OCD Action

Megam
Member

Hi everyone, i'm hoping someone out there might be able to give me some advice. My flatmate has quite severe OCD although she has never told me in person. We have lived together for a year (in a property I own), and I struggle to cope sometimes with her problems. These are mainly down to handwashing, clothes washing and contact with items in the flat.

We get on very well and it saddens me that she doesn't trust me enough to tell me about her problmes, although i understand it must be so difficult for her. However, as i own the property, it gets very frustrating. She does on average 6 - 8 loads of washing a week and cannot wear an item of clothing more than once. She cannot dry her hands on normal towels so sometimes we go through a toilet roll a day. I find kitchen towels that have been hidden (which all belong to me), and sometimes put in the wash when they haven't even been used. She cannot walk barefoot on the carpet despite my insistence of no shoes in the flat - a rule that applied to everyone because the carpets are cream - and therefore there are a growing number of stains.

My bills have increased, as an a self proclaimed 'eco warrior', the use of water / electricity really disheartens me. I just don't know what to do. Above all i do not want to upset her, but this is my home and the impacts are just getting a little too much

Any advice whatsoever would be greatfully received!

Sun Aug 21 2011 15:07:05 #
Unregistered

Hi, its a shame your flatmate can't confide in you as it might help her a lot if she had someone to talk to, is there anyway you could start the conversation? Im an OCD sufferer and it can be a lonely world sometimes, having someone to share your thoughts and worries with can help a great deal. It would be great if she knew about this website (maybe she already does) as i have found it a massive help. It must be hard for you too as its also affecting your life in various ways. Do you think she would wear slippers in the house? at least she wont be barefoot and your carpets wont be getting so dirty!

Sun Aug 21 2011 15:28:43 #
Truddles
Member

Hi Megam,

Welcome to the forum

I'm sorry to hear of the predicament that you find yourself in. This can't be easy for you and there are many factors to be considered here.

The most important one being your health and well being.
The next is how to tackle this and you will probably get many different answers to this.

Your flatmate needs to acknowledge that she has a problem as unless she does there isn't a lot that can be done to help her. Perhaps as Angelpie says she already knows but is too embarrassed to say, it might need you to broach the subject in a tactful way. Admitting to someone else that you have OCD can be extremely difficult for some people.

You could tackle it from the view point of having a meeting where you reiterate your house rules and ask with each one in a non confrontational way if she can comply it and if not why not? You could explain that by not keeping to the rules it's making you unwell but if she has problems coping with the rules you'd like to be able to help her all that you can.

For instance: Your carpet and so your rules and if she doesn't like going barefoot then get some slippers or similar that are only worn indoors and ones that won't mark the carpet and keep them by the front door for when she comes in.

Have a look in the OCD Action Resource Centre this can be accessed at http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/support-info/resources/ there you will find a wealth of information on OCD in particular there is an information leaflet called Supporting a person with OCD http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/files/2011/02/Supporting-a-person-with-OCD.pdf

Print off some of the information and have it to hand to show her. Let her know that you understand and want to help and support her.

Trudy

Sun Aug 21 2011 16:01:39 #
Ratwomble
Member

Hi megam

Welcome to the forum. It must be very frustrating to live with someone with OCD, certainly my wife says it is, and as a flatmate of someone who doesn't acknowledge it, it must be tougher.

It is possible that your flatmate herself doesn't know that she has OCD. She should be encouraged to go and seek help, as interested it tends to get worse. Tgere are good therapies and drugs out there, and (believe it or not) she doesn't sound too severe, so she might get a great benefit very quickly.

Personally I would raise it with her, ask her to consider that she may have OCD and seek help. Explain (calmly and quietly) the things that are upsetting you and seeif she understands. Given that OCD sufferers are very good at hiding it, it may be that she simply doesn't understand what is going on and may welcome a possible way forward and a sympathetic ear.

The only way for her to beat OCD is to stand up to it, and a starting point would be talking about it. But your duty of care is limited, and you can't let it screw up your life. Youre not married to her, and as well as being a friend, you have a business relationship with her.

Awkward one this. Your obvious compassion in this situation does you great credit.

Good luck

David

Sun Aug 21 2011 21:35:55 #
Megam
Member

Thanks everyone for the advice, much appreciated. I think she takes medication for her OCD and has had it for some time. Sometime she mentions that she has 'personal problems' although in the past when I have ever come close to mentioning the overuse of products / washing machine etc I have heard her crying later that night on the phone to her boyfriend. I don't think she is angry with me, more possibly the fact that she struggles to cope?

For the sake of her happiness, would you advise that I leave this issue well alone...or wait until she wants to talk about it? if it's a diagnosed problem then I can't imagine what everyday life must be like for her I would much rather be a little wound up from time to time about issues that I guess are frankly rather trivial than make her unhappy at all.

Mon Aug 22 2011 21:09:58 #
Tess
Member

Hi Megam
I think you are a very special person to be able to view the situation like that and your flatmate is very lucky to be sharing your home and to have you as a friend.
It's difficult to know how to advise you because each person's OCD is different and only your flatmate knows how her OCD is affecting her and what is going on in her mind. With OCD it is very easy to make assumptions based on what someone says or does and get it horribly wrong - after 43 years of suffering from OCD myself I still find myself misinterpreting what is going on in the minds of other sufferers.
I don't think you should leave the issue entirely alone as I don't think that would be in anyone's best interests but you need to broach the subject in a very sensitive way because stress will probably make your flatmate's behaviour worse. I think she needs to be made aware of how much your bills have gone up and to take more responsibility for the bills which she incurs. If she is using your possessions in a way that irritate of annoy you then she should use her own instead. If she had her own home these are issues she would have to deal with herself and she would have to make choices. There are members of this forum who have to live with the dilemma of whether to buy food or handwash and it is possible to work around these problems when you are forced to face them. I used to use vast quantities of cleaning materials, now we only have an ancient septic tank and soakaways and I have had to face the issue head on of do I change my cleaning rituals or risk major problems to our septic drainage with all the associated horrors and expense of having to have a new septic tank - and it turned out to be no contest - the cleaning lost!
I don't think you should feel that she doesn't trust you enough to confide in you, I suspect you are her rock and she would be lost without your support. OCD sufferers are plagued with guilt, shame and embarrassment and it is extremely hard to open up these feelings, especially as you know rationally that the way your brain is forcing you to act is not how others behave.
Ultimately your flatmate needs to face her problems for her own good and there will be tears, but there will be far more tears if she buries her head in the sand.

Tue Aug 23 2011 9:39:59 #