OCD Action

Sydney :)
Member

For those who don't know, I have Hocd. I was talking to a doctor today, going through everything and this is what he said to me. What is this supposed to mean??

"I will do my best to answer what I think your questions are. First, it is
clear that you have a history of ocd (and an eating disorder) and this has
apparently gone untreated. So before you bother spending a lot of energy
trying to define your sexual orientation, you need to be getting treatment or
your ocd. As a side note, St. Johns Wort does not do anything and has non
record of effectiveness in treating ocd. I'm not saying meds is the answer, just that St. Johns Wort is not treatment for
ocd. The most effective treatment for ocd (and eating disorders), with or
without meds, is cognitive behavioral therapy.
What I understand from your story is that despite initially assuming your
attraction to men, there have been some deficits in what you think
heterosexuality should be and despite never having engaged in or pursued a
lesbian relationship, you have thoughts and feelings towards women that feel
somewhat out of character for you. To me, this sounds like typical HOCD and
most of your questions on the subject should be answered by the articles you
read and by the ocd specialist who should be treating you.
You asked why you can be afraid of something one day and then not have it
bother you the next. First, you have to understand that thoughts, feelings, and
any internal data is fundamentally fluid, not static. Over-attending to the
changes rather than accepting them as they are in the present is a part of the
ocd. Unrelated to the ocd, it seems that your age and level of sexual
experience is somewhat of a factor in your confusion. It is VERY common or
teenagers to have sexual orientation confusion. It is during this time in your
lie that your hormones are all over the place and the sexual part o your brain
is literally developing at an enormous rate. So I can;t tell you i you are gay,
straight, bi or whatever. I can tell you that not knowing or sure is normal.
Furthermore, it is extremely common for heterosexual women to have homosexual fantasies. It is the ocd sufferers who worry that this must MEAN something about them or they must DO something to make sure they are feeling the RIGHT things.
Ultimately, your best bet is to accept your thoughts and feelings as thoughts
and feelings, not threats and facts. Pursue relationships with whomever you wish t be with and let the certainty you seek come to you. Any attempt to
force the certainty, such as compulsively checking your arousal level, seeking reassurance about your orientation label, testing yourself in front of diferent sexual triggers -- these only make the brain think there is a debate and this only leads to more uncertainty.
Everyone with HOCD thins they're in denial just like every handwasher thinks
their hands are contaminated. Of course it feels real. If it didn;t feel real,
you wouldn't spend so much time doing compulsions. You would just think the whole thing silly. That's what ocd is like. Someone told me the other day that they felt they were taking an unnecessary risk eating oranges imported from Africa because it would give them AIDS. They meant it even though they new it made no sense.
This whole "denial" thing is just a made up word. There is no denial. You are a
person. You have a history of pursuing heterosexual relationships. You have a
lot of thoughts. Some of those thoughts seem "gay" to you. So be it.
You don;t need to know what label to affix to yourself. You are freaking out
because your ocd is demanding certainty and you are not tolerating any
doubt. You will only be free of this when you stop trying to control your
thoughts and feelings."

This is making me sick.... I'm so confused and upset. It seems like he's saying I'm gay.

Mon Jan 23 2012 0:45:35 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hullo Sydney -

I can understand your confusion, and your being upset. From your position you are prone to read into the doctor's comment what you are basically afraid of. It's a common phenomenon that different people read different meanings into the same text - that is because we all have our own experiences in life, and our own highly personal thoughts and feelings.

That said, my personal take on this is: the doctor is not saying that you are gay. He tried to phrase very carefully that what you are going through is normal for a person your age; but also that you, having HOCD, assign lots of negative (for you) meaning to certain feelings and fantasies. This causes you to ruminate about them, and to feel yourself to be a guilty and bad person, with tendencies that you may think are forbidden.

Which they are not. Many, many people fantasize about being sexually attracted to someone of her/his own gender, myself included. Do I feel bad about it? No, but I must confess at the same time that my upbringing could easily have induced feelings of guilt here. In that respect I'm just lucky, I guess. And I would describe myself as simply: heterosexual. I find my own fantasies somewhat adventurous, and that's it.

Your doctor is right in assuming that you desire 100% certainty and a clear-cut answer to your doubts. That's how OCD works. My own forms of OCD (checking, hoarding) worked/work exactly the same. One thinks in black and white, with no grey in between. The grey is so terrible for us, grey means: doubt and uncertainty. Yet grey is also one of the essences of life.

That is what I can come up with at the moment. My idea: there is no need for feeling sick, upset and confused about the doc's comments. Nor for assuming that he thinks you are gay. Nor for fearing that you're 100% gay, nor for seeing being gay as something bad and unwanted.

I know: what I wrote is easily said and typed, from my perspective, and perhaps hard for you to stomach. But I hope that I could help you somewhat here, and also that my different take on the doc's opinions does not induce feelings of uncertainty in you, on top of what you already feel.

Best, Cuthbert.

Mon Jan 23 2012 8:41:08 #
Mike
Member

He's not saying that you're gay at all. In fact, he said that there is no good evidence that you're gay. He's spot on in terms of how OCD works - you need to do CBT so that you can accept the possibility that you're gay, just like everyone else does. Once you accept that it is possible, and that you can live with that possibility, your anxiety and obsessions will decrease.

For example, although I have no evidence to suggest that I'm gay, I fully accept the possibility that one day I might realize that I'm gay. Since I accept this possibility, I have no anxiety or obsessions about it. This is simply because my OCD does not target my sexual orientation. So I would only worry about it if I found convincing evidence.

Wed Jan 25 2012 2:33:47 #
Sydney :)
Member

I haven't been on to properly thank both of you guys. Thank you. Of course I read it in a different way and nitpicked anything that could seem like he was saying I was gay. Anyways thank you for helping my warped, demented mind understand what he was saying.

Sun Jan 29 2012 3:23:50 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Sydney -

thank you for your comment here. I would like to emphasise this:

due to your anxiety, you read the doctor's comment in a certain, highly subjective manner, and picked out the phrases that might potentially, however slightly, point to that fear of yours, perhaps confirm it.

It is important that you realise that all of us do this, moreover: all people in the whole wide world do this, not only OCD patients. This goes especially for comments that are related to our most intimate and private feelings. In matters such as this one, total objectivity does not exist.

And therefore I would be oh so happy if you would eventually succeed in avoiding descriptions such as: 'my warped, demented mind'. You don't deserve such negative self-labeling. You are a most worthy person, believe me. And your bias in interpreting the doc's words is natural. But your anxiety is not, and that is why I think you'd do well to seek help, to reduce it substantially.

Best, Cuthbert.

Sun Jan 29 2012 10:44:40 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there, yes, we tend to self negative ourselves, if that is the right way to say it...We don't need anyone else to do it for us, we achieve it pretty much on our own, such is OCD... You are a sensitive good person Sydney, if you weren't you wouldn't care about any of this, but your OCD will drive it...
Cognitive behavioural therapy teaches ways of thinking that overide the negative self-talk we give ourselves... As Cuthbert says, just stick around with everyone you like regardless of gender, and wait for the rest to happen it it's own good time... It will happen I'm sure!Honest!
How are you today, Cuthbert?
Wannabe

Sun Jan 29 2012 20:16:54 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Wannabe -

thank you for inquiring, I am doing pretty well (couldn't catch your post yesterday). Am busy at the Uni Library, looking up new scientific info on OCD. Since it's the best-researched mental disorder, new facts and findings are emerging on an almost daily basis. Today, for instance, I read stuff about antibodies in patients, that are directed against one's own so-called basal ganglia, important nodes and areas which are involved in OCD. They may be dysfunctional as a result, their shape and volume may be abnormal, as can be their metabolism. Also, there's quite a lot of attention currently for research that investigates the brain condition of patients before and after treatment; intriguing, since medication and CBT have shown to be working through different pathways in the brain.

And, dear Wannabefree, how are you doing? Were you able to reduce your recent anxieties somewhat?

Best, Cuthbert.

Mon Jan 30 2012 13:06:38 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Cuthbert, I'm not doing too badly... I'm managing to stay stable, just... I'm trying to read Stephen Fry's The Fry Chronicles today. It is quite hard going, but I intend to get some reading in to improve my writing...
Your research sounds fascinating, mind you, I'm not very academic at all so I struggle with science... Thank you for your kind words...
Wannabe

Mon Jan 30 2012 21:54:57 #