OCD Action

Nigel
Member

Hi all, I've been up and down since my last thread with my checking OCD and it's been driving me crazy this week.

Today I need your advice because it's taking over! I went for a day out today with a friend and I made a list of what I took with me. A number of times I had to go back and check I hadn't dropped things I knew I didn't have but I managed to get back to the carpark doing checking along the way. However when I went to check the kerb incase I dropped something outside the carpark I nearly tripped over a white plastic thing, like a little ball/capsule. I looked at it twice didn't know what it was and then went to the car. Although I thought I hadn't dropped anything and since checking my list I have everything I took my OCD has changed and is very strong.

It is now telling me this white ball capsule thing may be something important that I must have checked out with something important in it. It's making me want to go back and check. It's driving me crazy I feel like crying. Has anyone expereinced this and what did you do? How did it make you feel and how did it get better if it did?

Thanks

Nigel

Thu Jun 17 2010 17:57:37 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Nigel,

I'm sorry to hear that you're checking has got completely out of hand this week and that it's driving you crazy.

I can entirely empathise with you as I used to be like you, continually checking whilst I was out. I too would make a check list of the things that I took with me and I too used to be distracted by things that were on the ground. I used to imagine all sorts of things and invariably used to convince myself that it was something important of mine that I'd dropped that I hadn't put on the check list.

I learned that the following is true - the worst thing you can do is check. Initially it allays the fears but after a while you end up doubting even the check list.

I don't know whether this is feasible for you, but I realised it was a lack of confidence in myself and my abilities that was making me continually check to see if I'd dropped things. So initially I went out with the bare minimum taking nothing of any importance with me. It was hard but I refused to allow myself to check. Then once I'd gained confidence I started to gradually take more out with me, but I don't do a check list any more as eventually the check list becomes as big a problem as the original checking problem.

It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination to not check, but it's the only way. I thought that I'd never manage it, but slowly I've regained my confidence. You have to learn to have faith in yourself and learn to trust your abilities.

Don't get me wrong, I still have problems and many's the time when I'm desperate to check. But I daren't because I know that one check will become two then three and so on ad infinitum.

I hope this is of some help. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Trudy

Thu Jun 17 2010 18:26:21 #
Nigel
Member

Hi Trudy,

Thank you for your support!

You're right the checklists are getting out of hand and are making me lose hours making them; i check them over and over again!

It's weird because it's the things that I know are not mine that are making me feel like this now. It's the white object I know isn't mine but I feel like it mite have something important or even something of mine in it. It is very upsetting.

It would be good to talk Sometime on messaging.

Thanks

Nigel

Thu Jun 17 2010 18:54:04 #
Truddles
Member

It's all the litter on the ground that really confuses me, I can't be sure whether it's something of mine or not. It was making me so ill, but now I refuse to let OCD win, at least I try not to. I just have to say 'so what' and walk on. It's not easy and at times makes me feel physically sick, but it's that or continuing to allow the OCD to ruin my life.
Since I've stopped checking (OK occasionally I forget ) I've started to become more aware of my surroundings. When you're so busy checking you don't see what's going on around you

Thu Jun 17 2010 19:14:14 #
Johnsz
Member

Hi Nigel....I was doing some searching in the forums for Checking behaviors and I came across your thread which you started in 2010. I don't know how you're doing now since you posted that thread but I had to comment if nothing else than to assure others with this OCD behavior that they are not alone. I too am a checker, and I know like other checkers, we can so relate to what you're saying. Even though I live across the pond from you, OCD has no boundaries in who it chooses to affect. Just when I think I'm getting better, my checking behavior rears it's ugly head. I have been through therapy and am currently taking Citalopram which has been the most effective, though definately not the cure all. Anyway, I just had to comment on Trudy's post. She is soooooo right on! I would love to see a survey taken of how many people with low confidence levels have OCD symptoms. I'll bet it's the vast majority. Here we are trying to evercome OCD with medication and through Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques and all the while over-looking OCD's root cause or at least what OCD feeds on. If I can say, I am a succesful and respected husband, father, son, co-worker, friend and musician and I have ocd behaviors which makes me question and check things on a daily basis. I also have had low self-esteem and a general lack of confidence my entire life. I firmly believe that the 2 go hand in hand. I also believe that until we see ourselves for what we are and can improve our level of self-confidence, we will always be under the gauntlet from our enemy which is OCD. Work hard to gain confidence and trust yourself that there's no reason to check something that you absolutley know is irrational. Once your confidence level increases, your OCD symptoms will take the high road. How to improve your self-confidence? That's the million dollar question. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Do things that make you feel succesful and that you achieve positive results. Try to help others who are less fortunate than you. Trudy helped to turn on a light for me. I hope this helps you too!

John

Thu Dec 29 2011 16:15:56 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi John, Welcome to the forums... I do so agree with you... My confidence and self-esteem is very low, and that accentuates my OCD... I used to try and act confident, in the hope that it would work, but sooner or later I'd fall over...
I'm thinking a good place to start is to look at what we are good at... I guess you play the piano? I used to play the electronic organ... If we take that thing we are good at, and allow ourselves to feel proud of that, then our confidence will build... I'm doing it in my spare time with writing... Like you say, we need to do stuff that makes us feel good about ourselves... cos we are all special in our own unique way...
Wannabe

Thu Dec 29 2011 20:33:17 #
Mike
Member

Nigel,

First, a simple question - was the ball/case yours? If not, DO NOT go back and check what was in it. This will only make things worse for you. Avoid all checking behavior; if you do this enough, the anxiety and the urge to check will decrease. However, it will make you MORE anxious at first, but you need to be strong and resist the urge to check. Do you have a therapist that can help you with this?

Mike

Thu Dec 29 2011 21:04:04 #
Truddles
Member

A bit late in the day to ask the above question as this thread is more than eighteen months old.

Thu Dec 29 2011 22:16:52 #
Tess
Member

Mike, I didn't want to have to say this because I realise you are posting on here with everyone's interests at heart but personally I am finding your dogmatic attitude is making me very anxious and shaky. Whilst I accept that your advice has worked for you and I know of others who also swear by it, I also know of others for whom it has either had no effect or has created worse problems than it sought to solve. I know from personal experience that it can be too hard for some people. My own son was one of these, a suicide statistic due to rigid enforcement of the theory that reassurance and avoidance must never be permitted. This is why I advocate a more gentle and compassionate approach, empowering the sufferer with the knowledge of the best way to help themselves and then accepting and trusting them to work within their own limits.

Fri Dec 30 2011 10:58:35 #
Johnsz
Member

Thank you Wannabe! PERFECTLY said Now if I can only practice what I preach! Just talking about it actually helped me yesterday while going through my usual daily routines. Electronic Organ?????? Is that what we would call here in the States a Keyboard? Keep playing music! It helps me realize that this is a special gift, not one to take for granted. A real confidence booster for sure Good luck to you!

Tess.....so VERY sorry to hear of your loss. My deepest sympathies!

John

Fri Dec 30 2011 15:54:47 #
Tess
Member

Thanks Johnz - it was four years ago but still very raw. I'm so pleased wannabe hit a chord with you (sorry about the pun). Back in the 70's when I was in hospital with my OCD they used to teach us self esteem - we used to have group sessions and each person had to write three positive things about someone else in the group, then we read them out and I've kept that sheet of paper with someone else's opinion of my better points for the last 40 years. I've always been a big believer in self esteem as a tool to combat the OCD. If you follow your heart and your talents - and everyone has something which they feel passionately about and which they can do well - you should eventually discover self esteem because you will come to realise that you have worth.

Fri Dec 30 2011 17:52:54 #
Truddles
Member

I think that confidence and self-esteem are two of the most important tools for tackling OCD and any therapist should be helping you to regain both, though sadly many totally ignore these important tools.

Fri Dec 30 2011 18:07:00 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone... I look back to school years and realise I probably never had real self esteem... But I could act it then... I used to be really good at interviews... But when it came to doing the jobs, that was different! I've been thinking today about maybe working in a call-centre.. It is on the phones, so I can act self esteem until it builds up... When I worked in care work I used to try and confront violence, face to face, calm it down using non-confrontation methods, but then I was expected to cope with absolutely anything... That would be the equivalent of putting a goalkeeper in centre forward football... Never mind, I'm out of it now... In Nursing, wearing the uniform helped my self esteem, but I couldn't do the academic side of it... I've done a lot of writing today, and it seems okay, so I've got a bit of self esteem today... I used a public loo today too, so I'm proud of little achievements... It's moving forward a little at the time... Well done on doing that Salad, Trudy! I haven't got as far as that yet! I'm working on it though!
Wannabe

Fri Dec 30 2011 20:02:23 #
Johnsz
Member

Tess...Wonderfully said

Trudy....I couldn't agree more!

Wannabe...Good for you! Keep moving forward!

Happy New Years Everyone

Fri Dec 30 2011 20:35:12 #
wannabefree
Member

Same to you, Johnsz, Have a Happy new year too...
Wannabe

Fri Dec 30 2011 21:02:09 #
Mike
Member

Tess,

I'm so incredibly sorry to hear that. I sincerely hope I didn't make you uncomfortable - the only reason I am recommending ERP to everyone is simply because it is the most proven therapy for OCD. While some sufferers may be able to employ ERP on their own, I always recommend finding a good behavioral therapist to help coach them along. ERP should always be done with an anxiety hierarchy - first start with the easiest exposure, then get progressively harder and harder as the patient habituates and becomes less anxious.

Again, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I am left wondering if the therapist who was working with your son was realizing that the levels of anxiety the therapy was causing were dangerously high, and why he/she did nothing to change this.

Mike

Sat Dec 31 2011 19:45:36 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Mike, I'm doing a little bit of exposure therapy today... Every so often I get brave and do the things myself... It's all good stuff, but I would say I'm a little scared of my impending CBT, cos I'm hoping I wont be pushed eyond my own pace... Until I meet the therapist proper I won't know... I'm hoping it will be a good experience though...
Wannae

Sat Dec 31 2011 20:55:51 #
Tess
Member

Mike
My son didn't have a therapist, he was on a 10 month waiting list for CBT and his psychiatrist made him face his fears head on whilst in crisis. Sadly his experience is far from unique, there was another suicide shortly before his resulting from the same approach by the same psychiatrist. That is why I feel that the work of OCD Action is so important. It's important to remember that the members of this forum are all at different stages, some have only just realised they have OCD and are very frightened, others are well into their therapy, advice which may be appropriate to the latter can be terrifying to the former.
But I'm pleased to see that our views are not as different as I first thought, some of your earlier posts suggested to me by your use of capital letters that you favoured the tough approach to exposure therapy and I have seen first hand the problems which this can cause. I think of it as swim or sink therapy but it's difficult to test it's effectiveness because we only hear about those who swim. You also post as though you have some professional authority i.e. I always recommend finding a good behavioural therapist to help coach them along. I would like to know who you are and/or who you represent.

Sun Jan 1 2012 10:56:13 #
Mike
Member

Tess,

Of course I think the therapy should be tailored to the patient. The therapist should be acutely aware of how much anxiety the patient is able to tolerate, and this should dictate exactly how the ERP should be done. No therapy, no matter how solid the underlying concept is, is good therapy if it isn't performed correctly.

As for me, I have no professional authority; I only have the authority of having OCD myself, just like everyone else here. I've also been through many therapists and have seen how different forms of therapy work first hand, so I'm very familiar with the different approaches out there. The reason I recommend finding a therapist to do ERP with is simply because ERP is very tough and potentially dangerous, as you sadly know, if done unmonitored. I strongly believe it is the best form of therapy to treat OCD.

I can't get over how much of a tragedy your son's situation was. There have been times when I have questioned whether or not I want to bring someone into this world with a 1/4 chance that they might suffer the way I have. It's a tough thing to think about.

Mon Jan 2 2012 2:54:26 #
Tess
Member

Mike, when my son was conceived I had no idea what OCD was let alone that I would get it and that he would inherit it. However, I still don't regret giving him life. I think it would be a great shame if fear of passing on OCD stops anyone from being a parent or any child from being born - it is now a treatable condition and treatments will undoubtably continue to improve. What we need to concentrate on is fighting to get top quality treatment for those who need it and within acceptable time frames.

Mon Jan 2 2012 11:25:43 #
BT
Member

Mike, I think for those of us who are aware we have OCD, which is clearly inherited, it is an incredibly tough decision, whether or not to have children. I have three and one has told me I should not have passed my faulty genes on. However, some of the most talented people, past and present, have been afflicted with the condition. The world would be a very different place without so many of them. And, as Tess pointed out, there is treatment available now. My concern is still that the treatment doesn’t work for all and some of my dearest friends are going through hell, because no treatment is helping. If I knew I would inflict this on a child, I probably would have remained childless. But we cannot know and I would have denied two healthy children life and probably grandchildren, too. I feel the deciding factor is probably down to whether we are well enough to cope with raising children. But again, that is not an easy thing to gauge, because being a parent (especially hard for women with hormone changes) can exacerbate the OCD. In fact, for some women it can trigger OCD. Also, I am deeply saddened when I hear of adult children shunning a parent with OCD and blaming them for making their childhood difficult. None of these problems can be foreseen.

As for ERP, I don’t think anyone should be thrown in at the deep end, especially without very close supervision. But, beginning with baby steps also seems to be frowned upon by most of the experts.

Mon Jan 2 2012 13:02:19 #
Mike
Member

Tess - by the way, I hope it didn't come across that I was implying that you made the wrong decision by having a child, because I certainly didn't mean that! I re-read my post and realized it could have come across that way.

What I meant to say was simply that I've thought about the issue of deciding to bring a child into the world that may likely have OCD, and it's not a fun thing to think about.

But I think when it comes down to it, I highly doubt that would ever discourage me from having children.

Tue Jan 3 2012 19:56:13 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Mike, yes... Looking back, I don't regret having my children, they haven't got OCD, but have other things, which may, or may not have been inherited from myself or my other half... The funny thing is, My parents had different things which could have given me this, but it isn't set in stone... And my grandchildren make me forget I have OCD when I'm with them, so having children could even be a help to our OCD... Amazing thing genetics!
Wannabe

Tue Jan 3 2012 21:42:12 #
Tess
Member

Hi Mike
No need to be concerned, I didn't interpret your post in that way at all and I'm sorry if my reply gave you that impression. It honestly didn't even cross my mind.

Wed Jan 4 2012 10:37:39 #
BT
Member

Wannabe, It’s heartening to hear that about your children and grandchildren.

The dark side of OCD is when it deprives a person of any family. I’m not sure which is worse, that or when a person with OCD has family and is eventually shunned, because of their condition. I have two close friends whose families will not speak to them. One searches online for glimpses of photos of grandchildren she has never seen and realises she will never be allowed access to. And, just as tragic, is when a person turns on a mother who has struggled throughout their life to cope with extreme contamination fears, only to be told they are a pitiful excuse and total failure as a parent.

I honestly feel that for anyone with severe OCD (especially contamination/checking) having children is likely to make the person worse. I’m sorry, but at times I don’t find genetics amazing.

Wed Jan 4 2012 13:25:10 #
Tess
Member

There's yet another dark side when contamination OCD makes it impossible to enjoy ones children and grandchildren and even to permit family visits to one's home. I have no grandchildren but the possibilty of having them used to fill me with dread, something which is said to be one of the greatest joys of life.

Wed Jan 4 2012 17:23:43 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Tess, Hi BT, yes, you're both right, in fact my own parents have no contact with my children or grandchildren, everyone too far away. There are also differences of opinion in the family, again mainly due to distances etc. I do ocassionally worry about the house not being clean enough, but I'm starting to relax a tiny bit with it, but I'm not as good as I was yesterday. I wanted to use an ellipsis then, but grammatically (If that is even a word!) it would be incorrect, I think!
The big joy of grandchildren is that they stay for limited time, so we can really cope with them in small doses, it was a lot more difficult with our own children, cos they were there all the time. I was very lucky, if that's the right word, that my children have grown up before my OCD hit really hard, so I'd got past all the nappies etc. before my own crisis hit. I certainly couldn't deal with it all now. I cope with granddaughter, but a houseful of children would have me tearing my hair out, not that I've got a lot left to lose!
Wannabe

Wed Jan 4 2012 20:46:28 #
BT
Member

Tess, I agree. Some are unable to have anyone in their homes, even their adult children and grandchildren. Few people would fully understand this and it must be a heartrending situation. I know someone who dreads having grandchildren for this reason and he says that he already knows that his daughter will not understand. He has confided his fear in the OCD group he attends and even fellow members have said his love will be strong enough to overcome this. He doesn’t think he will be able to cope and is so afraid of being judged as well as missing out on time with grandchildren. The response he has received from fellow OCD sufferers is now making him question his depth of love for his daughter and this is so very sad. He is desperately hoping his OCD will improve before any grandchildren are born. Tess, I think your experiences, the thoughts you had about possible grandchildren and then dealing with the tragic loss of your son, have led to your having such empathy and understanding.

Wannabe, I realise what you mean about grandchildren only staying a limited amount of time. I can’t speak for Tess, but the man I was just writing about would be terrified if his daughter (and any future grandchildren) so much as stepped over the threshold. The limited time would not make any difference to his level of fear.

I have friends with contamination fears who don’t feel any concern over nappies etc. They merely fear contamination from outside entering their homes. It makes a tremendous amount of difference what one’s fears are as to what we can deal with.

Thu Jan 5 2012 11:57:47 #
Tess
Member

Hi BT
I understand so well your friend who fears he will not be able to cope with having family into his home and I can say from my own experience that this has nothing whatsoever to do with the amount of love you have and it is very cruel to judge sufferers in this way. No-one on this earth could have loved anyone more than I loved my son yet it was an immense struggle to have him in my home and he only came a few times. I never had my mother inside my home after OCD came into my life and we were devoted to each other and she understood I had problems and never questioned it and neither did my son - that is what I call real love, understanding and accepting the intensity of someone's OCD. Yes, had they both bathed and changed into freshly washed clothes and obeyed all the rituals which kept me out of hospital they would have been welcomed in with open arms - but the sheer logistics of complying with the OCD demands was just too big. Yet before OCD struck me at the age of 23 I used to love having visitors, especially family.

Thu Jan 5 2012 18:26:09 #