A Person on Repeat - by Maria

So my day started with some cereal, that’s 10 grams of sugar. Then I had a banana which is good, that’s one out of five. Then later in the day I had some spinach and eggs on toast, spinach is good, two out of five and the bread was wholemeal that is good, fibre is good. But the bread isn’t the good bakery bread is the processed bread so it has 2 grams of sugar per slice. I remember, this brand is better as its 1.8g per slice, not 2.3 grams like the other one we get sometimes. So that’s good, the cereal had fibre but sugar. The eggs were good, real food, and 2/5. But also 14 grams of sugar. So fibre, real food, 2/5, 14g sugar. But some of the fibre is with the sugar. So lets imagine it in front of me, cereal, bread, spinach, eggs, bana - wait I had a coffee too but that was oat milk and no sugar so that’s fine. So spinach, eggs, banana, coffee, eggs, and…oh yes bread, cereal. Wait let’s do it again and get it in one turn, spinach, eggs, banana, coffee, bread and cereal. Spinach eggs, coffee, banana, bread cereal.

Must remember that I have already had 14g of sugar. Don’t want to go over as I had 40g yesterday so that’s an average of…40 plus 14 equals 54…27g per day. So I am over. But only just so that’s okay. And yesterday I had 5/5, 40g and fibre but also some white bread. But I did exercise and had a glass of wine so that’s okay. Today I haven’t exercised but also haven’t had alcohol. So that’s okay. Just the sugar. Don’t want to get cancer now, do I. I will get cancer if I don’t keep track of this. So cereal, bread, spinach, eggs, coffee. Oh and banana. Cereal, bread, spinach, eggs, coffee, banana. And yesterday I exercised but today I didn’t but that’s okay. I must remember to do that tomorrow. So today it is 2/5 so far, no alcohol, no exercise, 14g of sugar and fibre, this is good. I can keep this up. I must keep this up. We only have white bread after today in the house. Need to keep check in that, don’t want too much of it. Don’t want cancer now do I. It’d be my own fault if I did. 2/5, 14g, no alcohol, no exercise, and fibre.

So I remember Jack came in yesterday and he must have touched the front door handle when he came in. I asked him to use hand sanitiser before he went into the house and he said he did. But he may not have done it for long enough or used enough? I’ve seen him do it before and I think he did use enough then. I think he did. He definitely used the right amount. But what if he didn’t yesterday? Hang on if I think back to when he did it before, he definitely did use the right amount. Definitely. If I think back to when he did it before, he definitely did use the right amount. I distinctly remember he squeezed out a good amount then put it over his palms then went over each finger with it. And then did the same on the other hand. And then rubbed them both together again and went over his nails.

Yes I remember he squeezed out a good amount then went over each finger - not wait he didn’t do that. He squeezed out a good amount then put it over his PALMS and THEN went over each finger with it. Then he did the other hand and then rubbed the palms together and then the nails. So he did that then and that’s what he would have done yesterday, so it’s fine. Yes he did that then and that’s what he would have done yesterday, so it’s fine. It’s fine. Okay 3, 2, 1, it’s fine. You can stop thinking about the door handle now. Okay 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, blink, it’s fine. Blink. 5, 4, 3, 2 - wait. Blink 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It’s fine. Blink. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It’s fine. No more door handle. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Wait. Blink. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It’s fine. Move on now. Jack did sanitise his hands before he touched the door handle. It’s fine. When he did it before he squeezed out a good amount then put it over his palms then went over each finger with it. And then he did the same on the other hand. And then rubbed them both together and went over his nails. So that’s what he would have done yesterday. It’s fine. When he did it before he squeezed out a good amount then put it over his palms then went over each finger with it. And then he did the same on the other hand. And then rubbed them both together and went over his nails. So that’s what he would have done yesterday. Blink. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It’s fine He did. Phew. 5, 4, 3 -

What about the hand sanitiser bottle? That’s not safe. He went to the shops and touched things in the shops and then he would have touched the hand sanitiser bottle. That’s not safe. And what if he took that out of his jacket AFTER he got in the house? Where is the bottle? I’m gonna have to get up and find the bottle. Okay what’s the time - 2.43. Jack is still. He looks asleep. I don’t want him to see me doing this again. He said if he saw me doing this one more time, he’d have to go stay with his parents. “You’re freaking me the fuck out. What the fuck are you doing?”. Slowly does it, feet onto the floor. And slowly stand up. He’s still asleep. And slowly out the door into the hall. Tip toe down the stairs. Silence. He’s still asleep.

The bottle is on our coffee tables in the living room. The bottle is dangerous. It’s going to kill us. Get the anti-bac spray out from under the sink in the kitchen. Pick up the hand sanitiser bottle and spray it all over. And on the table where it was sat. Now go into the kitchen and wash your hands. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Now put the anti-bac spray under the sink. And wash your hands in case the spray bottle is contaminated. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Okay 3 minutes to go on the anti-bac working. I can leave that and go upstairs to bed. Tip toe up the stairs. Onto the hall and slowly into the bedroom. Slowly sit on the bed. Slowly feet into the bed.

What if I didn’t spray the exact spot the bottle was on, on the table? I’ll spray it again, in a bigger area, and then I’ll be sure to have covered it. Slowly does it, feet onto the floor. And slowly stand up. He’s still asleep. And slowly out the door into the hall. Tip toe down the stairs. Silence. He’s still asleep. Go to the kitchen and get the bottle out from under the sink. Spray the table on and around the area where the bottle is. Now go into the kitchen and wash your hands. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Now put the anti-bac spray under the sink. And wash your hands in case the spray bottle is contaminated. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Okay 3 minutes to go on the anti-bac working. I can leave that and go upstairs to bed. Tip toe up the stairs. Onto the hall and slowly into the bedroom. Slowly sit on the bed. Slowly feet into the bed.

Did I put the spray into the cupboard after I washed my hands? Yes I did, it’s fine. I washed my hands. No, I went into the kitchen, put soap on, turned tap on with elbow, washed my hands, turned tap off with elbow, dried them. Then opened the cupboard with clean hands, so that’s fine. Then I washed them again. I went into the kitchen, put soap on, turned tap on with elbow, washed my hands, turned tap off with elbow, dried them. Then opened the cupboard with clean hands. Then I washed them again. So that’s fine. I touched the cupboard with clean hands, so there isn’t anything on the cupboard. Because I washed them, then opened the cupboard, then washed them again so anything on the bottle isn’t on my hands. Cool. That’s fine. Nothing on the cupboard as I touched it with clean hands. Went into the kitchen, put soap on, turned tap on with elbow, washed my hands, turned tap off with elbow, dried them. Then opened the cupboard with clean hands. Then I washed them again. So it’s fine.

Or was that only the first time that I went downstairs I did that? What if I just think I did that the second time but actually I didn’t? What if I actually put the anti-bac in the cupboard but didn’t wash my hands prior? Did I even wash them after? Yes, my hands smell like soap. That could have been from before though. By smelling my hand just now have I infected myself? Fucking idiot. Fuck. Shit. But wait, maybe I didn’t touch the infected bit on my face? Why would the anti-bac bottle be contaminated anyway? I mean it’s unlikely, but it could be. Anything could be. I have to wash my hands again to be safe. I could be contaminated already. I’m such an idiot. And now sleeping next to Jack means he’ll get it too. He could die and it’s my fault. How could I be so careless? What a fucking idiot. Slowly does it, feet onto the floor. And slowly stand up. He’s still asleep. And slowly out the door into the hall. Tip toe into the bathroom. Silence. He’s still asleep. Got to wash my hands.

It’s good, as nothing from outside has come near this tap, so I can be sure after washing my hands that I haven’t picked anything else up and it’s fine. Unless I already have it. But can’t do anything about that now. I might not have touched the infected bit on my face anyway. But this makes sense. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Right, great, done. That’s fine. Done. What if I missed a bit on my palm? Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Right, great, done. That’s fine. Done.

What if my infected hands from the anti-bac bottle touched other areas of my body before I washed them. Did I touch higher up my arms? I must have done. They said on the news how many times humans touch their face per day, so it’s the same for arms? Can’t take any risks. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap.

1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands and arms. Right, great, done. But if I had infected my arms then the tap I just turned on with my elbow isn’t safe. Slowly out the door into the hall. Tip toe down the stairs. Silence. He’s still asleep.

Go to the kitchen and get the bottle out from under the sink. Tip toe up the stairs. Onto the hall and slowly into the bathroom. Spray the tap. Slowly out the door into the hall. Tip toe down the stairs. Silence. He’s still asleep. Now go into the kitchen and wash your hands. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Now put the anti-bac spray under the sink. And wash your hands in case the spray bottle is contaminated. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Tip toe up the stairs. Onto the hall and slowly into the bathroom. So after 5 minutes that is safe. I can leave that now. Right. Good. Done. Back to bed. Onto the hall and slowly into the bedroom. Slowly sit on the bed. Slowly feet into the bed. Good. What’s the time? 2.52.

What if I didn’t just touch my arms? I easily could have put my hands onto my legs, or stomach, when I got back into bed. Fucking idiot. Fuck. Shit. You are SUCH a fucking idiot. Jack is going to catch it because of you. Now it’s all over the bed. I’m trying to sleep and it’s all over me. This virus is all over my body. I’ve got to get it off of me. Jack may not catch it as long as I wash it off. And after that I can wash the bedding and it’ll be fine. As long as he doesn’t roll over to my side of the bed. I’ll have to make sure he doesn’t do that. I’ll have to sit in the chair after I’ve washed it off and make sure he doesn’t roll over. And in the morning I can just say I got up before him and then quickly change the sheets. That’s fine. Plan.

I can’t use our shower it’ll wake him up. “You’re freaking me the fuck out”. The virus is all over my body. I have to get this off of me. It’s all over me. Outdoor hose. Slowly does it, feet onto the floor. And slowly stand up. He’s still asleep. And slowly out the door into the hall. Tip toe down the stairs. Silence. He’s still asleep. Into the kitchen and take the washing up liquid. Out the back door. Wait, no, I can’t go out the backdoor without blinking three times, tapping the handle twice, then blinking once more. Okay back in. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink. If I didn’t do it one hundred percent correctly, I have a feeling I’ll have killed my cat. Shit, got distracted on the last tap. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink. The first tap didn’t feel as solid as the second. I could kill my cat. Okay this is mental, I look mental. Last time, quickly now. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink. Okay that felt okay. Just once more to make sure. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink and out the back door.

Over to the outdoor tap. The hose has been left out since we were gardening this week. Fuck, it’s freezing. The virus is all over my body. Turn on the hose. Shit, that water can’t be more than 5 degrees. The virus is all over my body. And hold the hose over my head. FUCK. SHIT. Okay washing up liquid. Lather all over my left leg. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my right leg. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my left arm and hand. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my right arm and hand. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my stomach. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my chest. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my hair and face. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my genitals. I can’t believe that I’ve endangered Jack by touching my genitals. I’m so selfish. What a fucking awful careless person. What a pervert. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Okay hose off. Fuck I’m so cold. I’m so so cold. My hands and feet are turning really hot. Quickly, now in the house. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink. No wait, BLINK, blink, blink, TAP, TAP, BLINK. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink.

Inside now. Tip toe up the stairs. Onto the hall and get a towel from the airing cupboard. Fuck I’m so so cold. Slowly into the bedroom. Slowly sit on the armchair in the corner. I’m so cold. And watch Jack. If I make sure he doesn’t roll onto my side of the bed I can clean the sheets in the morning. What time is it? 3.03. I can’t fall asleep. I mustn’t. I’ll kill him. 4.11. I’ll kill him. 5.11. What if I’ve killed him?

8.30. Jack’s alarm. Two seconds of silence. Then - FUCK. I fell asleep. The virus is all over my side of the bed. It doesn’t look like he has rolled in his sleep. “I just had a quick body shower. And couldn’t resist just watching you sleep. You look so peaceful. I love you.” I walk over to his side of the bed, all the while trying to check whether I can see any body prints on my side to see if he rolled over while I was asleep. Fucking selfish bitch. How could you fall asleep. “I love you.” I kiss him. What a manipulative bitch. Saying I love you just so you can check whether what you already did last night killed him or not. You’re disgusting. The sheets look fine, but you can’t be sure. And you didn’t mean that kiss. What if you don’t mean any kisses? You don’t want to have sex with him this morning. What if you don’t find him attractive anymore? If I think back to the last time we had sex that feels nice. Does it? What if I don’t feel aroused when I think of having sex with him? And I could definitely say I love you just then when I wasn’t really meaning it. Do I ever mean it? What if I don’t love him? What if I have to leave him? I don’t want to leave him but if I can feel sometimes that I don’t 100% love him, I should, shouldn’t I?

Over to the wardrobe to get dressed. Don’t let him see how tired I am. Act spritely. Now you’re lying to him too. People don’t lie to people they’re in love with. What if you’re not in love with him? His hair doesn’t look great this morning. People who are in love don’t notice things like that? He gets up and walks over to me, giving me a quick kiss before going downstairs to make breakfast. That felt nice. But what if I wasn’t 100% into that kiss? What if this means I don’t love him? What if I’m in the wrong relationship? If I think back to the last time we had sex I feel aroused. Or do I? I can imagine having sex with that guy I saw on TV too. I shouldn’t be able to imagine having sex with anyone else if I’m in love? What if I don’t love Jack? What if I have to leave?

I walk back over to the bed and start to change the bedsheets. The duvet cover is more of a struggle to get off without touching it so I try to fold it backwards over itself. I then take off the pillow sheets in the same way, and take the corners of the mattress sheet and put the sheets in the middle. Not perfect but just about bearable. I walk downstairs to the kitchen and put it in the washing machine. “I got really hot in the night last night, no big deal.” This is the third time this week he’s noticed me doing this. I wash my hands. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. I don’t love Jack. But I don’t want to leave?

I walk upstairs to the airing cupboard and take out fresh sheets. I feel exhausted. But at least I didn’t kill him. But I’ll have to wait a week though to know for sure. As I begin to put fresh sheets on the bed I notice the picture of Jack’s eight year old nephew on his bedside table. What if I’d want to kiss him?

What the fuck.

I can see me putting my tongue in his mouth then moving my hand up his thigh to - no. Please, please, please, please no. Does it arouse me to think of that? What if it arouses me to think of that? I get out my phone and look at a picture of Jack. I then close my eyes, count to three, and look up at the picture of his nephew. Which did I feel more aroused looking at? What if I’m a paedophile? What if that’s why I’m doubting my relationship? What if I molested his nephew the last time we babysat when Jack was in the kitchen and forgot? What if I want his nephew to perform oral sex on me? I can see him between my legs. No, please, please, please, please, please no. Okay stop. I’m a monster. No, stop. 3, 2, 1, stop.

After changing the bedsheets I go to wash my hands again. I’m not sure why.

1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17.. On the last three seconds I count down. After this these images are going to stop. 3, 2, 1, stop. Tap is turned off. Dry my hands. Two seconds of slience. I’m making his nephew watch me while I masturbate with my electric toothbrush. What if I feel aroused? Did I feel aroused thinking that just then? Please no. Please, please, no. What if I’m forcing myself to think ‘please no’ to convince myself I’m actually not a paedophile when really I am?

“I’m just popping out quickly.” “Okay see you in a bit”.

I’m a monster. I want to touch children. What if I’m becoming wet just thinking that? More images. So many. What if I want to take his toy cars and rub them all over my genitals then feel gratification whilst I watch him play with them?

“I’m back. Just going to work in the study for a bit.” I hear him wash his hands and count to twenty. Thank goodness.

He must have touched the front door handle when he came in. I asked him to use hand sanitiser before he comes back in the house and he said he did before. But he may not have done it for long enough or used enough? I’ve seen him do it before and I think he did use enough then. I think he did. He definitely used the right amount. But what if he didn’t just now? Hang on if I think back to when he did it before, he definitely did use the right amount. Definitely. If I think back to when he did it before, he definitely did use the right amount. I distinctly remember he squeezed out a good amount then put it over his palms then went over each finger with it. And then did the same on the other hand. And then rubbed them both together again and went over his nails.

Yes I remember he squeezed out a good amount then went over each finger - not wait he didn’t do that. He squeezed out a good amount then put it over his PALMS and THEN went over each finger with it. Then he did the other hand and then rubbed the palms together and then the nails. So he did that then and that’s what he would have done just now, so it’s fine. Yes he did that then and that’s what he would have done now, so it’s fine. It’s fine. Okay 3, 2, 1, it’s fine. You can stop thinking about the door handle now. Okay 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, blink, it’s fine. Blink. 5, 4, 3, 2 - wait. Blink 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It’s fine. Blink. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It’s fine. No more door handle. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Wait. Blink. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It’s fine. Move on now. Jack did sanitise his hands before he touched the door handle. It’s fine. When he did it before he squeezed out a good amount then put it over his palms then went over each finger with it. And then he did the same on the other hand. And then rubbed them both together and went over his nails. So that’s what he would have done now It’s fine. When he did it before he squeezed out a good amount then put it over his palms then went over each finger with it. And then he did the same on the other hand. And then rubbed them both together and went over his nails. So that’s what he would have done now. Blink. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It’s fine He did. Phew. 5, 4, 3 -

What about the hand sanitiser bottle? That’s not safe. If he went outside and touched things then he would have touched the hand sanitiser bottle. That’s not safe. And what if he took that out of his jacket AFTER he got in the house? Where is the bottle? I’m gonna have to find the bottle. I don’t want him to see me doing this again. He said if he saw me doing this one more time, he’d have to go stay with his parents. “You’re freaking me the fuck out. What the fuck are you doing?”. Slowly and quietly, I walk downstairs to find the hand sanitiser.

The bottle is on our coffee tables in the living room, same as last night. It could be that it’s been moved. Or maybe he didn’t take it this time. It does look in a similar position as yesterday. He did wash his hands. But it could be in a slightly different position. It could be. The bottle is dangerous. It’s going to kill us. Get the anti-bac spray out from under the sink. Pick up the hand sanitiser bottle and spray it all over. And on the table where it was sat. Now go into the kitchen and wash your hands. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Now put the anti-bac spray under the sink. And wash your hands in case the spray bottle is contaminated. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Okay 3 minutes to go on the anti-bac working.

What if I didn’t spray the exact spot the bottle was on, on the table? I’ll spray it again, in a bigger area, and then I’ll be sure to have covered it. Quietly does it, back into the kitchen. Get the bottle out from under the sink. Spray the table on and around the area where the bottle is. Now go into the kitchen and wash your hands. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Now put the anti-bac spray under the sink. And wash your hands in case the spray bottle is contaminated. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Okay 3 minutes to go on the anti-bac working.

Did I put the spray into the cupboard after I washed my hands? Yes I did, it’s fine. I washed my hands. I went into the kitchen, put soap on, turned tap on with elbow, washed my hands, turned tap off with elbow, dried them. Then opened the cupboard with clean hands, so that’s fine. Then I washed them again. I went into the kitchen, put soap on, turned tap on with elbow, washed my hands, turned tap off with elbow, dried them. Then opened the cupboard with clean hands. Then I washed them again. So that’s fine. I touched the cupboard with clean hands, so there isn’t anything on the cupboard. Because I washed them, then opened the cupboard, then washed them again so anything on the bottle isn’t on my hands. Cool. That’s fine. Nothing on the cupboard as I touched it with clean hands. Went into the kitchen, put soap on, turned tap on with elbow, washed my hands, turned tap off with elbow, dried them. Then opened the cupboard with clean hands. Then I washed them again. So it’s fine.

Or was that only the first time I did that? What if I just think I did that the second time but actually I didn’t? What if I actually put the anti-bac in the cupboard but didn’t wash my hands prior? Did I even wash them after? Yes, my hands smell like soap. That could have been from before though. By smelling my hand just now have I infected myself again? What if if wasn’t on the anti-bac bottle yesterday after all, but is today? Jack has just picked it up after his trip out? Did I hear him spraying it when he came in before he washed his hands? Fucking idiot. Fuck. Shit. But wait, maybe I didn’t touch the infected bit on my face? But I could have. Either way I have to wash my hands again to be safe. I could be contaminated already but just to be safe. I’m such a FUCKING idiot.

I might not have touched the infected bit on my face anyway. But I can’t be sure. But this does make sense. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Right, great, done. That’s fine. Done. What if my infected hands from the anti-bac bottle touched other areas of my body before I washed them. Did I touch higher up my arms? I must have done. Can’t take any risks. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands and arms. Right, great, done. But if I had infected my arms then the tap I just turned on with my elbow isn’t safe.

Go to the kitchen and get the bottle out from under the sink. Spray the tap. Wait 5 minutes. I can hear Jack on a call in the study. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. Now put the anti-bac spray under the sink. And wash your hands in case the spray bottle is contaminated. Turn on the tap with your elbow. Now soap. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. Turn off the tap with your elbow. And dry your hands. I can leave that now. Right. Good. Done.

What if I didn’t just touch my arms? I easily could have put my hands onto my legs, or neck. I bet I did that and forgot. I could have gone upstairs, masturbated to the picture of Jack’s nephew and put my hands all over my body and forgot. Fucking evil monster. You deserve prison. This virus is all over my body. I’ve got to get it off of me.

I can’t use our shower, he’ll hear it. “You’re freaking me the fuck out”. The virus is all over my body. I have to get this off of me. It’s all over me. Outdoor hose. Take the washing up liquid. Out the back door. Wait, no, I can’t go out the backdoor without blinking three times, tapping the handle twice, then blinking once more. Okay back in. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink. If I didn’t do it one hundred percent correctly, I have a feeling I’ll have killed my cat. Shit, got distracted on the last tap. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink. The first tap didn’t feel as solid as the second. I could kill my cat. Okay this is mental, I look mental. Last time, quickly now. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink. Okay that felt okay. Just once more to make sure. Blink, blink, blink, tap, tap, blink and out the back door. Quietly.

Over to the outdoor tap. The hose has been left out since I used it last night. Fuck, it’s windy. The virus is all over my body. Turn on the hose. Shit, that water can’t be more than 7 degrees. The virus is all over my body. And hold the hose over my head. FUCK. SHIT. Okay washing up liquid. Lather all over my left leg. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my right leg. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my left arm and hand.

1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my right arm and hand. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my stomach. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my chest. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my hair and face. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20. And my genitals. I can’t believe that I’ve killed Jack by touching my genitals. I’m so selfish. What a fucking awful careless pervert. I deserve nothing. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12…

“What the fuck are you doing?”