Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Hello,
My name is clearly not A Suvorov, but I speak to you under this pseudonym because I do not feel I am able to open up to this extent under my genuine identity. I can divulge that I am an English Male, 18 years of age who has just been diagnosed with OCD, having suffered with these symptoms for about 9 years.
I appear to be at a pivotal stage in my life, my A2 exams are literally beginning tomorrow, and in August my family are moving from the house in which I have effectively spent my entire life. If I achieve the high grades expected of me by the universities I have applied for, I'll be leaving everything behind in September.
But strangely, the thought of this turmoil doesn't disturb me, when I imagine leaving my home never to return again, my mind simply goes blank. I never seem to worry about exams either, so far in my academic life I've been able to coast my education doing relatively little revision and yet still receiving favourable grades.
So whilst I don't fear academic failure, I still manage live in fear.
Some sufferers of OCD feel compulsions to protect others from danger out of responsibility, my particular brand of the disorder seems more selfish in nature.
You see, I live in fear of myself. When confronted with a perceived danger, I feel an overpowering compulsion to place myself in harm's way.
Although the conditions seem to me arbitrary. It is extremely difficult to illustrate my thoughts without going into specifics, so here goes:
(Before I begin, other sufferers of OCD may believe it is possible to 'pick up ideas' from reading others' accounts of their particular obsessional thoughts. I have stressed over this in the past, and it is one of the reasons I am reluctant to go into specifics. Having said this, this is almost certainly an irrational fear in itself, reading about other's experiences on this forum has given me nothing but added insight into the disorder.)
The latest and most debilitating of all my obsessional fears concerns driving. For over a year, I have been happily, and without incident, transporting myself in my car. But almost overnight, 4 weeks ago, I became unable to trust myself behind the wheel of a car, and have subsequently not driven since.
The reason for which is very specific; When driving a car with a manual transmission, it is possible to remove the key whilst in motion. This has the effect of shutting down all electronic functions in the vehicle, the lights will go off, the power steering will disengage, the brakes will lose hydraulic pressure becoming ineffective, the air bags will be inactive and the steering column will lock. This sequence of events makes a potentially fatal crash imminent unless the key is promptly returned to the ignition.
Having knowledge of the mechanical results of carrying out this action, when driving, I feel a tremendous urge to remove the key when I drive. Most disturbingly, I have not been able to suppress the compulsion. I have performed this action on two occasions, and on one of these occasions I nearly crashed into a hedge.
I carried on driving for several days after this event, suffering hugely from anxiety. Each evening before the drive to college the next morning, I felt convinced that there was a significant chance of causing a lethal traffic accident on my next journey.
I was able to delay getting back into the car for a day by having the horn repaired on the car as it was broken. I lied to my parents that I had a traumatic experience in the car due to somebody backing into me and my not being able to alert them of my presence.
This excuse gave me several days of lifts with my parents driving. These few added days felt like a God send, like I had been able to avoid certain death, it was almost euphoric.
But here I am, 4 weeks later, immobile due to a fear which I know is irrational. I fear that if I don't manage to overcome my compulsions by September I will never be able to drive again.
I also suffer from hideously disturbing visions and daydreams, in which I play out the terrible results of my compulsions. Interestingly, I also seem to be consistently dreaming about the act of driving, but in my dreams, it is never a traumatic experience as it is in reality.
In this period I have also seen earlier episodes rear their ugly head, all of which involve harming myself in some way, commonly through exploiting a perceived danger in a household appliance. For example I constantly find myself unplugging the toaster and switching the outlet off at the wall for fear I will purposefully insert a metal object. I have suffered, and still suffer from many similar worries but it disturbs me too greatly to illustrate them, even under my new found alias.
Throughout my life these worries come in waves, episodes spanning 6 or 7 weeks at a time. After which I may even forget about my previous obsessions all together and go back to worrying about normal teenager stuff.
The nature of this episode has caused my parents to send me to a prevalent CBT expert for consolations, privately. The thought that my ridiculous inability to cope with my intrusive thoughts is costing my parents financially is only adding to my problems.
Unfortunately, I am not finding the CBT part of these consultations useful. Although we have drawn up a plausible diagram of the thought processes which cause the distress. It seems to me that the actual treatment amounts to little more than the old fashioned 'face your fears' methodology.
So I have now been told to get back in the car for short journeys with the intention of building up slowly. I cannot even bring myself to leave the driveway at this stage, so I am already hitting a barrier to my treatment before it has even begun.
Thanks for reading this post, I apologise for the length, this entry is as much an act of self medication as a plea for advice and reassurance.
Yours,
A Suvorov.
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