OCD Action

After a few pretty good years in which I've reduced my medication, had a much improved quality of life....it's back as bad as it ever was. I need to off-load so excuse the length of this post.

Fourteen years ago when I was 23 I was at a friend's house with his two daughters when this "what if" thought popped into my head. The thought was essentially related to whether I was capable of hurting a child physically or sexually. I was extremely disturbed by this as I had always had good relationships with children, babysat for my mother's friends when I was a teenager and never had any self-doubt in this area before. However within days of it starting, I was avoiding supermarkets at certain times of day, avoiding walking past schools etc. The thoughts became more and more intrusive, my experiences of anxiety became more and more extreme and my distress grew daily. I really believed I was losing my mind - what I now know to be a classic symptom of anxiety and OCD - which I was later diagnosed as having.

Over the years the problem has been manageable at times and extremely upsetting at other times. I got a degree, MA, worked successfully as a journalist for several years and got married. The contrast was that in my personal life (and secretly) I tried many types of therapy (private and NHS), lots of different anti-depressants, been to OCD self-help and support groups but without ever really getting any better.

There is a lot more to my story than the synopsis above. I can say with all sincerity that my belief in the rights and well-being of children has never changed and to be frank I can't believe that my OWN mind has done this to me. I've compared myself to the worst abusers imaginable, have cried myself to sleep, ritualised over and over again, had so many panic attacks while desperately trying to maintain a facade of normality. I know from my own research over the years and of course from talking to professionals that I suffer from an extremely upsetting form of OCD which is not entirely uncommon and I take comfort from the fact that statistically people with this illness are highly unlikely to hurt others. I do, however, desperately want to improve my well-being, be less afraid, be happier, help other people and even have children. I don't believe that these aspirations are unreasonable or unrealistic.

Recently I've had extremely distressing intrusive thoughts about being violent to my girlfriend. It's unbearable and terrifying - I understand it but at the same time I don't; the same feelings of "impending insanity" and panic overwhelm me. I think "how can I go on like this?" I feel like I want to avoid her - just like I felt previously that I had to avoid my nieces and nephews and other children. i know I won't act upon the thoughts or do I? Even after all these years the doubt is as bad as ever. The fear of losing control or "going mad" is as bad as ever.

So on Monday I found myself crying to my GP after yet another panic attack who I will see again later this week. I was meant to see "my" psychiatrist on June 29th but this has now been brought forward to next Tuesday because of my distress. I have no faith in this professional - in the last two years he has cancelled a lot of appointments and I've gone up to nine months at a time without seeing him. A friend of mine's sister was under his care and was voluntarily hospitalised. He recommended electric shock treatment which she agreed to have. After quite a few sessions she killed herself in January. I don't want this to happen to me. From what I've learnt since I believe she too had OCD because she was terrified she was going to hurt her daughter.
If you've come this far thank you for being patient and reading this long message. It's reflective of my recent distress and despair. I just want desperately to get better.

Phil