OCD Action

Unregistered

Hi, I'm Glad.

I forgot to say that I am a new member. I was in the Bethlem as an inmate for about four months 12 years ago (with the wonderful Jonathon Ash). At the time I was also suffering from severe depression. The OCD was much better for eleven years while I was at Uni studying. But now I am no longer a student I am once again ill with stuck thoughts and stuck body (I find I get pinned to the spot unable to move out of a room). I constantly have thoughts that I have gone down a drain or put my clothes down the drain and am contaminated. Checking makes things ten times worse as it gives credence to my thoughts and makes me feel even dirtier. It also does not work as my hands are so sweaty that the clothes do not feel dry. Showering does not help as I do not feel safe anywhere in my house. I am also waking four or five times during the night. I therefore know that the only way ahead is to face my fears and put up with the anxiety. I was successful yesterday after 'contaminating' all my best clothes after an episode and having gone to bed without showering, and so thought that today would be easier. However, it is actually just as bad. I have had to 'contaminate' all my best clothes again twice today and have once again faced anxiety up to ten. I know that, for me, this is the only way to beat this illness as, otherwise, I will remain afraid to move around freely in my own house and even less able to go out. But, it is so so hard with only one expensive CBT session a week and no contact with anyone who really understands. My husband tries but after 30 years still does not really believe it is an illness and gets really angry with me.

Medication never worked although I am at present on a very low dose of citalopram (3 weeks) (20mg made me lose my appetite and increased my anxiety so the doctor told me to cut it down to 10mg). I would really appreciate any advice any of you can give me as it is really hard fighting this alone.
Thanks so much in advance

Glad

Thu Nov 12 2009 16:23:20 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Glad,
I'm so sorry to hear that you've had a bad couple of days.
I too know what it's like to feel unsafe in your own home, I also know what it's like to have family have no patience with you.
I too am a new member having only joined this week, I felt really alone and isolated until I became a member. Now I realise that for the first time I'm not alone that there are loads of us out there all going though similar experiences. I know that it doesn't solve your problems but it certainly puts things into perspective to know that there is always someone that has some understanding of what you're going through. If you want help and support the best people to get it from are from are fellow OCD sufferers. They wont judge you and most importantly can empathise with what you're going through. We don't need sympathy but a little empathy goes a long way to boost the confidence of us OCD folk!
Don't feel that you have to suffer in silence, if you need to chat there are loads of us to chat to. I'm in such a mess with my own OCD so the only advice that I can give is talk to us we'll listen.
Hope this helps.
Truddles.

Thu Nov 12 2009 17:58:55 #
Unregistered

Hi Truddles

Thanks so much for this. You are right it is only fellow sufferers who can empathise and we certainly do not want sympathy. I made some very good friends at Bethlem and think most of my fellow sufferers there were some of the kindest most caring people I have ever met. I miss them still. Having little or no support from family and constant criticism has helped destroy my fragile self confidence gained from my success at university. I would not dare to tell my non-sufferer friends what my real thoughts are for fear that they would think me totally mad - which I am not. Off to my CBT this afternoon - hoping it will help though the torrential rain will make it rather scary for me to get there. Will keep in touch.
Thanks once again
Very best wishes
Glad

Fri Nov 13 2009 10:00:33 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Glad
How did your CBT go this afternoon?
I went for my first CBT session today, didn't receive any treatment as yet more assessment forms to fill in so the treatment starts next week. I think that I'm going to get on with the therapist he seemed ok.
I'm sorry that you're getting little or no support from family, I know what that's like since my mother passed away earlier this year mine don't want anything to do with me. Probably just as well as they too were always criticising me. They were full of bright ideas as to how I should be caring for my mother but unwilling to muck in and help.
It is only other OCD sufferers that can even begin to understand more importantly you don't feel the need to apologise to them for your actions.
I withdrew from all my friends as I was too embarrassed by my OCD.
I was lucky I literally got to the front door as the torrential rain started up until then the rain had only been heavy -good job he didn't want to video the session as I looked like a drowned rat!
Please do keep in touch and let me know how your CBT went.
Best wishes
Truddles

Fri Nov 13 2009 17:07:24 #
Unregistered

Hi Truddles

It was interesting what you had to say about your family and your mother. I had the same thing as you three years ago. My sisters and brother left me to deal with a very sick mother (in a warden assisted flat.) When I got her into a nursing home they rarely visited but were always full of bright ideas as to what I should do. She died 10 months after going into the home and two months after my husband had a brain haemmorrage (sp?) and so at the time I was having to deal with both at once and still they did not come to help. I'm surprised my OCD did not come back then. But I suppose that dealing with the funeral the will and the writing-up of my PhD postponed it.

The CBT worked today well though I had another attack just after I got home. Morgan was trained by Professor Marks and David Veale (Maudsley/Bethlem and so she will be far better than my last therapist. She wants me to go on contaminating all my clothes and everything in the house each time I think I have gone down the drain and think I am contaminated. My last therapist did not understand this procedure. She is also going to try EMDR on me next week now she has a full picture of how my illness started and what triggers each attack. It is expensive at £45 an hour but I had some money from my mother which will cover it. It is really a good investment anyway as despite being over 60 I still have a lot more to do in this lifetime.

I am so very pleased to have made contact with you. And let's keep in touch regularly. At least every Friday after our CBT. Do I understand from your other postings that you are a nurse? It seems that it is caring people that are more susceptible to OCD.
Best
Glad

Fri Nov 13 2009 19:00:02 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Glad
Have just settled in front of pc with cup of tea and am treating myself to a mince pie, though I've had to hide the box or I'm liable to eat the lot.
How strange that we have so much in common. My brother and sisters left me to cope with my mother for eighteen months and then for the last weeks of her life when she was in hospital they interfered and took over and wouldn't include me. I wasn't allowed to see her for the last 5 weeks of her life. I never got to say goodbye, they never even had the courtesy to tell me that she hadn't long to live. And now I'm no longer needed to look after our mother they don't want to know me.
By this time last year by sheer hard work and by myself I'd managed to virtually conquer my OCD and when this all kicked off with my mother it came back with avengence (Have I spelt that right?).
Families can be cruel, it's ok all the while your able to do for them, but as soon as you need a little help and support you can't see them for dust.
SORRY about the rant but they've really hurt me. As a result of their actions I've lost my independence.
Glad that the CBT with Morgan went well today, it certainly helps if you manage to find a therapist that is able to understand your problems. I hope that you continue to do well with her. BTW what is EMDR?
I'm not far behind you in age and given the potential life expectancy now a days we're still youngsters!
Would like to keep in touch and I'll try not to rant so much next time.
Best wishes
Truddles

Fri Nov 13 2009 19:50:17 #
Unregistered

Hi

Just off to bed. Ranting is good - I think your family behaved apallingly by taking away your rights to share your mother's death. That is just as bad as my situation wherein mine did not seem to care at all. Yes we do share a lot in common, don't we. EMDR is rapid eye movement therapy which has had beneficial results with patience with post traumatic stress disorder. I looked it up on the internet. It is supposed to help you to come to terms with the situation which causes you pain. I have not tried it yet but I think that by moving your eyes in a certain way while you visualise your real fear/trauma it helps you to come to terms with that fear because each time it re-occurs you get the same smell, sensation, emotion that you felt the first time round. I feel it may help me. My beautician has also offered me some healing free. I can repay by teaching her Reiki techniques - I did two courses but only use it on animals and cannot do it on myself. Anyway anything is worth a try if we are to get this under control.
Off to bed without showering -quite difficult tonight as usual.Sleep well and leave yourself some mince pies in case you need one when you get up.

Best

Glad

Fri Nov 13 2009 22:23:08 #
Truddles
Member

Hi glad,
Sorry for the delay in replying but OCD been really bad this weekend and has taken up most of my time. If I don't get some control over it soon I'll not even have time to breathe. It's taking me so long to do the copious amounts of laundry that my OCD creates and I've gone through eight yes eight bottles of hand wash this weekend.
What with the problems with doing the laundry, the continual hand washing and checking I'm exhausted. Apart from the problems you have with the drain do you have similar probs?
Good luck with the EMDR therapy I hope that it helps.
At the moment I couldn't possibly go to bed without showering, it's part of my OCD that I can't get into my bed unless I've showered and then got into a clean nightie without touching anything. I'm frightened of contaminating the bed and that I'll die as a result. The fear is so real that it takes me a couple of hours to get ready for bed so that I feel safe.
Did you have a good weekend despite the awful weather?
Best wishes
Truddles
Ps I've only had two mince pies, how's that for self control!

Sun Nov 15 2009 21:01:07 #
Mystical
Member

Hi there,

Hope you don't think I'm being forward, but couldn't help seeing what you've been posting over the last few weeks and really feel for you Truddles; I can't imagine the issues you have to battle with each and every day, but can say that I have issues with sleep and the fear of sleep keeps me to very anti-social time for retiring and for waking, which causes me much fatigue and lack of energy when it comes to sorting out the other issues life presents. I don't have a shower - indeed I'd love one and I can't use the bath without help - which I have just lost through the state of my living conditions. How does one clean round piles of junk etc while the person living in the midst of those piles is happy to do so? Lost my gardener for similar reasons - both my fault but at least now my doctor is taking me seriously and getting me to see a CBT professional, though he assures me there is a wating list, I'd determined to try it! Mystical_one

Mon Nov 16 2009 0:47:28 #
Unregistered

Hi Truddles and Mystical_one.

I am so sorry that things are so bad for you both. I also have trouble with washing myself, my hands and my clothes. Drains are simply the final and most frightening stage of my OCD. At one time there were many other things I avoided, including stain on pavements people with cancer, mould, toilets and dogs. I seem to have overcome these as I only experience minimal fear when in contact. I try to keep my clothes washing to the minimum because of my past experiences of failure. Before I went to the Bethlem, I was washing my clothes over and over again. It literally took me all day Saturday to do one load of washing and I was working full time as a Civil Servant five days a week at the time. I was also taking over half an hour to have a shower as I had to have the same amount of soap all over my body before I could rinse off and make marks with shower gel all over the wall to prove that I had showered. Finally, my hands peeled at least once a week from so much self-abuse (washing myself and my hands in neat Dettol - I use Carex now). This is why I avoid showering too much and try to keep clothes washing to a minimum. Namely the whole process exhausts me, destroys my self-esteem and leads to even further self doubt. My new therapist (Maudsley trained) told me to contaminate all my clothes and sofa and chairs every time I get thoughts that I am contaminated. This way there is no possibility of cleaning them all. This is extremely frightening to do, but for me it is the quickest and, probably the only, way for me to get better. The end result is that I feel rather dirty most of the time. But at least I am not totally exhausted. Whatever works for you, I do feel that CBT including exposure therapy is the best therapy for OCD sufferers with contamination fears. Certainly, it is the only treatment that ever worked for me and I have had a 40-year long list of NHS therapists who gave up on me. Do keep in touch please and let me know how you both get on with your CBT.
All the very best
Glad

Mon Nov 16 2009 14:09:53 #
Truddles
Member

Hi glad,
Nice to hear from you again.
I used to think that some of my obsessions and compulsions were unique to me and that was partly what embarrassed and frustrated me so. I now realise that others have the same. The washing is almost like a form of self harm as it results in split dry skin that if you're not careful can become infected. The laundry is my main problem at the moment as like you I can take the whole day to do one load of laundry but I can then create as much washing doing it!
I'd agree OCD is exhausting and demoralising. I was told to stop using antibacterial soap such as carex as was told that it makes the hands even sorer.
let me know how you get on with the new treatment wont you.
Take care.
Truddles

Mon Nov 16 2009 18:18:56 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Mystical,
Nice to hear from you.
You're more than welcome to join in any time.
You're not alone with sleep issues, I too am afraid of going to bed and as a result my bed time is getting later and later and I'm getting less and less sleep which in itself doesn't help either the epilepsy or the OCD.
I'm also having to try to clean a flat that is in a mess though in my case I hate living in this mess I'm just afraid to touch anything.
Let us know how you get on wont you.
Best wishes
Truddles
I'm glad that finally your doctor is taking notice and sending you for CBT, I hope that you don't have too long a wait.

Mon Nov 16 2009 18:30:31 #
Unregistered

Hi Truddles

Thanks for your support. After three fairly good days I am struggling again. I thought I was almost there as I got control of my thoughts but I have lost the plot once again and now feel totally contaminated. Are you coping any better with your washing and have you found anything that helps? Would be good to keep in touch as this illness is so isolating.
Best
Glad

Wed Nov 18 2009 17:29:39 #
Unregistered

Dear Glad, I wanted to write to you a while back, but was overwhelmed and had little time. A belated welcome to the forum!

I’m sorry you are struggling again. My goodness, and please don’t think this patronizing, you have put so much effort into your therapy, you truly deserve some relief from this nightmare.

I have some things in common with you, extreme contamination fears and a husband of almost thirty years who doesn’t really understand. I still take all day to wash clothes. The first wash (prior to the washing machine) I have to do outside in a large container with a hose. The problem is, I feel the clothes I am wearing become splashed and contaminated, so now I do this chore in my underwear. Bizarre behaviour, even in summer, but winter it becomes painful. Medication has never helped me, either.

Can you tell me roughly how long it takes you to get from the blind panic stage to feeling dirty, but able to cope? A psychologist encouraged me to contaminate my home, but after weeks I was losing my mind with fear and never reached any other stage.

Are you still in touch with the friends you made at the Bethlem and are they still doing well?

I want to go there but my family is stopping me. Did your husband approve of your treatment there?

I am so sorry for all you went through with your mother, and Truddles, I agree with Glad, you were treated appallingly.

Glad, how are you feeling today, contamination-wise?

Tricia x

Wed Nov 25 2009 14:17:56 #
Unregistered

Hi Tricia
Thanks for this. I do think (from experience) that flooding (contaminating everything) is the best way to get over contamination fears. I would recommend the Bethlem - I have not kept in touch with my friends there, but it was they who helped me to get better just as much as the wonderful Jonathon Ash. My husband wanted me to go in as an inpatient as he had lost his patience with me. He did come up a few times to stay for a weekend. But he still does not understand that you have to take things slowly and cannot be bullied into facing fears.

It has taken more than a day (in the past) for the fear to come down to a manageable level after a nasty thought. But after contaminating all my clothes for a fortnight and even wearing my beautiful new purple, winter, Hobbs coat which I wanted to stay perfect, the fear does not to seem to be as high as it previously was. Standing on the drain and telling it that I have power over it has also helped - as has reading my thoughts over and over again to myself for half an hour each day. In fact what is strange about contaminating everything is that I am not afraid of wearing them again as the wonderful strong voice inside me knows that they are not really contaminated. I even wore a beret today that I thought I had put down the drain. The actual putting it on was nowhere near as scary as the fear of putting it on.

I do similar things to you - ie ironing in my underwear to stop my contaminated clothes from contaminating the clean clothes. But I ironed them in my contaminated clothes this morning quite successfully. So I am rather pleased with myself. My CBT lady is incredibly surprised and pleased with my progress. But as I told her, when you pay by the hour you expect to get results.

Anyway. I have left an answer to you other posting as well. In the meantime, I am pleased to have met you Tricia and would like to keep in touch. If you would like to talk privately perhaps you would consider requesting me as a friend. I would like that very much.

All the very best
Glad

Wed Nov 25 2009 15:15:31 #
Unregistered

I'd really like that, Glad. In a rush now, but will reply another time.
Tricia x

Wed Nov 25 2009 15:38:53 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Hi Glad

It's very good to hear you are finding some improvement and that your anxiety levels are falling.

What exactly do you do to 'contaminate' your clothes for the sake of confronting your fear? Do you throw them on the floor? I'm asking because it may be something I could try myself.

And can you explain more about reading your thoughts over and over again for half an hour each day please? What thoughts do you write down? I'd be very interested to know more about that technique and why you think it helps.

... the wonderful strong voice inside me knows that they are not really contaminated ...
I have just walked through a doorway in the corridor at work and I'm anxious I may have brushed against the doorpost. My brain is confused about whether I really felt contact or just imagined it. How do you distinguish your rational voice from your false notions?

Thanks
Parvez

Wed Nov 25 2009 16:17:28 #
Truddles
Member

Parvez,
Hi I too have the doorpost problem and get confused as to whether I have actually touched it or not. It's horrible not feeling able to trust yourself isn't it?
Truddles

Wed Nov 25 2009 17:01:31 #
Unregistered

Hi Parvez.

By contaminating my clothes I mean putting on my best coats and going to my wardrobe and rubbing all my best clothes against myself from head to foot each time I think I have climbed down the drain. This is a really really scary thing to do and the first time you do it the anxiety goes up to ten and stays there for ages. The idea is that if everything is dirty then nothing is dirty. It may or may not work for you. But I do find that it helps me to reach the truth quicker. It also stops that vicious cycle of washing oneself and washing ones clothes. The thought reading is quite nasty and even more frightening. My first thought which I am dealing with is. 'I have gone outside my front door against my will and have gone down my drain. I am covered with sewage. I am contaminated.' If you keep it short and sweet you can almost remember it by heart. I have typed it out on my computer and read and re-read it for half an hour each day. It is frightfully boring to do this and gives you a real headache. But I do think my brain will get fed up with the thought eventually at which stage I will go on to another thought. You can also record the thoughts on a loop tape and listen to them for half an hour each day. Both the contamination technique and the thoughts reading are Maudsley/Bethlem tactics and they are supposed to and do seem to work by helping to distinguish your rational voice from you false notions.

Best

Glad

Wed Nov 25 2009 17:36:34 #