OCD Action

JoJo
Member

Hi, I'm new to this website but not new to OCD I've had it for about 5 years now and although I've had plenty of CBT and seen some excellent phychologists my OCD is still in full force.

I hate the labels, but I have POCD.... I have to call it that because I can't bear to write the full word. My greatest fear at the moment is that I'm starting to like these horrible thoughts (my mind then just asked - do I even think they're horrible anymore?) and that I genuinely can't see this is just OCD. I'm so scared that somehow my sexual orientation has changed and that I am no longer attracted to men/adults. I would rather die than this be true... I have a loving, beautiful boyfriend and all I want in the world is to be happy with him and to be OCD free.

Can your sexual orientation change? Why do I feel I might like these thoughts?
It's like I'm living a lie and denying the truth

Any help would be much appreciated.... I can't continue like this. I'm fully functioning, work in a stressful HR job, seem fine to the outside world but am just suffering so much...

Sat Dec 3 2011 12:56:36 #
Cuthbert ffoliott
Moderator

Hiya JoJo -

welcome aboard. Although I myself didn't/don't have POCD, I know from others' writings here how taxing it can be, esp. in the form that you describe here. I hope that a few of these members will chime in and comment on your post; and most likely they can refer you to more stories from people who share your brand of POCD; perhaps they also can advise you on other matters, e.g. a book about this affliction.

More generally speaking: you yourself can't see that it's just OCD anymore. I myself think it is; and I think that it is so frightening and unsettling for you, because it feels like a threat to the very core of your personal happiness/existence, i.e. the bond you have with your boyfriend. That is how mean OCD can be. It can make use of one's tendency for worrying and being afraid, it feeds from that energy, and then it takes on the mantle of something evil, something that makes you doubt your sexual identity, and thus the intimate friendship you have with your boyfriend, so far as to make you feel like a liar and a cheater.

You aren't.

OCD is playing up terribly; and makes you doubt your own personal identity, and the nature of your love for someone. I'd almost say: don't let it fool you (but that may sound too flippant - or does it?).

At one point you say: 'at the moment'. Somewhat later you ask: 'can your sexual orientation change'? I am inclined to say: one's sexual orientation won't change. There are a few cases I've personally heard of where someone, after a struggle, can admit that she/he is in fact bisexual, instead of hetero- or homosexual; and it takes a long time to arrive there, not 'at the moment'. But a radical changeover, that I've never heard of.

Did you talk to a psychologist about this specific fear? If not, you need to, I think. And: do you use medication? If not: it may help a lot in suppressing intrusive fears like yours. Could be that an added neuroleptic, e.g. quetiapine, makes for an even greater beneficial effect.

That's what I can come up with now. Mind: I am not a doctor, nor a psychologist; I'm someone with OCD myself (checking and hoarding); and a trained neurobiologist.

Please do keep us updated about things, and always feel free to send me a private message. Wishing you all the very, very best, kind regards,

Cuthbert in the Netherlands.

Sat Dec 3 2011 13:33:06 #
BT
Member

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forums/topic/intrusive-sexual-thoughts-and-false-memories

I don't have time to write now, but have a look at the above thread.

Sat Dec 3 2011 15:01:58 #
JoJo
Member

Thank you so much for the links BT.

Cuthbert - thank you for your kind and thoughtful message... I was so scared no one was going to respond. I am actually already on medication (quetiapine and prozac) and that makes me even more sad, as I feel like I've done everything I can to try and get rid of this but it's still there.

My boyfriend is massively supportive, knows everything about my thoughts/fears and they never faze him. He's an angel.

I say 'at the moment' - I mean I've had these particular thoughts for the past year. They wax and wane, but when they're so bad (like today) it's so hard to just get on with things.

What should you do when the thoughts seem so real? Should I accept them? My boyfriend says that's what I should do, but I can't accept feeling like this.... it makes me just want to curl up in my bed and wait for it to disappear

Sat Dec 3 2011 15:47:52 #
JoJo
Member

I'm so sensitive over this that even your comment that 'I think it is (ocd)' has made me think that there's a possibility it could not be OCD...... ie. why don't they 'know' it's OCD

Sat Dec 3 2011 15:51:10 #
aishah
Member

Hi Jojo,

Welcome to the forum. I too suffer from severe intrusive thoughts and I know how badly it can make you get confused and start questioning the thoughts.

I too have had lots of CBT, yet still struggle quite badly at times. The thing I have learnt is to NOT question the thoughts in any way, and to let them just come and go, as the more we try to question them/challenge them, the more intense they will become and cause huge amounts of distress.

In terms of questioning your sexuality, I don't have experience about this, but I would say, just go with your heart and that will give you the answer. And I'm pleased you have a wonderful, understanding boyfriend.

I'm sure your situation sounds just like OCD rearing it's ugly head.

Take care
Bridget

Sat Dec 3 2011 18:03:56 #
BT
Member

JoJo, I agree with Bridget, to let the thoughts come and go without questioning them is the best way. I have the same symptom as you and I realise how desperately we want to convince ourselves we are not what we fear. The problem is, we won’t ever be able to do that. Just by your reaction, it’s clear to me that you are not what you at times fear, but each of us can see that in others with this symptom, but still have that doubt that we might be the exception. Talking to others with the same worries has helped me more than anything else. The thoughts can be incredibly real and strong, that's why they can have such a hold over us.

Sat Dec 3 2011 18:11:25 #
wannabefree
Member

Hi Jo Jo, welcome to the forums... I agree 100% with everything which has been written on this thread, it's all spot on... I too wish I could let the thoughts come and go, and sometimes they do sometimes they don't but keep at it, keep working with your boyfriend, and you will come through this...

Sat Dec 3 2011 20:52:46 #
slogsweep
Member

Two things help me vastly with the intrusive thoughts, which seem terrifyingly real and yes I do fear I'm the exception, I think we all do.

Relabel
Stop yourself half way through, identify it as the OCD up to it's wily tricks again. Physically say it if it helps, it's your OCD, the "stuck transmission" metaphor in the brain.

Refocus
Do not isolate yourself, go and find people, play a video game, watch your favorite TV show that you know will have no anxiety building content in it. Avoid papers and the news that are aimed at those without OCD, but don't avoid people, as we still have so much to offer. The key is to keep busy enough so that you are not conciously thinking that the thought must go away.

After calming down
Come on OCD Action, write a forum, write on other people's posts, just get involved with others who know our pain. Read a good OCD book (I absolutely swear by Brain Lock, but whatever works for you is most important) and relax.

Best wishes, I know it's absolute torture. It won't last forever,

Slog

Mon Dec 5 2011 15:43:10 #