OCD Action

Phil
Member

Hi, I'm new here - I was diagnosed two years ago.

I'm having a really terrible time of things OCD wise at the moment - my main obsession is a Paedo obsession, and I've been managing it effectively for a couple of years (after a course of CBT), but recently I've relapsed big time, and I can't seem to pull myself back out this time. I'm usually a very capable person, but right now I honestly don't know what to do, where to turn, or how to get better.

It started a few weeks ago as a result of having a dream whereby I rescued a young boy from drowning, but then molested him - I just kept thinking 'Here's your chance, do it', and it was like I had no control - needless to say I woke up feeling horrified, disgusted, and extraordinarily guilt-ridden. Thankfully, I didn't wake up with an erection (because that would have pushed me over the edge), but the fact that in the dream I obviously wanted to commit such an awful act was terrifying enough. So, before I continue, I need to ask, are those sort of dreams normal for OCD? Or is there something much worse wrong with me?

Anyway, I was able to put the dream itself out of my mind, but not the fear of being a Paedo. So as that started to gain momentum, so did the checking of the bodily sensations. Now, I know that anxiety etc can produce false sensations of arousal, and that your body is conditioned to have a sexual response to a sexual thought (regardless of whether you find the thought disturbing), and so sensations of arousal are to be ignored... and I was fine accepting that - UNTIL the other day, to help me manage my fears I bought the book Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts and on the first page it says:

"If you experience sexual thoughts that are unwanted because they go against your morals, but the thoughts are pleasurable to you at some level (for example, they are sexually arousing), this book will not help you; you need to consult a mental-health professional in your area for assistance in coping with your thoughts."

After reading that I am utterly and completely panic stricken. I'm now trying to define whether or not the sensations I get are pleasurable or not - I don't think they are, but the whole point of why those sensations reinforce your OCD is because you can never be sure... am I right?

Also I read that your future actions can be based on your past actions i.e. if you were a Paedo you'd have attempted to molest children before/looked for child porn etc... I had some sexual experience when I was quite young (between 9 - 14) with friends who were the same age as me, and now I'm thinking 'could those experiences mean I have these kinds of desires?' even though in adulthood I've never had a sexual experience with anyone who was more than a couple of months younger than me - 90% of my partners have been older.

I'm going to the doctors this week (for the first time in over two years) and I'm really scared about talking about this.

Anyway, basically I am completely terrified right now, and would love any insight/help anyone can offer. Please.

(I would like to add at this point that I have NEVER had an erection over a child, and find the thought of anyone harming a child in that way absolutely horrifying.... but I still can't be sure that I'm not a Paedo. I feel sickened by all this.)

Tue Mar 16 2010 20:52:48 #
Blueskies
Member

Hi there Phil

Welcome to the forum and thank you for being so open and honest. First of all sexual thoughts regarding children are often quite common with OCD. The distorted perceptions of trying to decide if you are a paedo or not, is determined by the fact , that you are sickened and disgusted by the thoughts. OCD sufferes never act out these feelngs or thoughts and are aware that they are part of the OCD however disturbing.

Sexual experimentation during puberty is also natural and is not a deciding factor as to whether you will be a paedo. From what you mentioned it was the dream that triggered off your fears, and in that dream you had no control and crossed over the boundaries that are unacceptable to your waking state.

Having safe boundaries and being in control you already have, and
I do understand it is very distressing for you, but it's a good idea to go and see you doc also. Try not to worry too much, boundary issues and control are common issues with OCD.

Pam

Tue Mar 16 2010 22:17:17 #
Unregistered

Oh thank god. For a second there, I thought you said the book 'Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' - If you read page 135, it states " a similar situation occurs when someone with OCD becomes highly anxious about abusing a child. They may focus attention on their genitles to 'assess' their response to children or intrusive thoughts. They may notice sensations that are normally there and misinterpret them as signs of sexual arousal; they may notice arousal responses that are a consequence of anxiety, and interpret these as a sign of desire"

Mind you, thinking about it, could I be a paedo? I mean, I have no desires for women nor men. Perhaps I started with Gay and trannsexual thoughts, psychotic thoughts and has now turned into one. I mean, that passage:

"If you experience sexual thoughts that are unwanted because they go against your morals, but the thoughts are pleasurable to you at some level (for example, they are sexually arousing), this book will not help you; you need to consult a mental-health professional in your area for assistance in coping with your thoughts."

I have enjoyed these thoughts and seriously regretted it afterwards, but this was after a major period of avoidance and response prevention. And I've had dreams where I saw a couple molesting their daughter graphically and I woke up feeling pleasured and regretting it. This bordered on a wet dream.

Hmmm, this is what a lot of people with this type of OCD think. Now that I've snapped out of it, Phil you need to remember you're not a pedo. There are subtle differences that split people with OCD and Paedophiles. Pedo's do not care about their actions and think its a normal thing. People with OCD share the feelings and sensations, but know that it is wrong and so seek reassurance and avoid children for fear of what will happen.

I'm doing exposure therapy at the moment and have been responding quite well to it. I watch movies with children in, I do visual exposure, where I expose myself to an inappropriate sexual fantasy and also go out to places where children/adolescents are present. I recently had a positive dream, a contrast to those few which were inappropriate where a young girl hit on me. Well she sat next to me with her leg across my leg, and I smiled to her and asked her what she was doing, then moved her leg off and said "erm, you're a little bit young for me. I don't have a problem with you sitting next to me, but I don't sway that way (pedo)" I woke up and obviously did not become OTT happy, because I prefer to keep my feel on my ground, but I guess exposure therapy is reflecting in my dreams, whenever I get those kinds.

But Phil, you're not. And I should know because I understand. If you want to chat a bit more PM me

I went through 2 years where I believed that I was nothing mroe than a pedo and would molest a child if I was within 10ft of them. You are okay.

Giles

Wed Mar 17 2010 0:13:50 #
Dotty
Moderator

Hi Phil, Welcome to the Forum, and I hope you find it useful. As you can see, there are lots of people around to chat to, so good luck.

Wed Mar 17 2010 9:25:59 #
Sammy87
Member

Phil, can I just start by saying a massive thank you for being so honest. I have almost exactly the same symptoms as you have to and I too have had a sexual experience when I was a lot younger - about 9ish? I worried about this for years and years without telling anyone and am now wondering if this is the cause of my ocd. Have you had a similar feeling? As the girl was a year or two younger than I it dawned on me that maybe that meant that I was a peado, since then thats all I can think about and I am so so worried about it. Deep down I know that I would never ever hurt a child but I don't understand how I can have these thoughts and still be a good person? I would be really interested to hear how you get along at the doctors? Good Luck!

Sat Mar 27 2010 20:35:56 #
vmb
Member

Hey phil I complete understand ur situation through & through I have had the same experiences let me know how u get on, and Sammy you was a child too during that sexual experience so I dont think you should give urself such a hard time over it. Children experiement at young ages to see what sensations are like etc, you are a good person otherwise it would not worry you

Sat Apr 17 2010 7:47:13 #
sanchez
Member

hi phil i have been in your situation for the last 13 years after a false allegation my world was turned upside down and this started the obsession compulsion ritual with cp i have had the arousal but also felt disgusted so i have crossed boundaries dont be afraid to tell the doctor everything before things get out of control like they did for me

Wed Apr 21 2010 11:50:28 #