OCD Action

12 Next »

89tjr
Member

Firstly I'd like to apologise in advance for the insanely long post, and I'd also like to apologise for any confusion I may cause (it's late!)

I've had OCD since I was about 7 (I'm 22 now), and as a little background my OCD has for the most part been related to my personal objects. However more recently it's gone into other areas and also areas surrounding my life and future (which is more what this post is detailing). Another thing worth noting is that ever since I was a young kid I've always wanted to become an animator, but throughout the last year I've had complete doubts about my choice.

Life was pretty decent in 2010 (2nd year of college). My work was in my opinion the best it's possibly been, I was beginning to become motivated, I was starting to open out of my shell a bit, and my insanely low confidence was starting to grow (albeit slightly, and I do mean slightly). I was slowly starting to enjoy life, which was actually pretty new to me in my more recent years.

Fast-forward to the 2010/2011 academic year (BA year) and issues soon took their toll, and I managed to lose every ounce of the confidence I had from the previous year. It also didn't help that the tutors expected more from me than others, and even subtly said this. You see in my 2nd year I helped out a bit on an award winning animated short film by some then BA students, and the tutors fully expected me to reach the same level for my short film. Because of this I felt I had a larger burden on my hands compared to others in the class. As the year went on I noticed my OCD was getting worse and worse, to the point where even my friends were starting to question why I was acting in the ways I was acting. My work quality was also degrading heavily throughout the BA year, and this along with other things shattered my confidence and motivation. It's really no surprise that my short film wasn't completed in the end. It also didn't help that throughout the year I was starting to question my career choice (animation), and I think deep down this was one of the reasons for a terrible year. 6 months on and I lack a job, and I still have fears of the industry.

Another concern I have is how little I actually socialised during my time at college. Now I know college is a time to learn, but it's also a time to meet new people and start relationships. In that respect my main concern is the lack of ever having a girlfriend (pathetic I know), and that could very much be a contributing factor in why I've felt the way I have recently. Part of the spike in confidence for my 2010 year was because of finding out a friend of mine liked me (who I went on a few dates with that year), but I soon ended it with her knowing that we both wanted different things in a relationship. She had been out with a lot of guys before, whereas I hadn't gone out with anyone before and thus wanted something less serious. I was expecting this burst of confidence to continue into my BA year, but it sadly didn't. Like many people I enjoy going out and socialising, but that's something that barely happened to me during my time in college. Now that it's over I fear never having the chance again to live what I missed during college, especially after hearing how many hours I could potentially be doing when I get a job in the animation industry.

Anyway it's all getting to me, and I've felt incredibly depressed this past year for the reasons I've stated. The only plus side is with the dawn of the new year is that I've started to feel a bit happier, but I'm not entirely sure how long it'll last. It's also worth noting I've never gotten help for my OCD so I'll ensure I actually have the courage to get help this year, but any advice would be welcome.

Also once again sorry for the long (and probably) confusing post!

Tue Jan 10 2012 3:19:44 #
Pepper
Member

Hi 89tjr, I'm sorry I wrote an answer to your post but pressed a button somehow and deleted it. Will try and remember what i wrote and try to post it again tomorrow if i can. Taker care.

Tue Jan 10 2012 23:26:45 #
89tjr
Member

No problem Pepper! And thanks.

Also sorry if the post doesn't make much sense, it was late when I posted it!

Wed Jan 11 2012 13:34:36 #
Sappy
Member

Don't think like that. You didn't finish your short film but that's another reason why you should do better in the future. Don't give up, fight your way through your problems and good things will happen

Wed Jan 11 2012 19:41:46 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Sappy, welcome to the forums, Hi 89tjr, welcome to you too... yes, it is important to stay positive... Get to a GP, get sorted for some help, and then put your life back on track. Medication can help, as can CBT, but get help... Is it possible to re-do th final year of the BA course again? Sometimes it is possible I believe... If you can, get hold of some animation software for your computer, and practice that way? I know very little about film animation, in fact nothing about it, but you have experience, you have ability, you have talent. Go with what you know... But get your GP's help too, this is not a battle to fight on your own...
Wannabe

Wed Jan 11 2012 21:39:54 #
89tjr
Member

Thanks for the replies!

As I mentioned I'll try and get the courage to go to the doctors for my OCD sometime this year, because it's needed but I fear too much about it.

Oh and I think another reason the film failed (along with my problems) was the college. You see we recently moved to a new building in London and since it was the first year in the new building things didn't seem to go so smoothly for the tutors, and thus all of the students. In the end no one managed to finish their short films on my course, and the blame was pointed directly at the students. I truly believe I would've finished it had I been more dedicated and motivated, but luckily the final grade is based upon the individual work you create and not the film. Because of this I managed to somehow get a 2:1, but it's just a shame I have barely anything substantial to show for the year.

I'm slowly starting to get more motivated on my work again this year, but my confidence issues in regards to meeting new people really are hindering me quite a bit I think. A lot of it is negativity based on me not being good enough, and when I do go out (which is rare due to my lack of outgoing friends) I find it difficult to open up because I worry to much about what people will think of me. It upsets me because I really want to open up and socialise more, but I don't feel I have the means to do that. That's one of the reasons I fear getting a job, since I worry I'll never have the chance to meet new people and actually party for once in my life. It feels like that life is gone before it's even started. I worry about if I wont have the time to do the things I've mentioned along with a few other things such as learning to drive, and be in a band/gig.

Also tomorrow I'm going to Jobseekers for the first time, which is absolutely scaring me beyond belief. I need the money but I'm focused more on trying to get my portfolio up to scratch first. I'm only doing it since my friends and parents think I should, but I'm absolutely petrified about what's going to happen.

Anyway sorry for the complete mess of my posts, I feel the need to get everything down before I forget.

Thu Jan 12 2012 15:03:11 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there... I would take heart that no one completed their film. If you'd been the only one it would have been a lot different. But when everyone is in the same boat so to speak... Is a 2:1 a good degree? I know nothing of these things, but I guess it is a pass, and that is the main thing, no need for a resit, that kind of thing. Jobseekers won't force you to do anything you really don't want to do, but at least will get you some money coming in as you say, so it should be alright. I went to a jobcentre on Monday, told them about my OCD, and the outcome was, in the end, fine I think. It may be a government department, but they are still people. Something in the meantime, if you wish to do before seeing GP, is reading. Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive disorder, by David Veale and Rob Willson is a good place to start. Available from Amazon.
Wannabe

Thu Jan 12 2012 16:46:21 #
Pepper
Member

Hi 89tjr,
sorry its taken me so long to get back to you, I work long shifts so not had a chance up until now. First of all well done on the degree a 2:1 is an amazing achievement and you should be really proud of that.
Its good that your getting motivated to do your work again, I know i've found that having something positive to focus on and keeping my mind active has been a real lifesaver for me recently.
Getting to the doctor sounds like a good idea, its daunting at first but making the decision to help yourself can be a massive step in the right direction.
I know that low self confidence can be a real issue and its daunting to think of going out meeting new people and getting a job etc, but it sounds like this is what you really want to do and you may surprise yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of interests and ambitions and that can be a really good starting point in getting to know people. Sorry this is a bit garbled, I'm tired tonight and finding it difficult to put things into words. Take care
Pepper

Thu Jan 12 2012 21:38:30 #
89tjr
Member

Yeah a 2:1 is almost like a B-grade essentially. Also I don't aim to be on Jobseekers for long, but I'm still somewhat struggling to get motivated to work on my portfolio. I'm better compared to last year however, but I get too easily sidetracked. I always open the animation software and feel almost overwhelmed to look at it. I do bits and bobs, but I never put as much time into it as I used to. Any advice in that respect?

There's a lot I want to do this year, the most prominent one aside from getting a job is being in a band. I've always wanted to be in one, and I'm saddened I hadn't been in one sooner. It's funny, but I'm almost thinking more unrealistically about my life prospect at the moment. The guy who wants to be in one with me is seriously very talented, and it's almost deluded me into thinking it could go somewhere (which maybe it could). That's why I want to ensure I have the time to do such a thing, because it's always worth a try at least.

Not only that but going out and gigging could also help with my confidence and thus aid in amending some of my other issues.

Like I said I feel a bit better compared to last year, but I'm still very much confused and unsure with everything right now. :/

Tue Jan 17 2012 14:57:52 #
wannabefree
Member

A 'B' grade is good in my book too, I've been looking at my certificates tonight and veiwing my abilities... All the things I've done over the years, and now I'm here with this damn OCD. I acheived some really good passes in my exams, but I give a lot to be happy again.
Anyway, well done on you 2:1 pass on your degree.
Wannabe

Tue Jan 17 2012 21:23:52 #
89tjr
Member

Thanks very much for the help guys!

I can't express how lonely I really feel right now.

I have a few friends but they're barely up for doing anything, and I never have the chance to meet new people (let alone a girlfriend, and even when girls are there I don't have the courage to speak to them). My friends are either too busy, or not outgoing enough. I'm trying my hardest to go out as much as possible, but my friends (when they do decide to go out) only go out to more casual places. I'm also barely invited to parties (the last party I went to was the 2009/2010 New Years Eve party) and social gatherings and thus I'm a bit too shy to open up and meet new people.

It's really getting to me, I can't tell you how much I just want to go out and have fun and yet no one I know is up for doing this. Even if they were I don't have the ability to open up outside of my small circle of friends.

Argh!

Fri Jan 20 2012 0:37:52 #
Truddles
Member

Because of the problems that my epilepsy cause I too became too shy to speak to anyone. I got over this gradually by doing the following - I practised talking to the people that I encountered in every day situations. For instance I started by when paying at the checkout in the supermarket saying 'Good morning / afternoon' and the next time I then commented on the weather (typical brit ), I gradually increased what I said to them and others that I met.
Gradually my confidence returned and now I can talk to anyone, don't get me wrong I'm still nervous but I can now talk to people without running a mile and hiding.

Fri Jan 20 2012 19:54:50 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi guys, me too... I like to say Hello and thank you to the bus driver when I go out by bus, it feels good to do it. Trudy, I too tend to make eye contact with the till operators in shops now... It feels good, and makes their day too!
When I'm on the bus, I usually try to make eye contact with a small child or baby in a buggy, get them laughing, it always softens the moment. Mind you that's largely cos I'm a grandad myself!
Wannabe

Fri Jan 20 2012 21:07:01 #
89tjr
Member

Thanks guys. I'm actually already doing that to an extent, but hopefully I'll get somewhere after some time. Even when I was a bit more confident I still feared saying hello to guys and girls (mostly girls) outside of the ones I knew, mostly because I think too much and just assume no one would want to talk to me since I'm not good enough...

Anyway I was hoping to go out tonight but no one is up for doing anything as usual.

I can't tell you how alone I feel.

Sat Jan 21 2012 18:58:55 #
89tjr
Member

Sorry for bumping.

Some days I feel becoming an animator isn't really what I want to do, then others I have a more positive outlook on things.

My parents are pressuring me into becoming an animator, partially because I always wanted to become one when I was younger, and also because I spent 3 years in college training to become one. I can't seem to keep myself focused on it, nor do I feel like I'm enjoying it as much as I once did. It's a chore.

If it were up to me I'd be touring the world in a band, and I want to at least (unrealistically) try and get somewhere with music. But I know nothing will likely ever come from it.

I went through my whole life (up until recently) being constantly praised for my work, and I never get recognition for anything nowadays. I feel like a huge failure, and it has completely drained me.

I think what's happening is I'm having a quarter-life crisis, only OCD is escalating things and making them worse... I feel incredibly trapped and alone, and there's no one I can talk to with any of this. I've also started to notice my OCD far more, and I must say it has completely taken over. Everything I do is related to it.

I don't go out much, I never go to parties (and will probably never go out to parties, I may as well say goodbye to that), and I barely have friends. I feel trapped in the house, even when I want to. Not so much because of OCD (or maybe partially), but because I don't have anyone to go out with

From here on out it is work until I die, and it's really upsetting me. And considering I never socialised I've yet to live.

Sun Feb 19 2012 16:18:25 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi there! What type of musical instrument do you play? Have you had any thought about writing? I suggest that, cos I'm researching the amazon kindle publishing website myself at the moment. We all have a unique experience that can be written about, either in fiction, or non-fiction. It won't make a lot of money, but I guess the difference it can make to self esteem just has to be good. I'm not sure what to do as far as career goes, cos my age is against me now. There aren't that many jobs around to be had anyway. So now my hobbies take over. Socialise on the forums may be an idea to try... I've found some interesting forums on Amazon kindle, people helping each other into the world of self publishing. Stick with it my friend. They do say it is always darkest before the dawn, but I struggle with that one too!
Wannabe

Sun Feb 19 2012 16:42:40 #
89tjr
Member

Thanks for taking the time to respond!

As for the instrument I play, I play the guitar. I've always wanted to play in a band since I think it would help with my confidence, even if it was just on the side (or if by magic it went somewhere). I've got to be realistic, but I've also in many ways got to dream big. My friend is the reincarnation of Hendrix and Jeff Buckley, and considering he's in the band I think that's partially why I feel in all honesty it could go somewhere.

Outside of my pipe dream I have a lesser dream I've had from a kid, and even though my passion is dwindling at the moment these 2 dreams are in animation:

- Live abroad and work at one of the top animation studios (Pixar for example)
- Found my own animation company (given my OCD however, I think this one is even less possible)

Also although I do enjoy writing it's not something that really interests me at the moment, although who knows in the future eh? Oh and good luck with your writing endeavors Wannabefree!

Mon Feb 20 2012 14:37:20 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi again! Thank you for your kind words. I've always been amazed at the animation in movies. From Toy story through to Shrek, I've been amazed the way they get the soundtrack to match the animations of the characters faces, truly amazing stuff! Living abroad would probably give brighter weather, and some cultures are naturally up beat of Britain anyway... I find Britain to be a very negative place at the moment, especially in the north midlands where I live. To be surrounded by positive people would be a definite help in the cure for my OCD!
Wannabe

Mon Feb 20 2012 20:27:58 #
89tjr
Member

No problem, I really hope it goes well for you! And once again thanks for taking the time to comment.

Yeah Britain is definitely a very negative place at the moment, doesn't help matters at all.

I'm starting to get better with things now (such as my inner confidence), but do you think I'd have time outside of work for a social life? I want to actually live my life for once, and I'm really worried I wont be able to...

I've never had a full-time job and I'm afraid everything I missed out on will no longer be possible (going out more, being in a band, learning to drive, having a life outside of work).

I'm really worried about not having the time for it all...

Sun Feb 26 2012 16:00:14 #
Truddles
Member

I've never had a full-time job and I'm afraid everything I missed out on will no longer be possible (going out more, being in a band, learning to drive, having a life outside of work).
Full time doesn't mean 24/7 so of course you'll have time to do those things. Don't forget that for most jobs once you leave at the end of the day your time is your own, you've not got work to complete to hand in like you had at uni. So in many ways you'll have more free time than you had at uni, just probably not during the day, but then most socialise in the evenings and at weekends so it doesn't present a problem.

This is the start of a new era for you, so go out there and enjoy life

Sun Feb 26 2012 16:49:08 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Trudy Hi tj, I agree, full time can be about 37.5 hours a week, and then your time is your own, except in care work of course, where the work follows you home at the end of the day! Well, it did me! I just couldn't leave work at work, cared way too much for my own good... I'm looking for something like packing, or mail sorting, something I can walk away from at the end of my shift... Go for it, and get some money in your pocket!
Wannabe

Sun Feb 26 2012 21:33:29 #
89tjr
Member

Thank you so much for the help guys! It really really means a lot to me, and I'm starting to feel a bit more positive.

I'm sure things will be fine, but my biggest fear is how long some of my friends are working (6 days a week, and most don't leave work till about 10pm), but then again they decided to start off as runners in the VFX industry (not where I want to go). My parents think I should follow suit, but the VFX industry (despite being large in the UK) I don't feel is right for me. They also largely treat you like slaves for the first few years, and considering how I feel I don't think that would be a good idea at all. I'd become worse if anything.

If I do work a lot of hours in the animation field I could always quit if I don't enjoy it/have a good work life balance. But my mind tricks me into thinking I'd be stuck with it.

I think I'm essentially going through a "quarter-life crisis" mixed with my OCD, hence why I feel as I do at the moment.

Anyway once again thanks for the positive responses guys!

Mon Feb 27 2012 15:29:27 #
89tjr
Member

Double post by accident.

Mon Feb 27 2012 15:29:32 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi TJ, wow, those are really long hours! I couldn't do it now, although, if I'm deep into my writing, I lose track of time, but then I'm free to stop and start as I please, so it isn't work as such, merely a hobby. When it is paid work, it is tempting to work all the hours you can get, but that is a false trap, cos the day you go off sick, you go down to your basic hours, and that can be a massive pay drop. Even setting your own company up can have you working long hours to start with.
Would you be happier doing your animation work as an amatuer? The industry does have categories of short films and suchlike. Even Wallace and Grommit had to start somewhere. It took a long time for them to make toy story too, the time programming that lot into computer imagery must have been enormous, and took the talents of a lot of people... If you do it for a hobby, then there isn't so much pressure to get things done. You may find satisfaction in doing something completely different for a 'day job'. Ah well, such is life...
Wannabe

Mon Feb 27 2012 20:43:40 #
89tjr
Member

Thanks for once again taking the time to respond! It really means a lot to me, and I hope things are getting better with you!

Yeah the hours some of my friends do are long, and that's why I'd rather avoid going into the specific area they've gone into.

Doing animation on the side would be nice and depending on how I find the industry it may always come to that, but one thing I do know is that I'd always make sure to do something arty. It's funny but as an animator I don't really draw much anymore, and that's because in all honesty the ability to draw isn't required in computer animation. Because of this when I get a bit of money I'm going to look into doing some life drawing classes to get back into it all again.

Annoyingly thanks to the other day I feel exactly as I did with the OP. Myself and my friend (future bandmate) played at an open mic night at the pub, and we were approached by a guy saying how good we were. He then asked if we were going to get a band together, and we said we were trying. Long story short the conversation of jobs came up, and we both mentioned how we'd like to go somewhere with it whilst having a job on the side. He responded with "you wont have enough time for it with a full-time job", and from that moment on all the fears I mentioned in the first post came rushing back.

I'd really love to do it, and I know I keep going on and on about it. But playing up on the stage, going to parties and events. I'd love to do it, even if it were on the side (although my pipe dream would be to get it going somewhere, although maybe I should give up on thinking that and have no dreams...)

I'm an adult now before I even had the chance to live my adolescence/young adult life, I feel like there's a huge hole missing inside of me that will never be filled. From now on my life is sitting down at a desk everyday doing something I struggle to enjoy anymore. I'll probably never get invited to parties, and I'll miss having time off to do things, even if I was never really invited to anything in the first place. I never lived my life before, and I don't see things getting any better when I'm working 40+ weeks.

In general I feel so trapped, alone, worthless, ugly, and just generally not happy at all.

I'm sorry about going on about all of this, I'm just not positive about my future at all, and I'm not really enjoying life one bit at the moment.

Fri Mar 16 2012 0:13:52 #
wannabefree
Member

You are not worthless... I cannot comment on anything else save to say that by your posts you are a nice person on the inside, and that has to be commendable.
Chat more later...
Wannabe

Fri Mar 16 2012 22:12:36 #
Tess
Member

Hi tj
Just echoing what Wannabe has said, you are not worthless, noone is, but it does sound as if you might be depressed. When I was 16 I thought 20 was ancient, now at 3 times your age I realise that life at 22 has barely started and you have a lifetime ahead to realise your dreams and ambitions. You need sufficient income for your needs, beyond this you just need the self confidence to say no to those who seek to push you down a route you don't want to go. If you know in your heart what you want to do and what makes you feel alive and happy then my advice is to follow that path as much as you can.
Life with OCD is hard enough, don't make it any harder for yourself. If you enjoy what you do the OCD will be easier to live with because you will be able to focus your mind into your work.

Sat Mar 17 2012 10:23:00 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi everyone, Hi Tess, how's it going with you?
Wannabe

Sat Mar 17 2012 22:18:13 #
Tess
Member

Hi wannabe
Thanks for asking. We've had a stressful and expensive week and I'm amazed at how well I've managed to cope. Poorly ducks needing the vet and lab tests, car service and - not my favourite occupation with contamination OCD - two visits from a plumber to replace ancient pipework to the kitchen sink and shower. Both visits involved the water being off for most of the day but on the second visit he had to drain both hot and cold tanks. But it has made me realise how far I have come, at one time this amount of stress would have had me on the edge of a breakdown and the OCD would have gone through the roof and I would have been cleaning for days afterwards. Husband went down with a migraine with all the stress which makes me feel so guilty because I think most of his stress is due to worrying about how I am going to react.
But it's good now to know that the work is behind us, the ducks are recovering and the summer is ahead.

Sun Mar 18 2012 10:08:40 #
89tjr
Member

Thanks very much for the help again guys, it really does mean a lot to me and it really does help me! I'm really sorry for keep bumping this thread, and I hope I don't offend anyone.

I sometimes feel that no matter what happens I'd be trapped in doing what I'm doing, even if I didn't enjoy it. Of course this isn't the case as you guys have mentioned, but my mind seems to run with the idea and make things worse.

I've just got to make sure I do what I want to do, whether that's changing careers (although at the moment I'm feeling more positive about the animation industry), have a band on the side, socialising as much as I can, or whatever really.

Upon some suggestions elsewhere I'm going to try to go to some meetups in London (meetup.com), life drawing classes as I mentioned earlier, and I'm even considering dance classes!

In general I've felt a lot better today, but we'll see how long that lasts.

I hope all is well with both of you, and once again thanks for helping me out!

Mon Mar 19 2012 1:06:14 #