Hi everyone,
I have been doing going through all the threads on this forum for the past couple of weeks and have decided to sign up myself as you all seem a very lovely and brave bunch of people.
I will try not to go on for too long but just wanted to give you a bit of information about myself. In 2009 I was diagnosed with having a large hole in my heart and a faulty mitral valve. After being diagnosed with asthma from the age of 11 (im now 24) this certainly came a bit of a shock to me and last year I had to go in and have full open heart surgery to fix my holey heart. I am pleased to say 'Physically' I am doing great and I am able to do things I used to struggle with previously - like walking up a set of stairs without getting out of breath!
I suffered a bad panic attack 4 weeks after my operation and after having the Paramedic and Ambulance out to me, I soon recovered and although it left me feeling very scared I didnt have another one for over a year. Unfortunately about 4 months ago I had a terrible anxiety attack just before bed which made me start to hyperventilate, shake, cry and had horrible intrusive thoughts about what if I lost control and hurt members of my family. I just want to very QUICKLY add that I am not a violent person (i never have been), I have never been in trouble in the past and even if I was shouted at at school I would come home and cry and worry about what would happen the next day.
I am very lucky to have a very close family bond and these thoughts that I could possibly hurt them have left me in a state of pure fear and devastation beyond belief. Its just not in my nature to ever hurt anyone with intention and the the very thought of it makes me feel physically sick. I know I would NEVER be able to live with myself if I ever hurt anyone - It really is my worst fear!
After about a month of constant panic attacks, not eating and telling my mum I wanted to die I knew I needed to do something about it and quick. I went off to my doctors and broke down saying I couldnt cope with life and these HORRIBLE thoughts of losing control and hurting people (I mean how can someone who loves their parents more than anything else in the world have such terrible thoughts?). The doctor quickly diagnosed me with possible OCD and sent me to get some CBT counselling which I have had 4 sessions of. I have to say the CBT helped me quite quickly and I saw an overall improvement in my thoughts, mood and was able to get back to some sort of normality in my every day life after being confined to the house, constantly shaking and in a state of fear.
Unfortunately my CBT therapist has been away on holiday over this past week and I have had a relapse in terrifying thoughts and living in fear. I have always been a worrier all my life and since going through the therapy I have realised just how much I have missed out on (basically someone could give me 1000 positives of doing something and 1 negative - chances are I would worry myself to death about that 1 negative and not do whatever it is)
Although I know for 100% certain I would never hurt anybody with intention, im just not capable and have no wish or want to cause harm, its not in my make up to be a violent or bad person, I cant stop thinking and worrying that I might become mad or insane and totally lose control (this is honestly my very worst fear in the whole world) I AM SO SCARED THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN! I could never live with myself if this happened and I hurt someone but my way of thinking at the moment is - if I dont think and worry about it, it wont happen - but of course the more you try not to worry about it the worse it gets.
It causes me SO MUCH distress and unhappiness that im struggling to function on a daily basis. I cant eat, ive been struggling to sleep and feeling overall pretty terrible. Im terrified im going to end up back in hospital and really cant cope at the moment. Im VERY sensitive to anything I read because im constantly aware of every feeling, emotion and thought that I experience - It truly is becoming exhausting.
If anyone could help with some advice or even if you have been through similar intrusive thoughts I would be really grateful for a helping hand during a pretty dark period in my life.
PLEASE HELP if you can - and thank you in advance
I hope you all have a lovely weekend.
- Hot topic