OCD Action : Would you miss it? - The national UK charity providing support and information to anybody affected by Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Living With OCD

Would you miss it?

Joel, December 14, 2009

Whilst volunteering the other day, I heard a fellow OCD-er say that if they didn’t have OCD anymore, they would miss it/feel lost. As soon as I heard this, I wanted to blurt out “Yeah, like a hole in the head!” But it got me thinking … and I kind of understood what they meant.

After living with something for so long, which takes up so much time and effort, for it to then just disappear would leave a gap. BUT… then I started thinking about the terrible thoughts I and others have, and washing your hands for hours on end, and the suffering that it causes and how debilitating OCD is, and I can honestly say… I would find something else to occupy my time. It also raises a question that I find very important. Is OCD more than just a mental illness: does it become a part of you? My personal answer to this question is no: OCD is just something I have, but it does stop me from being the kind of person who wants to take risks. This is, I suppose, a restraint on my personality but it does not mean that OCD had made me who I am today. For example, people with OCD typically like order and tidiness. Well, if you could see my bedroom most days you would not think I have OCD. But if someone moves something, I will know. I would be quite happy for my OCD to pack its bags and leave… but *sigh* it doesn’t work like that.

Right, so on to the question: how does my OCD affect me now?

THE BAD THOUGHTS… they are like nightmares, but they don’t care if I’m awake. They are horrible and intrusive. They are my worst thoughts and they seem to love making me anxious and miserable. They also make me feel like I am actually mad sometimes.

THE RITUALS… they are annoying and pointless. I will give you a few examples.

I can touch my head – I have a thing about touching my head – and then comes the bad thought. So I go and wash my hands…maybe the logic there is that I am washing the bad thought away.

Before I leave the house, I want to look in the mirror or – better yet – have my housemate tell me that there is nothing on my back. Even though I know there isn’t. Although the one time I didn’t get them to look, there was something on my back… you can imagine how I felt…

Having a bad thought as I walk over a crack in the pavement or over the threshold of a door and having to go back and walk back and forth over it… I should have a sign that I can put up in the middle of the street “GIRL HAVING AN OCD MOMENT. NOTHING TO SEE HERE”

I won’t go into all of them … I have quite a few, a lot of them to do with checking.

I think that I am coping with my OCD fairly well at the moment. It’s manageable. The bad thoughts affect me the most and I feel that they are what I need to work on. Something that has helped is being a volunteer at OCD Action. I have heard about how other people’s OCD affects them, and knowing that I am not the only one who has this bad thought or that ritual, has made me realise that what I think and do is just normal for someone with OCD, and I am not as crazy as I thought I was.

Georgie, 21

10 responses to “Would you miss it?”

Lumpy says:

December 18, 2009 at 4:20 pm

I am a sufferer of severe OCD. I have gained a wonderful insight into this illness and I am interested in being a volunteer. I would like to pass my knowledge onto fellow sufferes.
Glad says:

December 27, 2009 at 11:01 am

I definitely would not miss having OCD. The worst part about my 40 years of OCD is the self doubt it has caused. Despite my achievements I still feel a bit of a failure.

On the one hand,I know full well that, without OCD I would be able to shower and dress each morning and get on the bus without checking the seats. I would believe that people actually want to be my friends and are not just sticking with me because they feel sorry for me.

On the other hand, I wory that,if I don’t retain around 1-5% of my OCD, I won’t find the way back if I have another major relapse. Yet, I am not sure whether or not this is true because of my self doubts.
Truddles says:

December 29, 2009 at 1:21 pm

A great insight into the hidden world that is OCD.

I think that if we’re all honest we’d all miss the OCD if it went. But there is missing and there is missing. I don’t think that any of us would miss the pain and anguish that it causes but we’d miss to a certain degree the part of us that is OCD. But for that we would just have to treat it as if it had died and grieve for it.

Having said that I don’t think that it ever goes; I just think that all that changes is the amount of control that we have over it.

Once you’ve learnt to control it, if it does return then with support you know that you can control it again eventually.

The amount of time that I ‘waste’ with my obsessions, compulsions and rituals could be put to far better use.
So I know that I’ve got to take the plunge and start to take risks but it’s hard.
Speaking to others with OCD makes me realise that I’m not alone and it’s helping to build my confidence and self esteem.

BTW where do you get the signs ‘GIRL HAVING AN OCD MOMENT. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.’? As I think that I need one.
0151scouse says:

December 29, 2009 at 11:21 pm

please help, i cant stand having ocd, i have had it all my life im 40, im really scared of my 4 year old twins copy me, they already ignore me wen i do my daily rituals, and that makes me sad, as i dont wont them to think it is normal behavour, i have tried therapy, and it has not worked, im embrassed with my ocd so i hide it well, until im in my own home, it does my head in. hope u can help me.
joel says:

December 30, 2009 at 4:14 pm

Thank you, please feel free to contact us on 0845 390 6232 and I am sure that one of our helpline volunteers can help you.
Joel
George Christou says:

January 5, 2010 at 1:20 pm

I would like to find out if there are any group meetings for people with OCD.
Enfield, london, essex areas please.
xgotahavalittlfaithx says:

January 18, 2010 at 10:20 pm

Yes i would miss it, i have said for years that i would definately miss it. Obviously i wouldnt miss the bad parts like the anxiety and anguish it causes but it has made me who i am and it will never go so ive learned to live with it and embrace it to a certain degree. Thats the advice i would give to anyone with OCD, to accept it and live with it because i feel that if i seperate it from myself it becomes a seperate entity thats living with me and thats scary. Thats just my experiance with it, some would completely disagree of course but its just what ive found
Lilyeleanor says:

February 8, 2010 at 5:57 pm

In a way I know what you mean; I have suffered from OCD for as long as I can remember, and it’s like being made prisoner by your own thoughts. But these rituals that I have to do take up so much of my time that I don’t what i would do with all the extra time if i just stopped suffering from it. One of the (many) problems with OCD is that hardly anyone takes it seriously; they think it’s hilarious that someone might excessivly clean or perform rituals. At my school everyone talks about OCD as if its a joke, even though it is serious; i have had to leave lessons because I became so frightened and felt so trapped by my own thoughts, and i ended up crying.
Rhiannonkate says:

February 26, 2010 at 11:08 pm

I had OCD for as long as I can remember, I earliest memory of it I have is being about 6 and having to repeatedly wash my hands because I was terrified of the germs! After that it got worse and worse reaching it’s peak when I was about 14 by this time it had completely taken over my whole life. One day I juat started fighting back to the voices in my head telling them too f**k off etc etc I also refused to do the things that they told me it was so hard but now aged 20 I’m completely free from OCD although sometimes the voice in my head will try and make me do things or I’ll think bad thoughts but now i’m in control. I really miss my OCD though, sometimes I just REALLY want it back!!!!!
sunshineunderground says:

April 5, 2010 at 6:14 pm

I have lived with OCD for as long as i can remember. I am now 26. It has become such a big part of my life that i cant imagine being without it. It is almost a way of life now. I look at other people and want to share their happiness and optimism, instead i am plagued by long periods of worthlessness, i see no point to anything and my OCD has lead to a near enough, ten year battle with anorexia. However, i have lived with it that long that i am in control of my life, i dont allow anyone to help me and i wont talk to anyone about it because i am too ashamed. I ruin the majority of relationships i have especially with my family and men in particular. I dont want anyone else ruining my routine and coming in the way of it. I have felt at my all time lowest for the past couple of months and spend the majority of my time in my bedroom constantly checking things and doing things over and over agin until i am satisied that it is right in my head. This is the forst time i have ever EVER said this (or rather typed).I just want some help. I am wasting my life in constant spiral of depression and starvation, i dont live a life it is just a mere existence.