OCD Action

lioness
Member

Hi everyone,

I've not been here in a while as I was doing well and although it sounds really selfish, I can't read other peoples posts sometimes as I know it will set me off but I do try to read them when I can. Anyway, the last week I have had another OCD flare up and its been several different things that keep changing round. The thing that is really scaring me is that becuase I've had these obsessions on and off for such a long time, they don't seem to cause the same amount of anxiety anymore as they did, so now I'm getting anxious about the fact I'm not as anxious as I was. Does this mean that these thoughts are going to come true now, I couldn't bear it ? Could someone without OCD have a horrible thought and not get really anxious but still know it won't come true? Even though I hate being anxious, to me its like a reassurance in a really weird way that I know none of it will happen because I'm so anxious about it. I still am anxious, its just that I have learnt to accept these thoughts as just thoughts more so I don't tend to have a full on panic but now I've developed this anxiety over how anxious I am getting. I would actually rather live my life in complete anxious and mental torment then ever have any of these thoughts happen. Is there something wrong with me?

Mon Oct 5 2009 12:51:41 #
lioness
Member

I keep crying

Mon Oct 5 2009 13:26:11 #
stevieb
Member

Hello lioness

I know its horrible to be tormented by such thoughts, and to be reduced to tears. I get upset quite often, but not due to OCD, just to the fact that I'm a lonely person. But I still understand what its like to feel that way, whatever the reason.

And no, there's nothing wrong with you, other than being plagued with the OCD curse, like the rest of us on here.

And if your anxieties are getting less, it does not mean that they are going to come true. If you stop fretting about something, that will not make it more likely to happen, as you can't truly prevent something from happening by worrying about it. If something is meant to happen, then it will, worry or not.

I think what you're experiencing is just another OCD con, it is making you think that your fears are going to come true because you worry less about them. It is marvellous if your anxieties are less, but such a shame if OCD finds another way to trip you up like that. Its just the chain-link effect; one worry leads to another, and one solution raises another anxiety.

So if your anxieties are less, then keep it that way, and work on making them even less. Don't cave in to the notion that it means someting sinister. It doesn't, its just another OCD trick, so take no notice of it.

I hope that this all makes sense to you, lioness, and that you can feel better again.

Best wishes,
Steve x

Mon Oct 5 2009 23:29:39 #
lioness
Member

Thanks steve, I know what you are saying is right really, but there is always that element of doubt. I go through this pattern with my ocd that I should recognize by now, what happens is my stress or anxiety levels rise over a time when my ocd is not so prominent and then the OCD comes out in force again. It can be an old obsession that comes back or something new but I know its ocd as usually over the course of a few days or even hours I can almost feel my OCD desperately trying to latch onto anything that will upset me. I have got so much better at ignoring thoughts and so sometimes can stop them developing into a full on obsession but the OCD always seems to win somewhere, like it thinks "Right I can't get you with this so I'll try this instead" and keeps going until I cave in and start becoming obsessed with something.

I try really hard not to do any "checking" but I have a form of mental checking which is harder to notice myself doing sometimes. I found myself thinking about old obsessions and various obsessions I have now and trying to work out how they make me feel. So I'll think of them in turn and then try and work out the difference of anxiety I have, the theory being that if I feel really anxious about some and then not so much abother another one then that must mean it isn't really ocd and these things are true. I know thats a form of mental checking which I'm finding it hard not to do. I remember when I first got OCD I used to cry all the time and cry myself to sleep shaking and worrying. Now I think I have had most of my obsessions such a long time they seem to have lost some of the power they had to make me petrified, its like I can accept it is OCD more, but not fully. So now I almost wish I could go back to shaking and crying myself to sleep because that proved to me it was OCD, now I keep thinking "What if its not", but I suppose that is just the OCD trying to find another way to get to me. I'm just sick of feeling like I am managing one minute and then feeling totally distraught the next. I feel sick today and can't eat because I'm just so scared about the way I feel, I just want these thoughts to go.

Tue Oct 6 2009 17:32:04 #
stevieb
Member

Hello lioness. How are you feeling today?

I understand what you're saying about the OCD tricks, about it trying to latch on to your thoughts and find something to make you obsess. Best thing is not to give it ANY leeway at all, because its like picking at a wound which was healing, but you've made it bleed again. I do this quite a lot with my OCD, then I think to myself "how stupid, I'd be alright if I'd left it alone." But it takes immensewillpower not to pick at little things which OCD nags us about.

I think I know what you mean about us thinking that something is true, rather than OCD. But this is often another of its tricks, or it is something OCD can certainly use against us. Like if we're not sure whether a thought is just an irrational OCD one, or whether the thought may actually be true, we obsess about this, because OCD has taken up on it. If it really is a genuine thought, then OCD can twist it and complicate it, make it harder to rationalize and deal with.

Its also true what you say about OCD thinking 'right, that isn't working anymore, so I'll try something else.' You've hit the nail on the head with that one, that's exactly how it works. But try and see it as an advancement, as progress, don't think that you want to go back to crying and shaking, and not able to sleep. That would be a step back again. When OCD decides to try another trick, because its old one won't work on you anymore, that's progress for you, and a kick in the teeth for your OCD.

Then when it tries to trip you up with something else, ignore it again, so it can't get you with that one either. It will try something else, particularly when your guard is down. So beware, it won't give up without a fight! But I mean this to be positive, because if you can continue to control your anxieties, not let OCD give you anymore new ones, then eventually it will get desperate. That's probably when it may be at its most dangerous, and when you need to have your guard up even more so than at any other time.

It will twist, torment, and scream at you in its desperation to get you again somehow, and even in its dying throes, it will try one or two more dirty tricks, but you can't cave into it. Then eventually, it will be no more. I call that the 'starvation' tactic.

Yes, this is immenselyhard to do, but I have great faith in that method, it is what I try to use, and I feel I've just turned a new corner with it, at dealing with my own intrusive thoughts.

I hope you can feel much better, lioness, try and relax more, as that can help you to rationalize thoughts and obsessions, and try to eat, as the mind does work better on a full belly. lol

It is awful that this thing is making you ill, but try not to let it, its just OCD being a bully. Try to show it the same ruthlessness that it has shown you, give it the 'ole two fingers. It will take continued time and effort, but it would be a shame for you to go backwards now, when you have already made such good progress.

I hope this all helps you, lioness, and that you feel much better.

Best wishes,
Steve x

Wed Oct 7 2009 0:03:14 #
Unregistered

Dear Lioness, I've doing something I never normally do, I'm replying to a thread without reading through all the messages first. I just don't have the time, but I wanted to write the following, which may be of no help, and apologies to Steve if I'm repeating anything he said.

With my intrusive thoughts, which at times used to actually make me sick, I have become so much better. More because contamination fears have taken over than any therapy working, I believe. However, they make a reappearance at times, some of the thoughts are awful, but none usually distress me in the way they did. For example, a few weeks ago I had an dreadful thought about a family member. At the time I thought I had learned how to deal with the thoughts and that's why I reacted as I did. Later in the day I was distressed by my lack of reaction and immediately thought I'd become a rather callous person, not to be shocked etc. Because I wasn't so stressed I wondered if I was capable of putting the thought into action. It seems our OCD has many forms of attack.

Love, Tricia.

Wed Oct 7 2009 13:35:12 #
lioness
Member

Thank you Tricia and Steve for your replies, it means a lot and is really very helpful to me. My brain is in a muddle today so I really can't say anything more but I will come back and reply properly soon. Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your help. xxx

Thu Oct 8 2009 12:38:30 #
lioness
Member

I went out today and it was a struggle, I did try to enjoy myself but I wasn't really feeling very happy and was quite anxious. I had this stupid thought before I went out that "What if I just blurt something discusting or weird out in public", I know it was OCD and it came from nowhere but at one point I was convinced I was going to tell everyone I am a psychopath or something (which I'm not), and was imagine the looks of horror on everyones faces, it wasn't nice . I literally felt at one point I was going to shout it out so that everyone could hear and thought I would lose all the people that care about me because they'd think I'm so weird and discusting. I mean why would I just blurt out something that isn't even true, I guess I wouldn't but the OCD was trying to tell me I would. I am struggling at the moment, there is more but I can't talk about it right now, I just feel very sad and anxious.

Fri Oct 9 2009 19:53:23 #
Unregistered

Lioness, for years I have felt I would do that. I refer to the fear as my âTourette's' but in forty years it still hasn't happened. I was always worse in a crowded place, especially where it's quiet, like a church or classical concert. I felt sure I would suddenly shout out blasphemous words in church, and all kinds of things during a quiet passage in a concert.

I read about paradoxical intention, where a therapist encourages people like us to deliberately shout out the things we fear we will blurt out or to act out violent thoughts. Of course, when OCD sufferers try to behave like that they can't, and the whole situation seems utterly ridiculous and even amusing (difficult to believe when it can cause such pain and stress, I know).

I would bet everything I own that you will never say any of the things you fear you will. I hope you feel much better soon.

Tricia x

Sat Oct 10 2009 15:45:01 #
lioness
Member

Thank you Tricia, I think what you mentioned might help, I have sometimes thought "Go on then do it, right now" about some of my obsessions and I never did, ironically the anxiety would start to fade a bit then. I think it is the meaning I am putting to these thoughts as well of which I know there is none and it is my OCD, but its hard not to sometimes. The worst part of all is that I feel so alone with my OCD. My family know I suffer from it, they couldn't help but notice when my cleaning obsessions were at their worst, but they haven't read up on OCD and just think it is all to do with contamination or checking things. The only person that knows about some of my worst pure o type obsessions is me and I just feel desperately alone that I have nobody to talk to. I have never even been to the doctor about my OCD because I know I have it 100% and have managed just about without meds for now. It goes into periods of "remission" but these periods are getting closer together and there are many more flare ups then there used to be. I have had some counselling a few times and mentioned OCD but I feel I can never mention the things that really upset me. The things I feel ok talking about such as cleaning and checking barely affect me anymore. To be honest, sometimes I wish I could have them back as getting over them meant new obsessions took their place. I think I must have had almost every kind of OCD fear there is now. This is the only place I can come to talk about how I feel so sorry if I am waffling on, I just feel I might have a breakdown if I don't talk about it sometimes.
I read your mouse post Tricia, sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed at the moment, I really do hope things improve for you soon, take care xx

Sun Oct 11 2009 20:04:18 #
Unregistered

Lioness, the worst thing I ever did was to keep quiet about my pure âO' (for twenty years). Like you, I discussed my checking and contamination fears, but never had the courage to tell anyone about the intrusive thoughts.

This is probably one of the most isolating illnesses there is, and, for me, the intrusive thoughts were the worst. It sounds as though you feel the same. I really would encourage you to ask for help, because nothing you say will shock someone trained in treating OCD.

I became friendly with a young lady on this forum and I plucked up the courage one day to tell her some of my thoughts. I really admire this person and I did not want to lose her friendship, but felt this was likely when I âconfessed'. It turned out she had almost identical thoughts to mine and I can't tell you the difference this made to me.

I certainly don't want to push you, but if ever, at any time, you want to discuss your thoughts more, you can send me a PM or e-mail. I promise I won't judge you and I won't be shocked.

Mice are keeping a low profile, but I dare not say they've all gone yet! I still feel that the house is contaminated, but I'm slowly cleaning it.

Tricia x

Mon Oct 12 2009 14:26:53 #
lioness
Member

Thank you Tricia, it does mean alot to have the replies from people on here, it definitely makes us all feel less alone. I am feeling "slightly" better today, I'm hoping it might stay that way but who knows, I guess we all just have to keep going, what other choice do we have.
I am going to ask the doctor about CBT which I hope might help, I guess I thought I could do it alone for a long time but it seems I can't.
If I feel a little braver sometime I would like to pm you so thank you for the offer. The same goes for you, we are all suffering the same and can all help each other out, so even though you probably know much more about OCD then me, I will be happy to listen anytime you are feeling stressed or down. Take care xx

Tue Oct 13 2009 15:17:08 #
stevieb
Member

HelloTricia.

My mouse kept me awake for some time on Sunday night. I could hear it moving about, and I found it very difficult to relax properly. I put the light on at one point, but didn't see it. I looked in every corner of the room, even under the bed, but no sign. Then as soon as I turned off the light and lay down again, it started scuffling about in the dark again! And it still failed to get itself snared by any of the traps I've put down. I'll get the little s*d somehow.

Other than that, I hope you are okay.

Hello lioness. Its a good idea to ask your doctor about CBT, I found it helped me quite a lot. I'm glad you're feeling better, and hope you can continue that way.

Best wishes, both.

Steve xx

Tue Oct 13 2009 22:03:48 #
Unregistered

Lioness, You have the right attitude! We don't have any choice and have to battle on the best we can. I'm glad you are looking into CBT. That's fine, just know you can write any time, and thank you for your offer, too.

Sorry the little blighter's still on the loose, Steve. I'm not tempting fate, don't want to say too much about mine. Maybe I have a guardian angel after all, but not relaxing just yet!

Tricia x

Wed Oct 14 2009 14:07:40 #
lioness
Member

My OCD is much better then it was I am pleased to say but probably only because I have suddenly developed obsessive health fears. I would still rather have these then some of the other intrusive thoughts I was having. I have been trying not to google my symptoms (headaches and funny eyes) because I know it will come up with brain tumours and things. If it gets worse I will go to the doctor. Thanks so much for the replies everyone, it really helped me through that awful flare up. Take care xxx

Sun Oct 18 2009 16:03:58 #
Unregistered

Lioness, I'm glad you are faring better. Coincidentally, when my intrusive thoughts eased I became concerned about my health. I also had headaches and I even made plans for my family after my death. I was sure I had a brain tumour!

Tricia x

Mon Oct 19 2009 14:03:29 #