OCD Action

Unregistered

Hi, I'm new to this site and I must say you sound like a very intelligent bunch! I'm curious to know whether anyone has ever been plagued by past mistakes that have mysteriously come back to haunt them? Since I've been pregnant (now 7 and a half months)my conscience seems to have gone into overdrive. It's as if I've picked up my memory box and given it a good shake but it's only the bad stuff that falls out.
I went to the docs on Friday who was very nice and reassuring that I wasn't going mad. She gave me a booklet on OCD. The symptoms do seem to chime with my thought processes. Although I could see I was obsessive I didn't think I had compulsions but now I can see that my constant need for reassurance from (very patient!)loved ones are actually the compulsions.
I won't go into all the obsessions but they all involve harm I fear I may have caused to others by accident. The first was when I was staying in someone's house on a painting trip, quite a grand house, they were on holiday. I accidentally left the freezer door open and some food defrosted a bit. I owned up to the mistake and threw away whatever looked dodgy but still couldn't let go the thought that I could poison the entire family. I got over it eventually with much reassurance from my sister and boyfriend and notes to self on post-it notes! This seems to have started a pattern that has me hunting for possible 'crimes' stretching far into my past. The latest one happened 10 years ago!! My boyfriend and I were driving back from a family holiday in Ireland and stopped for petrol. I noticed a missing person photo and for a split second thought I may have seen the girl in the photo but it was only when we were back on the road that it dawned on me that I should maybe have done something (it all happened very fast). I felt a bit guilty and so when I got back told my mum to look out for the posters when she was travelling and then I just forgot about it...until now! So of course now I'm thinking what if she was murdered just because I failed to report it, unlikely I know but the horrible feeling is that nagging doubt..."What if..."
Is it strange to obsess about long ago events in this painful way? I've stopped asking for reassurance from my loved ones (much to their relief!) and am trying to accept the thoughts as simply thoughts, this helps. I'm going back to the docs on Friday and hoping I can get some CBT.
Sorry for going on so long!

Tue Jan 26 2010 11:18:19 #
Unregistered

Hi Sarah
Firstly welcome to the forum. I can't say much to help you because my OCD is contamination and not obsessive thoughts but I know that you are very far from alone in what you are experiencing. You are doing the right thing in accepting that the thoughts are no more than that - just thoughts - and they cannot harm anyone except yourself. When they come try to think of something else, busy yourself with something that you enjoy that will concentrate your mind, read, listen to music - anything which helps distract you from the thoughts.
I developed my OCD when I was pregnant, that was 40 years ago when OCD was barely recognised and there were no effective treatments, but I have always thought that the hormones during pregnacy and childbirth have something to do with it so my advice is to really look after yourself at this stage in your pregnancy. Eat a good diet and get all the sleep you need and relax as much as you can. Also look after your fitness so that you have every possibility of having an easy birth.
You are doing the sensible thing in going to your doctor and very best of luck, Joyce

Tue Jan 26 2010 11:45:13 #
stevieb
Member

Hello Sarah, and welcome to the forum, you have come to the right place.

Yes, that is certainly OCD which you are suffering with, and I have experienced similar obsessions over past events, only some of the things I thought I'd done were actually fake, were down to OCD playing tricks with my mind. Like when I was about 13, I became convinced that I'd stolen sweets from a shop about three or four years before.

This plagued me for weeks, and I thought that I could still get caught for it, sent to court, and then would end up in a home, and wouldn't see my parents for a long time. This once reduced me to tears, as such a thought terrified me. Of course I didn't steal anything from a shop, I would never have dared, and certainly wouldn't have forgotten about it if I had. There would have been no 'Did I really do that? What if I did?' With time, I realized this, but it was a horrible time for me.

I understand about the fear of harming or poisoning people part as well, I used to get that one when I worked as a food delivery driver during that sweltering summer of 2006. Like if I delivered meat to a mother who I could see had young children, and the fridge in the back of the van hadn't been working sufficiently, or if I knew the meat had been out of refrigeration for a few extra minutes at the store, then I'd have to warn the mother to check that it was alright first.

As for your story with the missing girl poster, it may have been a trick of the mind that you thought she looked familiar. But even if you had rang the number and said that you thought you'd seen her, you obviously wouldn't have been able to say where or when if it was just a fleeting moment of recognition.
I think a lot of people would not have stopped and made the call in your situation, as it was only a brief moment that the person in the missing persons photo was familiar to them.

So do you still have the same worries, Sarah?

Anyway, I would say more, but I have to dash off to work. And don't worry, you can talk for as long as you like, we're all here to listen and help.

Will chat again soon. Take care.

Steve x

Tue Jan 26 2010 11:45:33 #
Truddles
Member

Hi SarahL,

I'm busy trying to control my OCD this morning so will have to be brief now but I will speak to you later, but I wanted to welcome you to the forum.
Best wishes
Trudy

Tue Jan 26 2010 11:47:04 #
OCDLONELY
Member

Hi Sarah

Welcome to the site. I'm glad you have recently seen your doctor and have been given some reassurance about all the you are going through. I have been haunted by my past like you. For me it was mainly to do with things I may have done or things I came into contact with that could of caused me harm especially disease wise. The thing is I could look back 15 years or more and remember situations but they would always be negative memories that bring about anxiety for me. I couldn't possibly recall every little detail and this only caused more anxiety. I would go see my doctor several times a week and when I had been reassured about one fear I would remember another. It was so exhausting. I don't want to cause you any more anxiety though and all of this for me did eventually pass as I hope it will for you. I just wanted you to know you are not alone with this and I'm sure many others here have had similar anxieties. Good luck with your pregnancy. I wish you all the best!

Daniel

Tue Jan 26 2010 11:51:33 #
Unregistered

Welcome, Sarah.

I think what you are experiencing is very common. I had a friend who would recall events that had occurred thirty of forty years ago. In fact, when he was dying of cancer all he spoke about was his ‘list’. He wanted others to try to help him put right things he had done (or not done). One deep concern was a nail he dropped while repairing a fence, forty years earlier. He was panicking that a person or animal would die of tetanus from it. The staff at the hospice he was in were moved to tears, realizing the pain of his cancer bothered him less than his tortured mind.

I have flashbacks to events and break out in a sweat over them. They may be embarrassing things I’ve done or said or they may be related to my contamination fears. I often panic about things that happened in the house many years ago, which I now feel have made furniture etc contaminated.

Pregnancy is a tough time for anyone with OCD. It’s good you are receiving a great deal of support. Hopefully you’ll receive a lot here, too.

Best wishes,
Tricia.

Tue Jan 26 2010 13:12:42 #
Unregistered

Thank you so much to everyone for your thoughtful replies. It helps a lot to know I'm not the only one who obsesses about stuff from years ago and to hear from people who understand the nature of obsessions (my friends/family don't really). The worst part is that the worry all seems so unnecessary and misplaced and has stopped me fully enjoying the pregnancy.

In answer to your question Stevie, my obsession about the girl is still there and pops up a lot although it isn't scaring me quite as much. I really want to believe your rational view-point and let this one go, I can see my mind may have been playing tricks and it is such a long time ago I can barely remember it. But I should've said that it was on the road that day that I thought I saw her so perhaps I could've helped (probably unlikely)?...now I'm obsessing again! I think it's uncertainty that scares me the most.

I seem to be capable of holding just one obsession in my head at a time and often one will displace another. From the perspective of the new obsession the last one appears totally daft. For instance, over Christmas I worried about a woman I had bumped into at the theatre as I rushed to the loo. I stopped to ask if she was OK and she replied curtly "no, not really!" and I just apologised and dashed off (I was bursting). This happened 3 years ago! For some reason I became terribly worried that I may have seriously hurt her, mainly because of her rude reply which I suddenly decided to take literally. I realise now it's ridiculous but this occupied my mind for several weeks.

Thanks again for all your kind wishes, OCD is a lot to cope with on top of the terrible heartburn,
Sarah.

Tue Jan 26 2010 19:23:09 #