OCD Action

slogsweep
Member

Hello all,

Another more depression related post than anything, just had my first grades back of the year. A "C" grade, that doesn't sound too bad until you see the percentage: 55%.

I thought I wrote two good essays and was quite pleased with myself writing these things while being pinned by OCD. Instead it's another blow to my confidence and a one way ticket to either a rubbish or not very satisfying job.

It's my lowest grade since first year. I'm gutted. I'm just not enjoying my degree at the moment. I've so much work to do, I do as best as I can with this illness on top and I still end up doing nothing other than average at best.

Got lots of work to do tomorrow and I can't really be bothered with it. I'm so careful and always average.

I don't know what I'm looking for here but as ever, I needed to write something. I always feel as if I'm letting my family and my girlfriend down by not being able to provide enough. I'm always skint anyway thanks to being a student. I'll still be nothing when I've finished this three year, £15k waste of time.

Thanks everyone,

Slog

Thu Jan 5 2012 21:51:15 #
Twitchy
Member

55% isn't poor,give yourself a break you are being too hard on yourself.I know how u feel though,i finished uni in July and it was always frustrating with assignments that i never knew what they wanted and never really got back what i put in.What degree are u doing,do u think that maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself?

Thu Jan 5 2012 22:29:15 #
slogsweep
Member

I feel as if it is, I was doing better last year before the OCD kicked in. It made last semester a living hell. I'm an English/Creative Writing student (I resent the creative writing side, I didn't realise it'd translate into me doing jack all for 3 years).

I'm a third year but my enthusiasm is sadly waning fast. I can't wait to leave but I'm terrified of my career. If it's not money problems its grading problems. I don't want to go 150 miles from my family either who've cared for me while the OCD has been unbearable. I feel terribly alone there.

There are some upsides to university life but the problem is there's many downsides. I've been getting recurring nightmares about my old job two, where I saw lots of bad things. That's only adding to my anxiety

Thank you for writing back and your support, it means a lot,

Slog

Thu Jan 5 2012 22:38:43 #
Twitchy
Member

I feel that uni was a stressful time especially the final year,it annoyed me aswell that i was a good student and very rarely went out drinking and turned up to all my lecturers but did no better than the ones that did! The last year was packed full of stress especially when people started applying for jobs,it was horrible being up against yr friends in interviews,what sort of work do u want to do?

Thu Jan 5 2012 23:17:13 #
playthoseblues
Member

Hi Slog,

Although you're seeing 55% as a bad grade, it is good you have seen that, and you want to do better. Also a C is a C so it shouldn't matter what you got within the mark bands. If I was one mark in a B band, I wouldn't worry about that, I'm still a B. If you get what I mean.

Perhaps you could speak to an advisior at Uni who could help you to cater for the OCD. And find out as much as possible about what went wrong and right on the paper.

Keep going mate

Jon

Fri Jan 6 2012 7:24:23 #
slogsweep
Member

I think I'll make an appointment. I'm finding it too difficult to work for long periods. Last night I just chastised myself for being lazy but maybe the OCD and the fact it never leaves me alone long enough to write 1500 words at a time should be considered. There are disability advisors. It's just after struggling in silence for so long, my stubborn nature doesn't like admitting that I'm being beaten by this condition.

Thanks for your reply,

Slog

Fri Jan 6 2012 14:20:16 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, you are still winning, even with a C grade. It is still a pass, and that is the main thing. Marks in exams are also a measure of the quality of teaching too, cos in the exams you are working to what you have been taught. Also you will not perform to the best of your ability when stressed, this affects people in exam situations too, maybe no one got a A for real...
Wannabe

Sat Jan 7 2012 22:40:39 #
slogsweep
Member

Hello Wannabe thanks for replying. I know an average mark would have been about 5% above mine, which isn't bad, but I have such a low opinion of myself, my academic successes are all I have since my back went and my sport stopped.

Mentally ill, below average etc. These tags aren't great for someone with low esteem. I can't shake the depression. Maybe I have a depressive disorder or something, comorbid with the OCD. It wouldn't surprise me at all.

How are you Wannabe? Hope you're ok

Slog

Sat Jan 7 2012 23:51:40 #
Tess
Member

Hi slog
How about Sensitive, Deep thinking, Conscientious, Caring, Human.
I'm "mentally ill" with a mediocre degree but that is not who I am, nor is it what you are. Naughty, naughty - negative thinking is just a ticket to misery.

Sun Jan 8 2012 11:15:41 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you Tess, I'm really tired of being labeled. I've had a horrible day, had to rush out of the house to catch a train and panicked all the way there that I'd forgotten important things. (I hadn't but that's OCD for you). I then read an article on the BBC about Stephen Hawking, as I'm interested in physics and things only to find it was about his Motor Neurone. This sparked my health anxiety again . So then like an idiot I go food shopping and go over budget to try and calm myself down.

I hope you're having a better day,

Slog

Sun Jan 8 2012 15:21:47 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, I take it you are back at uni now... Whatever it is you have treated yourself to in the food shopping, still enjoy it... A bit of comfort food once in a while is a good idea. Take it steady with yourself, it isn't for a hell of a lot longer now anyway, then you'll be free to do new things. That's the damnation of this OCD, we pull ourselves apart before anyone else gets a chance to, and we get depressed when we aren't able to reach perfection.
Have a steady evening, Slog. I'm gonna try too, I had to have my computer sorted out today, by someone who understands them better than I do, otherwise I wouldn't be on here now!
Wannabe

Sun Jan 8 2012 17:01:54 #
slogsweep
Member

Oh no, I hope your computer is alright now. Amazing how they start to fall apart as soon as the warranty is up.

I'm back yes, feeling mixed about it to be honest. It's much quieter and more peaceful here but there's stressful work and support seems quite far away. It's nice to see friends again though.

Having a steadier evening though, yourself?

Slog

Sun Jan 8 2012 20:59:26 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Slog, yes, thank you, I'm fairly okay this evening. I have been a bit depressed too today, but I find as my mood lifts I can get a bit braver. So more ERP tomorrow. Computer working fine now thankfully.
I know I take life way too seriously, but I'm drinking decaf coffee, sweet and milky, nice!
Wannabe

Sun Jan 8 2012 21:07:32 #
Unregistered

Hi Slogsweep,

Playthoseblues made an excellent point.

Are you already aware that Jude Law and the Advocacy team at OCD Action deal with these sorts of issues regularly -- advising students on the pros and cons (and "how-to's") of disclosing or not disclosing their OCD to their university?

At the OCD Action conference, Jude Law gave the example of one student with OCD, who was on the verge of failing their university course. She used the Advocacy service, and following their advice (and disclosing her OCD, and getting "reasonable adjustments" from the university, she graduated with a very good degree mark.

Here's the link for the page with the Advocacy contact details:

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/support-info/getting-support/advocacy/

When I was at university, I suffered in silence. I told no-one about my mental problems (I had no idea it was OCD), and subsequently only just managed to scrape through my exams. I don't know if the same help was available then (probably not, in the 90's), but from listening to Jude Law's speech at the conference, it sounds like the universities are now legally bound to give you extra help -- but only if you disclose your OCD. (It's no good if you only disclose if after you've already graduated, as I understand it.)

Jude gave same examples of help that can be asked for by OCD sufferers at university:
- Extra time to finish coursework.
- Extra time to complete an examination.
- Sitting an exam in a separate room from the other students, if you get too distracted by being surrounded by other people.
- Taking some exams verbally, instead of in writing. (e.g. if the questions can be asked and answered verbally, instead of having to read and write the exam.)

I never asked for any help like this at university, and my academic career was very badly affected.

It sounds like there's a lot of help available to OCD sufferers at university and school now -- but only if they ask for it.

I hope your week gets better.

Sun Jan 8 2012 23:26:43 #
Truddles
Member

Londoner,

Jude Wynne is the OCD Action Advocacy Manager and NOT as you stated several times Jude Law.

Sun Jan 8 2012 23:42:58 #
slogsweep
Member

Thank you Londoner for giving me so much information there I really appreciate it. I have got into contact with my university last term. I'm having CBT through the University in a month or so. I have a learning support plan and a mental health advisor, they have been brilliant. On top of that I have a departmental disability advisor that I can see at short notice about work issues. I'm seeing them all (hopefully) this week.

I could probably do with deadline extensions due to my low concentration span at the moment. Thank you though I wasn't aware of the advocacy page. I hugely regret not doing all of this in my first year, which was ruined by anxiety.

Probably would make a great article of it's own Londoner, hopefully someone can find help sooner than I did at university (before third year that is) through it.

Best wishes

Slog

Sun Jan 8 2012 23:44:10 #
Unregistered

Hi Truddles,

Ha! Jude Law! It must be past my bedtime! That's hilarious.

I'd like to say that's a deliberate mistake, but I'm just mixing up the Advocacy Manager with a popular movie star!

There'll probably be lots of very disappointed people phoning up the helpline, and insisting that they only want Jude Law to help them!

(For any forum users as tired as me out there who might have missed my mistake, Jude Law is the actor from the Sherlock Holmes movies!)

By coincidence, I did actually see Jude Law walking down the street in front of me, one day in London last year. I've never seen so many women get so excited by one man! (He was taller than I expected, in real life.) And he did look like a real movie star -- even if he'd be no good at dealing with Advocacy questions!

Right, I'm off to bed, before I start telling everyone that Brad Pitt is working at OCD Action too...

Sun Jan 8 2012 23:55:52 #
slogsweep
Member

I was thinking not THE Jude Law surely? Until I saw the "her",

Haha, personally I'd like to see Samuel L. Jackson be involved with OCD action. Booting down the door of 10 Downing Street and getting us all CBT within a week.

Thanks again
Slog

Mon Jan 9 2012 0:02:14 #
slogsweep
Member

Hello everyone,

Just a massive thank you to you all. I've tried to soldier through this work to no avail. It's not good enough for me and it's been a long time since my OCD attacked my work, it's just not good enough in general. Thank you for making me contact my department, they've offered help and some one to one discussion. I'm also getting time extensions which are an absolute godsend.

I've made my problems clear and I'm not embarrassed anymore. Just thank you for possibly making a huge difference to my degree and potentially the future.

If any of you need anything, I'm just a message away,

Slog

Tue Jan 10 2012 20:34:31 #
wannabefree
Member

You do the same for me too, Slog, so Thank you, I'm grateful to you too.
As you say, you'll have a degree anyway. The future is out of reach beyond that. I think it is a touch too early to say that it has all been to no avail, cos you've almost now got through something pretty amazing... You've done a course, and stuck at it through thick and thin, a University course, which has meant you have had to travel, and live away from home, looking after yourself, and that takes a lot of courage. I don't think I could do it... So be gentle with yourself, you've already done very well to get this far, and smile, you've already done really well by most peoples standards, and that is really good... Well done!
Wannabe

Tue Jan 10 2012 20:59:14 #
Tess
Member

Slog, that is wonderful news.

Wed Jan 11 2012 11:13:50 #