OCD Action

Unregistered

Where do I start... I had massive drug problems for years. In 2000 I got clean and have been clean ever since. I love being clean and attend NA 2-3 times a week. It's the most important thing in my life, without a doubt.

Since getting clean I started to experience OCD. I didn't realise it was OCD to begin with but over the years I've accepted I have OCD and have sought treatment from a psychologist and it has worked to a certain extent. I have had some really terrible times in my illness. Totally irrational and totally ridiculous as well at times.

Anyway me and my wife have been having some marital troubles over the last year. At the end of November I thought I was losing my mind. My anxiety has never been so high. I sought help from my psychologist and my mental state improved quite quickly. I think I realised that due to the problems with my marriage and the trouble I had facing up to it I turned to hide in my OCD (if that makes sense). Anyway once I started treatment with my psychologist and read a book (overcoming OCD) I started getting a lot better. Better than I have ever been. My checking dropped drastically. I felt 100x's better. Anyway my troubles with my wife were staring me in the face.

Over the next 2 months we went through a very difficult time. We talked about splitting up and divorcing etc. anyway it's sorting itself out now and we both love each other very much. My wife is back at home and we are getting on well.

One of the things that has been bothering me recently has been random intrusive thoughts around using drugs and of drug use. These thoughts have appalled me and I have tried everything to try and get rid, unsuccessfully! Anyway after working with the psychologist and talking to friends and family, I have come to realise as a recovering addict and as a human being these thoughts around drug use are completely natural. Although they still trouble me some what, I just try not to focus on them.

Lately I have been worrying though that I am mentally unwell though. Scared that I am mentally unwell. Worrying myself mentally unwell. I am pretty sure I'm ok though, if I just stop analysing and worrying about my thoughts and feelings. I'm pretty sure this is my OCD too.

It's like since I have stopped all the checking and have made great progess my OCD comes up with something else to screw me up. There's no part of me that wants, desires or wishes to use drugs. I have tried anti depressants a few times but never manage any more than 6days. Anti depressants r not for me. They go against everything I hold dearly.

Think I'm feeling better just writing this. I tried to explain it to a friend tonight. It's like a big part of my brain is ok and well. There's a small bit that's out to get me, screw me up, get me high on drugs and that isn't happy until I'm suicidal. Been keeping a diary lately of my thoughts and feelings as well. This has been really good for me. I can get things confused and all out of proportion in my mind. It doesn't seem so bad when written down.

Anyway that's me. Lol

Thu Jan 26 2012 21:04:41 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there, welcome to the forums... Yes, the old intrusive thoughts, we just about get things running right, then another thought steps in to knock us down. I'm really glad that things are coming right with you and your wife... My own partner has been an absolute godsend for me... Gold dust in fact! I too dabble a bit in writing, it is a good hobby that helps to take my mind off things... I've been writing about living with my OCD, it has really helped me. A diary is a really good idea too, I might start doing it myself in fact, thank you for sharing that, that is what these forums are all about for me. We share ideas and fight this awful illness, which is debilitating to say the least...
Are you currently seeing your GP towards help with counselling or the great CBT therapy which helps many on here? I'm still waiting to start mine...
Anyway, welcome to the forums...
Wannabe

Thu Jan 26 2012 22:22:36 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Quebee2006 -

and a big welcome from me too. Oh, and thanks for being so candid, that's always a great way to start a thread. You will find that this site is unsensational, and members will try to help and give advice as much as they can.

It is not uncommon for people with OCD (or a tendency towards the disorder) to seek refuge in using substances. In fact, scientific research has found out that persons with obsessions and compulsions are inclined to do that in a significantly higher proportion than people without them. I see it as a form of self-medication. Drugs can mask OCD (from your story, I gather that this happened with you also - but correct me if I'm wrong, please).

OCD has a strong connection with feelings of guilt. It may well be possible that your intrusive thoughts are related to feeling guilty, about having used substances, and perhaps having caused problems, worries, and anxieties in others, because of your habit. Guilt is pretty shapeless initially, but OCD can make it adopt specific guises, forms that are strongly connected to one's personal life and history. That would explain why your obsessive, intrusive thinking had 'drugs' as its topic.

As you yourself stated: this is natural. And I am convinced that you are not 'mentally unwell'. If you were, your would not have written such a clear and intelligent statement, with such a high level of self-insight. And at any rate, 'mentally unwell' is a broad and negative qualification, a manner of thinking that you might get rid of in cognitive behavioural therapy, as Wannabefree suggested. CBT can help people 'restructure' their ways of thinking, and reduce ruminating about sad, and unwanted topics. Sounds a bit vague, perhaps, but there are quite a number of folks here who benefited from it to a great extent.

Again, welcome, and do keep us updated about how you're doing, will you?

Ciao, Cuthbert.

Fri Jan 27 2012 10:09:35 #
Wolfen
Member

Hello There
Your experiences are of the same pattern as my own..And I suffer from ocd.
And nobody is perfect in mind and body,its the human condition of everyone,so dont feel on your own.
The fact that you feel so bothered is proof that you have reached such a brilliant height or awareness in your heart and mind,So that what was done or what one suffered in the past seems even Lower and worse than ever. The reason your mind has been so overactive shows the difference between You and some one who doesnt care. The world today can be crazy and We soak alot of Rubbish up throughout our lives,before we have understanding...and when we reach better understanding, we probably wish we could start again! But this shows Quality in you!! Its the present that matters ....The only thing that really exists.
Take care,keep busy with what you enjoy. Remember most thoughts are just like rubbish traffic going by (in everybodys head) ...let them pass,Dont try to banish them, Dont attach yourself to them. Good man!
Wolfen

Fri Jan 27 2012 11:26:41 #
Unregistered

Hi guys thanks for the replies. U have a good way of taking something I seen as negative and put a positive angle on it.

Been all over the place today. Had some strong thoughts around using drugs at times. At other times I feel ok, although I am still aware of how I'm feeling. As soon as I realise the thoughts are away you can bet ur arse they start coming back in. Been quite disturbed as of lately with them. No sleeping great as I'm scared of the thoughts.

Was thinking today that I have had many fears, like the drug fears, and they have all passed. All and I mean all, off my fears have only been fears. None have ever came true, no even remotely. They are just thoughts, nothing more or less. Ur right though, I just have to shrug them off along with all the other crap that comes into my mind. Don't know why some thoughts seem to stick I my mind.

It's time I made an effort with my OCD. I have made great progress with the checking recently. I'm sick of feeling like this. I just have to try one day at a time. Don't have to get it right all the time. I just have to try.

Thanks for the replies. God bless.

Fri Jan 27 2012 16:46:36 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi BD, Thank you ever so much for your input to the forums... It's really good to know that the forums are still functioning! I'm gonna post to a couple of threads now, I'm available for the next couple of hours I think...
I've got this catheter, which has depressed me a bit, but I'm trusting it now...
It is said sometimes that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, which sounds awfully easy to say, but it has a certain ring of truth to it... Stick with us my friend, and thank you again...
Wannabe

Fri Jan 27 2012 19:38:02 #