OCD Action

Wings
Member

Hi everyone, I found a point from my CBT I found interesting on Wed night, my therapist tries to get to the bottom of my OCD and gives me techniques to try and deal with it. I thought it was interesting and even though a lot of it is very personal to me as to why I have it, I dont mind sharing with everyone my experiances, if it can help anyone.
my panic attacks normally worsen in the Autumn/Winter, when it gets dark, and Im constantly trying to control the future. I was affraid of the dark since the day I was born, up until the age of 30, and wet the bed until I was 16. (please bare with me...).. The problem stemmed from the fact that my father seriously beat my mother from the day I was born, kicking her to the floor when she was expecting wasnt rare, including glass windows etc, these attacks came at night, then they were also focused on me, strangulation etc. I guess what Im trying to say is that, this happend at night, during, also I didnt want to risk going to the bathroom, in case something was going on, its interesting that I had forgotton all about these things, or most until now, but there seems to be a pattern, and I seem to be leap frogging from the past to the future, missing the present entirely, as I need to know, what I can control that will be ok, and not upsetting. Since trying to live in the present its getting a bit better, but its a marathon and it will take a long long time, but its a start, I just wanted to say to everyone hang on in there, we can do it, and it does make sense, we are good people, and well get there. xx

Sat Jan 14 2012 16:14:35 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Wings. I too feared things at night when I was a child... Nocturnal enuresis, to give it its' scientific name was a problem for me too. For a while I had a bed alarm thing that woke me up to go to the loo a hundred times a night too!!! It is amazing how the things we probably took as normal as kids, simply because we didn't know anything other, assuming everything to be 'normal' which it probably was then anyway, but is not the same today...
I too feel the need to have some control over things, but find so little I can do. My meds are probably helping a bit, I just don't know. Living in the present is an art I think, and I'm trying to do it a lot more, as you quite rightly say, we are good people, and will get there, wherever there is...
Wannabe

Sun Jan 15 2012 13:32:44 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

I feel for you, Wings, honestly. Wannabefree names it: the need to have some control. And that is a natural reaction to what you went through. It is awful to have to experience the (aggressive) chaos you went through as a young one... most probably expecting the worst many, many dreadful nights (or, what even may be more problematic: expecting something horrific, terrifying, without being able to specify what that might be).

The result: a need to be in control, because that is precisely what you were lacking way back then. Things got out of hand, and you couldn't do anything. That's a bit like paralysis. In the words of my favourite pop composer, Brian Wilson: you were a cork on the ocean, a leaf on a windy day, a rock in a landslide.

So then, later, the pendulum swings entirely to the other side: one wants control, and fantasises about being in control, up to the point where one wants to control the uncontrollable: the future. Because one wants at all cost to avoid the return of chaos. And that is impossible (control the future, I mean).

Living in the present is a sound goal to aim for, but as you say, it is hard to attain. Yet is is the realistic option to strive for, since making the past undone is impossible, and so is controlling the future. As someone who is obsessed by his past, I can well empathise, believe me.

And living in the present, that is worth fighting for, making an enormous effort for.

I love your concluding words, they are spot on. I wish you all the very best in your mission.

Kind regards, Cuthbert.

Tue Jan 17 2012 14:13:12 #