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Why do "crises" always happen just when I feel like I'm getting better?!

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    I've been feeling a bit more in control recently, and I've been able to almost "relax" some of my obsessions a bit. Like the other day I dropped something on the floor, picked it up and then didn't wash my hands afterwards. But then something horrible happened yesterday which has sent be right back to where I was. You see, I actually think I found a tiny bit of poo on the floor of the toilet. It was dry so it must have been there a while and it looked flattened like it had been trodden on, which just made my blood run cold. I cleaned it up and washed the floor (this was about 1am) but I kept thinking that it was all in vain because the germs would already have been walked around the house by whoever got the mess there in the first place (most likely my disgusting father), and by anyone who'd been in there after before I got to it. I couldn't sleep after that and I just wanted to cry because I felt so awful. And I hated getting into bed because I imagined the germs from my feet being in it and spreading all around. It was just the absolute worst thing that could have happened because I can't clean the whole floor, it's out of my control and I don't like that.

    I told my mum in the morning but she was like "Oh well, what do you want me to do?" Which is fair enough, but she doesn't have to get so angry with me. I keep thinking back to it and hoping that maybe it wasn't poo but mud, due to the colour of it and the texture. Oh god, how stupid do I sound talking about this? But it's just been going round my head all day. Please have been mud, please... My brother had come in late that night so he could have brought it in with him, although I don't think he wore his shoes in the toilet, unless the mud was downstairs and it got transferred upstairs via someone's sock... Oh I don't know! I also don't know how I'm going to come back from this because it's going to haunt me now. I'm always going to be seeing poo germs all over the floor, because as far as I know, they don't die for a very long time.

    I'm so sorry for ranting, but right now you lovely strangers are the only people who seem to listen with any understanding. Thank you.

    Mon Dec 14 2009 20:28:25 #
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    nettlenoo
    Member

    hi helz
    i have contamination issues also so i know how sometimes things get on top of you then you over think everything. my advice to you is when you feel that dreaded germ issue rising put on a funny program listen to some nice music till the anxiety passes. easier said than done at times i know but try to distract yourself some how. good luck hun
    annette

    Mon Dec 14 2009 22:57:45 #
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    Cuthbert ffoliott
    Moderator

    Hiya Helz91 -

    thank you for that honest and open story. I'd like to assign some further meaning to your perfectly valid question. I myself have had similar experiences with regard to my checking and hoarding.

    When things are going better, one is prone to get an uplifting mood. Perhaps for days, perhaps for weeks.

    In my case, eventually worrisome thoughts began creeping in again. One of these was existential: is THIS what I was hoping for? Is THIS really all? Is THIS perfection?

    That is depression enough in itself. See: you can attain that state that others ('normal') people always seemed to have in your eyes. Those others could cope very well with it. But I began to perceive small cracks in my environment, which took the form of the back, the spine of a book being broken. Or the color of a curtain having faded. That kind of stuff.

    Then my view narrowed down again. The perception of these small imperfections had such an impact that I began again to hoard and to check.

    Now, I know that dealing with germs is a different story. Because the object of fear is invisible. No one can prove that they are NOT there, actually. Well, a well-trained biologist with a microscope and test methods can... but one can't really hire on on a daily basis, can one?

    I hope you recognize something in this message.

    Take good care, best, Cuthbert.

    Tue Dec 15 2009 8:07:15 #
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    stevieb
    Member

    Hello Helz

    I can understand your predicament, as I too suffer a bit with contamination issues, and faeces are a particular one for me. (But mostly blood)

    Its quite likely that because whatever that was on the floor had dried up, that a lot of the 'nastier' germs may well have been dead, or soon will be anyway. All of us never know for certain what we're bringing inside on our shoes, anyway, and those with pets, especially cats or dogs, don't know what they bring home with them, germwise, either.

    I know you didn't mention there being any pets in your home, but I'm just trying to view your situation compared to that. Like there's a lot of families who come and go at all hours with muddy shoes, etc, and they also have pets who come in and out at all times too. And those families are usually quite healthy, and don't become ill from any brought in contamination. So if you don't, for example have any such pets in your home, then your carpets are probably cleaner and less contaminated than those of families which do.

    Also bear in mind that germs on the carpet aren't going to affect you anyway, unless you were to have your hands on the carpet, and then eat food with your hands without washing them. But you wouldn't do that, anyway.

    So the rest of your family who live with you know about whatever it was on the bathroom floor, and your concern over it? It doesn't appear from what you say that any of them are worried, so one good way to push your OCD concerns aside is to think to yourself; 'well neither my brother, father or mother are worried about this, so why should I be?'

    That's a weapon I sometimes use, and it does offer me a bit of assurance.

    Try not to panic, helz, just relax, and this concern will go away. Also try what Netti suggested, as that can work wonders too.

    Let us know how you're feeling, too. Don't think of this as a setback with overcoming your OCD, but think of it more as a test. All of us sufferers will be 'tested,' whilst recovering from OCD, but not just OCD sufferers. There will always be an unexpected obstacle in the way, sometimes a major one, which we will have to face sooner or later anyway. It is actually a vital ingredient in our battle against this awful condition.

    So try and see this strange object on the bathroom floor more as a test than a kick in the teeth. In your head, say to your OCD "so you wanna play rough then, do you?" Pretend to be Clint Eastwood or Steven Segal being confronted by a nasty villain, only don't hit anyone! lol

    But anyway, do try these things, and let us know how you're feeling, okay. Try not to worry, that's what OCD bully wants you to do.

    All the best,

    Steve

    Tue Dec 15 2009 10:41:19 #
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    Parvez Choudhry
    Member

    Hi Helz91

    I sympathise with you greatly. I've been in the same situation and my anxiety shot so high it went off the scale.

    I want to second what Stevieb said: Don't think of this as a setback ... It is actually a vital ingredient in our battle against this awful condition. Most people who recover from OCD have to face their demon sooner or later. Since it is impossible for you to clean up everything that may have been 'contaminated', you could treat this unsavoury incident as a positive opportunity to acclimatise yourself to your worst fear. With continued practice you may be able to re-program your automatic reaction to poo so that you react more like people who don't have OCD. Think of your current anguish as a short-term investment that may reap a huge profit later on.

    I tried to say hello to you when you first joined the forum several weeks ago but my sign-on wasn't working properly at that time and my reply to you didn't get posted. Anyway, a belated welcome to you now!

    Best wishes ... Parvez

    Tue Dec 15 2009 13:52:22 #
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    Parvez Choudhry
    Member

    Hi again Helz91

    When I said that most people who recover from OCD have to face their demon sooner or later, I didn't mean to imply that you haven't already been bravely confronting your fear before now. In the case of a phobia of dirt you are in a constant battle because dirt is everywhere (unlike someone in England who has a phobia of snakes, for example). I just meant that in order to be free of your phobia it is likely you will have to force yourself sometime to act like a non-phobic in the presence of your triggers and endure the resulting torment. Since you can't now turn the clock back or remedy this particular incident, you are forced to just grit your teeth and bear it, so this incident may turn out to be a help instead of a calamity.

    It's good you have felt more relaxed and in control of your OCD recently but please don't feel discouraged that your anxiety level has now shot up again. It doesn't necessarily mean your OCD has got worse. This recent incident is testing you and challenging you far more than you usually have to cope with, so it's not surprising you feel worse at the moment.

    Kind regards ... Parvez

    Tue Dec 15 2009 17:17:18 #
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    Unregistered

    Hi all, thanks so much for your replies. I have calmed down a bit since I posted this, but the anxiety is still there, niggling away at me. Thank you for all your advice though, I will try and take it all on board and not let this defeat me. I just keep worrying that it's going to happen again now though- I'm always checking the toilet to see if it has. But I know I can't live like that, always thinking about what COULD happen. If I did that then I might as well just crawl away somewhere and die, which I have actually felt like doing sometimes, I did when this happened anyway. It's just hard living with OCD and parents who are so contrasting to me in terms of hygiene habits that's it's not true, hehe. I suppose I should think of that more as a way of beating my problems though rather than a hindrance to them, since if I could just relax and be a bit more like them about germs (although not completely because they are pretty disgusting, even from a non-OCD point of view) then maybe I could learn to deal with my fears. Thanks again for your time.

    Tue Dec 15 2009 20:52:09 #
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    Unregistered

    Also, hello to you Parvez, thanks for the welcome! Your posts were very helpful to me, so thank you.

    Tue Dec 15 2009 21:00:15 #
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    Unregistered

    Hi helz91

    My OCD also centres on contamination and is very similar to yours. I also had parents who did not feel the same as me and who simply did not understand my problems. My mum never washed her hands after having a pee and it was only when she got older that I could see the funny side of it. A bar of soap used to last her about two months. I was using opening a new one once a week. But I never got food poisoning as a result of her poor hygiene so I guess it was not as much of a problem as I thought.

    Try not to keep on checking as it will make matters worse for you. Also, as Netti says, listen to some nice music or read something funny until you can eventually learn to ignore your thoughts. At the moment I am trying to ignore mine as much as possible by saying: 'I have OCD. I have obsessive thoughts. I am obsessing now. I will postpone these thoughts until later.' It does not come easily but, after a few weeks, it is working about 75% of the time. Incidentally, I got over some of my funny rituals by asking a friend I could trust how she would cope in the situation. It might be worth a try.

    Best of luck

    Gladx

    Tue Dec 15 2009 22:34:19 #
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    Unregistered

    Hi Glad, thanks for you reply. I see it's not just my parents then who do that then, hehe. I too try to think that since it's never made me ill then I shouldn't worry so much, but now I've been thinking about it all so much, it's hard to ignore the negative thoughts. I'd actually been coping better since the incident the other night, but then last night something else happened which set me right back again. I wont go into it but it involved my father dripping the dirty toilet brush on the loo mat and then not letting me change it because there wasn't another clean one available. He turned it over but the wet had gone through and I got all panicked and tried to sort of wash it but it was all too late and things just got worse. I suppose I'll treat it is another test to get through.

    I really wish I had someone non-OCD who I could ask to see how they would cope with it. My parents don't count because they're too far the other way from OCD, hehe. I used to have a friend I talked to about stuff like this and she was really helpful because she was so rational, but since we've gone to university she's not been in contact, and when I see her online she goes off as soon I as come on. I think I must have got annoying, but she used to share her problems with me too and we had a laugh, so it's not like all I did was bombard her with stuff about me. Or maybe I did and I couldn't see it.

    Wed Dec 16 2009 17:28:07 #
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    Unregistered

    Hi Helz91,

    Yes this is something I would find hard too. But I have had so many similar incidents that I have had no option but to cope. The plumber came because I put too much toilet paper down the loo. He used a punger and then dripped it down the stairs. I disinfected the bits I could see but had to put up with that.

    Have you got a therapist or nurse you could talk to whom you trust? I have been assured by lots of doctors and nurses that urine is perfectly sterile and hence can wipe the seat if anyone has had a sprinkle and not cleaned it. I also really believe that faeces is only food with chenicals in it. I would imagine that dog poo is far more dangerous than human poo, especially your families' poo. You can never be sure 100% but you sometimes have to take a blind leap of faith and don't let your university brain start analysing something that is un-analysable. It is a toatl waste of that very good brain of yours. ps What did you study?

    Love
    Annex

    Wed Dec 16 2009 17:49:24 #
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    Parvez Choudhry
    Member

    Hi Helz91 and Glad

    Helz91 wrote:

    I shouldn't worry so much, but now I've been thinking about it all so much, it's hard to ignore the negative thoughts.
    I know what you mean. I tend to keep turnimng things over in my mind and thinking about all the possibilities and risks. Mostly it's a lot of if's, but's, and maybe's. It's mentally exhausting and usually doesn't make you feel any less anxious at the end of it. I echo what Glad said about taking a blind leap of faith and putting up with less than 100% certainty. I am finding that the anxiety fades sooner if you don't probe into the worst possible scenario. And if I do end up probing into it, it is best in the long run just to quit thinking about it immediately without finishing off my train of thoughts. The longer I ruminate, or the more I try to restore the relative peace I had before I started to ruminate, the worse I end up feeling.

    Helz91 wrote:

    I really wish I had someone non-OCD who I could ask to see how they would cope with it.
    Instead of asking a non-OCD person it may be even more helpful to get the opinion of someone who has OCD but not a fear of dirt or germs. Such a person would be able to understand your feelings without also sharing your exaggerated perception of the significance of your triggers. This forum should be the ideal place to find such people, but alas it seems that most of us here at the moment share your phobia, so we're not able to give you a more objective viewpoint.

    Glad wrote:

    I believe that faeces is only food with chemicals in it.
    Actually my dad was quite an expert on this subject because he used to work in a hospital laboratory where he analysed specimens of it every day, testing for germs in order to diagnose a patient's illness. About 75% is water, and the rest is mainly food, bacteria, and digestive juices. Most of the bacteria are dead, and nearly all of them are friendly or harmless. I am not saying this to try to reassure anyone about their irrational fears but to present the facts, since people with OCD tend to imagine the worst and so cause themselves unnecessary extra anxiety. There is a risk of transmitting disease if we don't wash our hands afterwards, but one wash with a thorough rinse is usually sufficient.

    Parvez

    Thu Dec 17 2009 13:04:43 #
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    Unregistered

    You can never be sure 100% but you sometimes have to take a blind leap of faith and don't let your university brain start analysing something that is un-analysable. It is a toatl waste of that very good brain of yours. ps What did you study?

    I suppose so, but I do have a tendency to analyse everything. I'm studying History, and I'm doing well so far, so that's something good to focus on.

    Have you got a therapist or nurse you could talk to whom you trust?

    I need to set myself up with a therapist, definitely, it's just a pain getting appointments. There's a support type thing at the health centre uni, so I'm going to try and see someone there.

    Thu Dec 17 2009 13:55:51 #
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    Unregistered

    Thanks for your comment, Parvez, especially the stuff on faeces. I find it helps me a lot to actually try and understand what I'm afraid of. It makes me wish I'd taken microbiology or something really- maybe if I knew more about bacteria I'd be less afraid of it.

    Thu Dec 17 2009 13:58:16 #
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    Unregistered

    Hi

    I did my BA in history (at Plymouth) too. I absolutely adored it especially the political stuff. What will you do when you finish?

    Love
    Anne
    xx

    Thu Dec 17 2009 17:00:34 #
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    Unregistered

    I'm not sure really, probably just drift for a bit then fall into some sort of job, hehe. That's if I can get one!

    Fri Dec 18 2009 14:34:23 #
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    Cuthbert ffoliott
    Moderator

    Hi Parvez -

    I really admire your last post here. You write well and have a good insight into 'our' disorder (I use the term in a non-possessive sense, since we never applied for it somewhere...).

    I am a checker and hoarder. I have no contamination fears or washing obsessions. But I can very well empathize with people who do.

    It's sad. By intensely avoiding all germs and viruses, you become more susceptible to the most commonplace infectious bacteria etc. Your physical resistance becomes weaker, if it ever was built up in the first place.

    Perhaps this helps: we all are hosts of bacteria. We carry gazillions of them in our colon. They help us. I don't know whether a clear separation between 'good' and 'bad' bacteria is helpful.

    Oh - and I must update my blog a bit, according to your questions, Parvez...

    See you around! Cuthbert.

    Fri Dec 18 2009 14:57:32 #
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    Unregistered

    Thanks Cuthbert. I try to tell myself that bacteria aren't all bad and we do need them, but it's just hard to make myself accept it. I'm trying to though.

    Sat Dec 19 2009 15:04:16 #
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    Cuthbert ffoliott
    Moderator

    Hi Helz -

    thanks for the nice post. I see your point: you tell yourself a truth from a rational point of view; but your emotions have a hard time to accept that truth for what it is. This is the weird and fascinating aspect of OCD: the interface of emotions, like anxieties, the interpretation of these through a rational 'lens', and our making a 'correct' pattern of responses to the emotions and our interpretations. The anxieties are out of bounds, the interpretation thus becomes difficult, and the (motor) program of responses becomes disproportional in turn (oft-repeated compulsions).

    You are interpreting your anxieties in a correct way. That is a good start. I hope that the good interpretation, if repeated oftentimes, will eventually lead to a more 'normal' response pattern.

    Here's wishing you the very best with that!

    Cheers, Cuthbert.

    Sat Dec 19 2009 15:34:16 #
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    Unregistered

    Thanks very much, all the best to you too! I know what you mean, the rational part of you brain is telling you not to be concerned, but your emotions and anxiety are telling you to worry and to do these things in order to alleviate it. But then it just goes on because you never stop worrying.

    Sat Dec 19 2009 17:08:47 #

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