I am a chaotic mind, I don't know that I am the worst one with OCD here, But I feel that mines is harder to deal with than all of yours. The reason is because of my own childhood traumas that are the cause of my distress.
You see when I was very young, I was accused of something terible and someone reacted on 4 year old me by calling me an evil sick person. yet I only wanted to help.
Sadly this led to her hating me, and a family fudge between her and my Ill mother (has M.E) and she would be forever bullying me and my mom and blaming me for things i never done (Eg. Her son knelt on a little paint that has spilled around my back, when he was 8 years old, his mother ran over screaming that I had tied him up and covered him head to toe in paint, while holding the trousers that showed only a tiny speck of paint)
As my mother was ill she could not defend me, and so it wasn't long before anyone who did anything would blame me to get themselves out of trouble, and even if I had been in all day and my mother knew it she would tell the parents "Its ok I will deal with him" to avoid a confrontation, which gave the parents the idea i was an evil kid, and the kids a fall guy.
Even when I tired to help "one kid fell and started crying, I ran out to help him, his mom ran to my door screaming that I had pushed him" another time "A kid fell of his bike, I ran to see if he was ok, his sister said to him (tell mom he pushed you, I want to see him get screamed at again) and laughed, he told his mom, his mom not only went insane on me, but tired to kill my pet hamster that I had in the garden in a hamster ball by trying to throw it down the sewer drain".
In both these occasions my mom knew I had done no wrong, but she never defended me. this led to my isolation, and the hate around me spread into my school, nobody believed me, I remember my teacher saying I was in the park playing and skipping school, when infact I had only put my foot on the slide step to tie my shoe, and was late because my mom needed me to help her into the bathroom and out again.
I got so scared that I isolated myself, going out as little as possible, eventually I discovered a distraction to make the fear go away. however at the time I found this I myself was only 11 years old, and I had no idea what a pedo was, so I looked for people my own age, not knowing what this was.
My father went online and the pictures I had looked at popped up, he went insane on me, calling me something dreadful, saying he will be put in jail because of me, that I was sick, evil, that I will be put in jail because of it. yet I had no idea at the time what it was, and I was traumatized by his reaction.
I got so afraid that I would go to jail that I went online and read stories to see what a pedo was. I found the asstr, and it has stories, and the first thing I read was that the stories were legal, so I was able to gain the information I needed knowing I may find some answer to make the fear go away. I read many stories, and I was so horrified by it that I thought even my own childhood experiments made me one, I was only 11 years old at the time.
I realized that I wasn't going to get the answer I was seeking, which was a reason why these people were the way they were, and because I thought myself one, a way to stop it. So I replaced the porn with anime, that was it was less real, however I started to worry that even anime made there pictures look iffy.
After a while of anime, I started doing other things, dressing up in womans clothing, and pictured myself the woman, I even did some experiments, but one day I took some photos of myself, forgot and my father found them, it happened again, I was called sick, evil, and told he was about to give the camera to a friend and he would have been jailed because of what I did, if he had not looked first. I was mortified, My father was a homophobe, and he saw these pictures of me.
I decided to do my experiments outside in the hills, where that could not happen. I filled a bag up with womans clothing and went up the hill, I did my experiments there, far from my father. However one day there was a fire in the hills, they found the bag, it was the bag we went to Australia with and it had our postcode on it, and inside the side unbeknownst to me was a babys sock.
So they thought a child had been murdered, and the next thing I know the police, Cid, and the MID are at my door, wanting to talk to my father, I saw the bag and was terefied, and they found out that I was up the hills doing gay experimentation, the just laughed, were glad it was not a murder, and left.
Now i was even more traumatized, at this point I was 14 years old, and I was afraid of everything, I hated myself, I just wanted to lock myself away in a world of distraction so I never had to think. if things got to hard I would run for the distraction.
Then I realized that when I was experimenting, I used a crucifix, I went cold, I could not forgive myself, for years I tormented myself with the idea I was going to hell for all that bad I had done, Jesus would never forgive me. my mother and father broke up, my grandfather died, I was getting bullyed all the time, my gran scared the life out of me telling me God was an evil punnisher, my mother ended up in hospital almost dieing with lack of food.
I made walls and hid in them. one day I spoke with someone online, which got me into roleplay, it was a grate way to get away, but it was all going to go sour, so I turned from that and tired another chat, this went on and I got into some strange cyber like bdsm. after a time though I started to hate it, I tired to stop and I was unable too because when something scared me that was the only way to quiet my OCD down.
we can all have thoughts that horrify us, but we can talk to each other about it, I used to think I was really evil because I was having intrusive thoughts sexual thoughts, I had no idea why, it scared the life out of me. when I seeked help and told other people they told me I was a sex addict, even though I never did or would do any of my thoughts, but I believed them, I called myself an addict, found help and only got worse, because I was not an addict, My ocd was used against me when I was told my thoughts were proof I was just like those who had done such things, and that was how they started. this caused me grate fear and distress. Then I was told grate fear and distress was another sign that I was one of them.
there I was in fear and panic, my world crumbling around me, all my hope falling away, I truly believed I was one of them, and then I found out other people with OCD suffer these thoughts, and I realized addicts use our OCD as there excuse, and as long as they can convince us we have what they have, they can continue to use our condition to there benefit, why should I be surprised that such people pray on the vulnerable and weak minded? its who they are after all.
So I gave up my only way of numbing out my ocd, and when I thought my fiancee was pregnant, my fear moved to the fear of the child, suddenly I couldn't look at any child without freaking out, and all the storys that I read in my past returned to haunt me. I did exactly what I should not have done because as Phillipson said not to (((ER." The tremendous effort one puts into escaping the unwanted thoughts or preventing their recurrence (e.g. hiding knives), in effect, reinforces its importance to the nonconscious brain and, thereby, feeds the vicious cycle.))) Because I saw a kid, I freaked out, I let my mind wander to face it, my thoughts got worse, I was horrified at my bodys sensations, I had to get away, I had given up some distractions, what could I do, I wanted to run. I went to the toilet to use my old relief but as I started someone knocked on my door, my mind filled with horror, I believed this proved all my fears, I saw those pictures in my mind, and was so evil I tired to masturbate, however I was rather trying to masturbate to get rid of the images in my mind, but obviously this backfired big time.
I know I am disgusted, but sometimes I don't know how disgusted, I wish we had scales to measure our disgust so we can know that we are not one of them.
I did not want to post up my life story here, but I feel if I don't, I will always let my past win, do I disgust any of you as much as I disgust myself, because I would rather cut off my penis that ever do such vile things, but I have read storys, and they are what are tearing me apart. 
(Some sentences have been edited in order to prevent undue distress to the member.
Nimrod, Keymaster)
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
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