Incestuous thoughts - OCD or am I seeking justification for being disgusting?

This post has been thanked 2 times. 9 September 2015 - 4:08

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Hi all,

This is a problem i've had for a while now and i've been too terrified to even do a simple google search, before today.

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 10 years old. I’m 24 now, and still taking my medications for it. In case this turns into a wall of text I’ve itemised all of my main concerns in a TL: DR below.

For the past few years (at least 5) I’ve been tortured by incestuous thoughts. I have had serious thoughts of suicide because of them. Before today, I’ve never made the connection between OCD and this. I have believed that my brain does not work properly for so long that I feel like I’m currently grasping at straws to justify why I am the way I am. The more I read the more I think it sounds like me, but I don’t know if that’s because I desperately want to believe there is some reason for this.

I might think some innocent, otherwise benign thought, of my mother or sister, but quickly it can turn into something more sexual. Sometimes I am revolted by them but something makes me keep thinking about them. I find that if I haven’t had one of these thoughts in a while, it is easy to dismiss them, but sometimes they snowball and I end up feeling legitimately aroused. A few years ago it got so bad that I actually masturbated to these thoughts. I was crying afterwards and that’s when I thought I might have to take my own life if this doesn’t get better. When I do have these thoughts I can spend hours of my day analysing the situation, trying to justify why I feel the way I feel to myself. Every tiny emotional response I have to try and analyse as it happens, if I fail at coming to a satisfactory answer, I try and replicate the response by forcing myself to think the thought that brought it up.

Today I decided to test it and gave into one of these thoughts, and imagined my sister performing a sexual act on me. I was disgusted and horrified to feel sexual arousal and response in my groin. I’m reaching a tipping point and I don’t know what to do. Can this be related to my OCD?

TLR My biggest concerns are:

The arousal I feel is legitimate arousal (I feel disgusting just typing this);

When I was diagnosed with OCD as a child it was for handwashing and other trivial things – this is completely different and far removed from that and may not be related to OCD at all. This could be who I am.

That, hypothetically, if I was in a position to act on my thoughts, I would;

The fact that I masturbated to incestuous thoughts once indicates I am not like the rest of OCD sufferers and indicates I am, in a way, worse – that I would act on my desires;

That I am grasping at straws and am just seeking something to reassure me I am not completely defunct;

That if an explanation I read online doesn’t match what I feel exactly, then it doesn’t apply to me;

That I will always be like this and have no chance of recovery or happiness

I feel like I’ve failed. I would be a complete mockery if anyone of my friends or family found out. I don’t know what to do.

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This post has been thanked 1 time. 9 September 2015 - 17:23

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Hi Intrusive thought.

Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting. It takes courage to write about these intrusive thoughts which cause us so much terror and distress. You mention that with your diagnosis, you have medication for your OCD but have you ever had any CBT to treat the unwanted thoughts? With inappropriate sexual thoughts, it is possible for this to be accompanied by arousal.  It is very upsetting but you can get over these obsessional thoughts. There is a book which is particularly good at explaining this type of OCD. It is called The Imp of the Mind, by Lee Baer. It may be of interest.

Bw Diana

This post has been thanked 1 time. 22 September 2015 - 22:16

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I think many people can feel "arousal" or groinal response or whatever the term... Maybe some people are afraid to tell about it. I have sexual intrusive thoughts such as pedophile/incest/animals you name it and I sometimes feel aroused but at the same time very anxious. Those feeling are nowadays very connected. And I havn't masturbated but my head still goes: Maybe YOU ARE like this since you don't masturbate cause you're so afraid you would like it and that's why you don't do it cause you secretely know you want to... blah blah blah.

What I'm trying to say is that your brain always finds a way to break you down but it doesn't matter how much "logic" your brain finds. This is still intrusive thoughts that you don't want to have! I mean you were crying cause it all made you anxious and sad so it's not what you want. Use your what you've learned in CBT to tackle these thoughts. Tell them: okay then I'm like that, whatever! I know it's sooo hard but you just have to hang in there. You just have to be strong .. we support you from cyber space.

 

Take care! <3

22 September 2015 - 23:07

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I am female so my experience is slightly different but I do tent do have extremely disturbing dreams about members of my family . mostly my dreams are f my father having sex with me or something just as disgusting and awful and i then wake up with a feeling of absolute hate and guilt and disgust and then i spend my days over analising if he is looking at me in a weird way or standing to close to me and then i wonder if i am just sick in the head because i know that none of these thoughts are what my father has and they are all created in my mind so that must mean that im the disgusting one .

when my brother used to live at home i also had feelings that he fancied me too ...i dont know how or why my thoughts got like this and i wake up crying in the morning when i have had these dreams and i also tend to avoid being close to any male member of family incase they acidently touch me and then i will think a bad thought about it or think that they tried to come close to me for a perverted reason when really all they was doing was getting something from a cupboard or walking past me .

its completely fucked up and super disturbing and i have no cure for these thoughts but i do think that past experineces in my life that have caused me some distress have somehow got confused in my mind and now involve the worng people ....so say i was sexually abused insead of seeing the face of the person who actually commited the assult i see my fathers face ... and having such a disturbing view on men in general causes me to over think any small actions that a man makes . so if my brther kept eye contact for too long i would read into this and think that he was thinking something about me .

I think that maybe giving into your sexual thoughts is not the best idea because i think you will just make yourself feel a whole lot worse about it all . i know its hard to stop your brain from thinking things and i really n that once you have thought something its so disturbing that it really effects you so it wont just disappear but maybe you can try to get yourself out of any awkward situation where you find yourself thinking about it more.like i try to avoid being alone in the house without a women and thats the only way i have really thought to help myself 

 

22 September 2015 - 23:12

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and i think you are clearly not a bad person or a sick person because these thoughts disturb you and i think if you was not ashamed or upset by these thoughts then i would worry more ..so its good you are seeking help it shows that you know its not right and bevause you are so anxious about it you are just more aware of things and probably read way to much into the smallest thought that you have even if its just a general normal though 

maybe you like your sisters t-shirt and you think 'oh thaats a nice tshirt she is wearing (general thought thats causing no harm )

then you think oh my god i like my sister in this t-shirt ( thats you overthinking a genral thought that had no harm )

then you eat yourself up thinking that you fancy your sister in this t shirt and your a bad person and  you have something wrong with you but really thats your brain overthinking things and you never thought a bad thought in the first place . 

if that makes sense 

23 September 2015 - 12:05

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Quote:
That, hypothetically, if I was in a position to act on my thoughts, I would

 

r.e. this point - I wonder if this is a combination of common OCD themes combining. The first would be the theme of incest, the second would be the 'do I really want x to happen?!', then convincing yourself that you do. The second of these is quite common, in terms of people thinking stuff like 'do I really want x to die?' and so on. It's not surprising that this can also latch onto other themes - there are no 'rules' with OCD, there's no reason why themes and dynamics of themes can't be mixed together to build rather horrible cocktails of fearful thoughts...but it's still just OCD!

23 September 2015 - 12:08

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Quote:

That I am grasping at straws and am just seeking something to reassure me I am not completely defunct;

That if an explanation I read online doesn’t match what I feel exactly, then it doesn’t apply to me;

That I will always be like this and have no chance of recovery or happiness

I feel like I’ve failed. I would be a complete mockery if anyone of my friends or family found out. I don’t know what to do.

I think we've all been there regarding these feelings. I think the best thing to do is to talk to a doctor and try to get referred to CBT therapy. They might not know much about the form your OCD has taken, but if you download some info about 'pure-O' and wave it in their face, they'll probably pay close attention and try to help you however they can.

23 September 2015 - 12:49

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Hi IT. If you do decide to see your GP, I am wondering if it might help to print out some information on 'OCD inappropriate sexual thoughts'. Take it to your GP as back up. I say this because quite often patients have more knowledge about OCD than their GPs. Take care. Diana

This post has been thanked 1 time. 16 February 2016 - 14:23

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hi. i have VERY similar thoughts and have felt like i've had legit arousal or groinial responce. however if you end up getting an erection over these thoughts or images it doesn't mean you want them to happen. for example if my sister was naked and i had an erection, i would totally overthink this and think that i fancied her. when the reality is, the only reason i would have got this erection is because im thinking about sex or a sexual body part. as a bloke, as soon as you think of a sexual act or a sexual body part, your brain is saying 'ok, time to unleash the erection!' this doesn't mean you actually want sex with your family members hope this helped.

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