OCD Action

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Coco
Member

Hello everyone

I am new to this forum and have hit rock bottom to the point where i feel like giving up. I've had OCD for about 10 years now and am having a really bad run at the moment.

My thoughts tell me that i've killed people or harmed them. No matter how hard I try to rationalise the thoughts just don't go away.

I wake up every morning with a heavy heart. If it wasn't for my parents and sister, I would have taken my life a long time ago.
My current and most severe thought is something that happened a few years ago. I was volunteering at a domestic violence centre and used some gluestick to stick papers. Shortly after I went to McDonalds to have lunch. As soon as I finishsed I got thoughts that I have contaminated people with gluestick and because of me thousands of people have died. This thought vanished but has since come back with a vengeance.

I am seeing a psychologist and she tells me that i shouldn't seek reassurance as it will only make matters worse. I just don't know what to do. I am so depressed and lost and honestly feel like giving up.

Please help me

Sat Nov 26 2011 0:49:23 #
Tess
Member

Hi Coco
Welcome to the forum. It may be a bit quieter than usual today because there is a big OCD conference in London and some of the regular forum users will be there. There are a lot of members with similar problems to yours. You haven't said if you are on medication, if you are just working with a psychologist it may take time before you start to feel improvement. If you have a look around this website there is information about CBT under Treatments in the Support and Info section and there is also a downloadable file abour what you should expect from good CBT under the Advocacy section. You can also look at previous forum discussions by using the Forum Topic Search box on the right. This is a friendly and supportive place, stay with us and hopefully it will help you.

Sat Nov 26 2011 10:29:36 #
slogsweep
Member

Ah Coco, I felt so sad reading your post, because I know exactly what you're going through. You're definitely not alone and you're not capable of causing such harm. I know it's easier said than done but you have to identify the OCD. I worry about having done the most horrible things even as a child despite the reassurance of anyone around me. It's symptomatic of OCD.

If you're not convinced do a Yale-Brown test online, and read some material on OCD (I highly recommend Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by David Veale and Brain Lock by Jeffery Schwartz). Some medication would calm your thoughts down. I take fluoxetine at a medium dose and my intrusive thoughts are kept relatively in check before my CBT starts. If you're depressed (as I am) therapy alone won't work as you need treatment for the depression too. See your GP as soon as possible. You needn't mention the OCD if you aren't confident that the doctor is aware of the condition. He or she will almost certainly put you on a course of SSRI's for 2 weeks before you have another checkup.

Don't give up, and as our OCD is similar please feel free to message me at any time if you need someone who knows what this torture feels like.

Best wishes,
Slog

Sat Nov 26 2011 15:14:24 #
Coco
Member

Hi Slog
Thank you so much for your message. It means alot to me.
I am taking Zoloft but haven't felt any better. I took Aropax when I was first diagnosed. It worked for awhile but then stopped after a few years. I've been on several medications such as Escitalopram, Cloripramine, Citalopram and Prozac and none of them have really helped.
I will be starting CBT this week and am a bit nervous.
I just feel so down Slog, every minute of the day is torture. I keep praying and asking God to help me but my prayers are falling on deaf ears.
My friends and family have been supportive but they really don't know how hard it is. I'm expected to live a good life, go to work, socialise and be happy. How can you live a life when you have all these horrible thoughts?
I'm just so exhausted.

Thank you so much for replying. I don't feel alone any more

Regards
Coco

Sat Nov 26 2011 19:40:00 #
slogsweep
Member

Hello Coco, I feel less alone too reading your post, as sad as it made me that someone else knows what this feels like.

I'm only taking Prozac at the moment but might ask for some emergency meds like Diazepam for the worst panic attacks. I also have my first assessment for CBT this week on Wednesday. I'm very nervous but sort of excited at the same time.

Re. the praying, I was driven to prayer despite being agnostic at best throughout my teenage years. I don't know why, I was so desperate I was willing to try anything. I'm at university so my family worry endlessly about the impact the OCD has on my time there. As much as I love to I can't go out to crowded places much, and I can't drink. But you have your friends and family as I do and you must use their support. Talk to them constantly they will understand.

At my lowest, I didn't want to live my life with these thoughts. I stood at the end of a pier and thought about suicide, a way in which I could make it look accidental to not hurt anyone's feelings. That's how bad it got while I felt alone and was unaware of OCD. But we have an illness. Here's some books that may help you:

Brain Lock - Jeffery Schwartz (About £6)
Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - David Veale &...someone else, (About £7)
Break Free From OCD - Challacombe, Oldfield and Salikovskis (About £9)

All of them are brilliant. If you still don't think the thoughts are related to a condition in your brain and aren't dangerous, take some online OCD tests. List your compulsions, it was only when I did this that I realised that I really do have bad OCD. (Though, if you don't have many, remember pure O).

Here's an image as to why you have intrusive thoughts that just won't go away, this PET scan shows the difference between us and those without OCD:
http://www.hope4ocd.com/graphics/petscan1.gif

You need medication or treatment specifically for your depression as I've said to someone else on here today, as the depression might impact your ability to undergo CBT. That's why I haven't been able to start yet. Concentrate on beating this first. Remember you have a condition and you are totally harmless. Keep busy too, find a hobby or activity however small that can fully occupy your mind. Mine was video games and walking, without which I wouldn't have got through the period I was waiting for the intrusive thoughts to subside.

Please read some material on OCD and message me at any time if you're feeling anxious. I'll get back to you as quickly as I can.

Slog

Sat Nov 26 2011 20:14:24 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Coco, welcome from me too... I agree wholeheartedly with both Tess and Slog, and will write more in the morning...
Wannabe

Sat Nov 26 2011 21:33:23 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone... Those pictures are amazing, Slog! It certainly puts this into perspective... It just proves how serious this OCD is, and it also proves that we aren't decieving ourselves, our brains really are overworking... Those books look good too, the one about Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder one is by David veale, and Rob Willson, and it is really good... I'm gonna read it again so the stuff assimilates itself better into my mind...
I've also found a CD on Amazon, called 'Achieve freedom from OCD, by Albert Smith... I find it useful to listen to the spoken word too, it is another way of getting the brain to absorb the information...
Hopefully you are feeling a little better today, Coco?
wannabe

Sun Nov 27 2011 11:32:15 #
Citaloman
Member

Coco please check out my thread. I'm feeling down to but I have been here before and it does get better. I'm trying CBT soon and I have also started on a upped dose of citalopram. I suffer from depression and OCD too. When the depression lifts the OCD should will calm down.

People on here are a god send they really are

Sun Nov 27 2011 14:30:38 #
Coco
Member

Hi Guys
Thanks so much for all your support. It really means alot to me.
Things are getting worse day by day. The meds aren't helping. I am currently on Zoloft and feel as if my ocd is getting worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wake up every morning in pain, I don't have the words to describe how much pain i'm in. Every minute of the day is torture. The only time I'm at peace is when I'm alseep but sadly that doesn't last for long. When i wake up, it's back to reality.

My thoughts never leave me alone. I lost my best friend to suicide 4 years ago. Initially my thoughts told me that I made a suicide pact with my friend. Now they tell me that I pushed her from the building. I would never ever do something like this, I loved her dearly and would never harm her but no matter how hard i try to convince myself that this is just a thought, the thought still remains.

A few years ago I was watching a documentary on September 11th and immediately got thoughts that I was a terrorist and did all these horrible things. Once again, there is no way how i'd ever do this.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried so many meds but none of them seem to be helping.

I'm alive because my parents and sister will not be able to live without me. But the fact is that everyday I'm in so much pain. My only connection to the world is my parents and sister. If it weren't for them, I'd end my life in a heart beat because this is no life.

Everyone tells me to 'hang in there'. I'm so exhausted guys..........................

Mon Nov 28 2011 7:37:27 #
Tess
Member

Hi Coco
I lost my only child to suicide 4 years ago so I understand your pain, in fact I am dreading the anniversary which is getting close. But I came to realise through bereavement counselling and a huge amount of support that to spend the rest of my life in grief and guilt is the last thing he would have wanted. That's one of the reasons I come on here every day in the hope that it might help someone else. Have you had any bereavement counselling - mine was with a CPN at our local mental health centre, she had never done it before as it's not part of her job but I went to see her for about nine months and she got me through. If you've tried many different meds without improvement then perhaps some talking therapy will help. I used to sob uncontrollably at times but you have to let it all out of yourself, bottling it inside for the sake of others doesn't help, it just turns it all inwards into depression.

Mon Nov 28 2011 9:59:05 #
slogsweep
Member

Coco we're so similar I'm starting to think you're an alter-ego or something. It does get better I promise, the good days will become more consistent. Keep posting on here, there's such great support by caring people to be had.

You're not alone. Knowledge is power against OCD someone on here told me, it's some of the best advice I've had. The more I've read on the condition (by authors who know they are writing for an audience affected by OCD) the more I'm able to attribute the fears and "badness" to OCD and the more I can begin to sow the seeds for a recovery. A slow recovery, but a recovery nonetheless. Read as many books on the subject as you can. Some are good, some aren't so good, but every nugget of knowledge helps. The tablets and meds are to stabilise you and calm you down so you can work on identifying and eradicating the condition, sadly they aren't a cure alone.

Best wishes, and yes, you must keep going. I know how exhausting it is and I know how tempting it is for it to all be over but you can recover Coco.

Slog

Mon Nov 28 2011 16:52:02 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Coco, I second what slog has said... We have to belive that we can recover, cos that is what we are all here for... We're being pretty brave on here I think... OCD is an absolute pig to live with, it is a full blown disability, and takes a lot to cope with, but you can do it, we all can do it, we have to, because we are good people with an illness...
wannabe

Mon Nov 28 2011 18:56:45 #
Coco
Member

Thanks guys.
I wish we were all living in the same country so we could meet. I live in New Zealand and the treatment here for OCD is quite limited. We don't have the facilities.
I start CBT tomorrow so am hoping that things will get better. My psychologist says that part of CBT is not seeking reassurance. This will be the hardest step for me because i always seek reassurance that i'm a good person and am not capable of harming people. So I am a bit nervous. Lets see what happens tomorrow.
I feel a bit better since joining the forum. I don't feel that lonely anymore so thank you to all of you:))

Tue Nov 29 2011 7:47:58 #
wannabefree
Member

Have a good day with the CBT, Coco, Wow, you are on the other side of the world, but it's a much smaller world with the internet and OCD Action...
wannabe

Tue Nov 29 2011 19:28:19 #
Unregistered

Hi Coco,

I hope that your first session of CBT went well. Don't panic if it's all a bit confusing or scary at first. CBT is a life-saver. It really turned me around when I was at my lowest point.

If you start to see some benefits during the course of CBT, maybe you could tell us on the forum, so that other people can hear about it. CBT really is the best thing for your OCD.

There are some really good Information Packs on this website, under "Resources". I would really recommend that you read some of them, especially the ones about CBT, diagnosis, and the NICE Guidelines. There's also at least one information pack on here that explains how to tell if your therapist is doing proper CBT or not.

You can read all of the OCD Action information packs on screen, or print them off to read later.

Good luck, Coco -- and well done for arranging to get some CBT. You've done the very best thing for yourself that you could have done!

Wed Nov 30 2011 18:36:15 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Coco,

I hope that your first CBT session went well
Have a look at the following CBT Check list It will help you to make the most of your CBT.

Wed Nov 30 2011 19:46:17 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi from me too Coco, hope everything went okay, and that it wasn't too scary...
I'll chat again tomorrow,
Wannabe

Wed Nov 30 2011 22:15:52 #
Coco
Member

Hi Guys
I had my first session of CBT yesterday. One of the things my therapist talked about was not seeking reassurance. That's my compulsion. Whenever I have a thought I always try and reason or rationalise. My thoughts tell me that I pushed my best friend from the building. I've spent hours and hours trying to fight the thought. My therapist said when I get such thoughts i shoudl say "yeah so what?" and move on. She says that the thought loses its power and hold over the person. I find this quite difficult to do. I don't have the guts to say "yeah so i pushed her". It's so hard to say these words.
My therapist also asked me what i'd be doing during my weekends if i didn't have ocd. I gave her a long list of things that i used to enjoy doing before i was diagnosed. She told me that I need to start doing these things even if it means making a big effort. She told me that's it's important that i keep myself happy and said 'fake it till you make it'.
I told her that my goal is to be able to say one day that "these are just thoughts". She said it's possible but i'm at a point in my life where these thoughts seem so real. I cried a bit during the session and told her that i was sick and tired of fighting. I've had OCD for 11 years now and am so exhausted.
It's hard as most of you will agree. I don't know how i go to work.
Please let me know if any of you have had similar CBT therapy. I want to make sure that i'm getting the right treatment.
I hope all of you are doing good:))

Love
Coco

Thu Dec 1 2011 7:10:42 #
Unregistered

Hi Coco,

well done for going to your first CBT session! Yes, that sounds like proper CBT. As Trudy points out in her post, you might benefit from reading the information pack called "CBT Checklist", which you can find under "Resources" on the homepage. (Print it off, and keep it handy, to read whenever you're not sure if your therapist is giving you good advice.)

What you've described in your post sounds good. It all feels a bit confusing and overwhelming at first when you start a course of CBT. But after a while it all starts to sink in.

If you haven't already done so, you might want to buy a CBT / OCD book, to read at home. I would personally recommend "Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" by David Veale and Rob Willson, or "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for Dummies" by Charles Elliott and Laura Smith.

In his lecture at the OCD Action conference, David Veale gave a talk about how to tell if your therapist is giving you proper CBT for OCD. I think his presentation is going to go up on the website shortly (this week or next week, maybe?), so you might like to keep an eye out for that one. (I attended his lecture, and it was brilliant.)

There will be some differences between what each individual CBT therapist does and says in their CBT therapy sessions, so don't panic if they're not saying things word for word the same as you've read in a book or elsewhere.

You've made a huge and important step by getting this course of CBT, so you should be really proud of yourself. Remember that your CBT therapist is there to help you, and should be able to answer most of your questions. So if you don't understand what they're telling you to do, or you don't understand the reason for any of the tasks they're giving you, then ask them to explain things to you again.

Well done, Coco -- you'll be a big inspiration to other sufferers reading this forum!

Thu Dec 1 2011 7:51:54 #
chloe
Member

Hi Coco,

I have had OCD for over 40 years and never told anyone (I didn't even know what is was for most of them.]

I finally plucked up the courage to seek professional help this year, as I could take no more.
I promise you, it's been the best thing I have ever done in my life.
I wish to God I had done it sooner but better late than never.

I don't feel confident enough to give you any advice, but I just wanted you to know what a huge diifference having the CBT has made to my life.

At first I found it extremly overwhelming, confusing and very frightening. I spend a lot of the sessions in tears.
Then suddenly as OCD Londoner said, it all started to make sense and I felt a massive sense of relief that maybe I wasn't this completley worthless horrible human being that was a complete failure and no good to anyone, and that I had this life destroying illness. Because thats what it does best - destroy lives -and maybe I wasn't to blame for everything that goes wrong in my life.

So Coco, I wish you all the luck in the world, Ipray you will find the CBT as life changing as I did.

I don't contribute much on the forums as I still lack self confidence. But I read all the advice these wonderful people give.
I don't feel so isolated anymore and I would like to thank each and everyone of you.

If it wasn't for the CBT and this website I don't know where I would be.

It's amazing that people that I don't even know have helped me so much and they don't know it. And I know that they will help you every step of the way.

You are very brave, don't forget that.

Take care,

Love Chloe X

Thu Dec 1 2011 9:51:13 #
Tess
Member

Hi Chloe
Your voice on the forum is every bit as important as anyone else's, I feel sad that you say your lack of self confidence prevents you contributing much, don't forget we're all in the same boat on here and seeing what you have written in print and getting replies is a good confidence builder.

Thu Dec 1 2011 10:05:55 #
Unregistered

Hi Chloe,

that's a brilliant and inspiring post. Well done for overcoming your nerves about talking on the forum.

I'm sure that Coco will be really pleased to read your post.

Thu Dec 1 2011 11:30:36 #
slogsweep
Member

Please talk to us Chloe, with wonderful posts like that you've so much ability to help. :). I felt the same, I read these forums for 3 weeks before making an account, best thing I ever did. Now people probably want me to shut up!

I had my first session the other day and it felt fantastic at the end. I cried twice, I got through a fair old few tissues, but when you clump everything together and combine it with an understanding voice, everything suddenly, for one beautiful moment, makes sense.

If anyone is getting cold feet, which I did (I think I had a couple of forums on it), please go to CBT, all of the wonderful people on here will say the same.

Have a good day, everybody

Slog

Thu Dec 1 2011 12:51:09 #
chloe
Member

Hi Tess, OCD Londoner and Slogsweep,

Thank you so much for your kind replies. They are very much appreciated.

Love Chloe X

Thu Dec 1 2011 13:30:08 #
Coco
Member

hi guys
just got back from work.
thanks for all your replies- it means alot to me.
i don't want to sound negative but sometimes i feel that i'll never get better. my sister tells me to be positive but i find it hard to do so.
i have been doing my cbt homework but at this stage don't feel any better. I guess its early days.
my current thought is around the gluestick. i still feel that because of me thousands of people have died. will i ever make peace with this thought? it seems so scary. i haven't sought reassurance from friends or my therapist but haven't felt better for not doing so. Has anyone had a similar experience?
My achievement for this week was washing my hair. I know it may sound gross but lately i haven't had the strenght to pay attention to myself. It's too hard.

It's friday evening here. Part of my CBT homework is watching a Johnny Depp movie. Just got out The Tourist:))
Once again, thank you so much for your replies- i would be lost without you all.

Fri Dec 2 2011 6:27:36 #
Tess
Member

Hi Coco
Everyone starts by feeling they'll never get better - in fact once you do start to improve you will be the last one to realise it, everyone else will see your improvements before you do - then suddenly you'll be able to look back and realise you have progressed and that you are able to do things which you thought would never be possible. It's a slow process and there will be steps backwards along the way but it's the route to recovery for us all - and well done on washing your hair - why not post it on the Achievements section, seeing your achievements in print, however small will help you to be positive.

Fri Dec 2 2011 10:35:49 #
Unregistered

Hi Coco,

I think you're a star!!!

Don't worry if you don't see massive changes straight away. The more sessions of CBT you have, the better. The longer you work with your therapist, the more it will start to make sense. It can all be a bit overwhelming at first.

When I started my CBT, I didn't really believe that it would work. I hoped it would, but I didn't really believe it. But now that I'm coming towards the end of my first course of CBT, it's all making sense, and I can see some massive changes in the way I'm coping with my life.

I think you're the star of the week, Coco! And I loved Chloe and Slogsweep's posts on this thread. I think all three of you win the prize this week for the most positive, uplifting posts on the forum. All three of you will have inspired lots of other OCD sufferers, who are trying to decide whether or not to seek help.

Please keep us all updated on your progress, Coco -- we're all cheering for you!

Fri Dec 2 2011 10:58:56 #
Unregistered

p.s. Coco,

I've taken the "OCD" out of my username -- take that, OCD!!!

Fri Dec 2 2011 11:01:01 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi londoner! I was just wondering if you were the same person or not! That's aver positive move to make, and t is good... Hi Chloe, I echo what others are saying on here about your posts, they make lovely reading, so please do come to the forums more... Hi Coco, t's early days for the CBT... I fear starting mine next year, but I know that pushing through it week after week, the new thoughts will be good ones... And to you too, Slog, youre posts are an inspiration to me, so don't stop! more later,
wannabe

Fri Dec 2 2011 11:59:41 #
Coco
Member

Hi there
Hope you all are good.
It's sunday evening here and I'm getting ready for work tomorrow.
I managed to do my cbt homework but got an eye infection on sat so wasn't able to meet my friend for coffee:(( It's also better now so hopefully next weekend i will be able to see her.
I have my next cby session on wednesay so fingers crossed.
What's the latest with everyone?

Sun Dec 4 2011 6:54:13 #