OCD Action

Ellie
Member

Hi there, I´m new to this forum and to any sort of OCD group-am abit nervous,I don´t know why???
Have had OCD since childhood but in a subtle not too distressing way,it sort of got worse when I met my,now,husband...funnily enough it disappeared when I had my first child,and I can honastly say that I lived in pure bliss for 18 months....however it returned with a bang on my second pregnancy (4 years ago) and has been with me ever since.
I have good days and bad days....and to the outside world I am just a busy,jokey,happy go lucky mum...the only people who know I have OCD are my husband and brother.....When the thoughts come I feel like the worst person in the world,I feel so guilty and ashamed,so repulsed. I silently tell myself that I am a good person and that these are just OCD thoughts but as everyone with OCD knows,when the thoughts come they feel so real it´s scary.
I resigned myself to the fact that I will have OCD forever but recently have been thinking otherwise..I want to be OCD free again,I want to feel safe and happy and feel like the good person that I believe I am,so am on a self help mission and am going to try to beat this. Am hoping that by joining some online support groups that I will start to feel less alone and less scared.
I would really like to hear from other mums who have OCD too, as of yet I cannot bring myself to even write let alone say what kind of thoughts I have but if you are a mum you probably have guessed what they are. Hope to hear from some of you soon xxx
P.S forgot to mention that I don´t live in an English Speaking country so for the moment my only hope is self help.

Thu May 27 2010 20:40:57 #
Unregistered

Sorry Ellie, I am not a mum just a devoted auntie but goodluck, you can do it.

Thu May 27 2010 21:56:29 #
trish
Member

hi ellie im a mum and believe me i know how u feel u hav come 2 the right place this forum is so supportive id hav been lost without it i cant even talk 2 my fiance about most of my ocd jst the bits im not embarrased about like u im determined 2 help myself through books ocd sites and soon am gonna give self help cd a go see if that helps its only quite resently i figured out that it could be ocd thats making me think this way as long as i can remember iv had intrusive thoughts that have sent me in2 deep depression i used 2 think i was this evil horrible person well thankgod now i know different pm me any time u need 2 talk i know what ur going through all the best trish

Fri May 28 2010 15:08:55 #
Seandy
Member

Ellie. I'm only 18 years old and I've not had the life experience of perhaps yourself, being a mother.

I'll sum it up for you in one paragraph though.

You're an amazing caring mother, for getting help in such an upfront way. your anxiety and the fact that these thoughts scare you, shows that you can't be this thing you feel you are. I know the thoughts you have and I'm not a mother, I'm male actually,but I've became you could say, a victim, to the same thoughts through such an obscure way. At the end of the day, Ellie; you know you'd never act on them, and until you can get some CBT(which is being a bit hypocritical since I've not went for some myself), you just need to keep telling yourself that. Remember. Your thoughts and actions do not own you. as I've seen said many times on this forum, OCD is nothing but a bully. It'll bully your mind, and even your body (especially if you're male) into making you believe what it wants to tell you.

Hang on in there and keep positive, because at the end of the day, you're a mother and a wife. And Although I'll never have children, I can imagine how far your love for your children far outweighs your, what you perhaps perceive as desires?

You're just a Normal person, with a tortured mind.

People with annorexia torture their bodies because They don't belive they deserve to be pampered or loved.

People with OCD batter their own mind, with the same thought process's. You can force feed someone but you can't force thoughts on someone. I guess I just realised that right now as I typed it; so here's hoping good luck to both of us >_<

Take care,

Sean

Sun May 30 2010 0:25:35 #
Ellie
Member

Thanks to everyone for their such lovely and welcoming messages. I just wrote a reply only for it to be deleted when I hit the send button...so here I go again....
Sean thanks for your lovely words, they brought a smile to my face and were really uplifting-thank you.
I hope you can find some strength yourself in the message that you sent me. I always tell myself that everyone has their "Cross", and this is mine.I´ll get through it though....A really bad CBT therapist once asked me what I would do if I won the lottery and I couldn´t answer him because honastly all I want is to be OCD-free. (don´t know why I mentioned that,just seemed appropriate :?)
Thanks again and stay strong ,positive and busy. xxxxx

Tue Jun 1 2010 15:38:20 #
lucyloo
Member

Hi Ellie,

Yes I have OCD & postnatal OCD which I feel I am finally coming out of now (touch wood) I have to say I know those dark thoughts you have and it was horrendous for me for a long time. CBT has helped a great deal. ODC is a nasty bully just remember that, it's like a child screaming in back of the car looking for attention and some days you cant cope with it and other days you can block it out. There is hope for you. I wish you all the luck in the world.
xxxxxx

Wed Jun 2 2010 10:55:26 #
Ellie
Member

Hi Lucyloo...thanks for your lovely message,I´m really glad that your post natal OCD seems to be subsiding-I wish I had gotten some treatment when mine returned with my second pregnancy but as I mentioned in an earlier post I don´t live in an English speaking country so my hands are tied really when it comes to getting proper CBT.
I have really good days where I am so busy my head spins and I don´t give myself time for the thoughts but then something will just happen like my daughter´s teacher picking on her or even a glimpse of the news and the thoughts come back with a bang.I try to control them with meditation,relaxation Cds, reading things like that. Today I went to the beach with my husband (something I never do without kiddies) and just chilled and meditated for 2 hours and it worked wonders
How did your CBT go? What did it involve? Would love to hear more about your recovery. Thanks again for your lovely message, stay strong. xxxx

Wed Jun 2 2010 20:28:18 #
lucyloo
Member

It must be hard living in another country Ellie, it must make it even more difficult especially if you don't have your family and friends close to hand . Have you recently moved there?

It's good that you are meditating. and taking time out. I find that when I am tired or stressed or have PMT it gets worse and I have to remember to look after myself a bit better. Also diet is possibly a factor for me.

I recently finished my group CBT, I didn't ever explain my problems in great depth but could usually use the techniques to fit my problem, I could always talk one to one with my Group leader who took the class and who also has OCD. I am currently seeing him with a few one to one sessions now just to see how things are going.

The CBT involved some mindfulness excercises which is alot like meditation where you try to foucus on the here and now and catch your mind going off on a tangent. But over all it was about the 4 steps by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz (http://ocdtreatmentreviews.com/What-Is-OCD/ocddisorderandfourstepsofcbt.php) retraining our minds to think in a different way and challenging and reconising these unwanted thoughts and seeing them for what they really are.... Just thoughts, that everybody has, but we just choose to attach some meaning to them while other "normal" people don't give them a second thought. It's because we are good, conscientious people that we think this way.

At my lowest point I managed to seek help even though I thought there may be a risk of my daughter being taken away from me (OCD thought) but was lucky enough to have a good husband and mother and GP.

My GP didn't reconise it as OCD, she thought more postnatal depression, but I would search the web but somehow the symptoms for this would not match mine. I felt very alone. I had a few free councelling sessions at my surgery which helped me to off load a bit, but only really for reassurance, it didn't help in the long term. I was then referred to a Psychiatrist who reconised it as OCD (i didn't believe I had it as I thought OCD was about washing hands and checking locks, which I didn't do) He put me on the list for CBT and while I was waiting for this I saw a Psycosexual therapist to help with my relationship with my partner which helped a bit in that area with some of the thoughts I was having. Once I started the CBT I gradually realised that it was OCD, that that I have probably had this most of my life but just thought I was a worrier.

I think understanding OCD and talking to people who have it helps a great deal.
I still have bad days, but the time in-between the bad days gets longer. So I have many great days. Sometimes if I have a thought that I start to worry about I can sometimes say to myself "I am just going to put this to one side and see if it's still worrying me later" and I can sometimes then put it into perspective when I come back to it.

I seem to be improving on the main problem I sought help for as I have worked hard on this. It;s just itentifing other OCD thoughts that pop up that may have been about for years or even new ones, and working on those also.

Its taken me a whole 2 years to get to this stage from when this initial problem popped up. It's been a journey and I hope that i continue to improve.

And I hope that you are able to seek the help you need Ellie. In the meantime these forums are a great help, and understanding abut your OCD could also help perhaps.

I with you lots of luck xxxx

Thu Jun 3 2010 22:04:17 #
Ellie
Member

Hi Lucyloo...thanks for your message. We emigrated a few years back with parents so am lucky that I have some family here. I am well integrated into the community,have made a few friends so life´s not that bad in that respect.
However I do miss having the option of going to a therapist-before we moved I sought help at home and I would love to go and see that therapist again,she was lovely.
I completely relate to you when you say that you have bad days and good days and the good days are GREAT...me too. On these great days I do get intrusive thoughts but I seem to be able to handle them better. Thankfully there are more good days than bad and when I feel myself getting low or bluesy as I like to call it I get outside to the park or beach and let the fresh air work it´s magic
Thanks again for the post,it´s really reassuring when you know you are not alone with this tyoe of OCD. xxx

Tue Jun 8 2010 20:24:33 #
kittyinthecity
Member

Hi Ellie,
I'm a new mum and I suffered from OCD during pregnancy and it got a lot worse after my daughter was born. So bad that I ended up in a mother and baby unit for 8 weeks. At first I could hardly bear to talk about my thoughts. I was worried everyone would think I was a pervert or a danger and that they would take my baby away from me. I also thought that they must mean something otherwise why would I think them? I had some CBT as well as Olanzepine and Sertraline which all helped but over a year on I was still finding myself troubled very regularly by these unpleasant thoughts. Just recently I've started going to CBT again and I've found out that a surprising number of mums suffer from these exact horrible thoughts. I didn't think that could be possible! The therapist also told me that it's not the thoughts that are the problem as everyone has them from time to time. She even sent around a survey to the other therapists in the building (its NHS), all of whom had intrusive thoughts sometimes and one very similar to mine. I couldn't believe the therapists themselves would think horrible things sometimes. Apparently the difference with OCD is that you attach some meaning to the thought eg 'I think this so it must mean I'm a bad person' and apparently OCD has a habit of latching itself in some hideous way on to the thing you love the most. I know you're relying on self help at the moment so I'd like to recommend the book "Overcoming OCD" - I haven't read it cover to cover but it helped me see that other people were having similar thoughts to me which was very comforting. Take heart, Kittyx

Sun Jul 11 2010 20:59:54 #