OCD Action

12 3 Next »

Nimrod
Key Master

If youv'e got a good joke post it here (but keep it reasonably clean please). I'll start.

Birthday treat

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he got up early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed and she replied -

“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”

Sun May 22 2011 8:53:40 #
Tess
Member

Two Irishmen were walking through a graveyard looking at the headstones to see which inhabitant was the oldest. They carefully read every one and decided that Murphy aged 95 was definitely the oldest. Then just as they were leaving one of them spotted a single stone and went over to look at it. "Come over here and look at this one Paddy, you'll never believe this, it's Miles from Dublin, he was 148".

Sun May 22 2011 9:52:47 #
Truddles
Member

A man was delivering some chimpanzees to the zoo when his vehicle broke down. Whilst waiting for the breakdown service to arrive he saw what appeared to be an empty lorry approaching, so he flagged down the driver and offered him £500 to take the chimps to the zoo. The other driver accepted and so they transferred the chimps onto the lorry.
A few hours later he was still at the side of the road waiting for the recovery vehicle when he saw the lorry approaching complete with the chimps on board. He stopped the lorry and asked why the driver hadn’t taken the chimps to the zoo. “I did” said the driver “We had a great time there and as there’s still some money left we’re now going to Alton Towers.”

Sun May 22 2011 10:55:16 #
Nimrod
Key Master

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...

.
.
.
.
Smallcox

Sun May 22 2011 19:24:46 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100 and the farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died."

Paddy replied, "Well then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've already spent it." Paddy said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Paddy said. "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead donkey!" Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898".

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back."

.
.
.
.
.

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Mon May 23 2011 9:09:20 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Fish and chips

A man was walking along a village street and he could smell fish and chips cooking. Feeling hungry, he followed his nose to an old building with a big oak front door. The aroma of frying fish and chips was really strong there and it smelled like the best fish and chips in the world. On the big front door was a sign sayng "Monastery". He banged on the door, and eventually it was opened by a man in a long brown robe with a shaved head. The man asked
"Excuse me, are you a Friar?" "No" replied the bald man in the long brown robe "I'm the chip monk."

Come on people, please post some jokes or I will post some that are even worse than this last one!

Tue May 24 2011 8:54:13 #
Tess
Member

Hi Nimrod
Can't think of a joke just now but this has just brought back a reminder of our local convent near Looe and this is true. It is a closed order and the nuns live very simply and frugally but they all look forward to their monthly feast day when they have - fish and chips!
Keep the jokes coming, the bad ones are the best!

Tue May 24 2011 10:11:07 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Burial at sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had an uncle who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life. He made them promise that they would bury him at sea when he died.

In due time he died and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off for Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowing boat.

After they had rowed a while, Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?" Once again Barbie slipped over the side and said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."

So they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.

Bubbles asked "Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"

Barbie breathlessly replied "Yes, it's deep enough here. Hand me the shovel."

Wed May 25 2011 8:50:26 #
Tess
Member

Every day at the monastery the monks had a break when they would tell jokes to each other. Eventually they ran out of jokes so they gave each joke a number. So one of them would call out the number and they'd all remember the joke and start laughing.
One day a visitor went to the monastery and he watched the monks calling out numbers and laughing and he asked the Abbot what they were laughing at. 'Oh, that's easy said the Abbot, they're telling jokes and they remember each joke by it's number, why not join in the fun?'
So the visitor watched for a few minutes, one monk called out '34' and they all laughed, then another monk called out '49' and there was another roar of laughter.
So the visitor shouted out '94' and all the monks fell off their stools and were rolling around on the floor convulsed in laughter.
'What have I done?' said the visitor. 'Oh, nothing to worry about' said the Abbot, 'they haven't heard that one before'.

Wed May 25 2011 9:49:14 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Cruise Ship Diary

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I would not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

Thu May 26 2011 9:24:55 #
Nimrod
Key Master

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog, took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.

Fri May 27 2011 8:40:17 #
Nimrod
Key Master

A smartly dressed woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of pounds for dinner. She took out her purse and got out £10 and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No,” replied the homeless woman “I had to stop drinking years ago”.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the smart woman asked.

“No, I don't waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time just trying to stay alive”.

“Will you spend this in a beauty salon or hairdressers instead of on food?” asked the smart woman.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman “I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well” the smart woman said, “I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”

The homeless Woman was shocked. “'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The smart woman answered “That's OK. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

Sat May 28 2011 8:47:43 #
mems
Member

Motorcyclists

Driving along the M6 motorway when I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror who were rapidly catching up with me. I was about to overtake the huge articulated HGV in front of me but I decided to wait until all of the motorcycles had passed.

One by one they passed, going quite fast but riding safely, and zoomed off into the distance except for the last one who appeared to be slowing down. He was still travelling faster than me and soon overtook me. When he had passed and drew level with the huge HGV he slowed down to the speed the HGV was travelling at then he stood up in the saddle, moved close to the HGV and knocked on the drivers’ window.

The lorry driver wound down the window and the motorcyclist asked the driver for a light for his cigarette. The driver on seeing the motorcyclist standing up and so close to his lorry said “You’ll kill yourself doing that.” “No” replied the motorcyclist “I only smoke 5 a day”.

Sat May 28 2011 9:36:14 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that a woman was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said she was told it had to be at least 8 characters.

Sun May 29 2011 9:10:32 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The Antique Cat

Arthur was on his way home from the big football final. He was a bit down as his team had lost 3 - 1 so to cheer himself up he stopped to have a look round an antique shop. Nothing took his eye and he was heading for the door.

Propping the door open was a small, but perfectly formed, brass cat. Arthur loved it, and lifting it in one hand headed for the proprietor, who was reclining in an ancient leather chair behind a large, dark desk. "How much do you want for this little fella?" asked Arthur.

"That?" says the shopkeeper. "Hundred quid for the cat, but if you want to know the story behind it, that'll be another hundred".

Deciding he had bagged a bargain, Arthur declined the offer of the story, paid for the cat and left, tucking it inside his jacket.

He hadn't gone far, before he noticed a ginger tomcat following behind, paying no attention, Arthur continued on his way. The next time he looked round, there were five cats.... he quickened his pace...., but within seconds the five cats had become ten, and very soon twenty. Running now, ever faster, with cats chasing behind in larger and larger numbers, Arthur was beginning to tire.

Suddenly he found himself on a bridge, and, in a moment of desperation, he took the brass cat and hurled it as far as he could into the river. It was followed by wave after wave of cats, throwing themselves mindlessly into the cool deep water. Collecting his breath for a moment, Arthur turned on his heel and headed back to the antique shop.

The shop proprietor was waiting impatiently for his return. "So, you've come back for the story now eh?" he smirked. "No." says Arthur, still short of breath "I couldn't care less about the story."

"So what are you back for?" says the antique dealer, bemused.

"Well," says Arthur, "Have you got, by any chance, a small brass Barcelona fan?"

Mon May 30 2011 8:24:23 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Life after death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long, happy life together the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Ivy .....Ivy.':

'Is that you, Richard?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!'
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Not exactly .... I'm a rabbit on a golf course!

Tue May 31 2011 8:56:02 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."

Wed Jun 1 2011 8:47:24 #
Wombat140
Member

This is an entirely different donkey, in South Africa...

Man rings police station: "Konstabel Pretorius? There's a dead donkey blocking Potchefström Street."
"Vere's that again?"
"Potchefström Street."
"Just lit me get my notepid... Potches... Potchem... Potj... Drag it along to Klerk Strit. I can spell that."

Wed Jun 1 2011 17:01:40 #
Nimrod
Key Master

For decades two naked, heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, and in that time you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two statues approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes from which shortly emerged a good deal of groaning, laughter and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes" said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Let's do it again, only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."

Mon Jun 6 2011 9:56:09 #
Truddles
Member

For more jokes, riddles and humorous stories look at the following threads:

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/to-cheer-you-up

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/riddles

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/an-elderly-gentleman

Mon Jun 6 2011 18:22:47 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The monkey and the car crash

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the two occupants had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the roadside hedge and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

The officer asked "Did you see this?". "Yes" motioned the monkey. "Can you tell me what happened?" continued the officer.

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes," nodded the Monkey. "Anything else?" asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer. "Yes," nodded the Monkey. "Anything else?" queried the officer.

The monkey motioned with his arms..... "Making love! Is that what you mean?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes" nodded the monkey.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and making love before they crashed?" "Yes," the Monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.

.
.
.
.
.
.

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Tue Jun 7 2011 9:17:29 #
Truddles
Member

I'm feeling particularly low at the moment and this thread is helping me through the rough patch as it's good to laugh. Though I must remember not to have a cup of tea in my hand when reading them as nearly spilt one all over the keyboard

I'm not very good at remembering jokes and funny stories But I'm going to put my thinking cap on - that is if it still fits

Anyone else got a joke or a funny story to tell? If so please share it here

Fri Jun 10 2011 11:12:00 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Understanding obsessions???

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother, Mary, he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, Ann, and said "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mother, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol." he said "This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered to him "Come on Dick, this man has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go and pick up Willy from school and go and have dinner."

Fri Jun 10 2011 11:26:16 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple get married... She's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she nervously cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he
whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you,
I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss
ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

Eventually she shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

After some more thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

You want.........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

Sat Jun 11 2011 8:47:10 #
Truddles
Member

Two robins were sitting in a tree.
“I'm really hungry.” said the first,
“Me too.” said second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of freshly dug soil full of big juicy worms and they ate and ate until they could eat no more.
“I'm so full I don’t think that I could fly back up to the tree.” said the first robin,
“Me neither, so lets just lay here and bask in the sun.” said the second robin.
“Ok.” said the first.
So they flopped down basking in sun, no sooner had they fallen asleep when at big fat cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal he thought. . . . . .
“I love baskin’ robins!”

Sat Jun 11 2011 9:36:40 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The poodle and the Leopard

A wealthy old lady went on a photo safari holiday in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Sweetie, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Sweetie discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Sun Jun 12 2011 9:14:19 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The Mexican maid

When a Mexican maid asked for a pay increase her employer referred her to his wife who looks after the money.

She went to the wife who was a bit upset as she thought she paid a good wage so she asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria replied “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you”.

The wife said “Who said you iron better than me?
Maria told her “Your husband said so”.

The wife, who was surprised at this simply said “Oh!”

Maria went on “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you”.

“Nonsense” the wife, who was getting annoyed, said “who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria replied “Your husband did”.

“Oh, did he” the wife replied.

Maria said “And my third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

The wife, who was really furious by now retorted “And did my husband say that as well?'

“No Señora” Maria replied, “the gardener did”.

Mon Jun 13 2011 8:17:14 #
Nimrod
Key Master

CINDERELLA

Cinderella was now 90 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The Fairy Godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability benefit, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.'

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'.

The Fairy Godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the Fairy Godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The Fairy Godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered. . .
.
.
.

. . . 'Bet you're really sorry you had me neutered. '

Tue Jun 14 2011 8:32:24 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

A man has passed away and enters the afterlife. He meets St. Peter there. Peter says: now, there are two options, you know the score. Heaven and the Underworld.

You led a so-so life. So you may choose. But once you saw both once, the pick you then take is final and irreversible. Got the idea?

The man says: OK, fair that. I'll first take a look downstairs, if you don't mind.

Peter says: go ahead.

The man walks down the stairs, and finds a huge door there. He knocks, and a smart geezer opens it. The man greets him friendly, and shows him around. So this is Hell. In fact, it is a gigantic beach resort, with blue skies, a lovely mild sun, a greenblue sea, palm trees, and the finest hotels. Beautiful babes are sitting and sipping cocktails below parasols.

He's free to take a closer look. And two blondes invite him, and show him around. He's also asked to attend dinner. A large group of people drink champagne and smoke the best Cuban cigars, before having the most precious and pricey dinner one can think of.

One beautiful brunette asks him to join her in her room, and they make love, long and passionately.

Now, all his senses are satisfied. What a day!

Tired and satiated, he goes up the stairs and sees Peter again. Peter says: do come in, my friend, and then make your choice.

The man enters Heaven. All he sees are a couple of clouds, and angels on them, playing their harps. Nothing really happens.

After two minutes, he tells Peter he's made his decision, and he walks down the stairs again. He must now enter that Underworld that was so surprising and wonderful to him, and sexy too.

The same guy opens the door again. He knows that our deceased will be a permanent resident of his property.

Our man goes in... the door slams shut... and he is really astonished. This time, there's a blazing, unbearable heat. And a desert. A couple of visibly sick men sit on the ground, or walk glumly around, dying of thirst. They have all kinds of weird skin diseases.

The man asks the owner of the place for an explanation.

He replies: simple, Sir. What you saw yesterday was the Election Campaign. What you see now is Real Life.

Welcome!

Tue Jun 14 2011 11:02:09 #
Nimrod
Key Master

The Fire Fighters

One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch, New Zealand a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company President rushed to the senior fireman in charge and said, 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off and they could not get close enough to control them.

Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files, but still they could not get close enough to the inferno.

From the distance, a lone mournful siren was heard as another fire engine came into sight.

It was the nearby Maori Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of retired Maori men over the age of 60.

To everyone's amazement, that little old fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched with pride as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before; one to be greatly admired and spoken of often in the future.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company President announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Well,' said Hemi, the 70-year-old volunteer fire chief, 'The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that b***** fire truck!'

Wed Jun 15 2011 8:32:18 #