OCD Action

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Truddles
Member

Or was it to avoid an awkward conversation with the psychiatrist coming towards him?

Sun Aug 14 2011 20:33:38 #
Tess
Member

I think it was because she spotted a massive handsome cockerel on the other side.

Mon Aug 15 2011 8:58:03 #
Tess
Member

Or was it a duck and she fancied the ice cream?

Mon Aug 15 2011 8:59:51 #
Tess
Member

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him/her while you carry him/her towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he/she will dry him/herself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Tue Aug 23 2011 8:33:39 #
Tess
Member

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Tue Aug 23 2011 8:36:10 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Call centre conversations

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
'If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'

Tue Aug 23 2011 9:05:24 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Husband wanted

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?

Fri Aug 26 2011 8:13:32 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian lady came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand)so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she could not understand him. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and again she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Mon Sep 5 2011 9:17:14 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Lawyers

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!"

Wed Sep 7 2011 10:38:29 #
Tess
Member

This is a true story not a joke but I thought it was funny enough to share.
My husband and I went to Bodmin this afternoon and called into the Resource Centre which sells secondhand furniture and domestic appliances. They accept donations of furniture and clean, repair and recycle it and provide work experience and training for people with disabilities.
We came upon a lady and her daughter deliberating over a rather nice glass fronted cabinet which opened out into a computer desk and noticed that the chair in front of it was not a computer chair but a tub chair concealing a commode. As we passed I said to them "Funny place to put a commode" and we all started laughing. Then the father turned up to find out what we were finding so funny and we exchanged some banter about it being useful for games addicts and we moved on. A bit later we bumped into the same man and he leant forward and whispered.
"Brings a whole new dimension to Wi".

Sat Sep 10 2011 17:30:23 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Mind the ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along came St. Peter with the ugliest man she had ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend all eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Tue Sep 13 2011 10:37:41 #
Nimrod
Key Master

My local NHS trust is holding an “awareness day” event for people who can’t achieve an orgasm. If you can’t come call NHS Direct!

Fri Dec 16 2011 9:55:22 #
Tess
Member

A teenge girl comes rushing downstairs having just got herself ready for a night out. Gran looks at the see through blouse with an expression of disapproval.
" Oh gran, don't be so old fashioned, everyone shows off their rosebuds these days" said the young lady as she shot out of the door.
Late that evening she arrives home with all her friends in tow, only to find gran sitting in her armchair bare to the waist.
"Gran, whatever are you thinking of, I can't bring my friends in with you looking like that, it's just so embarrassing".
"Well" said gran, I thought if it's OK for you to show off your rosebuds then it's OK for me to display my hanging baskets".

Fri Dec 16 2011 10:47:56 #
Tess
Member

This post is dedicated to Trudddles

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I am given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so
I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies
and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put
the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Mon Jan 9 2012 9:24:48 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Britain leads the way

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after the following story was published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire , Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Wed Mar 28 2012 8:52:43 #