OCD Action

Stuy89
Member

Hello everyone,

I just thought I'd explain my story of living with this horrible 'condition' (Actually what is OCD classed as? A mental illness?) I dont really like that term 'cause it kinda worries me that I might be a psycho or something.

Anyways I just thought I'd explain my experience so hopefully others can relate and possible find comfort and not feel so alone so I apologise if I sound self-pitying or a bit of a hyerchondriac at any point lol

Well at first I just thought it was depression. I'd just left school and got a job working in a factory which I hated and I hated myself because I felt like I'd failed in life. I always felt down and close to tears most of the time. But then I was starting to get these horrible thoughts about the future, that something terrible was going to happen to me or someone I cared about. I remember going out with everyone from work for my 18th birthday and the week leading up to it I was just full of dread because I was convinced I was going to get hit by a car at some point during the night and be killed (God knows why) Then I remember when that Large Hadron ColLider thing got started up I was depressed and on edge for about 3 months leading up to that because the world was going to end. And these weren't just small little worries, they lasted days and kept me awake at night, they seem strange to me now, even laughable like 'Why the hell did I worry about that?" But I remember being terrified all the time.

Then when I was having panic attacks, which were in my mind heart attacks or stokes, I went to the doctors and he said I was too young for anti-depressants so he sent me for counselling which was alright but there was very little talking, I was just given a different booklet to read every time I went so I stopped going which I kinda regret. My doctor asked me last time I went about feeling anxious all the time if I wanted to start the counselling again and that I could keep going for up to a year but I just didn't feel like it was working for me, personally (I'm not suggesting at all that other people should avoid counselling if that's what their doctor recommends)

I'm almost 23 now and I still have these huge spikes of dread and self-loathing and they usually last 2-3 days before they've completely buggered off but when they do start it's like my mind convinces itself IT IS REAL or IT WILL HAPPEN and I'll spend a lot of the time lying in bed because that's all I have the energy to do.

I'll just give you some examples...

If I've picked up a sharp knife to cut some food I worry I might slash my own wirsts or stab someone with it.
Getting into a car I still think it will crash.
Touching something like raw meat or eggs will always give me food posioning no matter how much I wash my hands in scolding hot water.
If I so much as look at a child I'm automatically a paedophile
If I see a member of my family I haven't done for a while I worry I might fancy them.
When I'm in a mood I worry I might one day snap and lash out violently at someone.
I always think in 10 years time I'll be dead, somehow (That's a biggie)

I only have a few mild compulsions and they are.

Washing my hands a lot

I smoke so before I go to bed I have to check and make sure the ashtray is dead and it has to be arranged so it's away from everything (Incase suddenly a spec of ash might still be alight and bounce out of the ashtray and set fire to something...eventually the house)

I also use hair straighteners so after I've unplugged them I have to look at the empty plug socket for at least five seconds to convince myself they are unplugged otherwise I'll spend all day worrying that they're still on and will also set the house on fire.

They do sound ridiculous I know but. I can't help it

Sorry If I've bored anyone or sound like a headcase but thanks for reading anyways

Stuy

Mon Jan 23 2012 0:00:11 #
Aimboy
Member

Hey Stuy

I can certainly relate to some of the things you've said, all this malarky with the hadron collider and the end of the world really got me worrying. The recent end of the world prophecies made by that guy in the US also really got me worrying and inevitably depressed. I dont really mess around with meat for fear of contamination, what u said about looking at children, for me its other people will automatically label me a peadophile. I have a mild form of checking and do recheck all electrical appliances as im scared ill cause a fire. I used to wash my hands a lot but thats eased off now thankfully. Some OCD issues i have which i dont know if anyone can relate to is:-
scared of gas cookers, fear that i have a life threatening illness, OCD issue more recently about balding, and i dont know if this has anything to do with OCD but ive always had this fear that someones planted a camcorder in my room and are always watching me :/

Joe

Mon Jan 23 2012 0:40:48 #
Stuy89
Member

Hi Aimboy thanks for replying,

Yes to the gas cookers, I'm hoping to get my first every flat soon and I've been thinking alot about the gas. I'm determined not to get a gas cooker for fear it will blow up. I also have the same worries about my health, especially HIV. I feel consumed with guilt whenever someone in our houses uses the bath cause I think they will catch HIV off whenever I've used it (I dont even have HIV) Another one of my compulsions which I forgot to mention was that, well, I started drinking green tea a couple of years ago cause there was a lot of stuff about how good it is for you etc and I enjoy drinking it but now it's become a bit of comuplsion to make sure i drink at least 3-5 cups of it a day to stop myself getting ill or cancer or a blood clot of some sort. bizzare

Stuy

Mon Jan 23 2012 1:23:11 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya Stuy -

although numerous fears that you describe are alien to me (some others I can relate to, mind), I think that you gave an entirely honest and clear presentation of what worries you so much. I am no psychiatrist, mind (I got my M.Sc. in neurobiology), but I guess that you have some form of general anxiety disorder with features of OCD. You are prone to attach intense fears to many situations, and these fears can assume quite different guises.

What surprises me is that the doctor did not want to prescribe anti-depressants, despite the fact that you were older than 18 at the time (if I read your post correctly). Usually, there's not much of an age issue in this, although I must add that, based on some medical reports, children should preferably not be given paroxetine, because they can develop feelings of depression just after having started them. But as far as I can see, this is advice more out of extreme cautiousness than out of really bad events - the pharmacological industry would collapse if there'd be suspicions of accidents in these matters.

Antidepressants can be quite effective in fighting irrational fears, and sometimes an adjunct type of medicine (quetiapine, for instance) is given, to prevent the mind from going into all kinds of directions, uncontrollably so, and building up intense fears because of this (see it as the 'uncontrollability' of thoughts about harm, so to speak).

Hope this helps somewhat, and you're always welcome to PM me about the matter.

Best, Cuthbert.

Mon Jan 23 2012 8:52:31 #
Stuy89
Member

Hey Cuthbert,

Thanks for your reply but I was just interested to know what is the difference between General Anxiety Disorder and OCD?

Mon Jan 23 2012 16:58:06 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there Stuy, and everyone... Yes, I think a lot of what we fear isn't helped by end of the world predictions and things like that. The media in the world today is so negative, it makes us negative, and with negative thinking we acheive nothing... I'm trying hard to be positive too, it isn't easy, but it is possible I guess. As regards the difference between OCD and anxiety disorder, I reckon I have them both! The main differences to me are that depression is a feeling of general lowness for most of the time, whereas the ocd is slightly different, with the compulsions to make sure things are okay, well sort of... I worry that things aren't clean enough, when the probably are... I struggle to stop washing my hands, it has been even worse over the last couple of days, but that is on my thread, so enough said about it.
Depression can be brought on by struggling with OCD symptoms, but also by just feeling hopeless, generally down.It's horrid isn't it?
Wannabe

Mon Jan 23 2012 19:34:17 #