OCD Action

adrock15
Member

Hi. I'm new here on this forum. I have been suffering from POCD since October 2010. I have a question regarding false memories. I work with students, and I experience intrusive thoughts of touching them in an inappropriate way when I am with them. I experience incredible anxiety whenever I have these thoughts. After I have one of these thoughts, I ask myself, "Oh my gosh, did I just touch that student? Did I just act on my thought?" Then, I try to remember exactly what happened and where my hands were, but I can't. I can't remember everything that happened, so I begin to panic that I actually did do something bad. I then start to engage in my compulsions of checking how that student is acting towards me and going over what happened in my head again and again.

My question is what should I do in regards to these false memories? I have read online that I should accept the possibility that I may have done it. I just feel that I can't do this. How is one able to accept the possibility that they did something so horrible? If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for reading.

Sun Jul 24 2011 4:19:09 #
Tess
Member

Hi adrock
Welcome to the forum. I can't help you with this particular problem myself because my OCD takes a different form but there are other members who have similar thoughts to yours and there have been a lot of discussions in the past on this subject. The following thread may interest you.
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/intrusive-sexual-thoughts-and-false-memories

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:11:25 #
Truddles
Member

Hi adrock,

Welcome to the forum

Can I first ask what do you mean by POCD? We all know what OCD stands for but unfortunately POCD can mean more than one thing in the context of OCD.

With regards to the false memories if you go to the Hot Tags at the right hand side of this page and click on false memories it will give you a list of threads that discuss this.

It was only yesterday evening that I posted this

With OCD we're looking for guarantees and certainties and there are none other than this one - that we are all going to die. Apart from that none of us can be 100% certain about anything. People without OCD live with that knowledge and act accordingly. If we have OCD we have to relearn this skill, that is filtering all the thoughts that we get and acting appropriately rather than hanging on to them because we've considered them to be important. Most of the thoughts that we hang on to people without OCD would either ignore or assess and deem them to be unimportant. Such as 'Did I lock the door?' non OCDers would briefly think, acknowledge that they had and then forget it, not us it goes round and round and won't stop. But with help we can learn to control our reactions to the thoughts, as it's our reactions to the thoughts that's more of a problem than the actual thoughts. Our reactions perpetuate the thoughts. It doesn't help that we tend to have an overinflated sense of responsibility.

So basically you need to recognise it as being an OCD thought and acknowledge it as such. Don't engage with the thought, that is don't do your compulsions and don't try to argue with the OCD it loves you to say 'What if?' and will keep you going round and round in circles for hours. So don't engage with the thought and try to keep yourself occupied. With OCD we tend to catastrophise, that is we see the worst case scenario in all we do. You know that you wouldn't touch a student and so acknowledge the thoughts for what they are OCD thoughts.

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:12:37 #
BT
Member

Welcome to the forum. I have the same symptom, so I appreciate the hell you are experiencing.

I have also read the same advice, but like you cannot cope with that form of therapy (accepting I might have carried out such acts). I also suffer false memories. There’s a thread lower down the page you might be interested in:
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/intrusive-sexual-thoughts-and-false-memories

Time and time again I read that it’s unheard of for someone like us to put our thoughts into action. I am also realising that the symptom is very common.

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:13:21 #
BT
Member

Sorry, sent that while others were writng.

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:14:13 #
Truddles
Member

Sorry, sent that while others were writng.

We all posted at the same time so a case of great minds think alike?

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:26:10 #
Tess
Member

Hi BT
Great minds think alike!

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:26:29 #
Tess
Member

Oh dear, done it again.

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:27:54 #
BT
Member

Truddles, I agree about the confusion of acronyms. I think, however, many find it very difficult to write the word ‘paedophilia’ and the way in which adrock describes his problems does clarify it.

I also see your point about 100 per cent certainty being unattainable and how obsessionals crave this. However, I have a couple of friends who fear they are paedophiles, and to be honest I would trust them with my children 100 per cent. Lee Baer says we can not even be 100 per cent sure the sun will rise tomorrow, but he can be sure enough that he will not suddenly commit a heinous act, to live a normal life without worrying about it. So, in essence he is agreeing with you.

I do feel the ‘rules’ are a little different with a symptom like this one (I appreciate Lee Baer is speaking about these very obsessions). Some people could not cope with being told to accept that committing such an act is possible. One of my friends has been near to suicide and her psychologist has said that he is 100 per cent sure that she would never abuse her children. I honestly feel if he said otherwise she would no longer be with us. It’s difficult, I know, because in therapy we are told we can never be totally sure of anything and that we need to accept this. I would just like to add that I have discussed this with my family and my parents (who don’t have OCD) have told me they are 100 per cent sure they will never sexually abuse a child.

I am honestly unsure if I would have survived this symptom if told there was the slightest chance I would absue a child.

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:28:02 #
BT
Member

By the way, Truddles, I didn't know about the 'hot tags', thanks for that. I had put 'false memories' in a search, some weeks ago, and i came up with several threads, but not that long one that Tess and I left a link for. I found it by putting 'paedophilia' in the search. I'm not very good with computers, so I probably did something wrong!

There does appear to be a problem with the Forum Topic Search at the moment and it is being attended to.
If you go to http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/the-forum-how-do-i-do it explains how to use tags.
Soxon
Moderator

Sun Jul 24 2011 10:59:41 #
adrock15
Member

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the warm welcome and all the advice. I really appreciate your getting back to me.

I have read the thread on sexual intrusive thoughts and false memories. It perfectly describes what I am going through in regards to my harm OCD, and for that, I think it's so informative. However, please correct if I'm wrong, I feel like the thread doesn't address how to deal with or challenge these false memories. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with false memories?

To BT: Hi BT. I totally feel your pain. It sucks big time, but we're still here, and we're still somehow moving along with our lives.

To Truddles: Hi Truddles. By POCD, I mean Pedophilia OCD. I constantly worry that I am attracted to children. I also worry that I am going to molest a child.

This whole OCD experience is just so crazy. Before I had my first spike, I was perfectly fine around children. I knew (and know even now) that I would never hurt a child. But now sometimes, that certainty is gone. It's just so crazy, isn't it? How one moment I was perfectly fine, and then, within seconds, my world came crashing down. Life is just crazy like that I guess.

Thank you again for your responses. This is a really great forum.

Cheers,
Adrock

Mon Jul 25 2011 6:55:22 #
Tess
Member

Hi adrock
We're all in the same boat whatever form our OCD takes. Before mine developed hand washing and cleaning was never an issue, I never thouight about my hands and cleaning got done as and when it was needed and when time permitted. Then along came OCD and even after 43 years and umpteen forms of treatment plus medication I remain in an almost constant state of awareness regarding the palms of my hands, yet somehow backs of fingers are exempt from this constant nagging in my head - and to add to the stupidity of this condition once I am out of my home I become less aware of my hands. So all the tools we use to keep our OCD at bay should apply to you too.
I am very uncomfortable with what you say you have been advised, i.e. to accept the possibility you may have done something inappropriate. It is accepted that OCD sufferers do not act out their thoughts so why attempt to accept otherwise and especially if it causes you extreme distress. I understand where the therapist is coming from, that you need to come to terms with the fact that nothing in life is 100% certain but I disagree very strongly with trying to convince yourself you may have done something which you most certainly haven't and which is totally against your basic instincts and personality.

Mon Jul 25 2011 9:18:02 #
BT
Member

Adrock, I agree about that thread not giving much advice on dealing with false memories. I’ve been reading so much about our kind of symptom and, as yet, have found nothing really helpful about false memories. All I do know, from bitter experience, is that the more we try to go back in our minds to search for evidence that we have not touched a child, the more the OCD will twist our thinking and cause us to visualise something. The more frequently this happens, the more ingrained the false memory becomes. This, of course, makes us desperate to think back all the more in order to prove the memory wrong. We have to stop looking back in search of this proof, because we will NEVER find it. And, by searching we strengthen, not weaken, the false memory.

The only way I cope is by keeping busy, because the thoughts take up every spare moment, if I my mind is not fully occupied.

I don’t know you, Adrock, and you don’t know me. But, somehow I feel confident enough to say 100% you have not touched a child. I hope you feel the same about me. This crazy condition of ours is just that - crazy. We are some of the sanest people, but we are tortured by crazy thoughts which we will never put into action. I also believe, as a group, we are creative, with very vivid imaginations. Although such traits can be positive ones, they work against us when we are searching back in our minds for evidence of innocence.

Mon Jul 25 2011 11:09:57 #
Tess
Member

BT
You are absolutely spot on. We are intelligent, sane human beings with exceptional abilities and we have to use our talents in a positive direction as a way of channelling the OCD in order to lessen it's debilitatiing nature.

Mon Jul 25 2011 11:24:01 #
adrock15
Member

Hi BT and Tess. Thank you so much for your messages of support. I very much appreciate your kind words.

BT, I don't know you either, but I know that you have done nothing wrong. Your being here on this site is proof enough that you did nothing wrong. I have talked to my therapist about false memories, and she told me two things. First, we need to label our false memories as part of our OCD. We need to understand that this is just a thought, that this thought is not important, and that it is a manifestation of our OCD. Second, she told me that I shouldn't accept the possibility that I actually did do something wrong. She said that I need to accept that I'm not sure what happened. I need to accept the uncertainty in not knowing for sure. Of course, you and I know that we did nothing wrong. We know this, but our OCD is telling us that we need to be sure and that there is a problem if we're not absolutely sure, so we search our brains for every single detail, and in the end, that's just not possible. I cannot remember every single detail of what happened. No one can. I hope I'm making sense.

BT and Tess, thank you again for your messages. I completely agree with what you guys said about us being creative beings. Our minds can take us to very dark places sometimes. We just have to be willing to go on the ride. There's this really good quote by Dr. Steven Phillipson. "Have respect for how your brain can create a holocaust. Sabotage our best interest. Choosing to accept one’s helplessness is huge in managing anxiety." Take care.

Tue Jul 26 2011 7:32:08 #