I posted this to another forums days ago, with no help at all, so I'm wondering what you guys think:
I am 15 years old and am pretty sure I have POCD.I've always liked playing with kids and whatnot. I found them to be cute in the way that someone might find a pet to be cute. But a few years ago, I started fearing. When I first started I was so scared. I even cried about it because of how digusted I was about myself. I thought I was one of those people (even the word itself disgusts me). I always told myself that I could never do anything to hurt a child.
And while I just told myself to stop thinking about it, it still lingered in my mind sometimes whenI would go into situations involving children. "Oh my god. What if I do something? I could never do something like that! I'm not even attracted to them! What if I am?"
This was until I started realizing that it wasn't an attraction, but a fear. "I don't get it. I'm never attracted when I'm not having this anxiety. Wouldn't one of them have it all the time?"
I finally found out about Pure-O about a month ago and my fears were lessened a lot. While the symptoms matched mine almost to a T, over time I've started thinking about a pretty terrible thing I did when I was six and the time I masturbated in a school bathroom shortly after discovering masturbation. I have felt extreme guilt and shame about these things for years and am thinking that those might be signs that I truly am messed up and that it's not POCD.
I have taken multiple Pure-O tests and the results show me that I have a high to moderate chance of having it, but how can I be sure? I can't talk to anyone about this. Not my parents or doctor. We don't have money to get me help.
I am so afraid right now. I have never ever felt such disgust with myself, and it's at the worst possible time, too.
My cousin (who is like a sister to me) is soon having a baby. Everyone's talking about the baby and asking me about how I feel about it. It's really scary for me, and even though I've read that people with Pure-O don't act on fears because they avoid the things they fear, I can't avoid things because they are in my life.
I spend almost my entire day having these doubts.
Please, please help me understand if this really is Pure-O OCD. I am so goddamned paranoid about this, you have no idea.
Thank you, god bless.