HOCD? Confused and Anxious.

30 September 2019 - 16:31

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to start i am an 18 year old male and am going to enter my first year of college. i am just confused and need a little advice/help. to begin i’m going to give a little background. as far back as i can remember i only have even romantically like women. i have never to this day felt any emotion connection to a male beside of corse family and friends. but when i was maybe 3 or so maybe younger i use to like to wear my mothers robe and these big heals and run around the house. i only kinda remember this because my parents have a picture of me doing it. as i got older i don’t remember putting on the heals except for one time when my brother and i were playing around and we were much older. also when i as younger i loved the movie cinderella. it my favorite movie. i would watch it over and over again. along with this I love disney world and always have silence i was a little boy. my entire family enjoys it. fast forward maybe to 4th grade i was having some major problems. i had my first sexual encounter with the boy next door that was my age. we went to my closet and turned the light off and touched each other’s butt. it was stupid and when it was over I felt horrible about it and cried to my mother a couple days later. I also wanted to say that i have always been more inclined to my mother, my father and i have never had the best relationship but my mother and i have always been close and for this i think that i have always been more inclined to females. in school, while i may have had a very personal personality, i found it hard to make friends boys and girls. i lived out of my schools district so i didn’t leave near the kids i went to school with so i kinda blame it on that. i began masterbating around 6th grade to straight porn and women. sometime around then maybe a little after that i honestly can’t remember i began to masterbate to gay porn and stuff like that and then would switch and stuff. I to this day have never felt any type of feeling towards a male but for some reason still watch gay porn. ever since i was in 6th grade kids called me gay and made fun of my voice because it “sounded gay”. When i was younger also around 6th grade gay people made me so anxious even the word. i can recall this instant where the 2 dads on modern family kissed and i immediately became anxious. i personally don’t have anything against gay people or gay rights or anything like that it just made me nervous. i’ve just come because one of my co workers that people say we act the same and even sound the same say they might be gay. and idk why but that set my anxiety off. i don’t know. i don’t feel gay and have only ever seen myself with a wife and kids and don’t feel emotionally for guys. however growing up and even today i have somewhat of a “gay voice” and people have always assumed i was gay when first meeting me. even after telling them no, they somehow don’t believe me. it has always been a problem with girls because like i said above most think i am gay. i have been in 1 real relationships and in love with someone twice. all 3 female. i like i said above do not see myself growing up with anything but a wife. i still masterbate to gay porn. not really because i enjoy it but i feel it is almost a habit or a obsession now. i also am constantly comparing myself to other guys and how they act. i have considered going to a speech therapist to help with my “gay accent” seeing that i want to be a politician when i get older my voice will most certainly get me nowhere. i just an anxious almost all the time that i am acting gay or that i sound gay and it gives me relief/happiness when a girl takes interest in me or some says they never thought i was gay. Could this be HOCD or just anxiety. i have always had bad anxiety not just about this but other things as well. i also have BPD (borderline) and probably HPD. Both personally disorders. i also have ADHD. I just don’t know. I am anxious all the time and worry constantly that i am gay when i do not want to be/don’t feel gay. just wanted some advice.

1 October 2019 - 16:35

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It does sound OCD to me. Basically I recommend you to go to a therapist that offers CBT and ERP. The problem is not whether you are gay or not (if you'd be gay you wouldn't have fear about it, but it would feel good to you, coming from withing yourself) Gay people usually do not fear being gay, but they are more concerned with reactions from friends, family and society as a whole. Most gays I know love being gay, and if they have problems such as depression etc. it's because they feel they are not accepted by friends and family. 

Still it is vital for OCD-treatment to accept the possibility to be gay. OCD is all about accepting uncertainty, no matter how small the probability is that you may be gay. There is no way to fully prove it, ya dig? I know that right now that is a lot of anxiety attached to it, but you will learn to cope with it using strict ERP, possibly aided with CBT and ACT. 

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