OCD Action

Seandy
Member

Well I'll try and put this in as best I can. As It's really screwing with my life.

For the record; I was Diagnosed with OCD over my hair two years ago. But I've always had Obsessive and compulsive symptoms

A couple of months ago, when that awful woman working in that nursery was caught abusing children; It made me think to myself that anyone could be a paedophile. even myself. So i scanned my own mind - and remembered back to a time when I must have been 12 or 13 - and I'd poked a child who must have been about 5 in the stomach, playfully - as you do with kids. But I lingered on the thought and had this feeling of overwhelming guilt- like i've never felt before that I'd done something wrong. I know I'd not abused the child in any way but i felt that it was an abuse of someones boundaries; eventually i was making up scenarios where i could have wronged this kid but I just can't remember it - or something along them lines. Well eventually it passed and I got back to busy life.

But now it's back, and now I'm accusing myself of being a paedophile. I have these thoughts come into my head and I don't like them, I've even begun dreaming of it - it only came back really because i thought about that whole Scenario the few months previously. So i shot myself in the foot there. But now I constantly find myself thinking about it - all day everyday. I look through my past to find any inkling where I can accuse myself of being one - And I'll have this ritual (the compulsion) to erhm, check my genitals and force myself to have these thoughts to see if there's any reaction at all.

At first even when I looked at a child I'd get this feeling, but not of arousal down there; I was always aware i was becoming OVER aware of that area because I'd think about it. I read up on something called a "Grional response" and it seems to fit.

But my beef with myself is that I force myself to have these thoughts when going through this "am i or Aren't I?" ritual. It makes me confirm to myself, that forcing these thoughts on myself means I've accepted them.

I know I've never harm, ANYONE, like that - But even as I'm typing this my mind's telling me "yes you would"

It's a rubbish situation and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

All I'm asking is that - is this my OCD playing Tricks with my mind? Or am I the thing I'm scared of being?

thanks for any help. Much appreciated.

Mon May 10 2010 2:12:51 #
Seandy
Member

Can I just say; it feels amazing to have it all out and typed out now

I kind of know I'm not this horrible thing - because before all this started I'd have never gave a child a second look or been actually scared of one before.

I read back all of what I said and a lot of it sounds really bad.

But at the end of the day I'm just an average 18 year old who wants to be normal - or as close to it as I can get.

I want to define myself I don't want my OCD to do it for me

and i bet all of you feel the same.

thanks a bunch for any help guys!

x

Mon May 10 2010 2:26:07 #
TL
Member

Hi.
I'm 16 and I know exactly how you feel. I recently quit babysitting these two boys I used to babysit because I was scared that I might do something to them. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself and I get so panicky and anxious around kids now. It is so hard to shake these thoughts, I know. I can't really offer any advice except to say that I totally understand what you're going through.

Mon May 10 2010 5:17:39 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Seandy,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a bad time at the moment. You say that you were diagnosed two years ago but did they provide any treatment? In any event you need to go back to your GP and explain what is happening and ask for a referral for treatment. At the moment CBT seems to be the treatment of choice for OCD.

All I'm asking is that - is this my OCD playing Tricks with my mind? Or am I the thing I'm scared of being?

It's OCD playing tricks on your mind. Most people get fleeting thoughts and are able to just deal with them immediately or ignore them. But OCD wont allow this, the thought just goes round and round in your head and you imagine the worst case scenario even though your logical side knows it to be untrue. OCD's a bully and will do everything it can to convince you that your worst fears have happened and the more you try to shake the thoughts the more they seem real.

You're not alone with this problem and with help you can progress.

Best wishes

Trudy

Mon May 10 2010 11:29:22 #
Seandy
Member

Thanks a lot for the responses.

I've never thought of OCD as a "bully" before; But it fits entirely.

I've had CBT over my Hair-OCD. but i really don't want to go to my GP about this.

I've read some horror stories of people being diagnosed with this as subconscious desires

It's hard to belive there's more than one person going through this

it's awful

thanks for the help and information though

Mon May 10 2010 20:54:22 #
Unregistered

Hello seandy I know exactly how you feel! Its horrible, you feel as if you are this completely different person!! I am only 20 and have had a baby 5 weeks ago which i love to bits and it kills me to have these thoughts i have been on sertraline 150 mg for 4 weeks now it has lifted my mood and helped with the anxiety and panic attacks. now im thinkin because i dont have the anxiety and panic attacks i must like these thoughts which i dont!! I hate this ocd it makes you constantly doubt yourself i never had these kind of thoughts before i love children and was so happy when i found out i was pregnant! when i was 13 i had HOCD and was convinced that i was going to be gay i can happily say now im straight! I hold on to that i came through ocd and will once again, think if we were these monster we would not be on this forum...and i know your ocd will be telling you that what if you are just doing this to convince yourself which it does to me your not trust me i was sexually abused when i was younger and them people didn,t have any remorse for what they had done they just done it. I hope people dont get offended by my post but i was just tryin to be as honest as i can. seandy if you need to speak to me im here

Wed May 12 2010 8:34:07 #
Unregistered

Blimey Laura, I didn't realise you were abused when you were younger. I cannot begin to fathom just how horrible that period must've been.

Seandy - I know how you feel. Luckily, at the moment, I'm in one of those remission phases where I can just feel nothing more or less at all. This type of OCD makes you think back to times such as these to continually check your behaviour. There was one time some years ago, long before being diagnosed with OCD where a baby touched me in a supermarket and then on the way home, I became curious and nearly ejaculated. I felt awful about this, but luckily I had someone to talk to, but it was horrible. For years, I thought I was a paedophile and 'Stop it Now' the charity pretty much thought so. I'm never calling them again, not unless they're made aware of OCD.

Anyway, you're okay. I conduct visual exposure which helps, where I imagine inappropriate sexual encounters. When you face it down, it doesn't get to you. Mind you though, knowing this OCD, it wouldn't surprise me if my mind adapts to all my CBT.

Giles

Thu May 13 2010 22:35:58 #
Seandy
Member

Hey guys (:

Thanks laura and Giles. you're giving great insite to this

I've got another question though

Groinal responses are said to lower lubido or sex drive

yes I have groinal responses but i found that my sex drive was higher, or just normal, although when i did make use of it, nothing wrong came to my mind or such, just your average stuff - Wrong stuff did come to my mind whe i told myself i wasn't thinking about it, shot myself in the foot there, But what i mean is, if these ARE groinal responses, shoudln't my sex drive die off? Or is this general misconseption?

Fri May 14 2010 12:43:45 #
Unregistered

Seandy - what you said about groinal awareness got me thinking back to my time in the LGB society at uni, where I had my first relationship (quite obviously with a man). I used to log onto the Onelife forums on the radio1 webpage and read topics about men who were gay, but still had feelings for women. The common response on the thread was that these feelings would dissipitate in time. This was something I really didn't want to hear, because I then thought I was a paedophile and my feelings for women would end "in time"

I still get a response when I'm close to a woman who's got a heated body and is soft, warm, submissive.....Sorry, me going off in a daydream. The common snag for me is that they're usually married to the bad boy.

Sun May 16 2010 13:11:07 #
Seandy
Member

I don't get it. Are you saying that this means i COULD be a paedo?

Or is it something that's only happening because i think of it?

Sun May 16 2010 15:43:29 #
Unregistered

Not what I'm say, but reading back on my response, thats the way it probably sounded. No, what I mean't was the situation with the homosexual thread on onelife, we as OCD sufferers interpret this to mean that we are pedo's and will eventually go this way (at least thats how I interpreted it)

Sun May 16 2010 21:46:27 #
Seandy
Member

ah right, I see now.

I know I'm not this horrible thing; but the OCD forces it on me that I am.

It's awful.

I'm just glad i found this place.

Sun May 16 2010 23:06:47 #
Unregistered

Its amazing how many people are on here now with this OCD - 6 months ago, there was just me and one other person, from what I can remember

Mon May 17 2010 18:05:07 #
Unregistered

Giles, I don't know how many people are contacting you privately, but because of my thread on this symptom, several have sent me PMs who have not written on the forum. I really think this is extremely common.

Wed May 19 2010 14:06:24 #
Unregistered

I've had a few PM's, but I've been too miserable to give them too much attention. Oh, and also procrastinating - I didn't know what that mean't till a few days ago. Plus I had a really bad thought today, which wasn't nice

Wed May 19 2010 16:19:26 #