Hi everyone
Having a hard time at the moment with recurring thoughts that I have done things wrong that have lead to other people being hurt. Am feeling really down and don't know what to do. Don't really know what I'm asking of you all, there's nothing anyone can do. Feel so down. Sorry for sad post.
Snap!I know exactly how you feel, although i'm not going to be much help to you, i hope it helps you to know you're not alone. I started with this worry 10 years ago which lead to my checking OCDs, recently i have started quite a responsable job which has triggered off my worry and harm obsessions even more. Are you having a CBT at all?
Leapfrog please dont ever feel like you have to apologise for the sadness of your posts. I have had my fair share of posting sad posts and we can all relate to having bad days with ocd.
I for one can totally relate to what you are saying about feeling like you have done things in the past that may have led to others getting hurt this is ocd at work again making us think we have done things that we would normally never dream of doing such as hurting others.
I realise that there have been times in my life when i have hurt people for whatever reason (usually it has been six of one and half a dozen of the other) that on its own is hard enough to deal with when we know what we have done but life goes on and we either end up making up with the people or we just learn to go our separate ways i know i may be sounding cruel at this point and i never intentionally go out of my way to upset people but life being what it is it does happen sometimes. I also know what you are saying but from your post the things you are thinking are just that thoughts, nasty thoughts that ocd has put into your head. You have to believe in yourself that this is just ocd playing its cruel tricks. I myself have often had the thought that maybe i have hurt someone through my careless actions but if you start thinking that way you will always be able to come up with something and then dwell on it. Its sound a hard thing to do but you have to put yourself first and say to yourself this is ocd.
Your post really touched me and i am not sure if i have helped i just thought its always good to know others are going through the same thoughts and that you are not on your own.
Take care
Liz x
Hi twitchy and tizz...
Thank you so much for your posts, it does help to know I'm not alone, not that I want anyone else to be feeling like this at all.
I'm so tired of being up and down in my moods all the time and finding it hard to follow therapists advice. Feel weak and pathetic.
Have very resposible job too which I love but sometimes it is very hard to deal with and think today it caught up with me a bit.
Thanks again for the posts it means a lot
Hi Leapfrog, welcome to the forums... Me too, I find it good to know that there is others with this, and I too wish this on no one...
wannabe
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow in work leapfrog, we can do it! I love my job and took 3 years out to retrain for it, it makes me so angry to think OCD is trying to ruin it for me. Do you feel like when you come home from work you'll always find something to worry about and then you'll find something else if the original worry doesn't worry you enough (or is it just me being crazy!!)I never have a worry free weekend, i'll always think of something!
Hi Leapfrog,
Just so you know, you're absolutely not alone. You and me are part of a sizeable proportion of members here who suffer from this often-not-discussed-enough form of OCD, past-tense OCD as it is sometimes known, constantly worrying if we have done something terrible. It's obviously scarier than present tense OCD as things in the past we can't change. However what you are suffering from is OCD false memory or OCD-caused over analysis.
There are many other forums if you click the hottags on the right hand side of the forums page. I highly recommend you view things on false memories and intrusive thoughts. I've written a few articles and gained some wonderful insight off the members here.
Best wishes, you're not alone buddy,
Slog
Hi everyone,
Very emotional at the moment, had my very last follow up session with my therapist on Monday.
As I've mentioned before the CBT has been amazing, but I feel like I have lost a good friend as I won't be seeing him any more. Is this normal? He was the only person I have ever felt safe with.
I am struggling so much at the moment and I know this sounds silly but I've just caught one of my cats head in the fridge door. I can't believe it, I am always so careful. She is alright but I keep going over and over in my head as to how I could have been so stupid.
I even put my head in the door to see how painful it was.
The fact that I'm even saying this for everyone to see is amazing, but I really need help to try and stay strong.
Ifeel so awful about my little cat, I wouldn't hurt her for the world.
Iknow it was an accident but I feel so gutted that I may gave hurt her.
Thank you for listening.
Chloe X
Ieven put my own head in the dooe to see if it was very painful
Hi chloe
I think it's very common to feel bereft when you lose a therapist who you have felt able to trust and rely on, certainly several members of our support group have felt like this when their therapy came to an end and they were officially discharged. In fact I have witnessed them going through a form of bereavement in which the emotions change from initial loss and despair to a phase of anger at being left high and dry and eventually a coming to terms and moving on. At the time they felt as if they had been left without support but I came to realise over a period of time that this is a bit like a child growing up and moving away from home and it is a necessary process in order for that individual to become independent. I also came to realise that none of the members of our group were discharged from therapy until they had reached a stage at which they were ready to take the next step even though they did not feel it at the time. I think all you can do is to think of this as the start of something new rather than the end of something which had become comfortable and dependable.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the messages of support it means such a lot to know there are people who understand.
Twitchy, I have the exact same thing, it is so frustrating!
Often feel Friday is my worst day because if something goes wrong at work, I can't fix it til Monday and end up spending the whole weekend locked in my head, frustrating for my partner too.
Slogsweep thanks for the info, will have a look. Its definitely over analysis and just a crushing weight of responsibility that I feel the most.
As I have been diagnosed for a few months now, I do have a better understanding of how OCD effects me, but often feel I have no way of knowing what is the correct amount of worry to feel - does that make sense? What if I am not worrying enough about things that I should be worrying about and then something will happen because of it? Looks ridiculous now I've written it down but its honestly how I feel.
Chloe, I do something similar to you if I think I have accidently hurt someone, if I can I make myself feel the same pain to check what my response should be, and rerun the incident over and over in my mind. I'm probably not much use to you other than to say I have an understanding of how you feel.
Thanks again everyone
Hi evryone... Yes, I remember what I felt like when my therapy stopped a couple of years ago... I felt that the therapist was like a really nice older brother, who'd helped me immensely... I think I probably cried on the way home... I'm waiting to start again but it won't be the same therapist cos he has left my local service... So now there's the apprehensino as to whether or not this next one will be as good... I think they're lifesavers when they're good, and mine was, but as Tess says it is a move to independence and seeing if we can fly free so to speak...
wannabe
P.S Hi Chloe, your cat will be fine... they are more resilient than we are, and leapfrog, I used to worry on Fridays too! I'd be thinking about everything so much the weekend just didn't exist!
wannabe
Hi Chloe -
Tess is right. With an experienced therapist, with whom one really 'clicks' in emotional terms, a firm bond can grow - that is normal, and I'd say really desirable too. Without 100% trust and personal warmth and understanding, there's a real risk of such therapy not having the effect one aspires to. On the other hand, saying goodbye then is a truly sad thing. I can only reiterate what others said already: it's a step to a next stage in life, and initially it may feel like walking on a tightrope. But new stability will settle in after a while.
And: that Friday feeling... oh gosh, it awakens memories in me, and surely not the happiest ones. When I worked in a biomedical lab, I of all people had to load a centrifuge with test tubes. One has to very carefully weigh those tubes against each other, because if there's a small difference in quantities of fluid, the centrifuge will start shaking heavily at top speed, or even self-destruct. The machine had to work all weekend long. So I left at Friday afternoons, knowing that I had done it to perfection. But once at home, doubt settled in. And I was worrying the whole weekend long... did I do it right? Or did the centrifuge get ruined and was I to be held accountable for the damage done? Only at Monday mornings, I could find some reassurance, eventually. But those weekends were terrible.
There are not that many things in life that I hate with a vengeance. But well, OCD is on top of that list.
(BTW: humour is a powerful thing to fight such memories, when they come up. Yesterday I laughed myself silly when watching 'The Two Ronnies' on the Beeb. I love British humour!)
Hi everyone,
What wonderful people you all are. Hope you are all having a good day. I can't tell you how much your answers mean to me. I too felt like the therapist was like an older brother and when I left him for the last time I felt a huge sense of loss and as you say Cuthbert I seemed to have developed a close bond with him.
Leapfrog, I can't believe that you do the same type of thing as me regarding accidently hurting someone. It made me feel so much better knowing I am not alone in doing this.
If anyone had seen me with my head stuck in the fridge door, well they would certainly think I had l lost it big time!!!
By the way, my little cat is fine and I think she has forgiven me!
Love Chloe XXXXXX
Unregistered
Hi Chloe,
I'm really pleased that you benefited from the course of CBT, and that you got on so well with your CBT therapist. You were very brave to take the CBT, and you will have inspired lots of people by talking about it on here. 
I have attached some links below which you might like to take another look at:
NICE Guidelines for Treating OCD (version for the public):
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/files/2009/09/nice-cg031-publicinfo.pdf
“Accessing Treatments – Your Rights”:
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/files/2011/10/Number-3-Treatment-your-rights2011d2.pdf
“Medication for OCD”:
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/files/2011/02/Medication-for-OCD.pdf
(All of these documents can be found on the OCD Action website, under "Resources".)
If you have come to the end of a course of CBT, and you have benefited from it, but you have not yet fully conquered the OCD completely, then here are my personal thoughts...
If you got any benefit from the CBT (whether it's 10%, 50%, or 90% -- or 1%!), I would say it's been a success. I think you're a winner just by doing the CBT, and if you got any benefit at all from it, then I think you've done a fantastic thing, and should be very proud of yourself. 
There are some great things you should know, when you have done some CBT. One thing is that, if you request another course of CBT, you should get pushed to the front of the queue. (See the attached links. If you have had at least one course of CBT already, then your waiting time when you ask for the next course should be shorter, as you get fast-tracked.) Which is nice! 
Also, you may get to see the same CBT thrapist, if you go back to the same place. Which sounds like something you'd enjoy!
Also, you'll know all about CBT the 2nd time around, so it won't be scary. You'll know how it helped before, and you'll know that it's helpful.
And...you should have the skills now to "be your own CBT therapist", as your therapist might have told you. (CBT is like a DIY kit, that you can use forever.)
And...whenever you go to OCD support groups, or talk on this forum, or meet other OCD sufferers, you'll be able to tell them about your CBT experiences, and maybe encourage other people to take the scary step of getting treatment. From experience, it feels really fantastic when someone goes to their GP, or starts CBT, because they were encouraged by your support and by your own story.
Also, please read the attached documents, and look at the information about medication. Some people find that medication (anti-depressants, aka "SSRI's") make a big difference to their recovery, either with or without CBT.
So another good piece of news is that, as it's your GP who prescribes the medication, you can always go to the GP to discuss your medication options.
Oh, the good news just goes on and on. (!)
Your CBT therapist should also have told you (if he's on the NHS) that you will get some follow-up CBT sessions with him next year. Maybe every 6 months or so, he should set up follow-up appointments, where you go in and talk about how you are, to see whether or not you need any further CBT. (If he didn't, then phone up and ask about this!)
So if you get into a panic in the future, you can go to your GP, and you can contact the mental health unit directly, to ask them about your options for further assessments.
And finally...when done compulsively (repeatedly), reassurance-seeking is the enemy. However, that doesn't mean that people can't EVER give you reassurance. So I would like to add my opinion that the incident with the cat and the fridge is nothing to worry about. (A few weeks ago, I was shutting my car boot, and whacked the car boot on to my mum's head. I managed not to ruminate about that, so I give you permission not to ruminate about your cat!!!)
You're a star, Chloe -- don't forget it!!!
I agree with londoner, chloe
wannabe
Hi Londoner,
Thankyou so much for your wonderful message of support.
I was so overwhelmed I could have cried at your kindness. Thanks to everyone else as well. I really didn't expect to get any response.
I can't tell you how much better it has made me feel.
Londoner, I hope your mum is alright and thankyou for the permission not to ruminate about my cat. It worked!!!!!
Regarding the CBT, I would recommend it to anyone.
If I was given offered a million pounds [highly unlikely I know!!} or the therapy, the therapy would win evertime.
To suddenly be able to make sense of my whole life, is absolutely pricless.
It is probably the most scariest, frightening, emotional, anxiety provoking experience I have ever had. But is without a doubt the BEST experience of my whole life.
If anyone of you lovely people are thinking about CBT I would say - go for it!
Thanks again for your very wise words.
Big hugs to you all.
Unregistered
Hi Chloe,
that's really fantastic. I'm so pleased that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been a success for you.
You really have no idea how many people you might be helping by talking about your treatment on this forum -- so thank you.
Re: the million pound offer, I think I'd take the million pounds...and then I'd use a little bit of the money to hire my own private CBT therapist!!!
I hope (and know!!!) that you will continue to build on your successes so far, and that OCD will be less of a bully to you in 2012. (Year of the London Olympics -- woo!)
As we're rapidly approaching Xmas (which was often a bad time of year for me, when I was younger), it would be fantastic if we could get lots more posts on here like yours, Chloe. Lets get a really positive vibe going for the rest of December! 
I used to love Xmas when I was a kid. Now that I've been through CBT, and I feel like I'm becoming my old (more cheerful) self again, I'm looking forward to Xmas. (And I haven't even asked Santa for any presents. Might ask for a repeat prescription of Fluoxetine, now that I think about it...)
Buy your cat something nice for Xmas, Chloe. Maybe a toy mouse, or a big can of Whiskas???
"OCD Action is not just for Xmas -- it's for life!"
Hi everyone, I agree with you Tess, I'm sure we'll be posting on here on Christmas day too... And yes, Chloe, it is wonderful to hear you sounding the praises of CBT, cos it is helping me to feel just a bit less scared of it... My big ask of Santa is that the waiting lists go down a bit!
Thank you for the positive vibes idea, I agree... I'll get some chocolate, and that will definitely help cos I love the stuff! Let's try to start to feel Christmassy everyone...
wannabe
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