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forum Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Sex life

(19 posts) (8 voices)
  • Started 5 months ago by sarah
  • Latest reply from sarah
  • This topic is Not a support question
  1. Avatar Image

    sarah
    Member

    Right, here goes, I don't quite know how much longer my relationship can last with this ocd. My sex life with my boyfriend is pretty much non-existent. Simply because before I even attempt to do what every normal couple does my ocd starts making me uncomfortable. It'll start giving me anxious thoughts saying its going to go wrong or i look hideous or telling me I need to keep going toilet which is a right passion killer. I have cleaning ocds too and it reminds me of those at the current time, I cant win, what can I do/. WHY is ocd affecting everything good in my life?

    Thu Dec 8 2011 22:09:07 #
  2. Avatar Image

    Twitchy
    Member

    Oh Sarah, OCD is so, so cruel, it seems to grab hold of everything it can to make us feel so lousy and miserable. It's like when you sort something out in your mind it fuels some other problem. What has your boyfriend said?

    Fri Dec 9 2011 9:36:10 #
  3. Avatar Image

    Cuthbert ffoliott
    Moderator

    Hiya Sarah -

    thank you for being so candid. That is one of the finest assets of this site. Everything can be told and discussed, and thankfully there are no 'trolls' that I know of, who poke fun at these matters.

    I do not have a ready-made answer, a panacea to your post. My first question: did you tell a therapist about this particular problem? And was your boyfriend present (assuming he knows that your reticence is OCD-related)?

    Best, Cuthbert.

    Fri Dec 9 2011 9:40:34 #
  4. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    Hi Sarah
    I think what you have so bravely expressed is a very common problem for OCD sufferers though few have the courage to admit it. Seems many forms of OCD are going to cause difficulties because the one thing needed for good sex is to be relaxed and free from worry and to keep your mind on the job in hand so to speak. Contamination OCD made me worry about fluids on the sheets and my hands and we worked out various ways of minimising the problems like ensuring towels and tissues were readily at hand - not ideal for spontanaeity but it was either that or give up sex. It hadn't occurred to me that other forms of OCD cause similar problems but obviously intrusive thoughts about poor performance will have an equally depressing effect on the libido.
    From some very intimate conversations with some of my female OCD friends I think female orgasm may be extremely difficult or even absent for some OCD sufferers. I think we are besieged with media messages that sex has to result in simultaneous orgasm and quite frankly I think this is absolute rubbish, it's a bit like saying a good meal always has to be accompanied by champagne.
    Sex is far more than about performance, it is about closeness, warmth, sharing, comfort, intimacy, love - performance is only a small part and if it goes wrong it can be very funny - and you can always try again.
    Sarah, I think you may be starting with some preconceived ideas of what "every normal couple does" - how do you know what they do behind closed doors and how much of what they say goes on is truthful. My advice is to take the pressure off yourself, if you stop worrying abot sex it will get better - and if you don't want full sex well experimenting with half measures can be lots of fun and very satisfying. My other advice is when the mood strikes, grab the opportunity, your libido will wax and wane with the monthly cycles so take advantage of the times when it is in full flow, don't be afraid to take the intiative, your partner will be delighted.

    Fri Dec 9 2011 11:14:56 #
  5. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    Hi Sarah,

    OCD gets into every part of your life, doesn't it? I have shared some of your intrusive thoughts at unfortunate moments. Especially the intrusive thought that you need to go to the toilet -- right at the worst moment!!! ("I'll be back in a minute!")

    Below is a link for an article called "OCD and Sexual Intimacy", by Owen Kelly, PhD. You might find it useful.

    http://ocd.about.com/od/livingwithoc1/a/OCD_sex.htm

    (I used to think that I was the only one whose OCD played havoc with their love life! Turns out it's a common problem for OCD people...)

    Fri Dec 9 2011 15:53:23 #
  6. Avatar Image

    wannabefree
    Member

    Hi everyone... Me too!
    I agree wholeheartedly with Tess on this one, and everyone else of course... It sure does mess up things in the intimacy department, but your relationship is gonna be far more than just bedroom things... It is the friendship and support you have for one another that wins through... Patience is a virtue, and I know my other half is very patient with me, but hopefully, with time, the OCD will lift, and you'll be able to relax together again... OCD makes us doubt everything, including our feelings regarding whether we are attractive, or good enough, when sometimes just sharing a movie together can be nice...
    I struggle with this one too...
    wannabe

    Fri Dec 9 2011 21:24:46 #
  7. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    Just to add a bit of lightheartedness to this one, I met a young married lady in hospital many years ago with OCD who had to have three orgasms before her husband could have his. Thank goodness her OCD was content with just three !!!! I remember someone whose OCD fixated on the number 77.

    Sat Dec 10 2011 9:42:30 #
  8. Avatar Image

    Cuthbert ffoliott
    Moderator

    @Tess ---> --->

    Sat Dec 10 2011 9:50:41 #
  9. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    Sat Dec 10 2011 10:16:43 #
  10. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    PS This story is even funnier when I think back to the circumstances at the time. The psychiatrists at the time were working on Freudian theories that OCD was caused by sexual repression and they couldn't work out how the multiple orgasm lady with a very active sex life could possibly suffer from OCD.
    Brings a whole new dimension to that phrase of 'having to feel just right'!

    Sat Dec 10 2011 12:00:14 #
  11. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    That's hilarious, Tess!

    Good Lord...77...just imagine!

    Sat Dec 10 2011 12:18:25 #
  12. Avatar Image

    slogsweep
    Member

    I've dithered about posting about this many times so thank you for doing so.

    I began to link sexual dysfunction to the intrusive thoughts which led to more problems. I can't relax, I'm so anxious about failure that sometimes I do and it's highly embarassing. It's really depressing not being able to enjoy the natural pleasures of life.

    I wish I could almost switch my brain off during sex. I used to have a good sex drive but now, thanks to shattered confidence, thoughts not leaving me be and general self-esteem issues I feel useless and often even try and avoid it in case I'm a letdown.

    I envy confident people,

    Best wishes everyone, the openness and honesty of this forum is such a breath of fresh air. Its the one place I don't feel scared to express myself.

    Slog

    Sat Dec 10 2011 15:08:39 #
  13. Avatar Image

    slogsweep
    Member

    Regarding the 77 orgasms, her husband must have been a stallion and then some! :o :o !

    Sat Dec 10 2011 15:10:29 #
  14. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    Hi slog
    The 77 OCDer was about counting and checking, don't think they would have had time after turning the tap on and off 77 times to even get to the bedroom!

    Sat Dec 10 2011 18:03:27 #
  15. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    PS Going back the original topic the more you worry about failure the more likely it is to happen. Avoiding the situation doesn't help, in fact it just reinforces the fear of failure. I'm no sex therapist but I think it helps to talk about your worries with your partner, failure is human and should not cause embarrassment and a loving caring partner should be able work with you to overcome the problems. It takes two to have good sex and two to get it wrong and we can't expect our partners to be on top form all the time.

    Sat Dec 10 2011 18:28:05 #
  16. Avatar Image

    Truddles
    Member

    The 77 OCDer was about counting and checking, don't think they would have had time after turning the tap on and off 77 times to even get to the bedroom!

    I suppose that's one way of practising safe sex

    Sat Dec 10 2011 18:33:25 #
  17. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    Sat Dec 10 2011 18:57:56 #
  18. Avatar Image

    wannabefree
    Member

    I don't know what to say!
    wannabe

    Sat Dec 10 2011 20:55:02 #
  19. Avatar Image

    sarah
    Member

    Hi everybody and thank you for your replys,
    Ive spoken to my partner about this, im very lucky as he is supportive.
    I guess to avoid the situation will only aggravate the issue, I must not let it prevent anything intimate between us, we are a very close couple. I must try my upmost to relax and try to clear my head x

    Sat Dec 10 2011 22:02:56 #

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