OCD Action

Citaloman
Member

I'm really sorry to do this again, but I'm really scared and so tired of this now. I will admit I was feeling a little better but I worry that the better I get I will just persuade myself that I haven't done anything wrong.

My ex girlfriend I miss so much, she used to listen and then make me feel safe, we still text and she says that my rational side will start to take over more and more the better I get.

When I walk around the park I think "you wouldn't need to think twice" but the thing my brain rested on is so scary to me. To others it may be nothing.

I thought at first that I had poked my niece and then I thought something else. I remember everything from my life but was only 18 months ago in 2009 when I first thought of it.

I am so scared I will never be loved again by anyone again, how do you explain this and also how do you know you not lying to them. I couldn't bare be in a relationship with anyone else and feel like I was leading a double identity.

I walked for 2 hours in the snow yesterday and felt a bit positive but today it's all gone. I pray and pray that something will happen to help me either way. Either end it for me or let me be ok.

I keep thinking if I hadn't got past the poking worry and onto this I would still be worrying about that and not the other thing. It's all so illogical.

I'm going back to work on Wednesday and I'm worried about that too I think.

I have a need to do good to such an extent that I would donate my organs to at least give others a good life.

I feel so worthless and I'm not sure who I am.

Week 5 on flu this week. The need to be loved is so intense for me to exist. I cannot be alone for the rest of my life. I just can't. I asked my therapist "would you need to think twice" and she said what do you think.

Stuck in a doorway.com really scares me as its so abrasive in its approach.

Can OCD make you feel things are so real.

I'm
Sorry but I have no where to go apart my mums arms.

Sun Feb 5 2012 17:25:06 #
Truddles
Member

Sorry that you're feeling so low, I'm off to bed but will write tomorrow.

Tue Feb 7 2012 0:17:56 #
Mike
Member

I will write tomorrow as well. Hang in there Citaloman, you have gotten through the last few weeks and you can get through another bad day. Just remember that things will not stay like this forever. OCD waxes and wanes, and since you're taking medication and doing CBT, you have great chances to get better.

A quick question though, what was your starting dose of fluoxetine, and has your doctor increased it yet? Are you having any issues with side effects?

P.S. I know this may not help now, but when I was in my crisis a year and a half ago, I found something that always seemed to give me strength, and reminded me that I could get through anything. It's the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley. He wrote it while going through his own personal struggle. I especially like the last verse.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Tue Feb 7 2012 0:25:12 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Mike -

that is a beautiful poem. IIRC pop group The Byrds named a song of theirs after the closing line.

Hi Citaloman -

I feel sorry for you, and hang on in there, man, you're so much worth it, despite OCD telling you otherwise. I repeat Mike's question: for how long, and in what dose have you been taking Fluoxetine? Indeed, the combined approach of medication and CBT is a good one, generally speaking. (I say: generally, because in my case CBT would raise some specific questions within me - it's different for everyone, and a good therapist can decide on the what, where, and when, so to speak).

And: there are some highly specific adjunct forms of medication, that may counteract the negative ruminating in OCD patients. I don't know whether you take one of them, or ever contemplated doing so. You might bring this topic up with your GP or CBT therapist.

Praying for your well-being, best from Holland,

Cuthbert.

Tue Feb 7 2012 9:00:06 #
aishah
Member

Hi Citaloman,

How are you feeling today, better I hope. I empathise with you, when you're in the grips of OCD at it's worst it can seem like it will never get better.

It will get better once your medication starts taking effect, and I agree with Cuthbert that maybe an additional medication may help you.

It takes time but you will get there.

I hope you feel better soon.

Take Care
Bridget

Tue Feb 7 2012 10:16:07 #
Citaloman
Member

I swapped from 40mg of citalopram 5 weeks ago to fluoxetine. The first week I was on 20mg then moved up to 40mg. So it's been 4 weeks at 40mg.

I am so scared, everything is so real. I have had one other thought recently about a friends child and that I Flicked him in the crotch. I was able to see that one coming and it doesn't bother me. As I know I haven't done it, but this one that I thought in 2009 has flaired up again and I can't see it as the same. Can our brains lie to us like this?!

I have to go back to work tomorrow and deal with all the "are you ok" stuff.

Then drive home probably pulling over to cry. I can't loose my job, it's who i am.

Please tell me you wouldn't need to think twice.

I get no pleasure from these thoughts, nothing moves etc. I'm so alone even though I have family. My ex said your rational side will come into play more and more very soon. But I don't want to be lying to her.

She was like my best friend for 10 years, loosing her is like loosing a sister.

The thing I thought after the poke was worse, but it had two strands, I worry now that as it was more detailed it must be true.

My brain keeps finding ways to prove me guillty, I look at pictures to see if I recall worrying about this then.

The weird thing is this morning I woke up at 7:30am feeling ok and thinking no you didn't do that, you wouldn't need to think twice. But then the fear sets in.

You people are so nice to me. You are all I have.

Thankyou.

Tue Feb 7 2012 10:48:17 #
ocd_mum
Member

Hi Citaloman,

Keep taking the fluxotine - give it time to work - my son who is only 17yrs was given fluxotine he started on 20mg increasing to 40mg after a month then 2 months later 60mg, he also suffered/suffers from intrusive thoughts, and the guilt you are feeling is prove that you are not capable of the thoughts- stay strong and you will get better, one book that really helped was 'Imp of the Mind'

Stay strong
ocd mum

Tue Feb 7 2012 11:02:12 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Citaloman -

great to see you reply so soon. My thoughts on your medication: any changeover to another type of medication will produce some unexpected side effects (even if they belong to the same class). If they all would act exactly the same, there would have been no reason to develop more that just one (which is at any rate a very costly and time-consuming process - even for the oft-vilified pharmaceutical industry).

Second: you're on a medium dose of fluoxetine for 4 weeks. The point in time where it takes full effect varies from person to person, and that variation may be considerably. On general, I guess some 4 to 6 weeks may be the norm, but it can last up to months, I've come across time lags (after the first intake, I mean) of 2 to 4 months. There really is no rule of thumb here. And there's always the possibility to step up to 60 mg a day.

As I said, a very small dose of an adjunct medicine might be beneficial in your case. It could mean: more serenity in mood, less mood swings, and less of a feeling that the brain 'is too fast, with trains of thought stumbling over each other, clouding rational thinking and recall of memories of recent events and observations'. Research articles report that in OCD, there is no, or insignificant loss of essential memory; some people may show deficits in spatial memory. But from what I read here from others, and from my own experience, that 'clouding' that I described above is the first candidate for modifying our (my) memory of very recent happenings (such as in checking obsession).

Hope this helps a bit and wishing you all the best,

Cuthbert.

Tue Feb 7 2012 11:39:42 #
Mike
Member

Hi Citaloman -

How many CBT appointments have you had? What kind of things have you been doing with your therapist?

Mike

Tue Feb 7 2012 16:34:58 #
Citaloman
Member

I have had 2 and we have identified the circle of processes my head goes through. Reassurance seeking etc, which I have halved by 50%. I have a GP appointment Friday and I may suggest going up to 60mg. This isn't a life. I have another CBT appointment tomorrow but she scares me a little, but I think it's as she knows I seek reassurance. The last CBT I had was shocking in 2009. "their just thoughts they can't hurt you" "this is our last session, bye.!"

Tue Feb 7 2012 17:13:45 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Citaloman -

just caught your last post in time (got to log off soon). Your report on your CBT from 2009 is pretty scary - gathering from these two quotes, your problems got done away with in a lazy, offhand manner, very unbecoming for a professional in the field. I would even say: those remarks were counterproductive.

It is good to hear that you were able to halve your attempts at seeking reassurance. A real achievement.

Believe me: you are on the right way. You're fighting a good battle here, in depressing circumstances. And you'll make progress, I am convinced of that.

Hang on in there, and I'll pray for you,

Cuthbert.

Tue Feb 7 2012 18:00:19 #
Citaloman
Member

Thankyou Cuthbert.

Tue Feb 7 2012 18:34:56 #
Mike
Member

I agree, the "it's just thoughts" mantra is nothing but an attempt to give reassurance, which we know is counterproductive. I can't believe a CBT therapist would say something like that to an OCD patient. As OCD sufferers, we know most of the time that our thoughts are irrational, that we probably didn't do what we fear, that we probably won't do what we fear, etc. In other words, we often know that they're "just thoughts". But clearly that doesn't make the anxiety go away.

I've been reading up on CBT and it seems that the #1 most supported form of treatment is ERP, and #2 is cognitive therapy WITH behavioral experiments. I think if a supposed CBT therapist does not do at least one of these (preferably ERP), then he/she is not really a CBT therapist.

Tue Feb 7 2012 21:25:31 #