OCD Action

Slappy
Member

I posted this to another forums days ago, with no help at all, so I'm wondering what you guys think:
I am 15 years old and am pretty sure I have POCD.I've always liked playing with kids and whatnot. I found them to be cute in the way that someone might find a pet to be cute. But a few years ago, I started fearing. When I first started I was so scared. I even cried about it because of how digusted I was about myself. I thought I was one of those people (even the word itself disgusts me). I always told myself that I could never do anything to hurt a child.
And while I just told myself to stop thinking about it, it still lingered in my mind sometimes whenI would go into situations involving children. "Oh my god. What if I do something? I could never do something like that! I'm not even attracted to them! What if I am?"
This was until I started realizing that it wasn't an attraction, but a fear. "I don't get it. I'm never attracted when I'm not having this anxiety. Wouldn't one of them have it all the time?"

I finally found out about Pure-O about a month ago and my fears were lessened a lot. While the symptoms matched mine almost to a T, over time I've started thinking about a pretty terrible thing I did when I was six and the time I masturbated in a school bathroom shortly after discovering masturbation. I have felt extreme guilt and shame about these things for years and am thinking that those might be signs that I truly am messed up and that it's not POCD.

I have taken multiple Pure-O tests and the results show me that I have a high to moderate chance of having it, but how can I be sure? I can't talk to anyone about this. Not my parents or doctor. We don't have money to get me help.
I am so afraid right now. I have never ever felt such disgust with myself, and it's at the worst possible time, too.

My cousin (who is like a sister to me) is soon having a baby. Everyone's talking about the baby and asking me about how I feel about it. It's really scary for me, and even though I've read that people with Pure-O don't act on fears because they avoid the things they fear, I can't avoid things because they are in my life.
I spend almost my entire day having these doubts.
Please, please help me understand if this really is Pure-O OCD. I am so goddamned paranoid about this, you have no idea.

Thank you, god bless.

Tue 3 Apr 2012 23:30 #
Mike
Blocked

Slappy,

First off, I want to ask you to read over your post and look at the recurring theme: wanting to be certain. There is not a doubt in my mind that you have OCD. OCD is a disease of wanting to be certain that a particular feared consequence will not, or has not, happened. The disease is so vicious, however, because no matter what evidence you try to present to prove that your fear is unfounded, your mind will always come up with another "what if?" And then you'll try to disprove that "what if?", until another one takes its place. This is the basic cycle of OCD. So yes, just based on your post I would say you definitely have OCD (although there is no such thing as "Pure O", since every one with OCD has compulsions).

What you really need is the means to get help for this problem. The best treatment for OCD is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), especially a form of behavioral therapy called exposure and response prevention (ERP). Ideally you would find a therapist who uses these techniques, and perhaps also visit a psychiatrist to see if medications help, but I would try the therapy first. It's been shown to be just as effective, if not more so, than medication, and obviously without the side effects that medications come with.

If you can't find a doctor or therapist then I would recommend reading a self-help book about OCD, most of which can be found on Amazon. Many members here have read lots of them, and I'm sure they will have lots of recommendations. My favorite is "Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" by Jonathan Grayson. Many people like "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey Schwartz, although his methods differ from what most experts recommend, and thus is the most controversial amoung experts.

The thing that you have to understand about OCD is that it all comes from inability to cope with uncertainty. It is impossible to prove anything 100%, especially for people with OCD, because they will always come up with a new doubt. People without OCD don't feel the need to prove things 100% - for example, they wouldn't try to prove that they aren't a pedophile, because unless there was evidence to suggest that they were, they wouldn't worry about it. This is your goal as someone living with OCD - to learn to cope with and accept uncertainty. You even started obsessing about whether or not you have OCD or something "worse" - this is just another obsession, and another uncertainty that you can't cope with right now. ERP therapy trains you to cope better with uncertainty, so that it doesn't scare you so much.

The rationale for learning to live with uncertainty is that we have no choice. Think about all the uncertainties you live with every day, with no problems and no anxiety. You risk your life every time you get in a car or plane. You have no proof that you will not develop a terrible disease. You have no proof that your loved ones are safe at any given moment, unless you are talking to them at that very moment. You go to sleep every night knowing very well that any number of horrible things could be happening to everyone you know, yet you don't think twice about it. This is because you can cope well with all these uncertainties, just like people without OCD.

But since you have OCD, there is one particular uncertainty that you can't cope well with - having inappropriate feelings towards children. Thus, your goal should be to learn to tolerate that uncertainty the same way you tolerate all other uncertainties, and ERP therapy is the best way to achieve this.

For now, my advice for you to help you overcome this anxiety would be to immediately stop doing any compulsions/rituals/reassurance seeking behaviors, such as trying to prove that you have OCD, trying to prove that you're not a pedophile, analyzing past situations in your head to figure out exactly what happened. Every time you engage in these behaviors the OCD gets stronger, and every time you refuse to engage in them, no matter how anxious it makes you, the OCD will get weaker.

-Mike

Wed 4 Apr 2012 0:57 #
slogsweep
Member

Agreed with Mike I've no doubt you've got OCD, the constant theme of needing certainty runs through your post.
Also, OCD tends to attack moments of real change in your life, in my case for example, leaving university and all the uncertainties that throws up, in your case I'd hazard a guess at the baby coming into your family being the "change trigger".
I'm a big fan of Brain Lock and so was my therapist who was absolutely fantastic. Most OCD books are inexpensive (under £8, most can be found for £4-5) and really, really help when you're at your most scared. Ordering the books through OCD action means you pay normal Amazon prices but with a charitable donation towards the charity too!

Definetly start with some OCD books, read them in a nice, relaxing environment and don't be too hard on yourself. Try taking a lighter touch through life else it's like wading through treacle. Medication may be a good idea. At your age, and assuming you're from the UK you'll more than likely be put on 20mgs of Fluoxetine (1 tablet daily) and trialled for a few weeks. After this point your dose might be adjusted. After a couple of months you'll start to see real improvement and a light at the end of OCD's dark tunnel.

Message me if you want to talk further. I had an episode at your age and can remember it well.

Best of luck,
Slog

Wed 4 Apr 2012 11:15 #
leighmcgivern
Member

Hi slappy

You poor thing, you most defineatly 100% have OCD and the type of fears your experiancing are very very common. I exeperiance these fears and it did start when i was younger. You must go get some help you will need medication along with some therapy. This site is a true god send so saty on here and read past poss, type your fears into the search engine on here and you will see lots of post regarding this type of OCD. As slogsweep said books are good id recommend the imp of the mind by Lee Baer, this book focues on this types of unwanted intrusive thoughts.

Please get the help you need your young and can get this under control and be happy.

Leigh

Wed 4 Apr 2012 12:44 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone, Hi Slappy welcome to the forums. I've nothing to add to what has been said, save that one book I've had is 'Overcoming Obsessive disorder' by David Veale and Rob Willson. If you are very short of money, it is possible to get books through amazon maket place, too, or even ask to get books through your local library. It isn't easy, but OCD can be got down to a level where it doesn't wreck your happiness anymore. To save me looking and losing this message, what part of the world do you live in?
Wannabe

Wed 4 Apr 2012 21:24 #
slogsweep
Member

Yes Wannabe is right, I read that book "Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" by David Veale via a medical book prescription. I just popped along to the local library with a little sheet of paper and I had two books on extended loan. It's not a bad place to start if you are short on cash or have other things to buy.

It isn't easy, but OCD can be got down to a level where it doesn't wreck your happiness anymore

Amen Wannabe. You can get there too Slappy

Wed 4 Apr 2012 21:41 #
chaschas
Member

Hi Slappy, and everyone else

Trust me matey you're not alone - many of us on here have experienced the type of intrusive thoughts you're experiencing right now (me included)- they plagued me thru my teenage years. But you have already made the first step - you have opened up to us about it. I haven't read any books on OCD but I will definitely look to try the ones Slogsweep, Leigh, and Wannabe have mentioned and I think the books would be good for you to read too What Mike has said is spot on about how OCD affects an individual. And same with Slogsweep's post - changes tend to lead to OCD launching an attack..mine always goes thru the roof when I move house-but it won't stop me from moving if I want to!

Hope to hear from you again soon Slappy

Night All,

Chas xx

Wed 4 Apr 2012 22:34 #
Slappy
Member

Thanks guys. I actually told my mother about it shortly after posting this thread. I have an appointment for help on friday.

But now, I'm thinking back to a maybe 5-6 months ago, I went to my Dad's friend's house, and there was this girl who was maybe ten. I'm thinking back wondering, "Did I find her attractive? Oh my god, what if I did? My god, did I?" I seem to remember looking at her, feeling kind of uncomfortable, and just brushing off the thoughts. Was I attracted to her in that situation? Did I realize it and think that's disgusting and stop? For example, I was watching a commercial yesterday, and a little girl was in it. I found myself asking "Am I attracted to her? What if I am? Oh god, am I?"

Basically, I'm really worried and am wondering if OCD can deceive you into thinking something that you're afraid of thinking? Can it make you feel something that you don't really feel? I'm so scared and am really disgusted right now. I keep thinking I am one, but I'm so disgusted with that and terrified that that truly is what I am. I don't know what's real anymore.

Would really like some insight from you guys.

Thanks for all the support, you guys.

Thu 5 Apr 2012 21:02 #
leighmcgivern
Member

Hi Slappy

I am so pleased you have told your mum thats such a big step. I can fully relate to what your going through i have gone through exactly the same thoughts. OCD will always make you think the thoughts that frighten you the most thats how it thrives.The fact that your scared and disgusted is proof enough that you are NOT the bad person you are imagining you are. You will feel things that are not realthats the power of the mind, its like for example reading about symptoms of an illness in abook and convincing your selfthat you have the illness, you will eventually start feeling the symptons even though you do not have the illness. Its the same with OCD.
Im sure you will be given some medication on Friday and probably be refered for some therapy. The medication will take a couple of weeks to start working but in the meantime use this site, show your mum this site too, read as much as you can about this type of ocd it will reassure you until you reach the point where you can manage your thoughts.

Stay strong you are not alone

Leigh

Thu 5 Apr 2012 21:52 #
Mike
Blocked

Slappy,

Yes, OCD can make you think you feel things that you don't. The key is that every time you get one of those "what if?" questions in your head that cause anxiety, DO NOT do any rituals or reassurance seeking to try to prove that their wrong. Just let the thoughts be there, and they will lose strength.

Mike

Thu 5 Apr 2012 22:44 #
BT
Member

I don’t write this to discourage anyone. However, I have not experienced a reduction in intrusive thoughts by ignoring them. The only reason I say this, is because I know people who are the same as me and the tendency is to panic, believing we must be what we feared, otherwise the thoughts would have lost strength. For many with OCD this will occur, but alas not for all. Just remember that whatever your reaction, when you try various techniques, it’s still OCD!

Fri 6 Apr 2012 12:51 #
BT
Member

P.S. This thread may be helpful:

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/intrusive-sexual-thoughts-and-false-memories#post-40974

Fri 6 Apr 2012 12:52 #
Mike
Blocked

BT - Do you also not find that response prevention works? That's actually what I meant by ignoring them - letting them be there and not doing any compulsions.

Fri 6 Apr 2012 16:09 #
BT
Member

Yes, Mike, I realised what you meant by 'ignoring them' - no, response prevention doesn't work for me.

Fri 6 Apr 2012 16:47 #
Mike
Blocked

Even if you couple it with exposure? I guess, unfortunately, you're in the 15%...

Fri 6 Apr 2012 22:28 #
Slappy
Member

So I met with the doctor and she said that it sounds like I have either OCD or Anxiety Disorder. She put me on some sleep medication just for now to get me to sleep better. My mom has a phone interview on Monday for a therapy place.

I felt alright until today, when I saw a commercial that had this girl on it. I thought she was cute, but am wondering now, am I attracted? I looked up info and she is 11. It makes me feel disgusted that the thought even crossed my mind and now I'm wondering if that makes me a bad person, or is it part of normal thinking or something else.

I'm still pretty scared. What if I am attracted and therapy fails? I'm very scared.

Mon 9 Apr 2012 2:33 #
leighmcgivern
Member

hi slappy you are scared , distressed and disgusted by these thoughts because they do not represent the kind of person you are and just your OCD. It thrives on what scares you the most You are not a bad person your reaction to these thoughts makes you a good person you are experincing a very common form of ocd.will responed to the medication soon and i hope you get the therapy quickley

Take care

Leigh

Mon 9 Apr 2012 10:36 #
leighmcgivern
Member

sorry the begining of my post is missing i will try again!!

Mon 9 Apr 2012 10:38 #
leighmcgivern
Member

hi i didnt realise i could edit i have corrected my original post! sorry about the confusion

Mon 9 Apr 2012 10:44 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Slappy,

There's nothing wrong with thinking that she looked cute and there's nothing wrong with feeling an attraction as these are only thoughts, thoughts that everyone gets. It doesn't make you a bad person for having them, if it did then that makes us all bad and we're not. So don't beat yourself up for having them.

Remember it's our reaction to these thoughts that's the problem not the thoughts themselves.

I can understand why you're scared especially as you're at an age where you're only just starting to understand yourself. Therapy will be able to help you to move forwards and learn how to deal with these thoughts that cause you such anxiety. But you need to go with a positive attitude rather than thinking that it will fail or you won't be able to make the most of the therapy on offer.

Good luck with the therapy

Mon 9 Apr 2012 10:52 #
Slappy
Member

Well I'm feeling Pretty terrible right now.

A while a go when my thoughts were at their worst, the thought passed my mind that maybe something would happen so that I wouldn't have to be around my cousin's baby. You know, like the baby being adopted or even worse... a miscarriage. I thought that was a terrible thing to think and stopped.

Now, on Friday The 13th, we found out that she'd miscarried. I feel so terrible right now. I feel like because I thought it for a second, that I basically willed it to happen. I feel like a sick person because for a second I wished something terrible would happen, and now it has happened. I'm thinking "did I make this happen? How could I have done that?" I just feel so bad right now.

Sat 14 Apr 2012 4:06 #
Tess
Member

Hi Slappy
I think we all think these sort of thoughts when something threatens our OCD stability - it's like scenarios which would reduce our fears crossing our minds. But allowing your mind to focus on what a terrible person you think that might make you is just looking inwards and making things worse for yourself. The best way of dealing with it is to challenge the thoughts by trying to look outwards. Your cousin will be feeling very sad right now and maybe quite alone and perhaps there is something you could do to help make her feel a bit better. Just letting her know you care and that you are there for her if she wants to talk about her loss can be very helpful and it will help you too to get your own thoughts into better perspective.

Sat 14 Apr 2012 12:32 #
chaschas
Member

Hi Slappy

"Magical thinking" as its called, is part of the OCD spectrum. Magical thinking in the sense that just by a thought, the OCD sufferer thinks that the reality of the thought can materialise. Miscarriage is horrible, trust me I know. But I have come to understand in my own mind that it's one of those horrible things that happen for a number of biological reasons. It wasn't because you thought of it so please don't think it was your fault in any way because it certainly wasn't. Tess's idea is a good one - being there for your cousin and letting her know you care is something that is worth doing...

Chas

Sun 15 Apr 2012 20:25 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Chas, Hi Slappy, I agree... A miscarriage is a terrible thing to happen, it just happens... No reason... In fact, when we look at some of the science it is amazing that anyone gets born okay at all... We have always remembered our miscarriage, naming the lost one Kim, because we never knew whether we had girl or boy. It is a grief thing, the child was real and has now passed away, so there is a period of mourning to go through. But there is no way you could have influenced the life of a baby in someone elses body, it just isn't possible. I'm sorry I'm pushing reassurance here, and I shouldn't be, cos no matter what anyone says, the OCD in our heads overides everything and spoils our lives... Being there for your cousin is definitely part of the healing process, as they heal, you will too... All the best wishes in the world to you with this... It is a time of healing now... It is horrible that reassurance doesn't really work with OCD, but I can't help giving it anyway. You are special, and worth it, so do try to rest a little from the feelings, things just have to come right somehow. I too sure wish it was easier.
Wannabe

Sun 15 Apr 2012 21:03 #
Slappy
Member

Things have gotten much worse.

It started at shcool. We are reading the book "Night" by Ellie Weisel. We were watching videos about the holocaust, and all of a sudden, I started thinking "I should draw a Nazi." I immediately felt terrible. Those are horrible people. How could I think that? "I must be a Nazi sympathizer. Or just a racist in general." I thought. My whole day was pretty terrible throughout, as I was just getting more and more scared that I was racist.Later, when I found out some people do have racism OCD, I felt a little better.

Then, much time later, I had a dream that I was masturbating behind a family member. That was pretty terrifying and I thought "Oh my god, am I into incest? That's disgusting!" That made me remember watching a Dateline type program that showed a man who killed a family member, decapitated them, and performed sexual acts with it. I thought "What if that's me?" and I was worried. Less so about the incest in general.

But yesterday, we were watching more videos about the holocaust in school, and I was thinking "Is it really all that disturbing? Do I really think it's that terrible?" and soon after, a man recalled his little sister, wearing a red coat as she was taken to be killed. '

They showed a picture of her and I immediatley asked myself a mental question. "Would I 'eff' her?" and almost immediatley the thought popped into my head that I do.Thinking back, that was a horrible, disgusting, sickening way to ask that question. She is only a little girl. How could I ask that specific question? Why did my brain tell me I did when I clearly do not want to? Is this a sign that I really am attracted to them? Is it really an attraction, and I've just tricked myself into thinking I have OCD, or do I really have OCD?

I've been extremley depressed in the past few weeks, and today has probably one of the worst days. I keep doubting myself and wondering if I really do have it or not.

Can any of you guys/girls help me understand if what I'm thinking is really OCD, or is it the terrible other thing?

Sat 28 Apr 2012 19:01 #
aishah
Member

Hi Slappy,

Sorry you are going through it at the moment. I completely understand how you feel as the thoughts seem so powerful and real at the time.

I have survived several severe episodes of intrusive thoughts over the years and still struggle sometimes, but with medication and CBT they don't bother me as much as they used to.

I'm glad you have started to get help as it will certainly help you.

Best Wishes

Bridget

Sat 28 Apr 2012 19:25 #
Slappy
Member

I just feel like that fact that I used the "F" word while asking and answering the question was really disgusting and horrible. How could I have ever thought that? Why did I do it? It's so inappropriate and disgusting.

Sat 28 Apr 2012 20:11 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slappy, this is typical of OCD... It plays on our worst fears, and on our feelings that we should be perfect... As if we could... The mind is a very complex thing, and the intrusive thoughts seem to come from nowhere... I think it plays at our insecurities, but also our values... You obviously have strong moral values, which are now being attacked by intrusive thoughts...It isn't easy is it? People use the F word all the time where I am, it is as part of the language now, on TV, in movies, everywhere... And if you have high moral values, this can be extremely distressing... But it is merely slang, and is sometimes needed to get the point across, especially when we feel so strongly about anything... So please try not to feel awful about it... You are a valid, special person, in ways not realised yet, and in time you'll grow to love yourself more... I remember being shown stuff at school which badly upset me, and still haunts me today, I don't know how they think it is educational, it is more like shock therapy...
Wannabe

Sun 29 Apr 2012 12:16 #
Slappy
Member

I was thinking back today, and am remembering something I did that seems pretty weird and creepy. Either last year, or the year before, I went on the random anonymous chat site Omegle. What I did was pretend I was a little kid, get someone to say some things that we're explicit, and then tell them that they will be arrested and are going to rot in jail, or something close to that. Now I'm thinking, why would I do that? No normal person would do that, so obviously I'm not normal. I just don't know what I was thinking. I was looking to make the people who did say bad things feel bad and scared, but that still was a very weird thing to do. Please help.

Thu 17 May 2012 6:19 #
Tess
Member

Hi Slappy
Good to hear from you. What you did was just something a lot of people would like to do and some probably do and it's no big deal. It doesn't mean you're not normal, it just means you are anti all the things these chat sites encourage. Everyone pushes the boundaries when they are growing up but most keep it to themselves except for OCD sufferers who feel a need to confess, my advice is to try to forget about it, just accept it as part of being a teenager.
Here are some weird things I've done, and I'm no teenager - I phoned a hospital mortuary to ask about what happens in post mortems and I rang a helicopter company to see if they are able to transport a coffin - now that is really OTT. But I was only trying to settle my own mind and put worries about the future to bed. You were just trying to do something positive to stop criminal activity. Just two different ways of trying to deal with worrying thoughts.

Thu 17 May 2012 10:38 #