OCD Action

Parvez Choudhry
Member

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, âI don't like the look of your wife at all.â
âMe neither,â said the husband. âBut she's a great cook and is really good with the kids.â

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A man in Soviet Russia saved up his rubles and was finally able to buy a car. After he had paid his money he was told he would have his car in three years.
"Three years?" he retorted. "What month?"
"August."
"August? What day in August?"
"The fourteenth of August."
"Morning or afternoon?"
"Afternoon. Why do you need to know?"
"The plumber is coming in the morning."

Fri Sep 18 2009 15:32:42 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale". He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. So the man goes to the backyard and sees a black mutt sitting there.

âDo you talk?" he asks.

âSure do", the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog smiles and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for over eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Then had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The man says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

âBecause he's a liar. He's never done any of that stuff."

Fri Sep 25 2009 14:38:32 #
Nimrod
Key Master

Nice one. I nearly spat my coffee over the keyboard laughing.

C

Fri Sep 25 2009 21:31:38 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Nice one. I nearly spat my coffee over the keyboard laughing.

Hi Caps, I'm glad your keyboard was unscathed!

Talking of coffee reminds me, now that the colder weather is here I have started taking a thermos flask of tomato soup with me to work each day. Yesterday I had my flask next to my keyboard when a colleague called Mike came up to me and asked me what it was. I told him it was a thermos flask and I explained that if you put anything hot in it, it will keep it hot, and if you put anything cold in it, it will keep it cold. Mike was intrigued by this, and lo and behold, this morning he arrived in the office proudly carrying a thermos flask of his own. He had gone out yesterday evening and bought one. He then went round the office showing it off to people and explaining that if you put anything hot in it, it will keep it hot, and if you put anything cold in it, it will keep it cold. So I asked Mike what he had got in his flask and he replied: "Two cups of coffee and an ice cream."

The other day I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate instead. But it didn't do any good - I can't get the chocolate to light.

Do you know about the support group for people who talk too much? It's called "On and On Anon."

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Caps, thank you very much for all you do to keep this forum running. Your input is always supportive & encouraging, and I expect you do a lot behind the scenes as well to keep things going. This forum helps me a lot. So thank you!

Fri Oct 16 2009 11:58:08 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

I phoned the local gym and asked them if they could teach me to do the splits.
They replied, âHow flexible are you?â
I said, âI can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.â

An ad in a Scottish newspaper: "LOST - a Â£5 note. Sentimental value."

I inherited a large oil painting and a dusty old violin from my uncle recently. I thought they might be worth something, so I took them along to an auctioneer to have them valued. He told me that what I had in my possession was a genuine Rembrandt and an authentic Stradivarius. I was delighted to hear that news, but unfortunately he went on to inform me that Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Fri Oct 23 2009 16:45:50 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

A young couple are sitting in a restaurant enjoying their meal. After finishing their dessert, the waiter comes over and asks, "Now, sir and madam, will it be tea or coffee?"
"I'll have a glass of lemon tea," replies the man.
"Me too," says his wife. "And make sure the glass is clean."
Five minutes later the waiter returns with two lemon teas on his tray. As he's about to hand them out he asks, "Which of you asked for the clean glass?"

I was taking to my psychiatrist the other day. I said, "I had a weird dream last night. I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. It was so worrying I woke immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee, and came straight here. Can you explain the meaning of my dream please?"
My psychiatrist kept silent for some time and then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

A man walks into a shoe shop and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks he assistant.
"Well, the left one feels a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant looks down at the left shoe and says, "Try it again, this time with the tongue out."
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Fri Oct 30 2009 16:19:49 #
Ladysad211
Member

Brilliant! So funny, I laughed so much people started staring! lol

Tue Nov 3 2009 14:19:11 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

Hi Ladysad211 ... I'm glad you liked the jokes! I have a quirky sense of humour which my OCD and depression haven't snuffed out completely, though I can't remember the last time I laughed out loud. I'm not often in the mood for jokes but I am at this moment so I'd better make the most of it and tell a few more!

As a doctor completed an examination of his patient he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

I used to be a secret claustrophobic. But I couldn't stand it any longer â I had to come out of the closet.

I rang British Telecom the other day to complain about a nuisance caller. They said, âOh, not you again!â

When I was a teenager I was browsing round a bookshop and came across an intriguing book called âHow to Hugâ. As I thought I could benefit from having some lessons, I eagerly bought it and went home very happy with my purchase.
However, later on, when I started reading it, I realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

Fri Nov 6 2009 16:32:30 #
Parvez Choudhry
Member

I’ve got CDO. It’s similar to OCD except the letters are in alphabetical order, like they’re supposed to be.

I phoned a local builder today and asked him, “Can I have a skip outside my house?”
He replied, “I'm not stopping you!”

I told my mum that I had opened a theatre.
She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.”

Fri Dec 4 2009 14:00:31 #