OCD Action

FocusFool
Member

Hello all.

This is my first post on the forum, my name is Jason and Im 23 years old - Im just at a point where I don't know what to do, just looking for advice I guess and get some things off of my chest.

Around three years ago I had my first OCD bout, for some reason though I had years of unquestioning certainty I suddenly had a thought about 'what if' I was gay. The uncertainty and vagueness of this question drove me mad. I was unsure of who I was, it put a huge strain on me and my girlfriend. It made me feel as though I had turned gay as I doubted I found women attractive, and doubted I didnt find men attractive at the same time.

Long story short it ended up costing me an awful lot of money and alot of pain as I couldn't bare to work or be around anyone and spent an entire year travelling alone in some stupid effort to run away from my own thoughts.

I went to my GP very early on but the NHS wasn't too sympathetic to my fears and worries. I got messed around by many so called mental health councellors, their advice rarely helped and I became very suicidal - I went to A&E around four times saying I was suicidal until eventually I got a proper psyciatrist who diagnosed it as obsessive compulsive thoughts and put me on a course of SSRI's.

The tablets I was given however played havoc with my guts and was worried about the health implications these had, so after just two weeks stopped taking them - so I never got any benefit from taking them.

Over time though, I got better - I had spent over a year without these thoughts (or if I did, they were not enough to truly effect me in a great way.) I had hoped this was the end. I have however noticed that I have other less anxiety inducing fears such as being a hypercondriact (to the point where I give myself symptoms through the amount of stress caused), I also worried for a few months about what racial identity I was (which was finally resolved when I made an effort to read through my family history.)

Anyways, so convinced was I that the gay fear was never to be seen again that I returned to another forum I used to go to which was solely for sexual obsessions with the intention of helping others around four weeks ago. I began helping around four people at the same time and I found what they were talking about began making me think back, and unfortunately I've ended up regressing. I feel like I've been punished for helping others, it is so unfair.

Now Im back to square one, I can't remember how I got better last time (and I even now doubt myself that last year was better) and I just want to know how other people deal with set backs after such a long time. Its destroying me as I really did think I was better. I have now been considering going back to a doctor and trying the drugs for a proper course as clearly Im prone to anxiety disorders.

Any advice would be gladly received. Thank you all!

Tue Mar 29 2011 19:19:41 #
nettlenoo
Member

hello i could have written this i until recently hadnt been on this forum 11 months to be exact because i too beleive the ocd had gone then for some unknown reason the weird intrusive thoughts popped back up again and i came here and post got nice advice and started to feel better started up walking again last week and was feeling pretty good. then today i crashed bad i feel back to square one also it so hard you think uve moved on only to be beaten down by it again. i wish i could just funtion like most other folk my big one at the moment is not being able to leave the house alone its really wrecking havoc i can go out with my partner or if im meeting someone but alone i wouldnt bother.
with regards to what you were saying about regressing i find reading people's thoughts and problems can be a trigger for me also its very hard as you want to offer advice but it can be bad for yourself i understand that. not sure what advice i can give you other than to stay postive visit the doctor and discuss meds im considering doing that but i hated the numbness citalopram gave me. your not alone hun its a tough old thing ocd.

Tue Mar 29 2011 19:43:08 #
FocusFool
Member

Staying positive is difficult, but it was only christmas time I was thinking to myself how lucky I was that I never did end up killing myself as I felt great and felt I was really on the mend.

Talking to people about my fear is so difficult as people end up thinking Im just confused, or Im hiding my true self. Ironically if was lieing to myself I wouldn't be spending all day checking between men and women - or worrying that I can never have the life I want, or coming to forums like this and being so honest about everything. (Nor would I have had a great year last year perfectly straight and back to oogling women like I had always done, lol)

Every part of my logical brain tells me this is OCD, but Im stuck in that rut again where even in my sleep am I unable to get away from the questioning.

I feel apsolutely awful - like theres a partition in my brain. A mere month ago I could hardly remember what the OCD was like two or three years ago, now I can't remember, or doubt what I did last year. Maybe theres a brain factory I can go to because mine is definately fried.

Tue Mar 29 2011 20:01:21 #
blueboy
Member

hi to both,
as regards the meds.. i am so scared of anything that will destroy my looks .. for example make my hair fall out... not that i am vain... but i do have some looks left and since i havent had much of a life to date... due to this illness.. i do want to feel i have still some life about me...
and also since i have been eating organicaly for around 15 years... meds would totaly go against the grain..last week i had an issue too sexualy but in the opposite way..as i thought i was turning "straight" when i thought i fancied a black woman i saw naked on tv.. i had to wrestle with that thought because it totaly complicated my life ... and i dont need that at this time. i think had to be ocd because i wasnt totaly sure.

Tue Mar 29 2011 20:05:07 #
Ratwomble
Member

Never heard of Meds affecting looks. I've been on em for years and I'm still the same.

Or hair for thatmatter

Tue Mar 29 2011 20:09:44 #
FocusFool
Member

Blueboy, the very point that it can the effect you in reverse seems to prove a point that this is not some fear of what society may think. Ironically one of the people who really helped me out the first time round was through OCDAction, and they were gay who had suffered the reverse to what Im going through.

As Ratwomble says, meds dont effect your looks though, Im pretty sure they'd have failed drugs screening if they did.

I feel really weird, the fact that I've been through it all before and got better makes me lack the amount of anxiety I had the first time round, yet the lack of anxiety - causes an added worry. I think I just need to see a proper shrink again...

Tue Mar 29 2011 20:25:33 #
blueboy
Member

Tue Mar 29 2011 20:56:24 #
blueboy
Member

yes, i was very irritated.. i guess not that it is a bad thing... only that.. why do i get even more confusion? if you understand..
because some people are, ofcourse, "bi"... and i am not sure how they deal with that... but because we have ocd.. everything is the more complicated..it just goes on and on... i think that ocd just constantly searches for the next great obsession.. we never seem to get much freedom of mind..like the idea of a year travelling..although i dont think we can run away from our thoughts.... but at least you were doing something.. i so desire to travel more and if not for this ocd i am sure i would have done..i feel blighted... but itching to get away and see more of the world... it depends on my thoughts and getting a hold on them first rather than the other way around..i suppose its much easier in company... but alone with ocd... it's a challange.

Tue Mar 29 2011 20:56:24 #
Wombat140
Member

FocusFool, I think you'd do well to see the psychiatrist again. For one thing, you should give Cognitive Behaviour Therapy a try, if you haven't already. It's not like other kinds of "counselling" - it really does work for OCD, which the others mostly don't. I'm surprised if nobody told you about it last time. Legally, if you're diagnosed with OCD you should be offered CBT for free. There's a waiting list, though, and you only get a certain number of sessions.

If you can afford to go private, there's a list of well-qualified CBT therapists at http://www.cbtregisteruk.com. That way you can also choose someone with experience with OCD. There's some more about CBT on the main OCDAction website.

Anyway, if the pills worked last time, then there's always that to fall back on.

All the best,
Wombat140

Fri Apr 1 2011 17:42:38 #
FocusFool
Member

I never did take the medication, I was prescribed them, but I wanted to join the RAF at the time so stopped taking them after just a few weeks. In the end I never ended up joining anyway.

Just out of interest, how much do CBT sessions usually cost going private. I doubt I can afford it, but its worth looking into.

Sat Apr 2 2011 7:52:29 #
FocusFool
Member

I never did take the medication, I was prescribed them, but I wanted to join the RAF at the time so stopped taking them after just a few weeks. In the end I never ended up joining anyway.

Just out of interest, how much do CBT sessions usually cost going private. I doubt I can afford it, but its worth looking into.

Sat Apr 2 2011 7:52:29 #
Ratwomble
Member

Big fan of Meds. They aren't enough on their own but they make the rest easier. I don't believe I could have done it without them.

I think private sessions with a CP cost around £100 an hour, usually more for initial assessment.

David

Sat Apr 2 2011 8:34:31 #
FocusFool
Member

Those prices are digusting. I know they spent alot of money to get qualified but that to me just seems like they are profiteering out of others misfortune.

Im going to see my GP this week I think and get actually take them. Hopefully, given that I managed OK without them or CBT last time I should be ok with just the meds and some NHS work.

I feel really bad - I keep repeating to myself that I should just top myself to stop all this. I feel so stupid. How can you get better then suddenly get hung up over the same thoughts again? Every logical part of my brain is telling me this is OCD, don't worry, relax and you will get better - but I just can't. I can't even sleep, Im waking up at 5am every morning then just lay there thinking it through over and over and over again. Im getting impulses to just run away from home again and I don't want to do this. I thought I was made of tougher stuff now, but clearly not.

Sat Apr 2 2011 11:55:20 #
Truddles
Member

I thought I was made of tougher stuff now, but clearly not.

I used to think like that too and if I'm honest still do at times but you are made of tougher stuff by the very fact that you're still fighting the OCD and are going to see your GP to get some help.
OCD does make us feel stupid because we know what we think and do is illogical, but that's the nature of the illness. We have to remember that we're not well and we can't help it but with help we can move forwards. So you need to stop beating yourself up and be kind to yourself
You have to hold on to the fact that you know that it's OCD and that there is help out there.
If you're not getting much sleep and are waking up early you should tell your GP as it could be that you're also depressed.
Remember there is always hope

Trudy

Sat Apr 2 2011 12:08:33 #
FocusFool
Member

I just don't know why I can't just listen to the 'real' me, and just look at things sensibly. How can you suffer the same thoughts twice and still get stressed out about them? Its just weird.

Sat Apr 2 2011 17:29:42 #
Ratwomble
Member

I know it seems steep, but I feel I got my money's worth from my CP. I suppose you have to compare it to other professional fees - half hour golf lesson is about £40 isn't it? An emergency plumber charges around £50 just to come out. I was once a management consultant (please don't flame me - it wasn't for long) and fees there would astound you.

When I was very ill, the one thing that the psychologist kept noting in reports was tat my "compliance" was good. When I asked her what this meant she explained that a high proportion of patients on anti-depressants and anti anxiety drugs simply dont take the medication. I must admit I found this astonishing. I was open to any help I could get.

Running away or topping yourself simply isn't the answer. If youve recovered before you can recover again. I'm often awake at 5Am, s o I get up and do something. Or log on this forum. Or stroke the cat. If you PM me at 5am you have about a 1 in 20 chance that i'll PM you right back. It is unlikely that you wont get some response from me before my porridge has gone lumpy (I like it lumpy)

Last point. You say:

I just don't know why I can't just listen to the 'real' me, and just look at things sensibly. How can you suffer the same thoughts twice and still get stressed out about them? Its just weird.

If you can find the answer to that, and care to share me, i'll pay you a lot more than £100 an hour

Sat Apr 2 2011 18:54:10 #
FocusFool
Member

I guess your right Ratwomble, about everything, lol

I always used to say to myself "Why do these thoughts seem so real" and then the obvious answer is; if they didn't feel real then they wouldn't effect you.

This problem Im dealing with is by far the biggest worry because it in my eyes the biggest impact on me, but when I feel better there is always something Im worrying about. Its probably why I've got a receeding hairline at 23.

The way I got better before was by simply letting the thoughts lay there, and making sure I stayed as close to my normal behavior as possible - Im going about this all wrong and I know it too - its just caught me off guard, I thought this would never come back.

Sat Apr 2 2011 20:17:51 #
Ratwomble
Member

If I was right about everything then I'd have won the lottery this week, and I didn't

Receding hairline is not a problem. It is distinguished. I should know, I have a covering like a fourteen year olds beard....

If you beat it once you can do it again, but I know the return is hard.

Best wishes

David

Sat Apr 2 2011 22:30:55 #
Tess
Member

I win the lottery nearly every week because I always play the alternative lottery game. You only have to know your numbers for this game, you don't have to buy a ticket. Then when your numbers don't come up you've won because you've still got your £1. I've been playing this game ever since the lottery started with the same numbers each week. Just occasionally when there has been a big roll over I have given way to temptation and lost my £1 and just once if I had played the normal game I would have won £10. It never ceases to amaze me how often not even one of my numbers comes up.
As for a receding hairline I was told at a tender age by my mum that it is a sign of virility.

Sun Apr 3 2011 9:07:01 #