just found this forum yesterday and this is my first post so far. I moved to south London from Western Europe two years ago. I haven't been diagnosed with any mental condition. However, I think I might suffer from OCD (as some people on HIV forum suggested) since the latest "incident" which involved myself, drinking with friends, alcohol blackout the mornig after and -hopefully- irrational fear that I was raped and/or I was having sex with HIV positive person. Oh god! Here it goes.
Exactly 4 weeks ago me, my boyfriend and another friend went together to a concert in central London, afterwards we decided to go for a drink or two to a pub near the station. We were having quite a few beers; I am not used to drink like this and I guess I was just having too much fun that night. The last thing from the pub I remember is shortly after we walked in, round 9pm, and I ordered a plate of chicken wings. I also have a memory of two English guys sitting at our time and me and my friend talking to each of them. At that time I also know my bf was quite upset as we were not paying attention to him. Anyway, then it gets hazy.. next I remember is going through a barrier at the train station at 12.20. Then waiting at least half an hour before the train got moving (I remember looking through the pictures I took at my camera, and also looking from the window). Then I walk through the barrier of my home station. The problem is I didn't use my ticket so can't check what time it was but I think I took the train which arrived at 1am...the train journey takes approx. 25 minutes. Then I had to walk down the road (main road, lit with houses on both sides) which takes cca 10-15 minutes. The next I know is I am near our house, I see our car from distance and think "the car is home, but my boyfriend is not". Then I know that I am at home getting ready for a shower. I also do my washing and I wash my living room curtains as we had a visit next week so I was planning on doing it anyway and I guess I decided to do it. I then have a shower (don't remember the shower itself) but I know I was sitting at my bed, drying my hair, setting my alarm and then calling my bf to tell him I'm home. I remember him asking me to call him cab, but I told him "no stay where you are and come back in the morning, it's not worth the money" - as we were on opposite sides of London. Then I must have fallen asleep.
The next morning I had to call offsick as I had a horrible hangover. This is the first time in my life I had to call offsick due to alcohol - so this already made me feel very guilty. I had few blackouts in my life, few drinking episodes, but it was always on a weekend and I was with friends or family. Now this time, I was by myself from 11.45am-approximately till 1.15am. And I know I was on the train between 12:15-1pm. And I have no recollection whatsover about what was going on, what was happening. My fear is that I either had a voluntary sex or that I was raped on my way home. My boyfriend and my friend think that I am crazy. I can't shake this off my mind and I am obsessing with this 24/7 (for 3 weeks already). They said "you had a lot to drink but you didn't seem drunk, you didn't stumble or behaved crazy, you were normal, had normal converstaion etc." Even my boyfriend told me the next day that when we talked in the night I sounded sober. But I remember nothing about it, nor do I remember my journey home, or those 30 minutes I was left by myself in London. Well...I didn't have any weird feeling when I woke up. I had no pain anywhere, nothing sore, nothing "reddish", no "sensation" down there. I also had no bruising, no scratching, no torn clothes. All my valuables incl. two purses with cash and cards, camera and a phone were in my bag, which was neatly put on the table. My clothes were all washed and fresh so I can't tell but they didn't seem to show any signs of violence like being torn. I didn't miss a thing icl. my belt, knickers, socks etc. I guess I am being irrational, over-reacting on something which has no "evidence" and my mind is playing tricks with me? Is it possible that I remember things like drying my hair, but would not remember being raped? Would I not at least get a flashback, or something? I can't shake off the feeling of "what if" something happened and I don't remember it? This person was for sure HIV+ so I now have the virus... I keep checking my body constantly since three weeks, I take my temperature at least 4 times a day and when it gets near 37 degrees I am freaking out! I also get panicky over every spot, or blemish. I have already diagnosed my tongue as having a white coating, but then I got rid of this as I read that it only happens years after contracting HIV. I don't worry about another STD only HIV. I posted on another forum for HIV prevention and the people there think I have a paranoia and that I would have known if I had sex or I was raped...
I am actually at the point where I wake up at six in the morning, spend the whole day with my thoughts, going back in memories and trying to "fill the blanks" and I actually don't know if things are real or not. I don't know what to do! I am so scared! I go to bed at 9pm, exhausted of the constant thoughts, and I have nightmares about it, playing the night forwards and backwards. I must have a test but I need to wait for the next 3 weeks so that it is 6 weeks from the "possible" sexual act. I had my HIV & STD test done last week (14 days after) and this came back negative, but I know it takes at least 6 weeks for anything to show. I haven't had any symptomps so far but I am extensively checking my body at least 20 times a day. My boyfriend doesn't talk to me much and he shouts at me to go to a psychiatrist. I honestly don't know - is it possible I was raped? If not, why do I think I could have been? I walked the road yesterday night with my boyfriend, I made him go with me to the station and back, as I thought this might help me get some memories, or at least feelings but nothing happened. I also made the pub manager to go through the CCTV from the pub which showed our table and also the CCTV at the toilets entrance. She confirmed to me that I did not go with any guys onto the toilets (I was worried I could have) and that I left with my boyfriend at 11;45, the pub closed at 12:15, the guys were leaving as the last ones with another girls (possibly girlfriends) and I have never come back. After she confirmed this I started worrying about the rape. Before it didn't really occured to me as I though that I would have had some sings of violence or similar. Why is this happening? Can it be real, do you think I should stop and I'll be fine? As for alcohol, I made a pact with myself that I will never touch a glass no matter what. I have no wory about me sticking to this plan. I stopped smoking from one day to another 11 months ago and didn't have a one since then.
Sorry for such a lengthy post & thanks for allowing me let this out.