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Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

New member who needs HELP with OCD and intrusive thoughts

(44 posts) (11 voices)

Started 6 months ago by ACB33
Latest reply from Citaloman
This topic is Not a support question

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ACB33
Member

Hi everyone,

I have been doing going through all the threads on this forum for the past couple of weeks and have decided to sign up myself as you all seem a very lovely and brave bunch of people.

I will try not to go on for too long but just wanted to give you a bit of information about myself. In 2009 I was diagnosed with having a large hole in my heart and a faulty mitral valve. After being diagnosed with asthma from the age of 11 (im now 24) this certainly came a bit of a shock to me and last year I had to go in and have full open heart surgery to fix my holey heart. I am pleased to say 'Physically' I am doing great and I am able to do things I used to struggle with previously - like walking up a set of stairs without getting out of breath!

I suffered a bad panic attack 4 weeks after my operation and after having the Paramedic and Ambulance out to me, I soon recovered and although it left me feeling very scared I didnt have another one for over a year. Unfortunately about 4 months ago I had a terrible anxiety attack just before bed which made me start to hyperventilate, shake, cry and had horrible intrusive thoughts about what if I lost control and hurt members of my family. I just want to very QUICKLY add that I am not a violent person (i never have been), I have never been in trouble in the past and even if I was shouted at at school I would come home and cry and worry about what would happen the next day.

I am very lucky to have a very close family bond and these thoughts that I could possibly hurt them have left me in a state of pure fear and devastation beyond belief. Its just not in my nature to ever hurt anyone with intention and the the very thought of it makes me feel physically sick. I know I would NEVER be able to live with myself if I ever hurt anyone - It really is my worst fear!

After about a month of constant panic attacks, not eating and telling my mum I wanted to die I knew I needed to do something about it and quick. I went off to my doctors and broke down saying I couldnt cope with life and these HORRIBLE thoughts of losing control and hurting people (I mean how can someone who loves their parents more than anything else in the world have such terrible thoughts?). The doctor quickly diagnosed me with possible OCD and sent me to get some CBT counselling which I have had 4 sessions of. I have to say the CBT helped me quite quickly and I saw an overall improvement in my thoughts, mood and was able to get back to some sort of normality in my every day life after being confined to the house, constantly shaking and in a state of fear.

Unfortunately my CBT therapist has been away on holiday over this past week and I have had a relapse in terrifying thoughts and living in fear. I have always been a worrier all my life and since going through the therapy I have realised just how much I have missed out on (basically someone could give me 1000 positives of doing something and 1 negative - chances are I would worry myself to death about that 1 negative and not do whatever it is)

Although I know for 100% certain I would never hurt anybody with intention, im just not capable and have no wish or want to cause harm, its not in my make up to be a violent or bad person, I cant stop thinking and worrying that I might become mad or insane and totally lose control (this is honestly my very worst fear in the whole world) I AM SO SCARED THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN! I could never live with myself if this happened and I hurt someone but my way of thinking at the moment is - if I dont think and worry about it, it wont happen - but of course the more you try not to worry about it the worse it gets.

It causes me SO MUCH distress and unhappiness that im struggling to function on a daily basis. I cant eat, ive been struggling to sleep and feeling overall pretty terrible. Im terrified im going to end up back in hospital and really cant cope at the moment. Im VERY sensitive to anything I read because im constantly aware of every feeling, emotion and thought that I experience - It truly is becoming exhausting.

If anyone could help with some advice or even if you have been through similar intrusive thoughts I would be really grateful for a helping hand during a pretty dark period in my life.

PLEASE HELP if you can - and thank you in advance I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

Sat Nov 19 2011 11:42:13 #
ACB33
Member

Im so so sorry for the length of my first message - I dont half waffle on - apologies for that

Sat Nov 19 2011 11:42:53 #
BT
Member

Welcome to the forum (no need to apologise for a long message, it helps others to understand!).

I’m really glad to hear that you have recovered from your physical problem. The surgery must have been traumatic.

So many of us fear exactly what you fear. I hope you at least realise that your obsession is common. I have so many close friends who worry they will lose control and harm family members, including mothers with young children. There has never been one of these people I would have felt nervous of spending time with or leaving my children with.

The very fact that the thought causes you such panic is confirmation that you will never harm anyone.
Apart from your therapy, I think getting to know others with similar fears will help you enormously.

Sorry this is short - I know others will reply, I only had a few minutes to write.

Sat Nov 19 2011 12:12:06 #
Wombat140
Member

Welcome to the forum. Glad you got CBT so quickly and that it's working, but a pity about this. I think if the therapist is away, there should at least be some arrangement for someone you can talk to on the phone if it's getting too much. They wouldn't say to someone with diabetes, "you'll have to manage without insulin this week, as the consultant won't be here to give you a prescription"! Failing that, you can always talk to us.

You aren't going to hurt anyone. You knew that last week, at least to some extent, and nothing's changed since then. They're just thoughts. Good luck with getting rid of the rest of them when your therapist gets back.

All the best, Wombat140

Sat Nov 19 2011 18:07:31 #
Tess
Member

Hi ACB33
Firstly welcome to the forum and thank you for your post, as BT says there is absolutely no need to apologise, it helps us to understand your problems and to get to know you.
It is thought that people with OCD have a predisposition to developing the disorder but it may lay dormant for life or it may be triggered by something very stressful which happens to you. It sounds as though this may have been what has happened to you, the stress and fear of facing open heart surgery which you coped with so well at the time has come back in the form of OCD.
The horrible thoughts you are experiencing are due entirely to the OCD and you will never act on them. You are not going mad, you will not lose control and carry out a dreadful act, this is not what OCD is all about. It will torment you with the worst possible scenarios you can imagine because it feeds from your deepest fears and makes them feel real. Over a period of time you will learn to accept that these thoughts are just a distortion in your brain and that they have no power over you.
Keep practicing what you have learned so far in your CBT sessions, also try to think positively, do your best to eat and sleep because looking after your physical needs will help you fight your OCD.

Sat Nov 19 2011 18:15:57 #
ACB33
Member

Hi BT, Wombat140 and Tess.

Thank you all so much for your replies, Your all so kind and its lovely to have some reassurance from people who are also suffering or have knowledge of the illness. I read that OCD is called 'The Doubting Illness' and it is so true! I even doubt I have OCD at times because I just feel so abnormal that im convinced there is something else wrong with me.

I do agree with you Tess that the operation has triggered my OCD - im certain of that. Like I say I have always been a worrier and looked at the negative in everything. I am also known to worry myself silly over something that never happens or even if it does its not as bad as I first thought so I am a chronic worrier.

Its all been very new to me actually because I never had an anxiety/panic attack before my operation so its all been a bit of a shock and I do find it very difficult to switch off from these thoughts - its there all the time. I have no interest in anything and no concentration which makes day to day life very difficult.

I do feel guilty at times too because I have been so lucky to have my life saved and it seems like my brain has a self destruct button that intends on making my life a misery its horrible really and I cant help but hate myself for this too.

Wombat, you made a good point though, It certainly has been really difficult without my therapist here this week and I think that has been a trigger for the slight relapse I have had because I literally have had no contact at all - No email and No phonecalls so I have really been shut off from everything thats helping me and thats made me feel really uncomfortable. I was actually doing really well for about a week before his holiday so I didnt really occur to me that I made need someone in an emergency - Its really nice to know that people are around when you need them though on this forum.

I have only had a few CBT sessions so far so im still learning the different ways of thinking.

Im the most impatient person too so if anyone knows of a pill or magic wand out there that could take all this away in an instant - please let me know If i hear of one I will be sure to pass it onto you guys

I can honestly say if someone gave me the choice of having this OCD and anxiety/depression taken away but needing more heart surgery - I would certianly take the surgery - that was a doddle compared to all this. OCD may win the battles but I will win the war!!

Sun Nov 20 2011 0:24:48 #
slogsweep
Member

ACB, if you get a really shocking or disturbing thought, and you feel the anxiety rising up in you, just tell yourself, "it's OCD", "it's OCD" each time over and over. Just keep telling yourself that and eventually it might stick

Sun Nov 20 2011 0:27:48 #
ACB33
Member

Hi Slogsweep,

Thank you for your message. I will certainly try that, I do often argue with myself and try to reassure myself everything will be fine but at times I think it makes it worse. It's also hard to think about anything else when your stuck in this state, I honestly hate it do much I will certainly try to cancel it out with the OCD though. Thanks again for your help

Sun Nov 20 2011 0:56:11 #
Unregistered

Hi ACB33 -- and hi slogsweep.

I'm going to jump in here. Both of you: listen to this very carefully. ("I shall this only once," as they used to say on "Allo, Allo".)

BOTH OF YOU: DO NOT USE THE TECHNIQUE THAT SLOGSWEEP JUST RECOMMENDED. NEVER DO THIS!!!

ACB33, you're only a few sessions into your CBT. Slogsweep, I'm not sure if you've done a course of CBT yet. But as someone who's further done the line, I'll give you some very important advice...

By telling yourself things like "It's only OCD, it's only OCD," you will keep your OCD in place. In fact, you will make it worse. I can guarantee you that this is true.

By reassuring yourself, you will temporarily reduce your anxiety a little bit, each time you do it. But you will come to rely on that reassurance, and you will become unable to stop doing it. After a while, you will need to spend longer and longer reassuring yourself in this way.

I know it's hard. I know it's tough. But you have to trust me. Compulsions (like telling yourself -- or asking a loved one to tell you -- that it's only your OCD, will actually keep the OCD in place -- and make it worse over time.

No-one with OCD works this out for themselves. We all have to go through a course of cognitive behavioural therapy with a really good therapist, in order to get there. But eventually you will learn that the ONLY way to get rid of your OCD is to LET THE THOUGHTS IN.

It seems like madness. It feels like you won't be able to cope -- but you have to learn to LET THE HORRIBLE THOUGHTS IN. And you have to learn how to have them, without engaging with them. Eventually, their power will fade away to nothing. It won't happen in one week. But eventually it will happen.

Hang in there, guys. But, please -- if you ever want to be free of OCD -- don't reassure yourself.

OCD Londoner.

Sun Nov 20 2011 8:20:18 #
ACB33
Member

Hello OCD Londoner,

Thank you for your message its very kind of you to reply. I have read this alot in the books about anxiety and OCD that you just have to let the thoughts in and not pay attention to them. I do have the mental compulsions of reassuring myself everything will be fine because at the moment I dont know how else to deal with them and I certainly cant cope with just allowing them to be there because it just makes it worse at the moment as I go into full blown panic. I constantly sit and shake all the time. The thoughts make me feel physically sick and leave me constantly distressed. I can't imagine or understand how someone could think in such a terrible way and im terrified of them being there None of us deserve this - its a terrible illness that plays with peoples emotions, feelings and thoughts.

Im currently not on any medication. I have to be a little careful what I take considering the surgery that I had but I was totally against the idea in the beginning because I didn't want to get addicted to them and then not be able to function without them after the therapy had finished. I understand this is not the case for everyone. I have a close friend who is on medication and is having CBT and she is doing really well.

Can I ask OCD Londoner how many sessions did you have before you started to feel better in yourself. I said in my initial post that I had only had 4 sessions but had noticed a difference but it seems to have come back with a vengeance. I understand we are all different and all recover in different ways, I was just interested to know how many sessions you had?

ACB33

Sun Nov 20 2011 11:14:04 #
*k
Member

Hi ACB33,
I can completely understand what you went through with your surgery and how it must have been frightening at the time for you because I went through exactly the same thing at the age of 5, but going back then it was not keyhole surgery.
Glad you are much better now and on the mend.

There does seem to be a link between extreme stress and trauma experenices and people who worry. I think all of us on this forum worry a great deal in different ways, so you are not alone.

I too am a born worrier and think my operation at a young age triggered off some sort of anxiety in me, this is not to say all people who have operations will end up having anixety problems or OCD, but it is prone in some of us.

I suffer from contamination fears and this developed gradually as I got older in my twenties after starting a family.
I am now 41 and over the past years have had counselling which helped a little. It is only now with treatment progressing, that I am currently undergoing my third course of CBT which is helping the best at present.
I think it is important to get on with the right therapist and if you are lucky enough to find one, stick with them. Sometimes when one therapist does not work it does not mean another one won't. You have to feel comfortable with your treatment and your therapist.

I wish you all the luck in getting better and wish you well in your treatment. It is not easy is it!!
K.

Sun Nov 20 2011 12:18:16 #
slogsweep
Member

I'm so sorry, I was told that until my CBT starts I'm to label the OCD to try and isolate it from my true self.

I didn't mean to offer bad advice,

Slog

Sun Nov 20 2011 12:29:42 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi ACB Welcome to the forums from me too... Wow! That heart surgery was something to go through, wasn't it? Crikey, that makes for a real big achievement... I tend to think that physical problems are something you can see and touch, breathlessness for instance is a physical condition to be aware of, and we can target how we deal with it, work with it, but the OCD affects our very way we look at the things we worry about... I think it has just been very unfortunate you have ended up with a break so soon in therapy, before you've really had a chance to get really into it so to speak... and experienced at the techniques... CBT is really hard work, and takes the patience of a saint to learn, and I'll be so glad when mine finally starts... Taking a break before you're ready is a bit like having a couple of driving lessons, then trying to drive before you are ready... It all takes time... I reckon that once your therapy starts again, you'll pick up where you left off, and things will improve dramatically for the better... That's why we need to go to a therapist for the help, it is a form of training...
wannabe

Sun Nov 20 2011 12:49:33 #
BT
Member

Slog, You have not given bad advice! If you follow Brain Lock this is exactly the advice Jeffrey Schwartz gives. It is wrong for anyone here to say a certain therapy is incorrect. Each to her or his own!

Sun Nov 20 2011 12:50:56 #
Truddles
Member

Hi BT,

I totally agree with your last post.

We're all different not just our OCD but also our personalities (wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same?)so what works for one doesn't necessarily work for others.

Unfortunately treating OCD isn't an exact science as yet because of all the variables. There are many ways of tackling the OCD and we each have to find a way that suits us, be it CBT, medication, a combination of both or other treatments such as NLP (neurolinguistic programming). The bottom line is if it works for you then do it

None of us are qualified to say that you should or shouldn't do something all we can do is advise, encourage and let others know what did or didn't work for them.

Encouragement from others is the key to succeeding when trying to beat OCD
(I wish therapists would remember that )

Yes, reassurance is wrong because it perpetuates the OCD, but for many it's the only way that they can cope until they get professional help.

Sun Nov 20 2011 13:26:33 #
slogsweep
Member

Thanks guys, I was mortified to think I'd set someone back. I know that wasn't the intention of the post trying to help us out.

Have a great day all of you, I'm off to try and find a decent OCD book to shed some light on the damn thing.

Slog

Sun Nov 20 2011 13:28:35 #
BT
Member

Slog, bear in mind that even the experts will give conflicting advice - one book you read may contradict another. OCD Londoner seems to adhere to the David Veale/Paul Salkvoskis approach to therapy. Many people find Jeffrey Schwartz’s methods more effective and he certainly tells us to say ‘It’s not me, it’s my OCD’. Veale and Salkvoksis (and obviously OCD Londoner!) bitterly disagree. So, you will have to try what you feel most comfortable with.

As Trudy said, this is not an exact science!

Sun Nov 20 2011 13:38:49 #
Truddles
Member

If it were an exact science we'd all be OCD free tomorrow

It's one of those conditions were you have to find what treatment is right for both you and your OCD. I'm finding that CBT works for some of my OCD but not for all of it, but my new therapist thinks that neurolinguistic programming will help with the rest of the OCD.

Sun Nov 20 2011 13:44:45 #
BT
Member

Apologies - 'Salkovskis'.

Sun Nov 20 2011 13:46:01 #
BT
Member

Trudy, I have a friend who responded so well to NLP. I hope it helps you.

To be honest, I sat here open mouthed when I read OCD Londoner's first two sentences! I hope he/she does only say it once! I felt so worried about Slog (and anyone who is following Prof. J. Schwartz's therapy.

Sun Nov 20 2011 13:49:57 #
Truddles
Member

Thanks BT,

Well it would help if the CD wasn't scratched I thought it was some kind of subliminal message when it started jumping (I just hope she doesn't think it was me that scratched the CD - OCD speaking me thinks )
The other CD she gave me seems to help though.

I will let you all know how it goes with the NLP.

Sun Nov 20 2011 14:03:12 #
ACB33
Member

Firstly hello to *K, Wannabefree and Truddles - Thank you for all your help and advice.

I just wanted to say to Slogsweep please DONT WORRY about your previous comments. It sounds as if (like me) your still new to all this and we are all learning so please dont let that play on your conscience about bad advice, you were doing what you thought was right Like BT said we all have very different ways of coping and even reading some of the books there are contradictions in the ways of beating OCD. Truddles is right too in saying there are so many variables of OCD that there isnt one way of recovery (if only there was im sure we wouldnt all be sitting here on a Sunday trying to comfort each other!)

I have just brought a new book called Self-Help for your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes - I dont know if anyone has herd of it - its quite an old book but I have herd so many good things about it that I have decided to give it a try.

In my opinion OCD is very much a nervous illness which plays on our fears and most sensitive emotions which cause anxiety, depression and general unhappiness. I also think its really important to understand why this happens, where it happens and how if affects us. For me having some understanding and trust back in my self is a huge way we can all progress forward and live our lives in a calm and bearable way. I will keep you informed about the book and let you know if it has helped me

Sun Nov 20 2011 14:51:20 #
wannabefree
Member

Thank you to you also ACB...
I've heard of Claire Weekes, I think she used to be on one of the morning TV programmes, and had actually come through a lot herself... Bit like us I guess, but the book should be really helpful... I'll see if I can get a copy too, anything that will help us just has to be worth a try...
wannabe

Sun Nov 20 2011 17:42:37 #
Tess
Member

Hi Slog
Just adding my five pennorth to what the others have said. Please don't beat yourself up because of OCD Londoner's post, we are all individuals on this forum and what suits one may not suit someone else, we each have to find our own way to beat our OCD. OCD Londoner has obviously benefited enormously from the method which he/she advocates and that is great and we want to hear about it but it certainly doesn't mean that other ways are going to cause harm. I can understand that those who have been through CBT and recovered want to shout it from the rooftops but we below are sensitive souls and it can feel a bit overpowering at times.

Sun Nov 20 2011 18:39:01 #
ACB33
Member

Hi Wannabefree

Try looking on Amazon at the reviews about the book - they are very positive. Im currently on page 54 (cant put it down - they are only little chapters though so nice and easy to read).

Im really enjoying reading it because its in such a simple form that everyone can understand but as I said before I think its REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT for us to realise where these obsessions come from and how they manifest into turning us into nervous wrecks! I think once we accomplish this we can all take the next step (whatever that maybe for the person) in recovering to the best of their ability.

It is an old book and no mention of CBT in there and some of it is very dated now compared to when it was first published in the 1970s as we have many more ways of treating OCD but it is certainly worth a read - I would recommend it to all you lovely people on here who suffer or know someone who suffers on a daily basis with all different types of OCD. It is clearly written by someone who knows about the illness and tries to reassure you from all angles which is really nice to know and read. Its not a miracle cure by far but it makes ALOT of sense to me.

Good Luck and I hope you enjoy reading it if you get a copy (by the way you should be able to buy it from any book shop not just off the internet) Let me know if any of you read it and I would be really interested to hear if it helps you

ACB33

Sun Nov 20 2011 19:07:14 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi ACB, will do, it sounds really good... And so do you... Such a lot easier than at the beginning of this thread... Good stuff, this is what inspires and keeps us going... Thank you...
wannabe

Sun Nov 20 2011 20:15:45 #
Unregistered

Hi guys,

in a rush tonight, so I skimmed quickly through everyone's recent posts.

To ACB33 and slogsweep:

neither of you is doing anything wrong, and I'm not in any way criticizing you.

BUT...some therapists and OCD sufferers will give you advice -- in good faith -- that is no longer recommended practise. "Brain Lock" is a book that was written back in the nineties, and recommends some things which are not recommended by mainstream 21st century CBT experts.

OCD relies on 2 things: Obsessions and Compulsions. Your compulsions keep the obsessions in place. Engaging with your thoughts will keep your obsessions in place. Reassuring yourself will keep your obsessions in place.

OCD is a sneaky devil. You have to learn to do the opposite of what you think you need to do.

Go to the Information Packs on this webite. (Look under "Resources".) One of the info packs breaks down the things that a good CBT therapist should and should not be doing. One example is if the therapist tells you to do things like say, "Stop!" every time you have an intrusive thought.

If anybody on this forum tells you to do things like tell yourself "It's only my OCD," they're doing it in good faith -- they think they're helping you -- but they will put a barrier in the way to your recovery.

But don't take my word for it. Read all the information packs on this website (you can print them off, or read them on-screen), and interrogate your CBT therapist as much as you can. If I, or anybody else, tells you anything on this forum that you don't believe, talk to your therapist about it, and ask them for their advice.

Take care everyone,

OCD Londoner.

Sun Nov 20 2011 21:03:29 #
Unregistered

Hi again!

Also, to ACB33 and slogsweep -- go to the NICE Guidelines on this website. (NICE stands for National Institute of Clinical Excellence.) Read through the NICE guidelines for OCD.

It might be helpful if I point out that I also got into the practise of telling myself things like, "It's only my OCD," before I started my course of CBT. And it did give me temporary comfort. And then I found myself saying it every time I had an intrusive thought...and it wasn't until I read all of the mainstream CBT / OCD books, and they all advised me that I was walking into yet another addictive compulsion, that I stopped doing it...and found that, if I persevered, I felt better when I stopped doing that.

Short term pain, long term gain, guys!

Hope you're both doing well,

Londoner.

Sun Nov 20 2011 21:27:28 #
Unregistered

And again...!

ACB33 and slogsweep, I just remembered an excellent book that you might both benefit from reading: "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: The Facts", by Stanley Rachman and Padmal de Silva.

Here's a quote from that book:

"Reassurance seeking: many obsessive compulsive patients resort to reassurance seeking, usually from members of their families. Often, obsessional thoughts such as "Will I go insane?", "Did I do it properly?", and "Do I need to check the taps again?" lead to the patient repeatedly asking for reassurance. When reassurance is received, the patient feels some brief relief from his discomfort, but the doubts and anxiety soon return. Frequently repeated requests for reassurance, often using the same words or phrases over and over again, strain the patience of friends and family. In many instances, the requests for reassurance are not actually requests for information, despite the form of the question. The patient knows full well what the answer to his question really is. What seems to be a request for information is instead an indirect attempt to reduce his anxiety."

That quote relates to asking other people for reassurance, but the same principle applies when you seek reassurance from yourself.

This is a fantastic non-fiction book, published by Oxford University Press. (And only 146 pages, not including the appendix!)

Take care,

Londoner.

Sun Nov 20 2011 22:20:57 #
BT
Member

I know I upset David (Ratwomble - and possibly a few others) a while back, because I pointed out that telling ourselves it’s only our OCD is actually a form of reassurance. David will correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe he found Brain Lock very helpful. Certainly, I have friends who gained more relief from their OCD by using Jeffrey Schwartz’s methods than by following the advice of David Veale and Paul Salkovskis (who are suggesting the same as OCD Londoner).

Yes, saying ‘It’s not me, it’s my OCD’ is a form of reassurance when said at the time of an intrusive thought (I would have welcomed your support back then, OCD Londoner!). At the time I was merely trying to point out that professionals contradict each other and each of us has to find what works best for us. But, I would never suggest that another therapy is wrong. Jeffrey Schwartz continues to practise his ‘Four Steps’ approach with patients and finds the therapy very effective - yes, even in the 21st century!

I have said this before, but Schwartz and Veale/Salkovskis have patients who do not respond to their particular therapies, Maybe, if those who were unresponsive tried the other ‘expert’s’ approach they might gain some benefit. It would certainly be worth a try. Both can obviously be effective, otherwise the ‘experts’ concerned would stop using them!

Mon Nov 21 2011 13:14:13 #

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