Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
i am so messed up 
fighting the tears writing this, i live my life in the same continuous circle
i`m a 38 year old male
im currently in a relatiosnhip with a very special lady, and she`s unlike anyone else i have ever met 
when i`m with her or previous partners, i feel like im living a lie, like im faking it, i get anxious, very very upset and emotional, hot sweats, shear and utter fear etc....
i tell her i love her, but my mind keeps telling me i dont, i have acted like this all my life with ALL my partners...
its like i cant wait for them to leave so i can be on my own again, i have done this with all the women in my life and as of now, i have to stop this, im so messed up and confused, i really want her to be "the one" as she has supported me through all my depression, my intrusive thoughts, etc etc
she is also the only person to have made me laugh, feel relaxed enough to even talk to her about all my problems, yet still on the odd occasion, i get all this BAD STUFF going on in my mind that im actually exhausted and worn out with my feelings, though she has made more relaxed than previous partners by a long way
the usual scenario in my life is normally me feeling lonely, emotional and wanting to have a cuddle and have someone to talk to, basically so i`m not on my own, i dont have many friends, sad arent i?
my job is the opposite to this, im a professional musician and do huge shows in front of thousands of people, so this is all bizarre in my personal life
i meet someone really special, though never met anyone like my present partner in all these years, it feels amazing at the start, then as we get closer and closer, i feel trapped and then the thoughts come rolling in, the hot sweats, the anixety, panic attacks, my mind telling me SHE is not actually the one, so much so that i cant believe how it makes me feel, it really makes me a bag of nerves, its like a demon eating away at me
if anyone has these feelings, you will know how upset it makes you feel...
i believe im just not capable of loving anyone, infact i never have....
all my relationships have ended because i end them, one of the main reasons is because i cannot live with the sheer and utter guilt and terror of the feelings im having and whether they are true or false, or what!
i really cant take anymore of living like this, i want to be happy, i want to feel excited that im gonna see someone, be happy when im with them, go on holiday, laugh and cry with them, tell them i love them and feel that closeness, i felt some of these things some of the time with my partner i finished with today, but the guilt and anxiety won, i had to end it, cant go on living and feeling this way...
i have been to to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression, have tried all forms of medication, nothing helps, i either sweat buckets or i feel worse normally, currently on Sertraline, but do you know what? i dont want to HAVE to take tablets to live a normal life, i sometimes look back and think WHY ME?
i have also been on Fluoxetine, Citalopram and am now about to start Clomipramine
all i know is that i want to feel better and not have these life ruining thoughts as above, so much so, i even thought about ending it all, whats the point anymore?
do i be miserable the rest of my life? fearful of meeting anyone?
do any of you suffer with these feelings? and please dont tell me there is always someone for someone, my own family try and understand, i dont know whether im evil, dont know how to even love, or maybe i should realise that life is meant to be lonely and single for some people
im so confused at the moment, dont know how to feel or what to do
in all of my life, i have NEVER been excited and had that wanting feeling of knowing im gonna see any girl i have been with, and the thing is i want to feel these feelings and be normal like everyone else around me
have also tried CBT counselling and my recent appointment to a Psychiatric Nurse has eased things somewhat as i have been diagnosed with OCD 
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