OCD Action

willow
Member

Hi thought i would introduce myself. I have had ocd really badly for the last year. I have always had a tendancy to display ocd type behaviour. When i was at uni i would check, check and recheck my work and then get others to check it. But it was controllable and didn't take over my life. However, about two years ago i had a baby boy who is extremely disabled. I thought during the pregnancy something was wrong and drove my family and husband to dispair with my constant worry but i was told it would be fine and all of the scans came back fine. But when my boy was born he wasn't breathing. we spent nearly a year in hospital and he has been diagnosed with a very limiting and life shortening syndrome. Since we came out of hospital my ocd has gone into overdrive. i am constantly cleaning wiping with anti bacterial wipes and scared that everything i touch, come into contact with is contaminated. I use to think it was to do with protecting my boy but now i will do it even when he is in respite and no where near our home. I struggle to get out of the house and my husband is at the point where he can't carry on. thanks for reading this

Tue Jan 10 2012 10:07:25 #
Tess
Member

Hi willow
Just want to say a big welcome to the forum. Unfortuntely I don't have time to chat now and my computer is just going in for repair so I have had to borrow my husband's - but your story is so similar to my own. I am now very much older than you but I too went to uni, got married straight after graduating and two years later had a baby boy - and then OCD struck big time. By the time he was 18 months old I was spending every waking moment cleaning and it became more and more difficult to have anyone into the house and I would hide and pretend I wasn't in if anyone knocked on the door. So I know exactly what you are going through. My husband's only respite was his work and each evening as he approached the house his heart would sink as he heard the vaccuum cleaner.
You don't say if you are having any treatment for your OCD but it's vital that you seek help, this condition is treatable but you need to get help now before it gets any worse. I suggest you have a good look round this website and learn what help and support is available as a start. This is a safe and friendly place so please stay with us.

Tue Jan 10 2012 11:15:19 #
Mike
Member

Hi Willow,

It sounds like what may have happened is that the OCD part of your mind saw your child's disability as "proof" that your excessive worrying during the pregnancy was warranted, and now the OCD is using that information to make you continue to feel the need to ritualistically clean and disinfect everything, to prevent future health problems among you or your loved ones. There is great treatment out there for OCD, including exposure and response prevention therapy, medication, and cognitive therapy. If I were you I would be proactive in finding a good therapist who has experience using cognitive behavioral therapy for OCD, and a good psychiatrist to see if medications might help. But I would try the therapy first, since there's no solid evidence that medications are any better than exposure therapy alone. And I'm very sorry to hear about your trouble with these issues.

-Mike

Tue Jan 10 2012 19:58:48 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Willow, me too, I have to resist the need to clean all the time too...
The thing is, we actually need germs around us... Good germs to help us, and bad germs to give the good germs something to do to get strong.
Logically, if we do what the soap manufacturers say, and kill off 99.9% of the germs, we are knocking out a hell of a lot of good germs too, which makes our world too sterile. Your little one developed inside you, as protected as needed to get into the world, the disability is not your fault... It isn't your fault... What you have, is a bundle of joy to have fun with, for as long as they stay with you in the world. It is not your fault...
I too have to try not to clean everything, but still find myself doing it.
I'm currently waiting to start CBT, having been referred for it through my GP.
As Mike says rightly, there are treatments for this, so I guess your GP is a port of call for this initially. It isn't just the baby that needs care, you do too, so you can be the best Mum you can for your little one.
Wannabe

Tue Jan 10 2012 20:40:23 #
Tess
Member

Mike, I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable with your suggestion that the health or otherwise of a baby has anything to do with the development of OCD in pregnancy, however, I accept that we are each entitled to our own views. My son was physically perfect and as contented a baby as one could wish for, yet I developed exactly the same problems as Willow. I have struggled for decades to work out what caused my OCD and I have come to the conclusion that it is not helpful, the truth is we don't know the answers and speculation on incorrect theories can lead to more problems with danger of developing false patterns of thought and false memories.
Willow, my heart goes out to you for all the suffering you have had and I agree wholeheartedly with wannabe that none of this is your fault and also that you need to seek medical help for yourself.

Wed Jan 11 2012 11:11:55 #
Mike
Member

Tess,

I'm not saying that the health of the baby affected Willow DURING pregnancy, but that once the baby was born and she saw that there was a problem, her mind may have used this as vindication that the ritualistic worrying she did during the pregnancy was warranted, and this might be what made the OCD worse. After the pregnancy the OCD could have said: "see, you really DID have something to worry about all that time, so now you need to make sure that you prevent any other bad things from happening". Hence, the increase in rituals, such as cleaning and disinfecting after birth.

Wed Jan 11 2012 16:56:44 #
wannabefree
Member

How's it going today Willow?
I've had a right day of it, what with trying not to wash my hands all the time... Handling a wheelie bin without hashing my hands was a grueller for me today... My hands weren't visibly wet or dirty, so it should be okay... But still my mind fights itself... How is your little one doing today, Willow?
Hopefully all is well... Even children with disabilities can be absolute darlings, and I bet he gives you things to smile about... Carry on being a great Mum...
Wannabe

Wed Jan 11 2012 21:18:31 #