9 September 2015 - 4:08
This is a problem i've had for a while now and i've been too terrified to even do a simple google search, before today.
I was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 10 years old. I’m 24 now, and still taking my medications for it. In case this turns into a wall of text I’ve itemised all of my main concerns in a TL: DR below.
For the past few years (at least 5) I’ve been tortured by incestuous thoughts. I have had serious thoughts of suicide because of them. Before today, I’ve never made the connection between OCD and this. I have believed that my brain does not work properly for so long that I feel like I’m currently grasping at straws to justify why I am the way I am. The more I read the more I think it sounds like me, but I don’t know if that’s because I desperately want to believe there is some reason for this.
I might think some innocent, otherwise benign thought, of my mother or sister, but quickly it can turn into something more sexual. Sometimes I am revolted by them but something makes me keep thinking about them. I find that if I haven’t had one of these thoughts in a while, it is easy to dismiss them, but sometimes they snowball and I end up feeling legitimately aroused. A few years ago it got so bad that I actually masturbated to these thoughts. I was crying afterwards and that’s when I thought I might have to take my own life if this doesn’t get better. When I do have these thoughts I can spend hours of my day analysing the situation, trying to justify why I feel the way I feel to myself. Every tiny emotional response I have to try and analyse as it happens, if I fail at coming to a satisfactory answer, I try and replicate the response by forcing myself to think the thought that brought it up.
Today I decided to test it and gave into one of these thoughts, and imagined my sister performing a sexual act on me. I was disgusted and horrified to feel sexual arousal and response in my groin. I’m reaching a tipping point and I don’t know what to do. Can this be related to my OCD?
TLR My biggest concerns are:
The arousal I feel is legitimate arousal (I feel disgusting just typing this);
When I was diagnosed with OCD as a child it was for handwashing and other trivial things – this is completely different and far removed from that and may not be related to OCD at all. This could be who I am.
That, hypothetically, if I was in a position to act on my thoughts, I would;
The fact that I masturbated to incestuous thoughts once indicates I am not like the rest of OCD sufferers and indicates I am, in a way, worse – that I would act on my desires;
That I am grasping at straws and am just seeking something to reassure me I am not completely defunct;
That if an explanation I read online doesn’t match what I feel exactly, then it doesn’t apply to me;
That I will always be like this and have no chance of recovery or happiness
I feel like I’ve failed. I would be a complete mockery if anyone of my friends or family found out. I don’t know what to do.