OCD Action

Citaloman
Member

My name is Citaloman, my name is based on the drugs i have been taking to try and fix my frazzled brain, i also take Valium but that wont fit into my name. 10 weeks ago me and my partner split (if she reads this she knows that i care for her beyond belief), and my worrying flared up beyond belief.

Here is my first ever thread.

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/help-please-scared-and-tired

Last night i cried looking up at the stars whilst walking my dog, this has become standard practice for the last 10 weeks. I even prayed to God or whoever will listen that things would be ok, i prayed for some sort of miracle. Not being a religious type i always pull out prayer from my arsenal of coping tactics when i feel depressed and i worry. (note i am using the word worry instead of OCD)

The first time i felt this pain or as i describe it and many others as an iron band around my head was in 2009 when my life became so stressful and i didn't even see it happening. I was working in a new job and trying to please everyone but myself. I helped a student get off Crack Cocaine and assisted many others achieve their goals. (yes i work in Higher education)

Around December 2009 i began to furiously check the gas, i even drove home once to check from work. I would sniff the gas rings and press the ignition..! I then started to worry about something in my past that had not worried me before. Xmas 2009 was dreadful i could not stop thinking about one thing, over and over and over.

(as i write this by the way my black dog as Winston Churchill used to put it is trying to discourage me)

My mum could see what was happening and made me read her copy of "Self Help For Your Nerves" Claire Weekes whilst everyone else was enjoying their Christmas.

Yet did i know that a month later i would be being taken home from my house by my mum and dad after suffering what i can only describe as a massive panic attack. My poor girlfriend must not have realized what was going on. I remember the motorway lights just going past me one by one in the darkness.

I then spent months away from work (4 in fact) taking Beta Blockers and Valium as well as my friend Citalopram. I lost so much weight and

"Hold on its happening again. The Black Dog is trying to get me to stop writing."

i began to walk around my village alone and finding refuge in a forest where i would sit and cry for hours and hours on end. I wont deny that the urge to stop the pain were very frequent. I even cut my arm once with a credit card that i snapped just to feel something. The urge still remains today but i try and fight through. At this point i want to just write a bit about a special lady who i know this paragraph will affect. To "Tess" i know that you will have very strong emotions when reading this, but i want you to know that you have been and will continue to be a very big part of my life in the next few months while i try and get on with my life, and you're words of wisdom and experience always give me hope.

I'm getting somewhere with this thread don't worry. My mum who i go on about allot who i love with all my heart has been through the OCD mill many times, If it was not for her i would most likely be in an institution or worse. When she had it they called it "depression". She told the doctor about her thoughts and they told her that she should not have thought it and it was her fault. My mum always says "i wish i had forums or people that understood around me when i was ill".

In 2009 i was never told i had OCD by a doctor, even my therapist never used the word, he just grinned when i said sometimes i opened toilet doors with my feet. What a waste of time he was.

My life improved after 4 months and i returned to my home and girlfriend and back to work continuing with the lie of that i had slipped a disc to work colleagues and friends.

I quit my position at work and moved down a level to get me adjusted to work again. The next two years were ok. But i was always reminded of a new worry i had during my time off in 2009. (you can see what this was in my thread)

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/help-please-scared-and-tired

For 10 weeks now i have doubted that i have anything wrong with me and that i am just a weird freak. I have posted on here, i don't think i have OCD. My doctor even said it and i doubted it...!

They say OCD people have a high IQ and therefore the need to fully understand something is needed, looking for answers etc. I don't feel i have a high IQ but my need of certainty and understanding is like a drug. I must have it.

Last night i posted that my life in my eyes was over, me and my OCD action buddy SlogSweep both feel this frequently and he and i have both helped each other through. Again i see nothing but good things for this fella and i wonder what his first published book could be about...?!

After posting this i cried allot and watched the most depressing but yet beautiful film "The Road". I then fell asleep so tired from crying.

I woke this morning feeling a bit brighter. I am not sure if crying before bed helps but i felt sort of ok. I then went for a walk with my Mum and Dad around a lovely stately home. On this walk i had the same thoughts buzzing round my head, the same thing that has been worrying me for 10 weeks non-stop. And in my mission to try and solve my problem i thought of a time when i wasn't worrying about it. See my problem is i look for evidence that helps me prove myself innocent. I became happy and thought yes.. this is great im coming out of it...!

THEN...

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Adrenaline

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Sickness

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Back to square one, my brain flipped it on its head and turned the evidence around on me just like a loaded gun.

I have just been watching TV with my Mum and have been feeling really off due to this set back. But then something else happened.

I suddenly thought OCD is the disease of doubt..!

One minute its ok the next im in pieces.

My name is CITALOMAN and today i "think" i have come to terms with the fact i have a mental illness. I have OCD.

I haven't took this approach until today. As i write this i still doubt it now but i am going to finish this thread whether or not it kills me.

For me ACCEPTANCE means ACCEPTING OCD is in me.

My name is CITALOMAN and i have intrusive thoughts, i have checked and counted.

My name is Citaloman and i have OCD as well as a black dog on my shoulder.

This post is dedicated to Wannabefree, SlogSweep and Tess.

Black Dog by the Manic Street Preachers.

Lyrics[/i]

[i](link deleted due to inapropriate material/advertising Nimrod, Keymaster)

Video[u]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6m6PP6l2Duw

Mon Jan 2 2012 20:34:31 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Citaloman... Spot on, OCD is the disease of Doubt... That is spot on... It makes us doubt who we are, where we're going, how things were in the past, everything... That song is good too, One of my Sons was into the Manics, they do several songs around depression, I believe... Depression and OCD seem to go hand in hand, I reckon I have them both sometimes, though with me it is mainly OCD... It has to come right, it just has to, otherwise there is no justice in the world... We don't deserve to suffer like this, none of us... It just isn't fair for anyone to suffer, but life is cruel... Very cruel to us sensitive ones... And yet, as you quite rightly say, if God needed an army of angels, then that is us... The gentle ones... Ones who are at far more risk of harming ourselves than another... We must protect ourselves a bit from this, because we are worth it, we are all of us special each in our own unique way...
We have to hold on for the day when things come right for us, have to keep believing that this will come right in time... By whatever treatment necessary for it to happen... Thank you for posting this thread, CItaloman, it gives great food for thought, something I guess we all do a little too much of, thinking I mean! Keep posting, we will get through this together my friend, we will, simply because it is there for us to achieve...
Wannabe

Mon Jan 2 2012 21:44:39 #
slogsweep
Member

Very well written buddy, great to see you've found some positivity.

You probably get the same comfort from the Manics as I do from The Smiths. Some of their lyrics speak to me beyond belief,

"When I'm lying in my bed,
And I think about life and I think about death,
And neither one, particularly,
Appeals to me."

There's a website that has all of their lyrics on. I always use google for it so I can't give a proper address off the top of my head.

Other good bands/singers/rappers for OCD sufferers IMO: Early David Bowie, Lou Reed, The Velvet Underground, Joy Division, Nirvana, The Specials, Death Cab For Cutie, Eliot Smith, Kate Bush, Morrissey, Alice In Chains, Arrested Development, De La Soul, Hole, Orange Juice, Mary J. Blige and DJ Shadow.

All make thought provoking music and most comment on mental illness in a supportive way. I guess most of us have intense personalities that appreciate things like lyrics and heartfelt emotion through songs.

Hope you find more stuff you enjoy, well done on the positivity,

Slog

Mon Jan 2 2012 23:33:33 #
Tess
Member

Citaloman, that is an absolutely beautiful piece of writing and it is more than worthy of the creativity section but I would like to see it in there. I don't know what else to say other than if I have helped you then that makes me feel very happy so thank you so much for saying that. But now I want to see you go further and actually get on top of this hateful OCD bully and tame that black dog so that it becomes a faithful companion. Because managed OCD can bring many positives to our lives, OCD does not come alone, it brings us exceptional cognitive abilities frequently accompanied by creative talents and the suffering that OCD causes brings empathy and compassion for others. Right now you are probably facing the biggest battle of your life but it will pave the way for a better future.

Tue Jan 3 2012 11:17:36 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Citaloman, I agree, you have a talent for writing... As Tess says, we don't get OCD on its' own, we have other talents that come sort of with it, or that being good at allows us to have OCD... So when we get to the point of managing our OCD, the other talents will come through with it... So an ability to write like that shows immense ability... Which subjects do you mainly work with in work? Cos it is said that everyone has a book inside them, but it is the writer who puts it on a page... Good stuff!
Wannabe

Tue Jan 3 2012 21:36:16 #