I just wanted to let you know I won't be online for a week or so. I didn't want anyone to think I was deliberately ignoring any messages here or PMs.
Tricia x
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UnregisteredSun Aug 8 2010 12:46:56 # -
UnregisteredHi all,
I have been so relieved to find this thread. Only recently have I began to have these disturbing obsessive thoughts and like others on here have only been able to discuss my fears of 'harming' children. I have also at different periods of time obsessed about being schizophrenic and a racist.
Recently someone accused someone I know of being a pedophile and my sister said to me that that was the worst thing someone could say about someone else, immediately she said this my 'gremlin' went "maybe I'm a pedophile". This was so disturbing to me that I was extremely nauseous and had to run to the bathroom as I thought I was going to vomit. It is only through this website and forum that I have pieced together that I am somewhere on this OCD spectrum and it has brought me great relief. The thoughts are still there and I have avoided any sexual encounter since it started as I am petrified that a child will come into mind during it. I have always been very maternal and hope to start a family some time in the next few years. The idea that I could have these thoughts about my own children drives me to insanity and even though I am currently single I can't imagine sharing such thoughts with a partner.
I spoke to a friend of mine who works in this area, I didn't tell her about my specific thoughts, but she actually brought it up herself and said in her experience one of the most common forms of Pure 'O' OCD is people convincing themselves that they are pedophiles, so I think this is much more common that we know and that people are much more afraid to admit to this type of obsessive thinking than other types so THANK YOU SO MUCH for starting this thread and helping people like me. Sometimes I can be rational but other times, I feel so ashamed and horrified at myself but I just try to remind myself that I have this 'gremlin' or 'imp' or whatever you want to call it (my therapist calls it my saboteur) that must stem from low self-esteem and self-worth issues which traps me into thinking negative thoughts about myself.
Anyway, I don't want to go on too long, but thanks to all who have posted here and I look forward to communicating with you all as we strive to overcome these challenges. xSun Aug 8 2010 15:26:02 # -
UnregisteredI dread to think how many have been driven to suicide, because they are unaware they have OCD. Even when a person is aware, it’s one of the worst forms of hell imaginable.
I'm finding a lot of good quotes on this forum. 'Nuff said.
Maybe we should make a book of quotes? With dwarings!
Sun Aug 8 2010 15:48:37 # -
My biggest worry is after I have been alone with a child, even if for a minute, I think "what if i did this" "what if this happened?". I get the image and I feel sick and panic, and try to remember every single last detail from that time, what was said, where I was sitting/standing, I write things down over and over again, and can't remember every second, and then I get so upset. That is what happened to me after babysitting the friend's baby for literally one minute. One of my friends once said "what if you actually do something and you blame it on your ocd?" and this really scares me. I don't think it was a very nice thing to say, but I still took it to heart. Does anybody else react like this?
Sun Aug 15 2010 18:52:16 # -
UnregisteredDear RelievedOCDer, I am sorry for not replying sooner and also sorry to hear that you are suffering this particularly disturbing OCD symptom.
My sexual intrusive thoughts did not involve children, but they caused me to be physically sick. The images were awful and the very last thing I wanted on my mind, which, as you said, will be the very thing the ‘gremlin’ will latch onto. My images were worse during intimate moments with my husband and they ‘contaminated’ those times. I can, therefore, fully understand your concerns and avoidance of sex. I have no answer as to how to prevent this, because, as we have said here before, trying to suppress thoughts invariably makes them more likely to appear. I suppose I was fortunate in that I knew I didn’t want to think such things. I realize this was because my thoughts would not have been disgusting to society in general (nor any such actions illegal). The obsession eventually burnt itself out and there’s every chance you and others here will experience the same. Therapy and/or medication can make a great deal of difference to some of us.
You spoke of the future and children. You also said you can’t imagine sharing such thoughts with a partner. I am not sure if we have really discussed this. Personally, given the reaction of my husband, I’d be wary of advising anyone to tell a partner. However, some can be incredibly supportive and a weight can be lifted from the sufferer. If I were a therapist, I would not know what to suggest, because the outcome can vary so much from total support to total disgust and divorce.
I also understand your fears over having such thoughts about your own children. I have a dear friend who is experiencing this right now. She has been on the verge of suicide. It’s absolutely tragic, especially when she is such a wonderful mother.
As you said, this is an extremely common symptom. It’s why I started the thread, because so many of my friends with OCD had, at one point, ‘confessed’ to this symptom. When you think about it, it should come as no surprise. OCD latches onto symptoms which cause most distress. Being a paedophile is one of the very last things most decent people could imagine being.
I’m glad you joined us. I hope you will stay around and let us hear of your progress.
Tricia x
Tue Aug 17 2010 14:04:51 # -
UnregisteredDear Lauren, Try your hardest not to go back and analyse past situations. OCD will always try to fill in gaps in memory or twist reality. I know from very painful experience that false memories will occur in many of us. I know you well enough to realize such actions would be totally abhorrent and out of character. There is absolutely no way you could ever have carried out any of the things your OCD is torturing you with. Please try not to go over things, it just doesn’t help us.
Many of us react as you described. I am afraid I don’t think very much of your friend’s remark, but please put it down to ignorance or thoughtlessness. There was a time when I would have also reacted very badly to such a statement. Remember, it is unheard of for someone with OCD to put their intrusive thoughts of harm or sexual abuse into action!
How are you doing, Jess?!
Tricia x
Tue Aug 17 2010 14:14:11 # -
UnregisteredI'm reading Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer at the moment which is really helpful. I'm sure most of you have heard of it but thought I'd post it just in case. Trying very hard to be kind to myself and say 'This is an irrational response to a harmless thought'. Seems to be working for now - anxiety levels reducing much more quickly than I am used to. x
Fri Aug 27 2010 14:49:37 # -
Hi everybody,
Thank you for Trisha for replying to me, I have not been on here for a while due to work, life etc. Everything you say makes perfect sense to me, and I feel relieved and then later on when I do not have this 'evidence' as I call it infront of me I begin to panic again.
I do a bit of piano teaching and I was teaching two boys privately yesterday in their home. The first one had been very badly behaved the week before, and this lesson had a complete turnaround and at the end of the lesson I said well done and gave him a short reassuring rub on the back as he left. I then thought, oh god, I shouldn't have done that because now i'm going to worry about it. And so, for the rest of his brothers lesson, I did. His brother was swinging his legs and I remember saying 'what's going on with all the leg stuff' jokingly but now I have an image of stopping his legs, keeping them still, saying 'just try to keep them still for me'. I remember at the time having this image, that's why I said 'what's going on with all the leg stuff', but now i am convinced I DID do this because I have this 'vision'. This is a relatively small thought, compared to others I know, but this thought manifestates itself into other thoughts and now I am confused and worried. I do not want to do bad things, I would never harm somebody!
I'd got a bit better over the last few weeks and everything
Sat Aug 28 2010 9:18:00 # -
UnregisteredDear RelievedOCDer, Yes, Lee Baer’s book is one of the best for this symptom and we’ve been discussing it throughout the thread. Have you finished reading it? I am really pleased to hear that you are coping better.
Dear Lauren, How are you feeling now about the boy you were giving a piano lesson to?
With these kinds of intrusive thoughts we can so easily think back to an incident and embellish it. OCD appears to be very accomplished at this. One thought just adds to another and quickly becomes ‘reality’. I concentrated on a past event and gradually pieces were fitting in like a jigsaw puzzle. Because of this they felt as if they were real. Before I realized this was OCD, my only other thought (apart from what I imagined, and was disgusted by, had actually occurred) was that I was psychotic. Now I understand the workings of OCD, it becomes clear what the condition is doing, and it has nothing to do with psychosis. However, it can still be very convincing when we are being bombarded by such thoughts and images.
I believe Lee Baer stated that some of us ‘see’ past images. I have clear pictures in my mind, almost like hallucinations. These seem to strengthen my belief that what I am ‘seeing’ must have happened. But, of course, this is not true.
I do hope you are feeling better about this now.
Tricia x
Tue Aug 31 2010 13:40:46 # -
Hi Tricia,
It has kind of burnt out now that worry, also because, I went the following week and said "so what did we get up to last lesson?" like I usually do and he just went "I dunno, can't remember, usual stuff". So I figured he would not have said that if something HAD happened?!
I have been worrying that I've cheated on my boyfriend recently, that I had sex with somebody in the past year but can't remember when or who, so that has been causing some distress and tears. My boyfirned says he knows that I haven't because he knows what I am like as a person, but also says I am a guilty person, because I feel bad about everything so I'm not sure whether this is my head making stuff up.
I have just sent you a message to see how you were! Lauren x
Sun Sep 5 2010 20:05:23 # -
I keep thinking, shall I call this guy, or that guy, and ask when I last saw them? But I can't call some people because they have girlfriends and I don't want to ruin their lives. I am like, is it this person, or that person, and I keep worrying that i did it, and forgot, and have just remembered now? And my boyfriend says that if it comes out later that I'm a liar he won't trust me and I feel like i've done something wrong and I can't pinpoint when!
Mon Sep 6 2010 7:15:03 # -
UnregisteredOh, Lauren, dear, don’t contact anybody. This is so obviously your OCD. I already know you well enough to be able to say that. I’d stake my life on it!! Don’t forget, I experienced the same, it’s common. I never told my husband, because he would not have understood. Your boyfriend might be struggling to understand, too.
Do you remember how I thought my daughter was someone else’s child? I wasn’t sure whose and when the midwife jokingly said my husband was not dark enough to be her father, I visualized a darker skinned man, before that I had an image of someone fair. I can actually laugh about all this now, but my God it was sheer torment, so I do think I know how you are feeling. When I was sixteen I thought I was pregnant and yet I couldn’t recall any intimacy. I was so tempted to ask a boy I had spent some time with whether anything had happened. This was my first experience of false memories developing to reinforce the obsession. I am relieved I didn’t ask that boy. It won’t help, Lauren, so do try to resist contacting anyone about it.
I am really sorry to hear how badly your OCD is affecting you. I hope you experience similar to me. Mercifully, my intrusive thoughts rarely make an appearance any more.
Tricia x
Mon Sep 6 2010 13:05:13 # -
My OCD ruins everything at times. It's like half my body is 'normal', and has common sense, and the other half says "oh no, but what if...? you need to check to be sure". I feel like I am never truly relaxed and settled, I have this adrenaline that flows through me when I have panics. It is strange sometimes not to have them because I am so used to it by now.
I have not asked anybody, other than one person who I trust. I understand why I must not ask, because it is just feeding the doubts, and I need to learn for myself to trust who I am as a person. The fact I want to ask numerous people shows I can't have done it because I know no details. Surely somebody who cheated would know everything. This does not reassure me though, I get the pictures in my head, the sick feeling, the guilt, and I think, if I stop thinking about it does it mean i think it's okay to do such things? I torture myself. Could I have done it and forgotten? I am scared to let it go incase it is true. I feel I must exhaust all possibilities, but this takes a lot of emotional time and energy. And I feel terrible that I am hurting somebody that I love, even though it is not on purpose. I want to be honest, I am an honest person, but perhaps too honest. I'm upsetting him and i'm not surprised. It is all very stressful x
Mon Sep 6 2010 20:48:43 # -
UnregisteredDear Lauren, It’s strange, but I was saying exactly the same as you to my mother, this morning. It’s as if my brain has two halves; the ‘normal’ rational and the totally irrational and anxiety based. I don’t think there is any condition like it. We are totally sane and yet can have the most bizarre thoughts and behaviours. However, remember that no matter how bizarre our thoughts and rituals, we are always in touch with reality, that’s what makes the condition so painful and so hard even for us to comprehend.
I agree with you, you are too honest, that’s a common ‘problem’ for many of us. A friend of mine has to endure the honesty of her boyfriend, which includes every thought that he may feel is wrong, including briefly glancing at a pretty girl in the street, yesterday! My friend doesn’t want to hear such things, but her boyfriend needs to ‘confess’ all the time. No wonder some Catholics with OCD are told by their priests to keep away from confession, they would leave no time for anyone else!
Without a video camera recording your every move throughout your whole life, I don’t know how to completely alleviate your fears. I was the same, until the other half of my brain took over and conquered this obsession. How or why this happened, I have no idea!
It’s not just a case of not helping your OCD by asking people about the past, it might make them wonder what is going on. Although this symptom is very common with OCD sufferers, it’s still not talked about much and I doubt the general public would understand at all. Yes, you would know if you had cheated, you’d have a vivid recollection of it. However, that won’t be enough to satisfy someone with this obsession, especially if you have a vivid imagination like me. Your OCD is likely to convince you that either you’ve blocked guilty memories or you will begin to visualize what could have taken place and a false memory will become implanted.
This happened with me with a washing machine engineer. I won’t bore you with the story, but a non event turned into quite an imaginary affair. I was thirty at the time, he was past retirement age and there was certainly no attraction!
The power of the ‘beast’ knows no bounds.
Tricia x
Tue Sep 7 2010 13:45:58 # -
Hi Tricia,
How are you this week? Hope you are having a good week so far.
I have had a small setback this week at work. Today, I started at a new school and I needed to get some paper towels to wipe up a drink that had been spilled. I didn't know where the staff toilets are and I went into the nearest one. As I turned to walk out, an infant school girl came in and I felt horrified I had made the mistake and I felt anxious I was in that situation. As soon as I left, she started talking to herself and I went back to my room. My mind started whirling, full of what ifs and images I hate to think of. the funny thing was I had actually started off the day really well and was enjoying my job. I don't like being around children on their own. I feel unsettled and worried now. How am I ever fully going to get over this.
I am sorry to write on here I hope you do not think I am selfish for talking about my worries all the time when you have your own worries Tricia and there are people with worse things going on.
Lauren x
Mon Sep 13 2010 21:42:22 # -
UnregisteredDear Lauren, I’m so very sorry to hear what the OCD is doing to you. I’ve replied to your PM and please do get in touch any time, although, as I explained, I am busy and struggling rather this week.
When intrusive thoughts are as strong and vivid as yours, I don’t actually believe there is anything worse we can experience, so please do not add to your problems by feeling guilty. You mentioned people with worse things going on, it sounds as if you believe you are making more of this than you should be. You are not. Nothing has happened, but that’s not what your mind is telling you right now and there’s nothing more painful.
You know I have mentioned a dear friend who is suffering these same intrusive thoughts. She has been on the verge of suicide, she would do anything to escape this torment. She has had so many bad things happen in her life, Lauren, but this is affecting her more than anything else has done.
You and she (and everyone here) are so obviously totally innocent and it does reduce me to tears to realize you are suffering such agony and it’s all for nothing. There are people who are molesting children who have no qualms about doing so. Yet the people writing on this thread, with their overly sensitive natures and consciences, are being lied to by their OCD and driven to despair. I am sure each of you can see this in another with the same symptom, I’m not sure whether this helps. It doesn’t really appear to.
Love, Tricia x
Tue Sep 14 2010 12:26:35 # -
Unregisteredplease help me i posted this in another area if this forum and i was told to come and look for this topic thread please help
hi i recently went to the doctors about my ocd intrusive thoughts they gave me a bunch of websites to go on this being one of them and i am going to counseling but i finding this forum to be the most help.
i have always suffered from different obsessions but they have come and gone the one that stays with me always and i find impossible to deal with and at times want to not be alive is sexual intrusive thoughts.
i always need reassurance that i'm not sick in the head or that i'm not a bad person. i'm 21 i just feel like i have enough i can't deal with it anymore i always wonder what has happened in the past and what if and i can't trust my own memory and start to believe that stuff did happeni have sexual intrusive thoughts that i will hurt children i hate even saying it and i worry that i get aroused i know i DON'T want to sexual abuse them but it doesn't seem enough for my brain i worry what if it turns me on and now i start to have movements in sexual regions of my body (if you get me i hate even saying it) but i think it's cause i think don't get aroused. i have one side of my brain saying that of course your not and your a normal nice person but there's another side of my brain torturing me! i am lucky enough to have a few friends and bf that i can confide in about these things if i didn't i don't think i would still be around today and they all say i'm being silly and that i'm normal but it doesn't seem enough to make me not feel anxious a day later
please someone tell me you feel the same as me!!!! i feel so depressed i can't sleep at night as i feel as soon as i close my eyes i'll have thoughts and worries happen! i just want to be happy and normal i feel helpless
Tue Oct 12 2010 15:34:35 # -
UnregisteredDear L, I am very worried about you. I sent you another PM in reply to yours, but only realized that you have unregistered when I came to this thread. If you are worried about using your name, why don’t you rejoin using a pseudonym. Because you have left, you will obviously not be able to read my reply to you, but I hope you will come back to the forum and read this.
Please take the time to read all of this thread, because some of the replies from sufferers of this symptom may really help you. No-one will understand your torment better than a fellow sufferer. I received so much relief by doing this myself.
I have spoken about false memories, this is common with all OCD symptoms and is particularly torturous. I often describe my brain in the way you described yours - two halves. The rational ‘normal’ side battles the irrational OCD one. Remember OCD can be incredibly strong and the best of deceivers. I don’t want to repeat my past experience of its lies, because I have already mentioned them here in this thread, but several people I know believe their children are not their husbands‘. All are faithful women, but OCD questioned whether there were incidents we forgot, or blocked because of distress and guilt.
We doubt ourselves and what we have done in the past because we can’t recall NOT doing something awful. The more we dwell on this the more likely it is for us to develop images which quickly become false memories.
I do hope you will rejoin us, because the people who have written about this symptom here can help you.
Love, Tricia x
Wed Oct 13 2010 12:35:01 # -
Dear Lauren i havent been on the forum for a long time but when i was reading through some of your posts i can honestly say i was sitting at my computer going "yes" and "oh i can relate to that" and "this sounds so much like me". Really could relate to a lot of what you said about the music lesson with the boys. And what you were saying about your boyfriend. Your posts have helped me immensely as i can see a lot of myself in your posts and it is so nice to know i am not alone with a lot of my thinking. One remark you made really came home to me "i am scared to let it go in case it is true". Your thinking is mirroring my own, some of your words could well indeed be my own. Hope just knowing that others understand will help you as much as it helps me.
Take care Liz
Sat Oct 16 2010 20:08:22 # -
Hi Liz,
Thank you so much for your post on here, I think one of the best things I did was to come on here because I didn't feel so alone any more. Reading other people's stories helps me get out of my little bubble that I create when I'm panicking. I keep going over and over and over everything, because I fear if I were to dismiss it as 'silly' and it turned out to be true then that meant I thought it was okay to do those things.
I haven't worried about children for a little while, since whenever my last post was, because it has burnt out, but I know it will come back one day in some way. I have some better tools to help me with it now, before when I wasn't on here, I would just sit and sob, even thinking about calling the police, convinced i had done it, when in reality, I didn't even know what 'it' was that I had supposedly done. I am getting better but I have a little way to go. Please excuse me for my terrible grammar I write how I speak in my head, like a flurry of thoughts. If you ever want to send me a pm feel free I am here to listen
Sun Oct 17 2010 19:16:22 # -
UnregisteredDear Lauren, I’m pleased that one obsession appears to have burnt out. It may well remain that way, we can never tell, but, as you said, you are better prepared for it, should it resurface.
Liz, dear, please don’t feel you need to wait a while before getting in touch. It sounds as if you need to talk now. I’m so pleased that Lauren has helped you. She is a lovely person and has helped many people here.
Love, Tricia.
Wed Oct 20 2010 13:00:54 # -
Hello, Im new here... Its so chocking how many have the same OCD.
I have had many doubts about if I ever have cheated, but I know I havent... I did DNA test on our daughter (the one you do yourself), just so I could be sure for my self... And have filmed the whole seance, so I didnt get some ideas afterwards).The new thing startes with some fear letting someone do something to my daughter... I did also see false memories, and its very disturbing :X
Recently I got an idea, and have that, that I thought was an impulsion towards her... But like many others I know its my OCD, because it is so far away from me thinking like that... BUT when I was little I had a "experience" with dogs... And now im thinking that the urge to do that then, is the same urge that I know call impulsion... And because I dit that then with animals, Im afraid that I have done it with my child... But I love her, and I would never do anything to harm her, or anything that she will hate me for later...!!! So my question is: Can it be that I reacted on that with the dogs then, and still dont react on this with my child?I have no problems being alone with her, and know shes is sleeping here close to me... But that intrusive thought came to me, because she was in a chair in the bathroom, while a bathed and then I had to go towards her... (... But I remember that I lifted the chair, and took it outside of the bathroom, because I remember that I had to find the handles on the chair... Oh, that OCD!
My husband know about every aspects of my OCD, and never worries... But I do...
I hope Youre all allright... And hope for a reply
Mon Nov 1 2010 23:21:17 # -
UnregisteredI only have a few moments, hopefully I’ll have a chance to come back here later.
I just wanted to welcome you to the forum and also say that please don’t think that things you thought or did as a child have any bearing on what you will do as an adult. I have a friend who used to experiment with things that upset me at the time (we were about eight) but I realize now children can and do behave this way. The friend is now a very highly respected GP, by the way.
Tricia x
Tue Nov 2 2010 12:49:15 # -
Thanks a lot for your answer. I know it doesnt always mean anything, what you have done when you were a teen or a child. But did think about it afterall.
My new thing: Does anybody have a doubt in what they have done (false memory forexample), and then a thought come in to your head which (you think) make the doubt reality? Like "or else i would not think that/know that"? But you dont know...
Hope you people can understand my bad english
And like to answer me Thank you
Sun Nov 7 2010 0:54:58 # -
UnregisteredThere’s nothing wrong with your English, but the subject is complicated, so if I have misunderstood please let me know!
Sometimes an ’event’ comes to mind that I believed happened almost forty years ago and I will analyse what ‘occurred’ or my recollection of it. I become more distressed by questioning why my mind should suddenly bring it up, if there were nothing to worry about in the first place. Sometimes there is an additonal 'piece of information' and that will make the obsession harder to overcome.
False memories are cruel and painful. The problem is that most of us with OCD have extremely fertile, active imaginations. I spent a night laying in bed visualising the characters of a play I was writing. The scenes and the people became very real. If my writing had been an OCD issue, I would now be convinced all the events took place, because the scenes and characters in my play have become deeply ingrained in my mind. If we can visualise something clearly, it’s really no different from recalling a film we have actually watched, or something we have actually witnessed taking place. When an intrusive thought becomes a false memory the effect can be incredibly convincing.
I've read your message again, and am worried I haven't answered your query properly. Please let me know!
Tricia x
Mon Nov 8 2010 13:47:27 # -
When I got pregnant with my son I worried that I had slept with my brother-in-law when I couldn't remember doing so. I even checked my baby for similarities with him, luckily he didn't have any or the obsession would have been further fuelled! I can laugh about this now and deep down I knew I hadn't slept with him but at the time it felt real.
Mon Nov 8 2010 14:01:35 # -
UnregisteredWhen I first had that concern (28 years ago) I thought I was either crazy or what I feared must have happened. Never, in a million years, did I imagine one day I would be writing about it and that I would hear from dozens of other women who have experienced the same! I, too, can now laugh, but what agony at the time. I wish I had known then what I know now!
Mon Nov 8 2010 14:07:19 # -
Thank you very much for your answer. It was also what I have thought about. You're right, its hard to write about it so other people can understand
But what I ment is if you have a false memory or a "what if" thought, and you then think something that you think is some kind of evidense.
I was very surprised how many people that have this kind of thoughts... I was so surprised... I have had them for about 7 years, but i dont know why i didnt seek so much on the internet... But im glad, because now i can better say "its just OCD", before i would feel that I was lying, when I said that... But that is how OCD is
Mon Nov 8 2010 14:32:04 #
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