Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Hi, this is my first post and I don't really know where to begin 
I've suffered on and off with obsessive worries since being a child, and am only now at almost 30 seeing a CBT therapist. For years, my fears centred around dying, and they got considerably worse after pregnancy etc. I've had fears that I'd die before certain ages (previously 16 and 26) and would look for "signs" to reassure me........but this backfired and I ended up obsessing over numbers and "omens", which have resulted in a very strong fear that "unseen forces" are showing me signs or encouraging fears about dying before the age of 36 now (plus some relating to my son and ex-husband) being somewhat religious throughout life, I naturally turned to my religion (Christianity) for comfort, but this has had the devastating effect of terrifying me into thinking anything remotely paranormal seeming is due to demons, plus the huge amount of apocalyptic literature thrown in and stories of the anti-Christ has produced massive anxiety!
Now, at present, I am struggling against all these fears which are backed up, in my mind, by a large number of uncanny coincidences which have seemed like "omens" or "messages" and countless tales by family and media of supernatural experiences, uncanny psychics, dreams, etc. What started as a fear of whether the future can be foretold (to reassure myself that ghosts/demons couldn't know that I'd die before a set age) has become an overwhelming dread of anything paranormal being real or proven! Yet I don't want to lose my religion by entirely convincing myself that the paranormal is all rubbish and the product of our clever brains and coincidence! I feel like I can't win!
Also, the last few months have been particularly turbulent.......I ended a marriage I was unhappy in and have moved in with a man I'm very much in love with and who I know feels the same way 
it's the kind of love I'd always wanted, but as with OCD there's always something to spoil your happiness While my boyfriend is very understanding of my fears as he's experienced something very similar, this also means that he also has a sensitive mind when it comes to being freaked out haha........he comes from a family who are into the spiritual side of things, especially his Mum, who are all lovely but very much of at way of thinking! Plus, what really upset me was him saying early on when we were together, was that he'd had experiences when family members (grandparents) had died.......he said his ex-wife saw a shadowy figure in their room, close to a time when he smelled a tobacco smell reminding him of his grandfather, then shortly after found he'd died.........and when his nanna died, he'd felt a twinge in his arm and shoulder in the night and worried about her as she'd suffer a heart attack a few months before, then returned home in the morning from work and heard a door close in the house and said he could smell Tiger Bread in the kitchen which reminded him of her......then later found she'd died in the night.
I managed to not obsess over these things too much as I'm well aware that people who are prone to this way of thinking can tie in anything and see "signs" everywhere, I should know because I've been obsessing over them for years myself! It's just really hard when other people mention similar things and seems to "validate" my deepest fears.......since being together, my boyfriend's also had the hardest time of his life, as his baby sister (16) died in august! It was very sudden, and we'd only been together a few months, but were living together by then........at the time he said he'd seen a shadowy figure that looked like her shape (though in the flat we live in there's a lot of shadowy spots and areas that catch the light in strange ways), and his sister said she'd felt breaths on her face that night like she had after their nanna died, and his mum went through a period of constantly saying how she'd dreamed of an owl (omen of death and also a favourite of his sister which is even on the headstone), had had visions when performing reiki, had been told by a psychic that his sister would be n hospital that year (she had a difficult chronic illness) and had seen black butterflies trying to enter the house on significant days afterwards along with other family members! Plus more besides........at the time, being ready to fight my OCD and sick of always being scared, I knew that being there to support the man I love was more important than running away and letting my fears ruin my life! I got through weeks of being in that environment constantly, viewing his sister's body, and being taken on a tour of her final steps to where she died by police, by reminding myself that grieving people will look for "signs" and significance everywhere! Plus, I knew that I couldn't let OCD win! How could I ever have a normal relationship if I have to vet whether someone may trigger fears that I hate having anyway!
Now, I'm about halfway through treatment and finding it hard I don't want to stop believing in God, or that life may go on, but I also don't want live in fear that seeing "signs" or warnings from beyond is commonplace!!! I'm trying to find a balance where i don't have to become an atheist to be rational and not see the paranormal everywhere! I've been through a lot with my OCD and it's never made me happy - it damaged the first year of bonding with my son due to crippling doubts over whether I could sexually or physically harm him or his sister, which was devastating, and it's had a gloomy grip over any happy future I want or desire. I'm so sick of it! I'm starting to panic whether I'll be lime this forever, and will end up having to end a relationship I'm so happy in because he might accidentally see the paranormal in things (he's well aware of my fears and really tries to help me, bless him), he says he thinks it's all rubbish but is a little freaked out by things he's noticed, but that's the way most people are wired in their brains, especially when their family constantly refers to it! He certainly doesn't seek it out in anyway!
I feel really happy and lucky, then the doubt creeps in (" He's thought he's witnessed paranormal things before! What if he really believes it? What if it's true? How can I be close to a man who believes in what I hugely fear?")..........then I give myself a shake and remind myself that it's his experiences that have helped him to understand me, and that if I avoid everyone who's ever wondered about the paranormal i'd have to live as a hermit! My own Mum's told some freaky stories ( she's prone to exaggeration, mind!) yet I can't live my life not being close to her! If my OCD had it's way I'd likely live in a box and have no life.....yet what would be the point of not living in order to avoid death???!!!!!!????
Sorry for rambling, i'd really appreciate your views and support.......this is such an isolating illness xxxxxxxx thanks xxxxxxxx
xxxxxx
) it certainly helps to have others with such a great attitude 
- New post in forum
- Topic post
- New post in topic
- Announcement, important
- Support Question
- Resolved Support Question
- Locked topic
- Hot topic
