OCD Action

moi
Member

Heya everybody,

I would like to start by saying I'm happy to have found this website. In my country (the Netherlands) there is also a support site, but it is currently off air and I just HAVE to talk about my current situation with people who understand. So, I hope somebody will be able to give me some good advice.

My story in short so far: I've been suffering from OCD for many years (I'm 21 years old) and have been diagnosed some 7 years ago and have been in therapy for 4 years, including medication. (I've been off the meds for over 3 years) This all happened quite some time ago and I thought I had it all under control, I thought I had finally found a way to cope. Unfortunately, yesterday, when I was watching a television programme that deals with young people with a serious illness or disorder, the topic was OCD.

It suddenly hit me, * Oh my God, I'm just repressing it, I'm not dealing with anything, that's why I'm so depressed, paranoid and stressed!*
I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I talked about it with my boyfriend, whom I live with, and he desperately tries to understand, but I can feel he really doesn't, which adds to the inner chaos of emotions.

I'm at a loss right now. I'm afraid that if I do anything at all, I'll start again and I won't be able to stop anymore. In my case, the OCD was pretty severe and when the therapists decided they wanted to have me committed to a 12 month clinical therapy, which would exclude me from the whole world, I in turn decided I had to improve very quickly in order to prevent that from happening, I succeeded and started to live again, but did I really? I don't know.

Should I allow myself to start doing the compulsions again, to create some room in my head to deal with the situation?
Or should I seek help again? Or should I prevent myself from giving in?
I'm so stressed right now, I just want to cry and I don't want to do anything. I'm so afraid it will come back in all its horror and rob me again of a decent life and a chance at developping myself, as I wish to.
Can anybody help me?

thanks

the dutch patient

Mon Mar 29 2010 17:02:37 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Moi -

welcome to the forum. Your story is an interesting one, inasmuch as it seems to be a bit atypical to me. You are young, and at 14 you got diagnosed with OCD, and then 4 years of therapy followed. Then you were 'free' for 3 years; and a TV programme caused you to doubt it all.

Of course I don't know anything about you, apart from your post. I have some questions:

- which type of OCD did you have, and are so afraid of that it will return?

- did you have cognitive behavioural therapy, or another form of therapy?

- (most of all:) how did you cope in the three years 'without anything'? Was there a fear in you that the disorder might rear its head again sometime in the future? Or were you completely spontaneous, and didn't even think of OCD in that time?

Oh, don't ever feel obliged to answer the questions. You are important, much more important that that stupid but vexing disorder. Should you wish to PM me about my questions, please do so. I asked them to make conversation easier, that's all.

I admire your courage. At your age it must be hard to 'open yourself' about such an affliction, perhaps harder than it is for older folks. At 21 one is searching to present oneself to the world, and pursue life plans and hobbies with zest. Then it's sad that there is this 'monkey on one's back', so to speak.

(en ik kan je vertellen dat ik eveneens Hollander ben. Dat maakt het communiceren misschien wat makkelijker. Als je het op prijs stelt, kunnen we ook in het Nederlands PM's uitwisselen. Je Engels is trouwens voortreffelijk!).

Ciao, kind regards,

Cuthbert.

Mon Mar 29 2010 17:23:52 #
Blueskies
Member

Hello Moi, and welcome to forum.

It sounds as if overidentifying is the cultprit here. You have done incredibly well to recover from your OCD and 3 years is very good. Sometimes, watching a programme that reminds you of your own condition can have a negative affect and can make you doubt your own recovery. It sounds just like you said, a scare. The programme acted as a trigger because you could identify with it, but that is all. We can identify with something without re living or thinking it's all going to start again.

Or another way to look at a trigger, is to recognise you once had that condition, and now your doing really well, whilst appreciating it was not an easy journey. There will always be another programme about OCD, or you could read it in a mag, or hear it on a radio. The more your open to it, and know that others will talk about it, the less you will over identify with it and just accept you had this condition and you have a understandng of it.

All the best Pam

Mon Mar 29 2010 18:49:26 #
moi
Member

heya Cuthbert and others,

I sent Cuthbert a PM (or attempted to :wink:), but I would like to answer your questions again on the open forum.

In the short version which I posted on the open forum, I naturally didn't make it too elaborate in order to ensure people wouldn't be scared off by a huge post.

To explain myself clearly though briefly:

I was diagnosed with OCD at 14. I have had cognitive behavioural therapy aswell as exposure response prevention therapy and EMDR, whilst being (heavily) medicated.

As to the types of things I did: cleaning, checking, counting, need for symmetry, hoarding, praying (I'm not even religious) and repeating things (phrases and mirror behaviour of others).

When I hit rockbottom I could hardly leave the house, my bedroom even and couldn't bear being touched by anybody. I couldn't even sit on the couch, because my parents had sat on it with the same clothes they had worn on the outside, contaminated clothes in my eyes. So it has been very severe upon me.

But the frightening future that was at the time shown to me, made me more determined than ever to 'learn to deal with it and not have it controll my life'. And I somehow succeeded to delude myself into thinking I had it all figured out, how to live a relatively normal life with it.

But it was still there, every morning, the fear that it would consume me again. And all the stress I have been experiencing lately is just the chaos escaping from behind the door I had bolted and secured so well. I was constantly busy with my OCD, I just didn't do the action. I made sure not to allow any compulsion. I see it as constantly being in therapy, I guess that's a way to describe it. I was busy telling myself: YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHECK THE DOOR AGAIN, and so I didn't (not physically, but in my head I kept picturing the door: closed, and repeating it inside my head: it is closed it is closed it is closed, etc.).

I realise this now and that's what scares me so. I am not living with it, I just found another way to do it and tell myself I was dealing with it just fine.

I am at a crossroad in my life right now and I just NEED to make the right decisions now. Either I conquer this, really learn to deal with it and will be able to go to college, get a job and establish myself as a valuable member of society or I get a horrible relapse and slide away slowly in social isolation, relying on financial support not being able to leave my house.

I've hit rockbottom so many times in one way or another, but I will NEVER allow myself to give in. I will keep fighting it. But I have to take the pressure off aswell, not make it such a huge deal. There's a sentence, a quote I like to keep in mind at a time like this. Sometimes it actually helps.

"Dans toutes les larmes s'attarde un espoir." - Simone de Beauvoir.

Ciao,

the dutch patient

Mon Mar 29 2010 19:43:41 #
Rena32
Member

Hi Moi, I am sorry that you are so stressed, it is very common to feel that way with OCD, to shed some light on your situation, first know that you are not alone in this, you have kind people on this forum who are willing to offer support and to help with your symptoms. I applaud you for opening up and posting on the forum, that is a good first step, it helps so much to be able to let it all out, when you are going through so much turmoil. When you were on medication in the past, did it help? If so, maybe you should ask the doctor to prescribe it again. It may help you to be able to have a better coping mechanism, so you can better deal with the symptoms at hand. What about books, have you read any self help books about OCD? There are some good ones available and that may help. I do hope that you will feel better very soon. Just remember that this is the OCD bringing on your fears, and that these symptoms will improve soon. I hope you keep us all posted on how you are doing, and also we look forward to your posts.

Tue Mar 30 2010 3:13:18 #