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struggling this morning...

(61 posts) (12 voices)

Started 5 months ago by wannabefree
Latest reply from wannabefree
This topic is Not a support question

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wannabefree
Member

I don't normally come onto the forums in the morning, but I don't know why, I'm really struggling this morning... I woke up with a sense of doom and gloom, and just didn't want to get out of bed... I'm scared I'm spending too much time on my written work, to the point where that is going downhill... I'm wanting to catch up on my reading, which is what I'll do today, I think... CBT scares the living daylights out of me sometimes... I have to allow things to be less than perfectly clean... Christmas is looming upon us, and I'm scared of that... It is all over the telly, and shops when we go in them... It seems everywhere has got the christmas music on, but I cannot seem to get caught up in the excitement of it all, I just go down...
I want to get better, but however much I try, I cannot seem to lift out... I'm still waiting for my tablets to work... I don't know when my proper CBT is due to start, I just know that it will be next year... And I'm scared... I read about it and it seems alright some days, but today I've just started the day a bit down I guess... It could be just depression, cos I get that a lot...
It is almost dark here, despite being the middle of the day, and that doesn't help, it being dark... Anyway, I'll go and do some reading of one of the many books I've bought recently, I must structure my day, but I wake up tired...
Anyway, I'll do some reading and see what happens...
wannabe

Sun Dec 11 2011 11:47:26 #
Tess
Member

Hi wannabe
Sensible idea, if you are starting to lose confidence in your writing - take a break and do something else. I suspect it is just the OCD eroding your confidence, telling you porkies that your writing is not as good as it could be, but it is an indicator of stress - so work around it. You are also worrying about CBT before you have even started which will just make it a bigger mountain to try to climb. I know exactly what you mean about Christmas too, there is an expectation to be full of anticipation and to make a huge effort to make it a wonderful time of the year - but the reality is that the stress we impose on ourselves and each other at this time of year can make life very hard. I am going to be a real misery and say I HATE Christmas and I will be so relieved when the cards come down and we can get back to normal. Yes, it's lovely to hear from friends and to see the children playing with their new presents but the financial cost, the shopping, the consumerism - it's all extra stress which we don't need when we have to contend with OCD - and as for those who are going to spend Christmas day alone, there is a young man in our support group who is dreading it so much he says he will drink himself into oblivion and sleep through it.
Sorry, end of rant, started this trying to be supportive and look what happened!

Sun Dec 11 2011 12:07:02 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Tess, thank you for your reply, Yes, I agree with you about Christmas, and I will definitely have a drink to get through it! It will be the same sad stuff on telly that we watched last year, the soaps are already gearing up for disaster... I don't watch any of the soaps anymore, same as I try to avoid the news on telly... I'm reading the book Taking control of OCD, inspirational stories of hope and recovery,editted by David Veale and Rob Willson... I thought it would be easy reading, but it isn't... But I'll stick with it and come back on the forums tonight...
wannabe

Sun Dec 11 2011 12:44:53 #
Twitchy
Member

Sorry you're feeling bad today wannabe, it's so crap feeling like this, i sometimes feel if i could just turn my brain off i would have no problems. I agree with your opinions of Christmas too, i used to love it but it's nothing but a pain in the arse now,what are you going to do with yourself today?

Sun Dec 11 2011 13:14:42 #
Chrisu
Member

Hi wannabe... Know the feeling too well...
Really also feel the society we live in is so hectic and that doesn't help me either... Am trying to be too perfect but my days have to little hours
I use breathing when I can feel it building up ... Breath in counting till 5 and breathing out counting to 10... Repeat about 10x... If u feel light headed, u r doing something wrong...

Just hang in there... Cbt is everything but scary, really gd! Hope ur day is improving? If the book stresses u, do something creative, that helps me too and u have a positive end result too...
Started climbingnwhen my OCD started, and that's such an amazing sport to engage ur brain, non time for OCD nonsense when u r dangling on a rope.
Take care

Sun Dec 11 2011 14:02:31 #
aishah
Member

Hi Wannabe,

Sorry you're struggling today. Keep going with the CBT, it's always hard in the beginning but it will get easier and help you I'm sure.

Hope your day improves.

Bridget

Sun Dec 11 2011 16:11:30 #
slogsweep
Member

Sorry to hear you're having a bad one Wannabe, keep as busy as you can. You're not alone in finding Christmas difficult. Are there any sports or non-festive television shows you like? Take a little break from your writing, nothing gets done when we're being too self-critical. Eat decent meals and read up on OCD in one of your books, knowledge is power as you once wisely told me

Be friendly to yourself, try and find something to focus on other than Christmas,
Best wishes
Slog

Sun Dec 11 2011 17:12:38 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone, thank you for your kind messages... I've got about half way through the Taking control of OCD book... It is good reading, the second story is about washing hands, and it felt good to read another account of it to my own... I'm feeling a touch better this evening, evenings are always my best times, for some reason, that's a good thing I can relax in... I have to just let the thoughts be there until they go away on their own, which is difficult at the best of times... Aint it awful that we have one of the few illnesses where reassurance doesnt work well!!
wannabe

Sun Dec 11 2011 19:49:21 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Wannabefree -

sorry to hear that you had trouble to face the day, yesterday (Sunday). Yes, it's bad to have to wake up with the emotions you describe, the insecurity re: medication and CBT, and in your case, your wariness about Christmas. That, combined with the pretty gloomy weather (the darkness, I mean), can make for a less than life-enhancing experience. I must add that it's very, very human... you are a sensitive soul, and in itself that is a good thing. There are many non-patients, seemingly 'normal', who don't feel that much at all, neither in sad circumstances, nor in happy ones. That's a real cage to have to live in, IMHO.

About Christmas: I don't know what to make of it, in general. Some people go to great lengths to, um, 'celebrate': they overstretch their credit card debts, spend as much as they can, preferably in the company of others whom they want to impress with their spending power, stuff themselves with fat food and rivers of alcohol... and their 'festivities' often end up in terrible rows and in-fighting, family-wise. OK, you will know by now that this is not my type of Christmas, and it is the polar opposite of the spirit of these holy days... Christ would have judged such activities in extremely harsh terms.

On the other hand, there are families who keep it simple, and where folks enjoy each others company, first and foremost. Presents are modest, and perhaps created entirely by the people themselves, accompanied by a little poem for the recipient. It's the other side of Christmas, the lovely side, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with the media frenzy, the loudness, the mad consumerism, and the false smiles you see so often.

Why did I write this? Because I myself have a natural tendency to see the not-so-nice side of things (which is part of my OCD). So I try to remind myself as frequently as possible that that other side also exists, and that, through its very nature (the modesty), it's not as conspicuous as the negative Christmas experience - and then, whenever I perceive the good side of it all, I feel happy.

I wish you all the best with your reading, your writing, your meds becoming effective, your CBT, and your efforts in accepting that things may not necessarily have to be perfectly clean at all costs. There are hurdles, yes, and you will succeed in overcoming these. Keep us updated, and we'll reply, mr Wannabefree!

Best, Cuthbert.

Mon Dec 12 2011 9:23:36 #
Unregistered

Hi Wannabe,

hang in there, it's going to be a brilliant year for you next year.

I can tell you my personal experience, which is that a course of CBT, and a course of anti-depressants, (and the relief of finally understanding what was causing my problems), have changed my life.

I suffered from intense depression throughout the whole of my adult life. And now...the depression has gone. Because I can see what my problems have been, and I now have the tools -- and the knowledge -- to be able to live a much happier life in the future.

I'm not just saying this because you're down. Listen carefully: CBT has changed my life. It really has. (The Fluoxetine has really helped, too!) I have started to change in lots of ways. I understand myself much better now, and I am hopeful about the future -- for the first time in...well, for the first time ever!!!

In my personal opinion, a course of CBT is the greatest Xmas present that you will ever receive. I'm not just saying that. It can change your life.

Even if you only feel 50% better after your CBT, wouldn't that be a massive success? Imagine feeling 50% better than you do now. If you feel 60% better, or 70% better...that would be amazing, wouldn't it?

Try to remember what it's like when you're at your worst, and then imagine what it would be like to be better. And try not to get fixed on the idea of an "all-or-nothing" kind of success. A big part of the recovery from OCD (in my own opinion) is just learning how to look at your problems in a different way.

I hope you have a brilliant Xmas, Wannabe. And I KNOW that you're going to have a fantastic year next year. Because you're the one that's going to make it happen.

"CBT is not just for Xmas -- it's for life!"

Mon Dec 12 2011 10:28:38 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Cuthbert, Hi Londoner, thank you for your lovely words, it is really appreciated... Yes, I agree about Christmas, mind you one of the things I do like about Christmas is the chance to say thank goodness the shops are shut, and whatever we haven't got we make do without... It is good to sit down when all the prezzie wrapping is done, and I can just have some chocolate to eat... It is the simple things that make christmas, and I enjoy that... If I've forgotten to buy anything it is just one of those things, and we can make up for it in the new year. We always make sure there is fruit and stuff in as well, cos that is good for us... We just chill...
It is christmases long gone by, and thinking of people who are no longer with us... Christmas can be a bittersweet time, though hopefully there will be some good things on telly... Thank you for your confidence in me, it helps to lift me and I do feel better after reading your posts... Really appreciated... I hope next year will be good, we can always hope so, there is a lot to look forward to, especially the CBT... Thanks guys,
wannabe

Mon Dec 12 2011 20:15:17 #
slogsweep
Member

Hi Wannabe, hope you're feeling better than you were the other day. Speaking of Christmas, it can be a bit depressing when the tipple is flowing and we can't join in because of our medication or it's side effects. I get horrendous headaches with even the slightest bit of alcohol with these SSRI's. Bavaria 0% is totally non-alcoholic and is a really decent tasting lager.

Saying that, a lot of Christmas cheer comes from the food. Hearty, wholesome food can only be good for our embattled serotonin. And that's my favorite bit too, after the presents, sitting down, looking out into the garden, relaxing with a book or film while some fall asleep. I love the lull before the evening celebrations.

Best wishes and have a wonderful Christmas.

Slog

Mon Dec 12 2011 20:19:53 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, you too, have a great christmas, good idea that non alcohol lager, might try some,I only have small amount of booze anyway, cos anymore just makes me feel worse! I am feeling a bit better this evening since coming on here... :-)
wannabe

Mon Dec 12 2011 21:32:44 #
slogsweep
Member

Quitting drink was the best thing I've done in a long time. Since my depression I've quit smoking and drinking and feel miles better for it. I do miss the odd quiet pint but have been very surprised at the quality of non-alcoholic beers nowadays. I'm sure over-drinking in my teenage years, where a 50cl bottle of vodka or whiskey was a staple of a night out contributed to my woes as much as anything.

I'm really pleased you're feeling better, you offer such wonderful support to anyone and everyone on here,

Slog

Mon Dec 12 2011 21:42:38 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi slog, thank you for your lovely words, I'm glad too, it has been a rough couple of days, the weekends always seem to have a difficult time for me, The highs of Saturday, to the lows of Sunday... But I'm lifting now...
wannabe

Mon Dec 12 2011 21:46:38 #
wannabefree
Member

I'm down again... I don't know why mornings have to be so bad... I wake up worrying about the day ahead... I worry about facing things I'm scared of... My mind goes on a journey of catastrophising everything... I was supposed to go to day centre today, and I just don't feel like facing it... I'm so tired in the mornings, it is all overwhelming me again... I've taken my fluoxetine dose this morning, but I don't honestly know if it does anything... Wow I hate mornings! For me it is the worst time of the day... I feel like I want to throw up, but resist it, swallowing hard, cos otherwise I'll lose my meds down the wotsit... I know the feelings will ease off as I go through the day, but mornings are a nightmare for me... It's awful this OCD I sure hope this'll lift soon... I don't like it at all...
wannabe

Tue Dec 13 2011 9:51:02 #
slogsweep
Member

Hello Wannabe

I went through something similar on a daily basis for about a fortnight. Now I get sporadic bad mornings, today is one of those sadly .

Try setting yourself small targets the night before, write them down. It gives you something to focus on other than the OCD.

Best wishes, hope you feel better soon,

Slog

Tue Dec 13 2011 10:00:17 #
Truddles
Member

I wake up worrying about the day ahead... I worry about facing things I'm scared of... My mind goes on a journey of catastrophising everything..
Because the OCD fixates on all the negative things about your OCD, I've been taught to keep a list of all my OCD achievements especially all the small ones (it's so easy to forget the small ones and yet it's these that give you the confidence to go on to achieve greater things in your recovery) Then when I'm down and everything seems all doom and gloom and the OCD is catastrophising every possible scenario I can look through the list and focus on what I have achieved and so I'm able to be more positive about the day ahead of me.
You have to learn to believe in yourself and your abilities and not take the word of the OCD. Not easy but it can be done with practise.

Tue Dec 13 2011 10:06:40 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, yes, hopefully things will get easier for us as the day goes on...
Today is my bath day, cos I'm going to a concert this evening... I'm worrying about that already! Hope you have a good day too...
wannabe

Tue Dec 13 2011 10:08:07 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Trudy, thank you for your words too...
wannabe...

Tue Dec 13 2011 10:54:09 #
wannabefree
Member

I'm down again, but not as bad as the other day... I've dealt with socks this morning! I had to turn them the right side out so I could put them on... I just did it, then licked my fingers in defiance, because I'm trying to accept that nothing will happen... It is the same as we did years ago when camping... The reason I lick my fingers is the same as having a biscuit after getting dressed... This whole contamination thing scares me... It is always bad in the morning... I have to somehow push through this until I get the proper CBT therapy... I went to a concert last night... It was really good, and I had a rucksack on my lap, the one that had been on the floor in our living room, where people walk and stand, after being outside in the street... And there lies the dilemma... I don't know what is on the bag, but I know that it is now on the front of my trousers... I can see no marks of any kind, it all looks alright, so I've got the same trousers on as last night, in defiance of my OCD... It isn't easy this, but I have to carry on... I'm using the computer after someone else... Do they wash their hands? I don't know... I have to just trust that, if it isn't making them ill, it cannot make me ill, and the same for anything I touch after the computer... If it can't make them ill, it cannot make me ill, so it has to be okay... The thing is, I'm trying to reassure myself now, and of course, reassurance doesn't work with OCD...
So I don't know what will become of this... Cos I have to function in the world...
I really do wish this was easier... I'm struggling to read the book I picked up the other day, I just want to sleep all the time, but the OCD doesn't go away... I think that I have depression as well as OCD, and the two seem to feed off each other... I'm forever scared of cross-contamination, as If I'm responsible for everything, and yet my carer doesn't worry, my relatives don't appear to worry... But me, it is on my mind the whole time... It is habitual worry, worry worry... I want freedom from worry, freedom from this damn OCD...
I have to trust that everything will be okay, but I struggle to believe that that is so... Sorry to be so negative this morning, but it is how I feel...
wannabe

Wed Dec 14 2011 12:25:22 #
ACB33
Member

Hi Wannabe,

Im really sorry to hear your suffering this morning - Dont worry though as I can come and join your club and keep you company. I suffer so bad in the mornings that it takes me most of the day to calm myself down and then im knackered by the end of the day. I dont have problems with contamination myself (I suffer with Intrusive thoughts and also a bit of health anxiety too I think). I know they say by putting yourself in that truly terrifying position your doing the best possible thing. Dont be too hard on yourself though, what your doing now is something that the CBT will encourage you to do (but only when you are ready for it!) Try and keep the trousers on that you were wearing last night but dont make yourself feel too ill through it - its not worth getting yourself in a state over it. Dont forget little steps are huge strides in concurring OCD. Even if you can wear those trousers for a few hours that is a MASSIVE achievement and something you should give yourself a massive 'pat on the back' for!

Stick with what you are doing because this is one of the best ways to at least tame these fears.

Stay strong and be positive and WELL DONE!

ACB

Wed Dec 14 2011 12:52:24 #
wannabefree
Member

Thank you for your kind words ACB... I've still got them on, and intend to try and stick with it... As in CBT, just thinking a little about it, letting the thoughts just be there until they die down to nothing... Yes mornings are a right game aren't they! I tend to lay in my warm comfortable bed, doing realxation exercises... That does help , I find... I sure wish the anxiety would die down... I've just heard the postman put something through the letterbox... I'll go and pick it up in a minute...
Okay, I've just done it, and come straight to the computer without washing my hands, so it is all over the computer now... (I did lick my fingers!)
I know I shouldn't lick my fingers, but it is either that or eat dozens of biscuits! More later...
wannabe

Wed Dec 14 2011 13:08:08 #
ACB33
Member

Hi Wannabe,

That is an amazing achievement - I saw that you were really scared about the prospects of CBT - trust me when I say that clearly contamination is a huge part of your battle but if your already doing these things - you have NOTHING to be worried about with CBT. I have found that CBT has taken a while - mine is slightly different though because I under went major surgery last year and the therapist is trying to find out what the root cause is of all this (if its GAD, PTSD or OCD etc) so I have had to go through alot about my childhood and the operation etc.

The morning spikes are simply the worst things because although sometimes when I stir in the mornings the thoughts arnt there - i suddenly remember im suffering with all this and thats when they come flooding through and turn into panic.

I havent learnt how to allow the thoughts to be there at the moment because im SO SCARED of them I do my hardest to get rid of them, suppress them and I shake constantly because they make me feel physically sick.

I know by relaxing the thoughts dont seem as strong but I get panic attacks at the moment and they can take a great deal of time to settle down. I am going for some hypnotherapy on Monday as I would like to try that too. I know doctors and therapists will always tell you never to mix and match therapy but I just desperately need something to lift my mood as im very low at the moment and cant pull myself out of this mess.

Make sure you dont eat the packet - but defo have one more biscuit - you deserve it after all your hard work today with the post, computer and trousers

Keep up the good work!

ACB

Wed Dec 14 2011 13:18:41 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi ACB, thank you so much for your support... I'm glad I've come on here now, I usually leave it til the evening... Your Hypnotherapy should help, it is a form of very deep relaxation, giving your mind time to resolve things... It is really good... It is possible to do self hypnosis too... I've got a relaxation disc to do with OCD, I'm going put that on in a minute, and see how it goes...
Hypnosis is known as a complimentary therapy, I believe, that means it compliments other therapies too, so it should be really good for you... Give it a go and see what you think...
wannabe

Wed Dec 14 2011 13:31:06 #
ACB33
Member

No problem Wannabe - Its nice to have someone on here who is also suffering in a similar way to me (not that I would wish this AWFUL illness on anyone!) but it does also help you realise that your not going mad because I think thats something that everyone believes is happening when you suffer with any anxiety disorder.

Yes I am look forward to the hypnotherapy and Im really hoping its going to help because I dont want to be this depressed and down over xmas - I used to LOVE Christmas but I cant wait for it to be over with this year so I can get back to some sort of normality.

What I will mention and this will be good for everyone on here (and im sure OCD Action wont mind me saying this) If you go on Anxiety UK and become a member (£23 standard and £30 Therapy - a year) (like I did) you can get discounted therapy and they say they can normally help you within 2 weeks. They also offer other services too which may help you later on. Check it out and see what you think - I have put the link in below...

[url=http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/about-us/membership-benefits/]null

ACB

Wed Dec 14 2011 13:47:04 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi ACB, had a look at the website, it looks pretty good so I'll bookmark it to my favourites and see if they'll set up a support group near me... Thanks for the info... Hopefully the hypnosis will help, cos there's few things worse than feeling miserable while those around us are cheerful... I'm feeling a bit better this evening, strange how some of us feel worse in the morning... But hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better in the morning... I've managed to keep the same trousers on all day too!! So that is one hell of an achievement...
thanks again,
wannabe

Wed Dec 14 2011 20:25:05 #
ACB33
Member

Hi there again wannabe,

Im pleased you found the website helpful - there seems to be quite a bit of help out there but its knowing where to find it. I may not be going for Hypnosis now as my therapist believes it may interfere with my CBT treatment as im suffering with both PTSD and OCD so Im having to be a little careful with the therapy and how i go about it. I think I just need to be patient with the medication and try and get through these 2 weeks with no CBT and get sorted again in the new year.

I do feel better in the evenings too which im so so thankful for because I have been some how managing to sleep undisturbed at nights until I wake up in full blown panic around 6am every morning. Im just pleased and know how lucky I am that I can sleep as I know many suffers have to add this to their list of woes.

Just wanted to add a MASSIVE well done to you for the trouser victory. I honestly think CBT will be a huge help to you because you are already having the bravery to do some exposure therapy yourself so thats brilliant! Have another choccy biscuit

ACB

Wed Dec 14 2011 22:33:29 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi ACB, thanks ever so much, Yes I'm pleased to have achieved the trouser victory... And the sock victory... I'm gonna crash out now and get some sleep, I'll have another choccy biscuit too!
night night,
wannabe

Wed Dec 14 2011 23:08:08 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone, it has been another difficult day... I'm now starting to doubt that my meds are doing anything, but they must be, cos I'm on the full dose of fluoxetine now, it must be doing something... I'm due for a review of my meds early in the new year, so maybe I'll try something else... I've just had several spikes today... I tried to repeat the sock thing from yesterday, but gave up half way through, so I'm not yet ready to do that every day... I tried to rub a sock on my trousers, to try and believe that it cannot harm my trousers... But I ended up wiping them down with soapy hands... These are the same trousers for the last few days... I've virtually struggled all day... I wanted to do some writing, but can't get into it, so I feel as though I am wasting the day...
I've just picked a pen up from from the living room floor without washing it, I'm gonna try and wait and see the anxiety melt away... It should do, but sometimes it takes hours... Yesterday I was getting better towards the evening, hopefully it will be the same today... The intrusive thoughts have been especially strong today, making it difficult for me to concentrate on anything at all... I got up very late, after staying in bed trying to do relaxation, but it didn't work very well... I sure hate this OCD...
wannabe

Thu Dec 15 2011 16:37:14 #

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Today I went to the plant nursery and had a good rummage looking for plants for my containers and didn't feel the need to clean my hands until I got into the car. I've even topped up the pots with new compost and planted everything and then swept up.
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Thursday (10th May) I handed in my last assignment of a 3 year degree course, meaning I've completed a degree despite being affected badly by OCD for two-thirds of my time there. For the first time in months I feel as if I have achieved something :).
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