OCD Action

AlwaysWearingFlorals
Member

Hey,

I hope that nobody minds but I am a bit emotional at the moment, I've been trying to think how my OCD started and its brought back some painful memories - things I could never bring myself to say to anyone close to me. So I've tried to write it down and post it here - just to get it out. If anyones got any words of wisdom I'd love to hear from you. My OCD started when I was about 13, I was always a massive worrier as a kid and had a really overactive imagination - people thought I'd grow up to be an author as I was always reading and writing millions of stories. In hindsight, I suppose excessive worrying and a huge imagination dont mix that well. Anyway when I was 13 my mum was ill and I think thats when I first started my rituals. I knew what OCD was and I knew I was beginning to show signs of it, I remember reading that sometimes a traumatic event can bring it on and I thought once my mum was better I would get better as well. I kept it to myself as I thought my parents had enough to worry about at the time. Then the bullying started, along with the acne, and suddenly I'm 27 yet I cant forget being bullied when I was a teenager. Although never particuarly timid, I have never been an assertive person and have let people walk all over me, at school, at work, everywhere. I had bad acne as a kid and was called ugly on a daily basis - this would have been easier to take on the chin if it was one group of people but literally everywhere I went people were there having a pop about the way I looked. There were one group of girls at my school - words cant describe how vicious these girls were. And I have no idea why - I never did anything to them, I just wanted to be liked. I ended up failing most of my exams and leaving school early, and now work in a rewarding but terribly paid care job. I went back to nightschool and got a diploma in care but anything in the care profession pays peanuts. I could never afford and to be honest havent got the time to go and get a degree through OU or anything like that. I also ended up in a succession of mentally abusive relationships - I think I was attracted to the "bad boys" mainly as I saw them as a form of protection. I dont need to tell you that years of even worse treatment at their hands just ruined my self esteem further.

I developed worse OCD as a result of all the bullying as well, which has got worse and worse over the years - I have just started seeing a pschyotherapist to try and help me with this. I feel so pathetic - 12 years after I left school, I still think of those that hurt me so much, still feel angry that they have got away with what they did and are happy while I'm 27 and a wreck, still want to get my own back on them for the things they did to me and for the chain of events they started - and still live in fear of ever bumping into them. Even though were grownup now, I know they would just laugh and make all the same bitchy comments they used to. I want to know why God sees fit to let these cruel people be so carefree while I have never deliberately hurt anyone, have always tried to be nice and kind and yet I am miserable and a prisoner to OCD and the pain of my past.

I have some great friends and a lovely family, but I feel like the best years of my life have been stolen from me.

Fri Jan 27 2012 19:35:55 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there, crikey we have so much in common here... In fact the very reason I won't use facebook is because they weren't my friends then, so I dont want them to be my friends now... I too wonder why these people were so cruel when we were younger...
Life is very cruel at times, and especially at school for me too, and just like you, all I wanted was to be liked... It isn't fair that us sensitive ones get walked all over, simply because we try to get on with everyone...I too feel like my childhood should have been a lot better, but cannot change that now... I try to like myself these days.... And you should too my friend...
Welcome back to the forums...
Wannabe

Fri Jan 27 2012 20:06:16 #
AlwaysWearingFlorals
Member

Hi Wannabe,

I feel a bit embarassed reading my post back - I hate sounding like such a victim. Think thats why I have never been able to fully describe how bad my teenage years were to anyone, coz I find it embarassing to admit how weak I am. Thanks for replying - I try to think of positive traits I have,and I try to be a good person so I dont feel guilt or self loathing but it doesnt always work - maybe its a form of OCD that I always have images and thoughts of these bastards in the back of my mind ready to taunt me? Got no idea.

Re your welcoming me back to the forum, I work shifts so not always online but I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your support, thanks, and I hope you're doing ok.

Fri Jan 27 2012 21:26:53 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there... I think it takes great courage to say things like you did... There is this thing about being seen to be weak... But it takes great strength to survive such awful experiences... And yet we come through them... It isn't easy... I too feel like a victim sometimes, but I try hard to cope...
Wannabe

Fri Jan 27 2012 21:39:21 #
AlwaysWearingFlorals
Member

I know millions of people get given a hard time at school, have bad experiences, I dont know why I cant let go of it and forget it though, why it still bothers me so much? I just want to be like other people and be able to "rise above it" and not care, instead of replaying it and wondering why/what theyd do if I saw them again - I can remember being desperate to be 18, in my teenage eyes by the time I was 18 I would be an adult and all of that crap would be behind me - here I am at 27 still suffering. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!! And when they enter my mind, I feel such panic I have to complete yet another ritual to try and get rid of them. Still beating me.

Fri Jan 27 2012 21:49:39 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there... It isn't easy, and I'm in my mid fifties...
Bullies are basically cowards throwing the first stones to keep others away...
The meek shall inherit the earth it says somewhere, and yet the bullies rise to positions of power in the workplace and in politics, and things like that......
You will get through this, but it takes time, and a lot of resilience... OCD is a bully, it leaves us stuck so often... But we have to push on... We have to, for as long as it takes... You and I... All of us... Together...
Relax the body to relax the mind... Sounds easy, it isn't... But I try to do relaxation stuff, helps to try and quell the emotion... If you get agressive, the bully wins... That is how they get to us...
Try to get some sleep tonight... There will be a better day tomorrow, there has to be hope... That's what these forums are all about...
Wannabe

Fri Jan 27 2012 22:32:36 #