OCD Action

Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi everyone -

I would love to hear stories about your eventual visual symptoms that may accompany OCD. A thing that often occurs in checking and hoarding: 'staring'. Whilst being very insecure, one may intensely gaze at an object of insecurity: a faucet, a doorknob, a coffee machine, an object that is to be, or not to be discarded. Call these 'doubt objects' for the sake of brevity.

Somehow, in my case, it felt a bit like self-hypnosis. Like my consciousness was temporarily lowered. Staring at the surface of a sheet of paper, it was like eventually I was staring at nothing... until I moved my eyes to something else.

I would interpret it thus: the building up of a correct impression is impaired. While others quickly decide that something is 'wrong' or 'not wrong', I (we?) can't make up my mind. As if what I see simply isn't taken up properly in my memory. Stranger still, I often spoke in a normal voice that what I wanted to see with my eyes, to memorize with my vision. Like: 'the window's closed', 'the door's locked', 'the faucet doesn't run'. Weird but true: by hearing myself declaring such a state of things, I slowly could decrease my doubts and fears, until I could finally leave the house.

It's also called: the absence of 'smooth pursuit'. My eyes wouldn't run smoothly over what I saw, my room, my things. They had the vexing habit of staring intensely at the 'doubt objects', clinging onto them, then move more or less continuously to other 'doubt objects', and quickly clinging onto these again, to make sure if they were safe (closed, in the 'off' position).

Any takers? Try to put into simple words what you experience(d).

Thanks in advance, Cuthbert.

Mon Jan 18 2010 14:52:19 #
stevieb
Member

Hello Cuthbert.

I think I know what you're saying. I've suffered this one, usually with checking that a switch was 'off,' for example. I'd stare at it for a long time, then just as I felt a sense of satisfaction, and start to move my eyes away, the 'off' position of the switch is no longer fully off to my mind, so I have to stare at it again, and tell myself over and over again "it's off, it's off." This one was a particular pain when I worked as a factory labourer a few years ago, it was my job to switch off a couple of items of machinery before I left.

I've even, on more than one occasion, been walking up the street to go home, then turned back to check them again!

My worst 'staring' episode was when I was working at this same factory. I was in the attic, where there were piles of old sacks of materials, various rubbers etc. One of the sacks at the top of this pile had a lightbulb above it, but there was at least a couple of feet clearance. But I had to stare at this gap between the bulb and the old sack, fearing that the gap was insufficient, and that the heat of the bulb may actually burn the sack and cause a fire. It took me a long time to prise myself away from it.

This was largely because it was the last day before we broke up for Christmas, and I didn't want this worry on my mind during the Christmas break, which was over a week!

And like you say, with this type of obsession, we do find ourselves looking away quickly, for fear of our eyes or our confused brains telling us that the thing we've been staring at, or something else, isn't quite right.

Thankfully, this is much a thing of the past for me, I only usually check things quickly a couple of times before I set off for work now, and rarely stare at anything anymore.

I hope this all makes sense to you, Cuthbert.

Best wishes,
Steve

Mon Jan 18 2010 16:30:27 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Stevieb -

it makes eminent sense! This is exactly what I hoped for: a well expressed report of a certain symptom in OCD. I recognize so much in your story... the going back to check again, the fear of the bulb getting too hot... very well written.

I must log out now, I hope others can tell their own experiences with this sort of problem. There is evidence that our visual systems are implicated in OCD (well, at least in certain subtypes); and therefore research is being done into the connections of certain brain parts with others (the visual cortex, notably). The bundles of nerve fibres are altered, but this seems to be reversible; your remark of it being a thing of the past is a strong indication for that.

Cheers, Cuthbert.

Mon Jan 18 2010 17:00:00 #
stevieb
Member

Thanks Cuthbert

I'm glad you were able to relate very well to my story.

That's very interesting about the visual cortex being affected with OCD. Its probably true, and I have a feeling that short-term memory is also affected, a small part of the reason we have forgotten if we've checked something again. But I think this is mostly down to messages in the brain failing to reach the right department, because we often find that even though we know we've already done or checked something, we still have to do it again.

Interesting stuff, eh?

Best wishes, speak to you soon.

Steve

Mon Jan 18 2010 22:15:16 #
Rena32
Member

That sounds just like me, I stare at the lock on my doors, and try to convince my eyes and mind that I know it is locked, I stare at the coffee pot to convince myself that it is off, I stare at the the electrical outlets in the walls, to prove to myself, I did indeed unplug an appliance. I spent countless hours doing this every day, and it seems to take forever just to get out the door and go to work. Most times I verbally tell myself aloud, that the door is locked, the coffee pot is off and unplugged, ect......It is like doubting oneself over and over. It does help to know that I am not the only one, who does this and that others can relate to this.

Tue Jan 19 2010 3:37:15 #
Sazzle
Member

I can understand this completely. For me, I can stare at a light switch or a door lock or a window for ages, knowing that it is off/locked/closed but not be able to convince myself of it. It was like I couldn't see what I was seeing! I know that doesn't amke sense but I can't think how esle to express it!

Fri Jan 22 2010 14:06:20 #
Stephen
Member

i experience staring too, and my G.P says that's a symptom of depression, i do it everyday, and seems to be worse now i'm off my medication (ssri's) so may be some truth in it

stephen

Fri Jan 22 2010 16:34:31 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Thanks for the informative replies, folks! There definitely is a connection between certain forms of OCD and the visual system. There are visible changes in nerve bundles connecting our 'understanding' to our 'vision'. By 'understanding' I expressly mean: interpreting the validity of something we perceive from our inner world, but also the outside reality.

So it is very well possible that we do see, literally, that it's 'right' or 'wrong', but that we have great difficulty in letting that what we see 'kick in in our brain at the right spot', so to speak. The window's closed, we see that it is closed, but the click between seeing it and understanding/trusting it is so hard to make. This would explain that we talk to ourselves, to actually hear that the window's really closed. Funny: the hearing system is not implicated in OCD. So we use our own mouth and ears to make the connection that we can't make with the eyes alone... the ears are a substitute, a crutch we lean on.

By the way: the fact that people can recover from checking obsessions makes it almost certain that, whatever successful therapy was applied, the failing connections in the brain can be repaired.

Fri Jan 22 2010 18:11:25 #
Truddles
Member

It's interesting what you are all saying, as I've had real problems trying to get through to the professionals and to get them to listen to me.

When I'm checking something I can be looking at it and still not comprehend what it is I'm seeing. I can for instance look at the window to see if it's locked, it has the type of lock that is clearly visible as to whether locked or not. And yet I can't see whether it's locked or unlocked. To me it means nothing it's just a window and takes me ages to be able to determine one way or the other. It's so frustrating to see something and yet to not see it (sorry that sounds confusing )

I know that I have sight problems and that my epilepsy causes visual problems, but they are totally different to this particular problem and I thought it was me being stupid, so it comes as a relief to know that others experience similar.

You're right Cuthbert, I found some time ago that by verbalising it, gradually I can see the actual situation. Though it takes a long time for the penny to drop (my poor little brain at times is a weeny bit slow on the uptake )

Fri Jan 22 2010 19:03:46 #
Sazzle
Member

As an aside, with regards to hearing, I find that I am hyper sensitive to certain sounds, such as things dropping on the floor (have massive issues with worrying I have dropped something!). It does seem to be the case though, that while the visual system can display deceptive immediacy in an OCD sufferer, hearing doesn't seem to. I never find myself doubting what I am hearing, only going over what I may have heard, and doubting it then...

Sun Jan 24 2010 20:47:53 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Sazzle,

Sorry for the delay but I'm a little disorganised this week as OCD giving me hell, but welcome to the forum.

I agree with you about hearing, I too can be hypersensitive to sounds. Things like a dripping tap or the creaking of the central heating pipes sound really loud and distract me, allowing the OCD to take over.
I too worry about dropping things and every noise makes me think it's something that's dropped.

You don't feel so isolated when you know that you are not the only one experiencing such things. Doubt is such a powerful force isn't it?

Trudy

Sun Jan 24 2010 22:13:57 #
Unregistered

Hi everyone
This is a really interesting thread. I have managed to overcome checking problems but I attributed it (perhaps wrongly)to my Seroxat. Stevieb how did you manage to overcome your checking? Was it by conscious effort, meds or did it just get better? There is a young girl in our support group who has dreadful problems, she even takes a camera wherever she goes and photographs plugs and sockets so that she can look at the photo when she goes into another room to convince herself, but this doesn't work either, she then can't believe the camera. I would love to be able to give her some hope as she has recently been turned down for funding at the Maudsley and is very low at present.
Joyce

Mon Jan 25 2010 11:42:06 #
stevieb
Member

Hello Joyce

I think all aspects of my OCD have lessened considerably over the last couple of years, maybe more so in the last 12-18 months. The checking thing is something I've found the confidence to overcome, but it still catches me out from time to time. Like when I still had my car, and had to park some distance from my door, I used to walk back to make sure the steering lock was on, and that the door was locked, the bonnet locked down, the window closed, and the wing mirror folded in, so that no passing cars could hit it. (this actually did happen a few years ago)

But more often, I got into the habit of checking everything only once, then just walking away. As for sockets, I'm less worried about this now. I simply get less of an impulse to go back and check them, even if I'm about to head off to work. I'll usually just do one quick check of the boiler switch, and a couple of sockets, then leave. If I think to myself 'did I switch off the boiler?' then unless I gave a genuine doubt that I did, I won't go back and check, I'll just leave.

But I do have a slightly stronger impulse now on checking that I have my keys before I close the flat door behind me, and that I have my wallet, mobile phone, and travel fares. But now I'm going to overcome this too.

But most aspects of my OCD have declined. This does, however, concern me slightly, simply in that its hard for me to say that its been entirely by my own efforts that this has happened. Partly it is, but I feel that my OCD has weakened anyway.

Of course this is good, but can I really claim all the brownie points for effort and willpower, when it may be more of a case of my OCD slowly dying a natural death, thus only making it easier for me to overcome? So is it going to make a dramatic 'comeback' sometime? I somehow doubt that, as I have it under more control now than in the past. I do think that it must be partly my own efforts that have starved this OCD beast anyway. And now is the time for me to leap on it and stamp it out for good before it does attempt to strengthen again.

But woe-betide my OCD if it does dare to renew its wrath on me!! I'll just beat it back down again.

So to summarise, I think a better understanding of how to deal with OCD impulses, a greater confidence in doing so, have played a large part in me overcoming compulsions. I believe I am better equipped mentally at dealing with it now than when I was younger.

And I've never taken medication for my OCD. I was offered some once just before I set off on a big trip abroad, in the Autumn of 2004. Its always just before things like this that my OCD can play up a bit more, but I declined the medication, as the therapist told me that it may make me feel sick. And I didn't want to feel ill while I was travelling.

Steve

Tue Jan 26 2010 1:09:11 #