8 October 2017 - 0:12
I just want to know I'm not alone with my symptoms please could someone help me.
I have been so unhappy for so long now I am tired and so afraid, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don't deserve to live or be happy anymore, I feel like I can't ignore it and I bad.
I don't remember not having this dread and one particular terrifying fear.
I am finding it just impossible to not feel guilt and blame.
I want to know if someone is so afraid and totally against what their OCD is saying they are, or things their OCD says to do, can it convince you that you did it?
I don't know if I'm making sense.
Basically I have suffered from disgusting and offensive intrusive thoughts but I finally realised ok I cannot stop these, I'm gonna get past this OCD.
But as soon as I felt like I had made a victory it brought me down, it said ok you can't stop thoughts but what if you "spoke them outloud under my breath" that would be the worst thing ever.
(it's to do with religion, something I don't want to say or I fear being unforgiven, but I don't want to discuss religion, Purley OCD please as discussing it only triggers more off so PLEASE don't reply with religious things, thank you)
I thought "at least I'd never do that, I am always gonna be safe from that, It cannot get me or give me this worry"
But what happened? My mind kept getting thoughts, how would that happen, how would you say that under your breath? If you say half a sentence you're OK but all of it you're doomed? It can't be that easy etc etc (think I was trying to rationalise it)
I then felt myself deep within all this imagining it, I felt my mouth move and possibly push out abit of breath and I was imagining saying the horrid intrusive thought I had just had outloud under my breath. I kind of felt like I froze up and felt so on the edge so close to saying it but I had NO DESIRE to, it would petrify me as it's totally against me and what I mean or believe.
I tuned in and thought ok... This is the kind of thing that is perfect for OCD to get me with, and whatever happened (if anything) I replayed it and checked nothing had happened. I felt relief and thought "phew, I'm still safe, now let's move on"
I remained calm throughout this (I fear this is me being horrible and not being careful enough)
Why did I feel on the edge with thoughts saying "I could just do it now"
Anyway I moved on, had no desire to do anything wrong and felt relief I still hadn't "messed up" despite picturing it and feeling close etc (I don't know why, why didn't I block all this and avoid it?)
I think because I knew I wouldn't do it I felt confident enough to not freak out at the thoughts, but as soon as I sensed danger I had to check all was OK, and it was.
I felt like my mind just wandered, thought after thought after thought.
Anyway as I said I moved on and thought right let's forget this and relax.
Then all of a sudden I felt breath and a possible sound come out, I shot up in panic, spiked up and felt instant doubt if I had done wrong or not, OCD has convinced me for years that I spoke without knowing under a breath..it's changed over the years from maybe I said a letter to what if I said it, I've been convinced for so long that I no longer know whats real. False memories have blown it up. It all felt SO REAL. Replaying it makes it seem like some massive thing because the thoughts going on at the time, it merged and I felt so so so guilty and to blame.
I felt like I finally trusted myself, let my guard down and now the slightest breath and it feeling a longer breath made me terrified because I associated that with speaking...a long breath..it made a sound, it felt longer than before...not short bursts, basically a longer slow breath.
I instantly thought I've ended up saying it all now, wait..what happened, did I say anything, I remember breath, even at the time I didn't know!
I just blame myself daily...
Why did I imagine my fear?
Why did I stop being careful?
Why didnt I stop all these thoughts?
Why didn't I cover my mouth?
Why did I feel an impulse or urge to create the biggest fear and worry ever?
Why did I let myself get close?
Is this all crazy or is it real?
Have I made this up from nothing?
How can i speak without knowing?
My head is a mess, I'm so guilty and sickened
I never wanted to be guilty of this.
Not knowing for certain I'm OK is killing me.
I know this is a mega long post sorry
I want to basically know can anyone relate?
Can OCD make you feel close to doing the very thing you fear?
Can it make you feel like you're being careless?
Can it create false feelings as if you're about to just act out?
Can it create false impulses and urges?
I'm worried if I am different and acted on OCD thoughts, everyone says you don't but what if I did? Does this make me a monster or is this still OCD?
I'm exhausted, I had one thing I never wanted to be guilty of and I fear now that I've done wrong and I am unforgiven and doomed.
I feel worthless, a failure and that I caused this for myself.
It's like I knew what would destroy me, I got right to the edge and ended up slipping up therefor I FAILED.
I don't feel worthy of life.
I feel disgusting.
I replay it over and over, and always feel as though I tempted fate or saw the problem and decided to test myself or something, and slipped up somehow?
I don't know, my head is a massive tangle.
I am deeply heartbroken. I just want to recover but see no hope, every day is hell, I can't remember being happy, I feel like I am ruining everything and its because I was careless for a few seconds of my life.
I feel so confused and frustrated as to how I am in this position when I knew it would destroy me not to know.
How has this happened? The one time I decide to relax and feel onto a winner I end up listening to OCD ideas and then it's tripped me up.
I desperately didn't want to do anything wrong and am so tired and fed up that I have this doubt, I don't even know if anything even happened it's all blown up because the thoughts before it made it seem SO REAL.
OCD people avoid danger and I feel like I stepped into the danger.
Please anyone, please tell me this is OCD.
I am at rock-bottom.