OCD Action

Brum218
Member

Hello.

I am new to this forum. I am not sure if I am suffering from OCD yet. I obviously need to see a doctor to be diagnosed, but I wonder if any of you can help me. I am sorry if this is overly long and repetative.

I have been in a relationship for over two and a half years. I fell in love with my girlfriend almost instantly. There have been some ups and downs in that time, but things have really settled in the last months or so.

For the first 2.5 years I had always thought either my girlfriend didn't love me, didn't want to be with me. I wouldn't say I obssessed about this, but the thoughts were constantly there. I would be worried she'd meet someone else. I'd worry when she went out about her finding someone else. There were always there and even a year ago when I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. I still didn't really think she wanted to.

Anyway everything was good, I was happy. Until one day over the christmas holidays when she basically said she 'had never loved anyone as much as me' and that '2012 was going to be our year'. Within a few days of this I started to worry that I didn't love my girlfriend. It has been 5 weeks, and it is ruining my life. I know I love her. I know I want to be with her. These words she said are what I have been longing for her to say for the whole time we've been together. But these thoughts are overwhelming. These do not seem normal to me at all. Surely if I didn't love her I would just leave? The anxiety I feel is awful. She is my best friend and there is no one else I would rather spend time with but when I am with her I feel so anxious. Worrying that when I say I love her, am I lying? But I know I am not. It is ruining the time I spend with her, as I am reading into everything I do or say. For example, if my fat fingers miss a kiss on my touch phone then I think that is a sign that I don't love her.

I wonder if it is maybe due to the fact that the intense feelings you get in a relationship in the first instance have kind of subsided me, and that worries me..but I know that is natural the longer you are together.

Worrying she didn't love me was so much easier to deal with than worrying I don't love her. I don't understand it. This is all I ever wanted, to be with her.

I am constantly thinking about it. The only time I am not is when I am having a conversation with someone. Alongside all of this I am suffering from pretty bad depression.

I am on 20 mg fluxotine (day 7), no improvement yet. As for OCD, obviously until I see a dr with a proper diagnosis I won't know. However, when I think about it now in the past there have been times similar to this, but about other things. For example when I was about 20 I was obsessing about death alot, worrying about it constantly. Kind of walking around in a daze about it. But I can't remember how long that lasted and it did just go. I also as a teenager used to do the checking this ie checking the oven many times, even though I had not even used it. But it was never as bad as this.

Can anyone give me any advice? I mentioned it briefly to my dr and he said it could just be the depression, but I think it is more than that. I honestly feel that I would rather not be here than have these thoughts.

Tue Feb 7 2012 11:29:04 #
Brum218
Member

PS The way I discovered about ROCD was out of desperation I typed into Google 'worried I don't love my partner', and it came up. It was like I was writing about it myself when I read about it.

Tue Feb 7 2012 11:30:28 #
KittyCat1989
Member

Hey,
I'm not a doctor so obviously can't say whether or not you do have ROCD but it does sound similar to things I think. I was diagnosed with OCD about 5 years ago when I was 17 and had CBT for checking but it wasn't until I ended up in a a real relationship for the first time about 2.5 years ago that I started to worry about my realationship (I didn't know what it was at first though, just didn't make the connection). When I first got with my boyfriend I worried constantly for the first couple of months that I would never love him and that I was leading him on. I really felt that I should break up with him before it got serious, I had never felt like this before as I had always been sure that I wanted to be with the people I went out with. I just couldn't bring myself to do it though and one day I stopped worrying and thought that was the end of it.
It came and went for a while and sometimes I was worrying that I didn't love him but mainly that he didn't love me. We're still together but are now in a long distance relationship having finished uni in July.
Being so far apart has definitely made things worse for me, I worry constantly that he doesn't love me and quite often it doesn't matter what he does or says I just can't help thinking that he's lying to me. I'm not going to give up though because I know I'm not going to be apart from him forever and I don't know if the long distance applies to you but I know that there are things that he says to me that I don't think he would if he didn't love me.
He tells me he loves me and when we're going to visit each other that he can't wait to see me. I'm also planning on moving down to where he lives soon and he says he can't wait. I am finding it hard at the moment and OCD is a doubting illness but it just doesn't make sense that he would says those thing or have me relocate just to break up with me. Not sure if any of this helps but if she says that she's never loved anyone as much as you then it's probably true, it's not something you say if you don't believe that.
I think you should talk to your doctor and see what they say, mine advised me to tell my boyfriend what I was thinking but only if I wanted to. He already knew about the OCD and that some of it did have to do with him so I explained the thoughts I'd been having, he's been really understanding and he tries his best.

Cat x

Sun Feb 12 2012 23:40:18 #
Mike
Member

This certainly sounds like OCD. If the primary symptoms you have are anxiety about doubt with regards to whether or not you love your girlfriend, I would bet my life that you have OCD. Depression doesn't do this. Basically what is happening with you is that you have become terrified of the possibility that you don't love your girlfriend. You're aware that this is not true, but the possibility is so scary to you that you start doubting yourself. This is the hallmark of OCD - intolerance of uncertainty. No matter what you do you could never prove to yourself that you love your girlfriend; the OCD will always come up with a "what if" that will make you doubt yourself again. The best treatment for OCD is cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches you to identify distorted, irrational thought patterns and also how to learn to accept uncertainty.

I highly recommend you find a good CBT therapist. Make sure it's someone who does ERP therapy and/or cognitive therapy that's been specifically adapted for OCD, because traditional cognitive therapy doesn't work, and actually feeds the OCD cycle.

-Mike

Mon Feb 13 2012 2:44:29 #
Brum218
Member

Hi Kittycat and Mike

Thank you ever so much for your replies. I am feeling much better about this. I have read about exposure and I have decided to be 'the best partner ever'. All the things I used to like to do for my girfriend ie cheesy, romantic stuff, I am going to continue to do, even if I feel like I am lying or being untruthful. Even though at the moment, thinking of spending time with her and doing these things are making me anxious. I want to do them because I enjoy seeing her happy, and from what I have read it may help me?

I am going to look at therapy, and I have brought 2 books one about brainlock and another about dealing with ocd. I am going to try and beat this!

Thank you for sharing your opinions and experiences with me

Mon Feb 13 2012 12:31:57 #
Brum218
Member

Also, are there any other books that anyone has found useful?

Mon Feb 13 2012 12:33:22 #
Mike
Member

I would actually stay away from Brain Lock, as that's the most controversial among experts. I would recommend Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Jonathan Grayson.

Mon Feb 13 2012 15:03:47 #
KittyCat1989
Member

I have a book called "understanding obsessions and compulsions" by Dr Frank Tallis that my doctor recommended for me.
Cat x

Mon Feb 13 2012 21:55:55 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone and welcome brum to the forums. A book I've tried is Overcoming obsessive compulsive disorder, by David Veale and Rob Willson.
Wannabe

Thu Feb 16 2012 22:13:30 #
Brum218
Member

Hi Guys

I practiced what I had said previously about exposing and being the best partner ever, and it was hard. My girlfriend had been away and I went and met her as a surprise from the airport. I was so excited, and almost shaking, I felt the good feelings coming back. As soon as I saw her I was prepared for the anxiety and thoughts, but they actually took a few hours to come back.

We are already engaged and this week we set a date for the wedding and I felt so happy and there were no thoughts, I felt this overwhelming love for her. I even nearly forgot to take my medication, as I didn't feel bad at all. This lasted for 2 days and they were amazing, I felt so in love with her. No anxiety - just excitment.

But then on Saturday the thoughts just started again. I sometimes feel like I should just break up with her, I know I want to be with her forever. I don't want anyone else and I don't want to be single. I just want her. And if I did break up with her I would be able to give no rational reason. The only reason would be the anxiety and thoughts which are ruining the time I spend with her.

I saw a counsellor the other day - not to do with ocd. And he said that it could be that I unable to accept unconditional love (due to being adopted), and that I am frightened, and that ending it would just be a self fulfilling prophecy.

Why was I so happy and then the thoughts came flooding back. It is so frustrating. I feel like a liar and a fraud.

Mon Feb 20 2012 9:47:37 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there. Yes, it could well be a difficulty with accepting unconditional love. How we are treated in our developing years, can affect us into adulthood. Maybe if love was given or withdrawn according the whims of others who were important to us. Adoption is a tricky subject, because for that to happen, you have been rejected by the most important persons in your life, and that will have left an unconscious scar all through to today. This isn't your fault, but I guess you will still question the reasons for your natural parents giving you up for adoption in the first place. Learning to trust that others love us for who we are is difficult, but an okay thing to do. The OCD might be trying to make you think that you don't deserve your fiancees love, but the thing is, you fiancee thinks you are worth it, and you are, let her be the best judge of that. Think on these lines and see if perspectives change. Cos people with OCD are in my opinion, some of the most caring on earth... It doesn't happen in all cases, but in yours, allow your fiancee to make things happen, and enjoy the experience maybe?
Wannabe

Mon Feb 20 2012 20:20:25 #