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Intrusive thoughts - does this sound familiar to anyone

(45 posts) (16 voices)
  • Started 7 months ago by Sarahlou
  • Latest reply from Remdog85
  • This topic is A support question
12
  1. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Hey everyone,

    I've only just registered with this website after my councellor told me about it and so far it seems like there is a very good community on here and we are all here to help each other in anyway we can!

    So a quick background, i'm 38 and have suffered intrusive thoughts since i was about 17!! The first time i experienced obsessive thoughts it was to do with my then boyfriend, my thoughts were telling me i didn't love my boyfriend and i'd argue back that i did but my thoughts always won! This lead to me being extremely anxious and down! it was a truly horrible time of my life and i never told a sole because i thought i was going mad!!

    So this brings me to today, years later, i have just gone through a horrible bout of depression which i'm recovering well from slowly but surely! My intrusive thoughts have returned with avengence!! This time its with regards to my mum!! I am extremely close to my mum, she's like my best friend and is my rock! The thoughts are very much against her, they tell me i hate my mum and that i resent her, this leaves me extremely upset BUT then i get a secondary thought saying maybe i do believe this thought, maybe i do hate my mum, what if the damage is done and there is no turning back!! I cannot tell you how distressing these thoughts are, they upset me so much!

    Now the good news, with help from councelling and CBT i've learnt how to deal with these awful thoughts, i'm not cured but i'm better equipped to deal with them!! The trick is not to engage in them in ANY way!! Don't push the thoughts away, let them be there but don't engage in them or react to them, let them come in then go of their own accord!! And most importantly NEVER argue with these thoughts, you'll never win and all it does is distress you even more!! This technique won't work overnight and it really does take practise but it does work!! Sometimes i still forget myself and i engage in the thougts so then it takes a little longer to dispell them!!

    Sorry this has become a bit long winded! i suppose what i'd really like to know is if anyone has suffered similar thoughts to me? It always seems to be about the ones i love which is what i find so distressing! I would appreciate any feedback or comments.

    Thanks in advance, i hope you are all having a good day.............
    Take care
    Sarahlou x

    Thu Oct 20 2011 10:50:59 #
  2. Avatar Image

    Truddles
    Member

    Hi Sarahlou,

    Welcome to the forum

    If you click on the words 'intrusive thoughts' in the 'Hot Tags' to the right of this page you will find other threads on intrusive thoughts.

    Trudy

    Thu Oct 20 2011 10:56:23 #
  3. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    Hi Sarahlou
    Welcome to the forum from me too and thank you for your very helpful post which I think will strike a chord with many members. I am so pleased you have found a way to manage your intrusive thoughts and that it is working for you. As for your query about whether anyone else has suffered these sort of thoughts the answer is most definitely yes, I have a different form of OCD but there are many members of this forum who have a very similar problem to yours and no doubt you will hear from some of them soon.

    Thu Oct 20 2011 11:29:37 #
  4. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Thank you very much Truddles and Tess for your very warm welcome to this website and the forum! It seems i've found an excellent place to come with regards to OCD and intrusive thoughts!

    Kind Regards to you both
    Sarahlou x

    Thu Oct 20 2011 11:38:02 #
  5. Avatar Image

    Hannah17
    Member

    Hi Sarahlou,
    I'm 17 and I have had relationship OCD like you said you had. I've had it for a month now. Did you ever get the thoughts like 'you don't love your boyfriend' to go away? I can't stand them any longer. It's killing me!

    Thu Oct 20 2011 17:07:51 #
  6. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Hey Hannah,

    My first intrusive thoughts came out of nowhere when i was also 17! It was literally like a lightbulb being switched on, it came from nowhere, suddenly i went from a "normal" happy girl to a very distressed, anxious, depressed, scared etc girl in a second!! i always say its the day my life changed!! Like you my thoughts were that i didn't love my boyfriend and that i should end the relationship and i'd argue back with my thoughts saying i do love him etc etc! It was a truly horrilbe time and as i was so young i never sought help or told any family or friends as i really did think i was going crazy! To the outside world i was normal but inside i was really struggling! I just didn't understand what was happening to me, it was very distressing!! With time i just seemed to learn to live with it and the thoughts eventually stopped and a few years after that the relationship ended but this wasn't due to my thoughts, it just ended naturally! Now years have passed by and my intrusive thoughts pipped up again but this time with regards to my lovely mum! The difference between now and then is i now know what i'm dealing with, i know i'm not going mad and that there are many others out there that suffer like us! Have you sought any help? The thing i've found so helpfull is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, its taught me a few techniques of how you can deal with these horrible thoughts!! The main thing is to use mindfulness, you can look this up online!! But for me i think the best advice i can give is this - When these distressing thoughts come into your mind you mustn't push them away, if you do they will only come back!! Instead let the thoughts be there, tell yourself that it is just your unwanted thoughts playing up, don't engage with the thoughts at all or react to them and certainly don't try to argue with them, just let them come into your mind and if you ignore them soon they get bored and go away! This technique takes a lot of practice, i'm not cured from my thoughts but i now know how to deal with them and believe me this really does work!!

    I'm reading a very good book at the minute which my councellor recommended i buy! I got mine from Amazon, its called Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts written by David Clark and Christine Purdon.

    Just remember your not alone and your not going mad, if you haven't already done so seek help, there is plenty out there!! I really hope what i've said has helped you in some way? i know exactly what your going through and you will get better but you need to help yourself! Please keep me posted on how your doing and if you wanna ask me anything else please feel free!?

    Take care
    Sarahlou x

    Fri Oct 21 2011 10:23:45 #
  7. Avatar Image

    angel above
    Member

    welcome sarahlou, im the very same as yourself and i can relate 2 everything u have said, these thoughts have crippled me im battling them every day, but i am trying not 2 react 2 them and i am getting better at it,slowly but surely hopefully 1 day i'll learn 2 except the way my mind works, thx 4 ur post it has helped me a great deal look forward 2 speaking with u soon xx

    Fri Oct 21 2011 11:16:02 #
  8. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Hi Angel, many thanks for your email, I'm really pleased my email has helped you a little! it does help to know we're not alone with this, unfortunately it seems there are many of us that suffer these distressing thoughts!! I suppose all we can do is take each day at a time and keep positive, thats what i try and do!! Take care and have a lovely weekend xx

    Fri Oct 21 2011 13:46:34 #
  9. Avatar Image

    Hannah17
    Member

    I always argue back with the thoughts. I can't stand them being there but they just come back even 10x worse and then I end up crying because I just can't take them any longer. How long did it take for your thoughts of these kind in your relationship to go? I haven't had any help. I've seen a counsellor twice but she's not that helpful. I guess I'll have to just let the thoughts be. Not argue with them and try and ignore them. I really want them to go. You've kind of put my mind at ease though knowing that your thoughts did finally go. But it's such a shame to hear they're back but about your mum!
    Thanks so much for replying. Hope you can reply to this one too.

    Fri Oct 21 2011 19:53:01 #
  10. Avatar Image

    ad
    Member

    Hello there,

    Just registered and found this forum.It is all very familiar, i have thoughts and worries about bad things happening to people close to me and its very distressing, Im currently seeking the required help but its been a long hard wait so far.I found your comments very helpful, thank you, although this OCD thing is awful however it affects you, its nice to know your not alone and there are people out there who understand.

    Fri Oct 21 2011 22:21:58 #
  11. Avatar Image

    S*F
    Member

    Welcome!

    All sounds very familiar to me too! I too am quite new to the forum and after suffering in silence for years with intrusive thoughts I finally found to courage to seek some help and joined this forum as my first step. I can honestly say the identification I have had with others has helped enormously. I have the most caring husband in the World and yet my intrusive thoughts often evolve around him I too know deep down the thoughts are just thoughts, but it is distressing when one sneaks under the net and gets you. I feel so ashamed that I have thought badly of him, but I am realising that this is how the OCD gets it's claws in. I am finding that if my thoughts start wandering I remind myself that it's just the OCD and not to worry about it. The more I can do this, the happier I feel. I have had the most peaceful week mentally than I have had in a long time. As someone who has had a LOT of psychotherapy and counselling I was beginning to feel despondent as I wasn't aware that on top of the other issues I had, I also had OCD. I beat an eating disorder and faced a major childhood trauma, found myself a lovely husband, got a house, got a good job and still felt like I wanted to die. I kept thinking there was something very wrong with me and I was doomed to feel awful all my life. Then I researched intrusive thoughts and discovered there are lots of people who have the same thoughts as me and that has helped so much.

    I AM NOT ALONE

    Take good care and glad you joined the forum,

    S x

    Sat Oct 22 2011 21:12:36 #
  12. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    SF
    Thank you for such a lovely post, it helps everyone else too to know that someone has really benefitted from coming on this forum - and I'm sure I not only speak for myself but for all the other members and the staff and volunteers of OCD Action too.

    Sun Oct 23 2011 8:53:37 #
  13. Avatar Image

    aishah
    Member

    Hi Saralou,

    I'm really pleased that you have gained some control over your intrusive thoughts. I am a long time sufferer of intrusive thoughts and have had lots of therapy to help me with them. I am not as scared as I was before but there are times when they cause me so much distress and knock me off my feet.

    I have thoughts of harming myself, people close to me and members of the public too. as far as I know I don't react to them but sometimes I have episodes lasting weeks and sometimes months and they just don't leave me, they even intrude into my sleep at the moment.

    I am finding it hard to get on with my life as they get in the way of everything I do. I am still hopeful that one day I will gain more control over them.

    Bridget

    Sun Oct 23 2011 16:26:39 #
  14. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Thank you all so much for your emails, we are all in the same boat and no one understands what intrusive thoughts are like unless you suffer with them!! Hannah in answer to your question, if i'm honest it did take quite a while for my intrusive thoughts to go the very first time i suffered with them at 17!! I'd say maybe 2 to 3 years BUT i truly believe it lasted so long because i didn't understand them and i suffered in silence, not telling a sole in case they thought i was mad cos i myself thought i was going crazy! Eventually with time they seemed to go on their own accord but it really was a horrible time in my life and i can still remember it like it was yesterday! I've had many wierd thoughts, like poisening my then boyfriend and his family or strangling my cat even though i am a total animal lover!! Whenever i get ANY intrusive thoughts i find them extremely distressing and upsetting, it takes over my life and it is just horrible! I doubt i'll ever be totally free from these evil thoughts but now at least i can try and deal with them with the techniques i've been taught! Sometimes when they enter my mind i can get rid of them in a few seconds and other times it can take me a few days or even a week! I know i've said this a few times now but the trick is NOT TO ENGAGE OR REACT TO THEM AND DEFO DON'T ARGUE BACK WITH THEM!! YOU WILL NEVER WIN AND ALL THAT DOES IS MAKE YOU EVEN MORE UPSET! Also never push them away if you do this they will just keep coming back!! Just imagine you have a football and you keep trying to push it under the water, what happens?.......It keeps bobbing back up to the surface!! this is exactly what happens to an intrusive thought if you try and push it away!! This technique takes time and effort to master and its not easy but with practice it becomes a bit easier!! Dont get me wrong, i do still suffer sometimes, i'm not cured but its the way i deal with it thats different!! Also maybe look up Mindfulness, i also find this helpful at times!

    Lets just all stick together, we can help each other and be there for support!! Just remember your not alone and this is a very real condition!! Sometimes i wish i could have a brain transplant

    Take care all
    Sarahlou xx

    Mon Oct 24 2011 9:23:49 #
  15. Avatar Image

    Hannah17
    Member

    I have tried my hardest the past couple of days to ignore the thoughts and I've done quite well but now I don't know whether this is my OCD telling me this or whether it's the actual truth, that I don't know whether I'm in love or not now. Before I got this OCD I was definitely positive that I was in love but now if I got asked I could honestly say that I don't know. But I feel bad. I want to be still in love. :/ did you ever feel like you weren't in love? And now it's confusing me bevayse I haven't a clue whether it's OCD or whether I'm just actually not in love. xx

    Mon Oct 24 2011 17:28:10 #
  16. Avatar Image

    wannabefree
    Member

    Hi Hannah... Sometimes they call OCD the doubting illness, because it makes us doubt that our judgement is correct... Whatever we do, it's like it's never right, never clean enough, never loving enough, never in the right order, and so on... It is truly awful...
    I often doubt that I am clean enough... I cant be much cleaner, I keep spraying my clothes with flash/febreze. I doubt everything... I seek reassurance from everywhere, but can't accept it because I cannot believe it...
    My brain just wont believe that everything is alright...
    wannabe

    Mon Oct 24 2011 20:08:16 #
  17. Avatar Image

    jon
    Member

    Hannah, I struggle with an issue similar to yours except it is over mundane everyday issues, "am I doing this because I want to or is it because of the OCD" "is this thought real or is it OCD?" sometimes its very hard to distinguish real thoughts from OCD when it interferes with our normal life's experiences, "is it me or my OCD" but tending to believe the opposite to what OCD tells me works for me. Also, I try to think of how I felt when the issue was not OCD for an answer....I hope that makes sense.....

    Tue Oct 25 2011 5:13:48 #
  18. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Hi Hannah,

    I do know exactly what your saying, i really do think OCD plays with our minds terribly! but i believe its more the OCD playing tricks on us and not the truth of how we really feel! For example, with my latest bout re the horrible thoughts that i don't love my mum etc now my "normal" brain knows 100% this thought isn't true but then my "not normal" OCD brain kicks in and tells me that maybe i do believe this thought and i start doubting myself and start to think maybe its true and that is when i get extremely upset because i know for an absolute fact that i could never hate my mum, she is my best friend and my rock and we are extremely close hence why this thought is so upsetting to me!! I think my advice to you is not to make any decisions about your relationship now, when the OCD is bad its very hard to think rationally! if your like me my thoughts become extremely irrational! The likehood is the question of whether you do really love your boyfriend is still your OCD kicking in, the thought becomes so real that you start to believe it but i think its just our brains playing tricks on us! Wannabe is right, it really is a doubting illness!! So for now i'd say treat this thought like the others and don't do anything until you know your thinking is rational!! I really hope that makes sense!!

    Take care
    Sarahlou xx

    Tue Oct 25 2011 13:41:24 #
  19. Avatar Image

    Hannah17
    Member

    Wannabefree, that sounds like me. Except yours is cleaning and mine is love. It's an actually really horrible thing to have. But I can't help but think that it's not OCD and it's real and that I'm just using OCD as an excuse, argh.
    Jon, yes, that's some thoughts I get, I just don't know which thoughts are real or OCD, it's soo confusing for me!!!!
    Sarahlou,thank you so much. Your advice is so helpful. It always puts me at ease. For a while. Until I start doubting myself. I think you're right in everything you're saying and that me asking myself whether I'm in love is actually OCD. But sometimes the OCD gets the better of me and I end up believing it and it just kills me.
    Thank you to everyone for their advice! I appreciate it. xx

    Tue Oct 25 2011 20:51:19 #
  20. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Believe me Hannah i know what your saying, i still have moments where the OCD gets the better of me and i start to believe it and that is when i get extremely upset and anxious!! But this only happens if i engage with the thought etc so I then have to remind myself of the technique i've learnt with CBT and tell myself not to engage with the thought or react, let the thought be there and it'll just get bored and bugger off! Sometimes the thought troubles me for a few days and sometimes only a few seconds, keep practising hun!

    Take care
    Sarahlou xx

    Wed Oct 26 2011 9:59:41 #
  21. Avatar Image

    Hannah17
    Member

    Yeah, I try to ignore it but it's really hard not to fight the thought when it's about something so horrible I will keep practising trying to ignore the thoughts. I want to keep my relationship and I know I'm in love and I'm sure it's worth fighting for by ignoring my OCD thoughts. Oh no. OCD now says that I'm not in love and there's no point fighting! (GO AWAY OCD) :(:( anyway, thank you once again, gonna do my best to ignore these intrusive thoughts! I won't let them win! Ever! xx

    Wed Oct 26 2011 14:36:37 #
  22. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    I know it can be very hard to ignore these thoughts! i truly know!! I still struggle sometimes!! I think its just our gut instinct to argue back when these thoughts are about the people we love most, we are only human after all and these thoughts are very distressing so i think we try to make them right BUT this will never happen in our cases as they are not our true thoughts, the brain is a very very powerful thing and sometimes you start to doubt yourself and start to think maybe the thoughts are true but they are not!! Remember what Wannabe said about this being called the doubting illness, that is sooo true!!!! And sometimes as you've just said you get a secondary thought following on from the first!! I have had that with the thoughts about my mum, it started off with the thought just being that i hated my mum, and then just when i thought i had conquered that thought i got another thought saying but maybe i do believe it, maybe i do hate my mum!! This is how this horrible illness works, it feeds off itself for as long as we let it! its truly cruel! SO the trick is NOT TO LET IT!! I really do know how hard it is but you must just let the thought be in your brain, don't push it away, don't listen to it, react to it or engage in it in ANYWAY! As soon as you try to argue back the thought thinks "haha i've pulled her in!" Be strong, i'm afraid we have to be, there is no other way!! We can be free of these thoughts but we have to believe in ourselves!

    Take care sweetie xx

    Wed Oct 26 2011 16:32:14 #
  23. Avatar Image

    blueberrypancakes
    Member

    Hi Sarahlou

    Owch, yes I hear you and I have had this for the past 20 years, hence me signing up today. I have had years at a time without it and then periods I have had it acutely.

    As you well know (and your counsellor also sounds pretty awesome!), you wouldn't have those thoughts about someone you were indifferent to. I bet you never thought all this about the postman Because it wouldn't hurt and that's the point.

    My gf is off tomorrow (I am a girl btw, my avatar doesn't make that clear, although pancakes.. cream.. I don't know maybe it does lol) and I am already tensed up waiting to "not feel anything" for her and then the relief when she goes to work. It is a right joke. You couldn't make this OCD lark up really could you?

    Damn painful, not at all funny and very tiring... I and our new OCD friends are here for you!!!

    Fri Oct 28 2011 18:29:51 #
  24. Avatar Image

    Hannah17
    Member

    Hi Sarahlou,
    Ive been stuck in the house the past couple of days because I'm ill, I have had constant thoughts about the same usual rocd thoughts but they haven't really been bothering me. Now I'm wondering have I got over the thoughts as I know they're not true? Or are they actually true and that's why I'm not bothered about having them. Argh, I'm so confused!
    I don't want to seem like I'm bugging you with all my questions, but I find your replies really helpful! xx

    Sat Oct 29 2011 15:11:14 #
  25. Avatar Image

    Tess
    Member

    Hi Hannah
    I suspect that having had a couple of days at home to rest and recover from your illness your stress levels may have reduced and you are getting a more normal reaction to the thoughts which is why they are troubling you less. You know the thoughts aren't true so try to work out what has stopped them bothering you so much and use this as a management technique.

    Sat Oct 29 2011 17:08:28 #
  26. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Hi Blueberry Pancakes, i'm loving that name, thank you for putting a smile on my face on this Monday morning Your quite right, i've always found that my horrible thoughts go straight to my heart as they are always about the people i love the most in this world!! This is why they hurt so much and are just unbearable! Even though in your sane brain you know these thoughts are totally irrational and not true the OCD still kicks in and then makes you doubt yourself and tries to make you think maybe you do believe these awful thoughts, its at this point i get extremely anxious and upset!! I used to think i was mad and i was the only person that had this but now i know i'm mad heehee but i'm not alone! and knowing we are all here for each other really helps so thank you for your kind welcome! xx

    Hi Hannah,

    Firstly please don't feel like you are bugging me, i'm only too happy to help if i can, i'm always here for you! Sorry to hear you've been poorly, i hope your feeling a bit better now! there does seem to be lots of illnesses around at the moment, we have 2 collegues off sick today! I do think some days you are just able to deal with these thoughts better than other days! You just have to keep practising trying your best not to react or engage with these thoughts, i know i keep saying this but its something you must try to do if you want to beat these thougthts and stick 2 fingers up at them!! I'm sure you do love your boyfriend, try to stop doubting yourself, it really is just your OCD brain playing nasty tricks on you! These thoughts are totally irrational hun, don't make any decisions until your thinking rationally! xx

    We can all be nuts together

    Take care all
    Sarahlou xx

    Mon Oct 31 2011 11:42:42 #
  27. Avatar Image

    Hannah17
    Member

    Thank you Tess, I did do what you told me to. I figured out why they were troubling me less and came to the conclusion that I was just too ill to argue back with them and therefore I just let them be. Which I did.
    And Sarahlou, thank you, I am feeling a little bit better today and that's why I think my OCD has really really affected me. I've had a bad day with the OCD today and the thoughts. They've been killing me. I do try and let them be there but it's so hard not to argue with them or get upset when they seem so real :'( today I can't see any escape from this OCD and it's really hurting me. I'm beginning to think they are true. I just don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just using OCD as an excuse because I'm scared to face reality. But I don't know. I just want to be happy again, how I was before all of this OCD crap started:(
    Yes, I'm glad I'm not the only nutty one.
    Thank you so much xx

    Tue Nov 1 2011 19:16:39 #
  28. Avatar Image

    wannabefree
    Member

    Hi Hannah, I wish I knew what to say, save here's hoping that your evening is better than the day has been... It is so difficult to have the thoughts there... You aren't using the OCD as an excuse, it is a genuine reason, something which we often have very little control over, just like having colds and flu... It isn't our fault we suffer from this awful condition, because if we could, we'd step out of it straightaway... Some around us might say we're giving it as an excuse, but if they've not got it, they don't know how debilitating this condition is... It affects the most caring people in society, yet society can make us feel silly... Which is awful, but people can be very unforgiving of us... But on here we can apreciate each others difficulties... Take it steady,
    wannabe

    Tue Nov 1 2011 20:27:22 #
  29. Avatar Image

    Sarahlou
    Member

    Hi Hannah,

    This illness, and it is an illness is one of the worst things i've ever had to deal/live with! it takes over your life and for me it turned me from a very happy, smiling outgoing, talkative, sociable girl into a very sad upset, anxious, depressed, distressed, tortured, introverted quiet girl! That was 21 years ago and the day it started was the day my life changed forever! The point i'm making is its been a very long journey and i've had a lot longer than you to learn to live with it and deal with it! That said i do still struggle some days and believe me i'm not free of this evil but i've noticed that the reason i still struggle sometimes is because i've tried to argue back with these thoughts and neutralise them and then i start to doubt myself and then the vicious cycle begins! I've probably made it sound like its easy to cope with these horrible thoughts but it truly isn't, as i'm sure anyone else on this website will agree, its a constant battle but, its taken me years to get to where i am now! But the only reason i cope a bit better these days is because i've learnt not to engage or react to these thoughts, that is easier said than done somedays even still for me but if you give these thoughts any sort of attention they will NEVER go away, believe me, i know!! The brain is so powerful, it really is!! If you really are struggling honey maybe go see your doctor, maybe a bit of Cognitive Therapy would help you cope better? It helped me! Hang in there, your not alone, keep strong and we're all here to help if you need us! xx

    Wed Nov 2 2011 12:15:18 #
  30. Avatar Image


    Unregistered

    Hi Sarahlou,

    I've just joined this forum group, and I noticed your topic. It sounds like you've really got the hang of CBT -- good work!

    My story is similar to yours in some ways. I've also been plagued by intrusive thoughts for a long time. It really started to get bad in my late teens (like you), but looking back I can see that I was struggling with intrusive thoughts from the age of five or so. Like you, my thoughts also target the people I care about. I completely relate to your post, and I'm glad that you've got behind the CBT approach. I'm in the middle of my first course of CBT, and I can now see that the thoughts don't mean or say anything about me -- you're 100% right in the techniques you mention in your post. The thoughts don't mean a thing; don't fight them.

    I hope you're continuing to have an improved quality of life now that you're even further into your CBT.

    OCD Londoner.

    Thu Nov 3 2011 15:04:29 #

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