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Wannabe is feeling very low at present...

(27 posts) (12 voices)

Started 4 months ago by wannabefree
Latest reply from wannabefree
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wannabefree
Member

I'm very, very down at the moment... Woke up this morning, thinking it isn't worth it... In my dreams I don't have OCD, I'm working in an engineering factory, getting very dirty, just like I did many years ago, and then in my waking 'soup' I get the whole lot mixed up with my OCD, and I'm in a right mess... I didn't want to get out of bed... I'd wanted to try and do an ERP experiment this morning with my socks, turn them inside out with my hands, and put on the pair of socks I'd worn yesterday... (I'm using ellipses again, that is how low I feel... I'm very, very down...) On a positive note, I have managed to do the sock ERP... And that is good I guess, but I feel so down... I went really extreme with it, wiped my hands on my trousers, after pulling my socks inside out, out and licked my fingers to defy it... I haven't washed my trousers, I've kept them on... But I feel so down, I haven't been on here for a couple of days, cos I was going to bed early cos of feeling down...
Sorry to be low this morning, I'm frightened of the CBT...
wannabe

Sat Jan 7 2012 11:58:51 #
Tess
Member

Hi wannabe
Sorry you are so low this morning, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hope your day improves. Tess X

Sat Jan 7 2012 12:26:13 #
Truddles
Member

I too am sorry to hear that you're feeling so low today, but there's no need to apologise for being low. That's what the forum is for, to share and get support when you're feeling low.

Well done with the sock ERP, though try to stop licking your fingers as it's a compulsion and so is a form of reassurance.

It's natural to feel frightened before embarking on any therapy. Do you know when you're starting the CBT?

Sat Jan 7 2012 14:16:57 #
thinkingincodes
Member

Hi wannabe,

well done on your amazing achievement!

How is your evening going?

Codes

Sat Jan 7 2012 17:11:24 #
max
Member

hi wannabe, sorry that your mood is low,
i hope you feel better this evening.

Sat Jan 7 2012 17:44:20 #
max
Member

hi wannabe, sorry that your mood is low,
i hope you feel better this evening.

Sat Jan 7 2012 17:44:20 #
Twitchy
Member

Hey Wannabe,sorry you are feeling so low,but keep thinking about the achievement you made today,u should be proud of yourself.

Sat Jan 7 2012 17:56:02 #
playthoseblues
Member

Hi wannabe

Keep going, you're an inspiration around here, and we wish you the very best.

Jon

Sat Jan 7 2012 21:08:39 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone, thank you for your kind words of support, I do feel a lot better this evening. It is amazing the difference a day makes. We went out in our newly repaired car today, which was great, but I do like going on thebus too. I don't yet know when my CBT starts, I keep waiting for the letter to come, with a bit of luck it won't be long. I had one small bottle of WKD blue earlier on, it was a bit like having had a small diazepam, which was nice. I don't want to get dependant on booze, so I'm being very careful. It is the first drink of anything like that since Christmas, so I think it will be okay. I really appreciate you all posting to me today, it means a lot. I picked up my grandaughter today, and even managed to carry her whilst out shopping, which for me would have been impossible a few weeks ago. I just didn't want to let her down. There's no nappies these days so things are better now than they were a few years ago. Any fear of a leaking nappy would freak me out today.
I feel quite good about the socks thing too, a massive achievement for me, I couldn't have done that one last week never mind today! :-)You're right, Trudy, about me needing to stop licking my fingers, cos it proved unnecessary anyway. Once again thank you to all of you, this has lifted me a lot, so I can face tomorrow with a bit more cheerfulness.
Wannabe

Sat Jan 7 2012 21:25:21 #
slogsweep
Member

Congratulations on your ERP success Wannabe, I hope tomorrow brings an easier day for you. We're all grateful for the constant and valuable help you offer on here. Keep us posted,

Slog

Sun Jan 8 2012 0:29:22 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone. It isn't easy is it? I've just had a lousy couple of days with intrusive thoughts and crap from years ago. I'm trying to be happy, but it is so difficult. I had a meeting at the jobcentre yesterday to do with the new benefit system? Something I understand to be ESA, rather than incapacity benefit. I don't understand it, but they think I'm ready to work again, or at least, they did at the beginning. I'm faced with someone who has no working knowledge of OCD, but who understands CBT, unless I've got them wrong of course! I came away, my self-esteem all but gone... I'm hoping to do some voluntary work in the future, but I want my CBT to start first... They just want everyone on incapacity beneit to go to work, albeit when there isn't enough work to go round for people without mental illness. I feel really crap about it all, cos they're changing the benefit system around again so we don't understand it, I think, my benefits have been reduced, and we could lose our home now... It is frightening me something terrible, when people have done such a lot to get me through, and I feel a bit lost again... Sorry to be down again, I'll try and lift myself answering some posts.
Wannabe

Tue Jan 10 2012 19:30:28 #
wannabefree
Member

Well I've done a bit of posting, and read a really good article about Pure 'o', and GAD, which is generalized anxirety disorder, something I just know I have and that makes me feel better when I have a label for it. I feel a bit better. I obsess and worry a lot about things that are way back in the past, right back to school and childhood. I worry about the right now, today, this minute, I worry too about the future, and it is a compulsion to worry if I don't do my other compulsions like keeping everything clean... The thing is, the past is gone, and the future out of reach, so I'm gonna try and live in the moment, like children do. Is this what mindfulness is? I think I'll get some books on it if I can!
Wannabe

Tue Jan 10 2012 21:34:36 #
slogsweep
Member

I'm not a hundred percent sure but I'd guess that's what mindfulness is. I was diagnosed as having GAD at a very young age, I agree with you totally about having a label to identify a problem with, something that can be attributed to other people besides yourself.

If you find any good books on it could you let me know

Hope you're doing alright,

Slog

Tue Jan 10 2012 22:59:53 #
chloe
Member

Hi Slog and Wannabe,

Hope you are both feeling well today.

When I was having my CBT my therapist recommended mindfulness.
I got a list of books from my local bookshop which I showed him. He suggested the following.

Mindfulness For Dummies by Shamash Alidina.
Mindfulness by Prof Mark Williams.
Mindfulness CD by Prof Mark Williams.

I havn't bought them yet so I'm unsure if they will be of any use but I thought I'd let you know.

Love Chloe X

Wed Jan 11 2012 8:54:28 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, Hi Chloe, thank you for the recomendations. I've found some work by Mark Williams in Mp3 from amazon too, and it looks pretty good. Only 89p a copy! So that just has to be worth a go. I'm feeling a little better today.
Wannabe

Wed Jan 11 2012 11:39:50 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone, I've just done another CBT thing and it is freaking me out!
I touched the wheelie bin, and got in the car without washing my hands! My OCD is triggering like crazy, cos now I want to clean the car door handle and the safety belt, but I cannot, it is impossible. I rubbed my hands together, and wiped them allover me, just like we do in ERP. I licked my fingers and hands, I defied it like crazy. When I got home from being out in the car, I went and laid down on my bed, in my ordinary clothes, to 'contaminate' the bed, I really went all the way with that one. It was wierd lying on top of the bedclothes, looking up at the ceiling. I haven't been able to do that for years.
With all this ERP I should be feeling better, but I'm not really... I have to allow things to be 'contaminated' as I see it, let things be 'Okay' so to speak, as they are... But it isn't easy...
Wannabe

Wed Jan 11 2012 14:19:37 #
Tess
Member

Wannabe, that is absolutely amazing, you are so brave.

Wed Jan 11 2012 18:09:26 #
slogsweep
Member

As Tess said that's brilliant Wannabe. I couldn't do the ERP like that for whatever the equivalent would be for me. Must have been terrifying. Really well done on that,

Slog

Wed Jan 11 2012 18:51:30 #
slogsweep
Member

Oh and thank you for the book suggestions Chloe I'll check them out on Amazon

Wed Jan 11 2012 18:53:13 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Tess, Hi Slog , thank you for your kind words... I sometimes think I'm going too far, but I had no choice, I had to get in the car... I'm struggling a bit with all this, to be honest I should be waiting to get proper CBT from hospital... I'm managing though...
Wannabe

Wed Jan 11 2012 19:07:07 #
wannabefree
Member

Well, it is eight hours after I touched the bin and everything, and here has been no ill effects, save a ravenous appetite... I've kept the same clothes on, I've sat on all the chairs, and produced a meal... Maybe this is allright after all... I'll see how I am in the morning
Wannabe

Wed Jan 11 2012 20:52:40 #
Wings
Member

Thats brill on the ERP test, really brave, wish I was as brave as you, one day.

Wed Jan 11 2012 22:33:15 #
aishah
Member

Hi Wannabe,

Well done on facing your fears! You are doing really well and you should be proud of yourself.

I have to stop myself from cleaning all the time. When I'm not cleaning, I'm mentally planning it or fighting off urges to do it. All of these things cause anxiety and I have waited a long time for it to reduce..

Don't get me wrong, there are times when things are a lot easier and I don't think about it round the clock so I am hopeful that some day it will all be in the past and I will have peace.

I hope that your CBT comes through soon, that will help a lot.

I hope you're having a better day today!

Bridget

Thu Jan 12 2012 17:45:44 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Wings, Hi again Bridget, thank you for your kind words. It is a better day of sorts today... I'm thinking about doing voluntary shop work, that'll be interesting, sorting through the jumble without freaking out! I'm probably gonna wait until CBT starts, but I just might get going earlier... I'll think about it for a while, and see what happens... I too hope it will be in the past and have peace, I can't remember what it is like not to have intrusive thoughts, and worries about everything, and stress, and all this OCD stuff!
Let's all get through this together!
Wannabe

Thu Jan 12 2012 17:57:04 #
beth1982
Member

You're very inspirational!!! It helps others to hear that you can be so brave no matter how frightening you find it WELL DONE!

I try to expose myself to the little things that start to get me anxious but it's hard! What's also difficult is that my "compulsions" are mainly in my mind.......trying to make things ok, rationalising it in my head, trying to convince myself.......seeking reassurance from others occasionally, and also the dreaded Internet

I hugely applaud you for carrying on!

Beth xxxxx

Thu Jan 12 2012 18:09:40 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Beth, Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me. It is difficult this stuff though! I'll probably do nothing at all for a few days, let this lot all sink in somehow... I too do a lot of rationalising of stuff in my head. Careful with the internet though, there's some awful stuff about OCD on youtube, and sites like that. But OCD Action is a lifesaver for me.
Wannabe

Thu Jan 12 2012 18:18:05 #
beth1982
Member

You're welcome and I know, the Internet can be really dodgy!!! You can use it to confirm or deny any fear going :) but, yes, sites like this are a massive help....real people who really understand and reading others' stories really helps you to get back to the mindset that it IS OCD, and their successes really spur others on.

Thu Jan 12 2012 19:02:23 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Beth, yes, I do so wish I hadn't got this though, cos it is very tiring, and I'm finding it all so exhausting. To be honest I'm scared of the CBT therapy... At the moment I'm sort of in control of it, as far as it is possible to be, I guess... The medication helps, I think... I'm plodding along!
Wannabe

Thu Jan 12 2012 20:58:18 #

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Today I went to the plant nursery and had a good rummage looking for plants for my containers and didn't feel the need to clean my hands until I got into the car. I've even topped up the pots with new compost and planted everything and then swept up.
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