OCD Action

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Skitty_Kitty
Member

Hi Guys,

Wanted to introduce myself. I'm 24 and I've had OCD since I was about 12.

It's strange, I've been more focused on my depression and while I got CBT for that, we never got down to the roots of it. I have pure O, where I get intrusive thoughts. I have to do things a certain way and if I don't I read news to see if anything's bad happening. I usually will think it's me so I don't think exposure will help because something's always bad. My mind is convinced and gets angry if I seek help. It took a lot to do this today!

Especially today, I thought it was too much, checking to see what was my fault and everthing. I need help. I wash my hands way too much now, especially since I have a cold. I have to becareful where I sneeze and how I blow my nose etc. I have to wash my hands several times a day and at work there's only soap in the bathroom so people must think I go to the toilet all the time haha!

I have to protect people when I eat certain foods - NO idea why. I love eggs but find them hard to eat because they could've been a chicken. I limit meat and where I eat things. I don't know anyone with OCD so I feel like I'm a pretty odd one (actually it must be hard to tell right? I probably do know people who do). I'm also scared of religious things, like if I see something I will have to protet religious people. I know a lot of atheists who are really anti-religion so I have to protect people in my head and I don't know if I've done it properly etc...

Sorry for the rant, I really need help! I'm from a very religious family and I have all these events coming up where I need to go. I avoid them even though I used to feel reassured from them, but ath was a triggering event when I was young.

Thanks guys hope to hear more from you!

Thu Oct 6 2011 10:40:48 #
BT
Member

Welcome to the forum. It sounds as though you have a lot to deal with right now. I share a few of your obsessions, but don't have time to write about them now and the ways I found to help some of them. I just didn't like to see your message not being answered.

People are very friendly here, but it's a little quiet at the moment. I'm sure others will write soon and I will come back when I can.

Thu Oct 6 2011 13:01:25 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hi Skitty_Kitty -

...and a warm welcome from me too. I gather from your post that you got treatment for depression, the roots of it (being pure OCD) weren't truly addressed, am I right here? At any rate, depression is very often a co-morbidity (= concomitant disorder) in people with OCD. Mostly OCD is there first, and later depression sets in. The OCD you describe might very well be the cause of your depression. I sense an honest drive in you to 'do things right', to avoid making mistakes, to observe hygiene, not to harm any living creature, and to protect people. If you see this list, you will immediately notice that these are all honourable and respectful wishes. Nothing wrong there.

Thing is: OCD is able to drive these wishes (demands upon yourself) out of proportion. The result is: worrying deeply and feeling guilty where that isn't necessary at all.

My first idea would be: a form of therapy where you talk this through in a completely unhurried manner. You might open up, and speak about it all, even if you feel shame. No need to. As I said: care and respect are at the core of your thoughts, and who could possibly ask for better motives?

I wish you all the very best, and if you feel like writing more, I'd be ever so glad to comment to the best of my abilities. If you'd like to send me a PM, do so please.

Many, many good wishes from Cuthbert in Holland.

Thu Oct 6 2011 16:33:17 #
Tess
Member

Hi Skitty_Kitty
A big welcome from me too. I have OCD but I am also a veggie and your thoughts about eating meat and eggs are what most vegetarians feel. But if you love eggs the chance of a supermarket egg, even a free range one ever being able to become a chicken is virtually nil because that process needs a cockerel and commercial laying hens won't even have seen a cockerel let alone lift their tails for him. So at least you can eat your eggs without guilt - but for the other problems I agree with Cuthbert, you need some professional help to get to grips with the OCD. You say you don't know other people with OCD but it is extremely likely that you know several but like you they keep it secret and don't talk about it. There are believed to be up to 2 million sufferers in the UK so you are most definitely not the odd one out.

Thu Oct 6 2011 17:57:15 #
Allison
Member

Hi,just like to say welcome also.I've had ocd and depression for the last 21 years. I worry about contamination as I have a phobia of dog dirt and find it difficult going out of the house. I'm just starting on sertaline for my depression after being on prozac for the last 10 years. I also have just started to see a cbt therapist to discuss the real root of my depression and ocd. Its not easy as its embarrasing and painful opening up to someone but we have to be totally honest if we want help. About 12 years ago I used to go through a bar of soap a day and my hands were red and full of cuts - very painful. I have got the handwashing under control but like many ocd sufferers my problems shift from one thing to another and the severity deepens on what other things are going on in my life.
It's good you signed up to this website as everybody genuinely tries to help eachother. Noboby knows how horrible it is to have ocd until they have suffered themselves.As Tess said you probably do know other suffers it's just we are very good at hiding it because of the risk of being judged, but this forum is non judgemental and I'm sure you find comfort from it.

Thu Oct 6 2011 19:26:23 #
Zara112
Member

Can someone please tell me how to start my own topic?

Fri Oct 7 2011 8:47:55 #
angel above
Member

when u come 2 the list of treads on the top of list on right hand side it says post topic.hi skitty kitty i to have the dreaded intrusive thoughts they have compleatly taking over my life again since i came off my meds think ill be heading back 2 see doc again very soon,i know exactly how u feel so anytime u need a chat pm me best wishes
trish xx

Fri Oct 7 2011 9:23:43 #
Zara112
Member

thank you

Fri Oct 7 2011 9:53:38 #
angel above
Member

no problem xx

Fri Oct 7 2011 11:54:58 #
BT
Member

Skitty_Kitty, I understand why you don’t think exposure therapy will work for some of your obsessions. If your fear of harm is a general one, say a belief that someone you don’t know will be murdered if you resist a compulsion, obviously with so many awful crimes occurring such a murder is likely to take place. However, for fears concerning people you know, you would see that no harm came to them, if you resisted your compulsions. Of course, it’s terribly hard to face such therapy, when the belief that harm is almost inevitable if we resist. But, for all your obsessions, you could be helped with the right therapist.

With Pure ‘O’ it’s even harder, I feel, because there are no compulsions to resist. Can you write about what Pure ‘O’ symptoms you have?

I also know what you mean about taking any form of action (even writing about your worries) and fearing this could lead to bad things happening. I used to be convinced of that. Sometimes even now, I will delete certain words, because a thought crosses my mind that if the words are left a terrible event will occur. I try to resist doing this and often succeed, but sometimes the fear is overwhelming and I cave in. Other times, I have something I want to say to a family member, something perfectly harmless and light-hearted, but the OCD causes me to believe that by voicing whatever is on my mind, someone around me will be harmed. Again, I usually ignore this, but it’s very hard.

You spoke about being in a religious family. Have you asked your priest/minister for advice? My vicar was a wonderful help to me. Priests were counselling people with OCD long before psychologists and psychiatrists!

Fri Oct 7 2011 12:33:45 #
Skitty_Kitty
Member

Thanks for all your messages, much appreciated

Unfortunately, something like that did happen, which was the trigger when I was younger. One of my family members was really ill though, and was in hospital and well, I never remember - but I always thought me not saying the right thing was the cause for... why he isn't here today (so hard for me to say this). For that reason, I really can't do exposure therapy. It must be coincidence right? I'm so sad posting that.

I get this on the phone and with text too - I have to keep this message up!

Sun Oct 9 2011 8:47:31 #
BT
Member

I knew someone who had the same experience, so I understand how this has reinforced your obsession. (Her granddad died when she stopped doing a particular compulsion). Yes, it's a tragic coincidence, but your OCD will tell you otherwise. I still think with the right help you might see that your compulsions are not actually keeping people safe, but the exposure for it would be tough.

Sun Oct 9 2011 11:38:46 #
jon
Member

just to add to this thread my OCD kicked in soon after the death of a family member also - I don't remember any association with anything I did or did'nt do, but maybe there was someting in the sub-conscience at play?
also when my OCD kicks in I get anxiety and depression at the same time - but I think the anxiety triggers the depression.

Sun Oct 9 2011 13:08:16 #
Zara112
Member

Jon, alot of your problems are so similar to mine, and i also dont really know anyone with the,m (ocd,axiety,depresion) Well only people who think they have ocd, but clearly does not, which frustrates me.

Sun Oct 9 2011 14:35:20 #
Zara112
Member

If you find it hard ot seek help; try edging your selfinto it, by reading a book on cbt, or researching other ways ot get help. This may trick your mind into being less distructive when you seek profesional help

Sun Oct 9 2011 14:38:16 #
jon
Member

Hi Zara, I've read some books and practice a sort of self CBT - I have never done profesional cbt, either because I dont really trust the professionals to know more about my mind than I do or due to circumstance, I dont have any specific fears as to what might happen if I dont do a compulsion (or ritual) - I just get anxious and depressed if I dont do it, thats why I think maybe its something to do with the sub-conscience.

Mon Oct 10 2011 13:38:11 #
Zara112
Member

John,

The way i see it, is that although the profesionals dont know your mind more than you do, they do now how to help fix it, or atleast give you some techniques to help.

Ive had theropy and stugled with its relevance, but when theresnot much hope else where, its all you can really cling to, yuno?

Mon Oct 10 2011 13:54:01 #
jon
Member

Yes Zara you are probabaly right - maybe I should give professional cbt a shot - the way I am now, I am not really making any progress - just stubbornly muddling through. :?...thanks, I appreciate your advice.

Mon Oct 10 2011 14:07:44 #
Zara112
Member

Well you have nothnig to loose, one bit of adivce i can offer is.. do the excercises they ask you to do, i didnt bother with the mas much as i should, so i didnt get much out of the theropy

Mon Oct 10 2011 14:41:35 #
Salford Pete
Member

Jon & Zara - my experience of CBT is similar to yours Zara in that I had 20 sessions & felt really positive during them,but struggled to put it all into practice at home.Jon, I would certainly go for professional help if I were you- it may be the thing which makes you feel better.g

Mon Oct 10 2011 21:51:42 #
jon
Member

Thanks guys - yes Pete, its the putting into practice is'nt it, not due to laziness but because OCD is so damned relentless, day after day.......

Its a bit awkward for me currently to get cbt due to where I am and what I am doing, but I will need to figure something out. Jon

Tue Oct 11 2011 3:22:29 #
Zara112
Member

Slaford Pete, I do regret it now, but my mind was working aginst me ot even do that. I have tried private theropy and nhs, and theres really not muc hdifferance betwee nthe both.

Tue Oct 11 2011 8:11:51 #
Skitty_Kitty
Member

I feel the same, it's been so long and I can't believe I haven't gotten help. I guess it's now because I'm losing my job, my studies are now finished and it's this emptiness I'm filling with the OCD. I see people disappearing on the news and on facebook and think it's my fault if I've forgotten to do a ritual. Happened last night and everything's feels horrible. I don't get as much OCD when I don't read bad news. I know it happens everywhere but I can't handle it. Sometimes I think I'd be better off in a white space full of nothing, no stimulation at all...

I'm at the stge of figuring out for myself too, Jon. CBT worked well for my depression and got me back into 6th form all that time ago so now its time to find help again! Zara and Pete, I found it hard when I had CBT to put into practise too. The sessions can feel very separate from day to day life. I felt I had to incorporate it or I would never go to uni, and now I've finished my masters

Tue Oct 11 2011 8:12:07 #
Skitty_Kitty
Member

BT and Jon, that's really sad to hear (sorry, I feel a little uneasy about reading old threads of mkine for some reason so I tend sometimes to accidentallyt skim over posts). It's been happening a lot to me lately, whether it's a famous person or someone's family member. Facebook is never OCD friendly - have stopped using the site for long periods of time.

Tue Oct 11 2011 8:14:24 #
Zara112
Member

I no its stupid ,but i am one of thoughs people who finds it difficult to keep up on my own, espeshally if i dont see results straight away

Tue Oct 11 2011 8:16:46 #
jon
Member

Skitty_Kitty,credit to you for getting your masters despite the OCD ball & chain you've had to pull around - it actually doubles your achievement.
Re your white space analogy, mine is a desert island with nothing but a few fruit trees (OK maybe I would add a bar!)

Zara - I do agree we need a lot of support and encouragement in this

Tue Oct 11 2011 9:15:09 #
Salford Pete
Member

Jon,Zara & kitty.Isnt it strange that we have different thoughts that we have in our minds,yet we all have similar fears over things like bad news on the tv or radio,or feeling OCD needs to fill a gap which we insist is in our lives?The analogies I have tht illustrate how I picture my OCD is that of a mouse on his little wheel whirring around time & time again or having blinkers on my head which only focuses me on OCD stuff.I often feel the need to almost scoop out bits of my mind,which is a bit daft but is sometimes the way I feel!

Wed Oct 12 2011 21:06:04 #
Zara112
Member

Salford Pere, your right it is quite interesting.

My mind never shuts of from the ocd..some people ca njust lie and listen to music, I can never do that, so me sort of ocd will come into my head.
I know theres always someone worse ofthan me, but it doesnt stop my battle.

The ocd i have learn to incorporate into my life, althoguh its still tough,its the axiety i suffer with that really cripples me.
I also suffer with csp which is such a pain

Thu Oct 13 2011 7:44:15 #
Salford Pete
Member

Hi Zara- I'm like you completely in that it's the anxiety ALL THE TIME that IS crippling.totally agree.also,I've described to my therapist that that I feel that the OCD 'fills a gap' in my head,as if that if it wasn't OCD in my head,what else would be?
forgive me,I'm not awareof csp - can youbtell me what it is & how itnaffects you?
thanks.Pete.

Fri Oct 14 2011 21:38:23 #
Tess
Member

Hi Salford Pete
I've never come across the expression 'filling a gap in my head' before but oh, how it resonates with me, that's just how I feel. The OCD is all part and parcel of who I am and my mind whirrs at such lightening speed that in some weird way it feels that the OCD is needed to make me a complete person. Yet I know rationally that I don't need the OCD, I was still very much me right through my childhood and school and uni before OCD reared it's terrible head and I certainly didn't need it then to fill my brain.
But then I guess this all ties up with the theory that there is something physiological going wrong in the OCD brain.

Sat Oct 15 2011 9:07:18 #