Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
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Blimey. I couldn't imagine anyone this young getting those kinds of feelings, because he is just a child himself, but then again, I used to believe I was pregnant at that age, so it just goes to show what can happen if you have OCD. I now suffer and have been suffering from the aforementioned OCD for several years, so can understand what he is going through.
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Misty, I am also so sorry to hear about your son's problems. I can understand why he is asking 'why me'. Bless his heart. Thank goodness he has your support and love. I hope the medication helps him.
Giles are you OK, I've not heard from you for a while.
Tricia x
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P.S. Unfortunately medication takes quite a while to work for OCD, longer than for depression. Some say it can take twelve weeks, but it's better to know this, because otherwise you could both believe it's not helping if you don't notice any relief for a few weeks.
Tricia x
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Hi'ya Tricia - I'm still alive
Hey guys I havent been on here in awhile
Man it is good to know that I am not alone, but also dont want others to be going through this horror to.
I am wondering if I am alone in some things. For one I get my pocd thoughts around other peopls kids, not just mine. I have a hard time with some of my friends kidos because they are just to cute but my ocd turns it so yucky. I hate it!!!! I wish I could just be normal
And another thing is that sometimes I feel like I am thinking the thoughts on my own. Like I will be at the store I will see a cute kid and then I wont really think anything, then I will think of what I could of thought. And then I feel aweful. Does this even make since?
My thoughts are mostly around girls and I think that is because it started when I was a nanny of two girls. So that is what it latched on to.
I feel like I am just a bad person so much of the time, and it is aweful!!!
I use to want to be a teacher or school counselor , but not now. I would still be nanny if it wasnt for my ocd thoughts.
Sorry just needed to vent about this stuff!!!
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Thats okay ocdmomma. Thats what the forum is for. And yes, what you say makes perfect sense. I have worries where I fear that I could physically molest a young girl or 2 of them when they walk past me. Thinking what you might have done afterwards is a common thing for me too. I really think I should try and get out more to places where I am going to become exposed to my issue. I do exposure, but not as often as I'd like.
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Good to hear from you OCDmomma, a friend of mine is often asking after you (she read one of your messages and said she could have written it). Many people fear sexually abusing other people’s children. The man I mentioned here (who Lee Baer wrote about) was worried he would abuse his daughter’s seven-year-old friend. As Giles said, your thoughts after seeing a child are just a part of this symptom.
I wonder if you were to become a teacher whether this would help? A lady on the forum had this obsession and worked as a teacher. The friend who asked after you was dreading half-term, believing her thoughts would worsen, but she found being around children all day actually helped. We are all different and being surrounded by children might be hell for you, but the chances are it would help.
Giles, I’m very pleased to hear that you are alive, but are you doing any better at all? Giles, you were thinking of a different career. How about teaching? You would be really good with children.
Tricia x
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lol, I can't even look them in the eye, let alone teach them! Still, its food for thought though. I would really like to do something that involves 121 tuition. Anyone have any suggestions? Oh, also how do I find a potential dance partner who isn't going to waste my time? I mean, the purpose of agreeing a tryout is that you are certain you want to consider this person and that dance school, NOT to expect me to move.
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You will, Giles (be able to look them in the eye). Yes, one to one tuition is something you would excel at. I hope you will give teaching some consideration!
I have a friend who is a teacher, I’ll ask her advice. She often teaches small groups of children (between three and six) and she has noticed several, over the years, who have displayed symptoms of OCD and she has been able to offer guidance to parents. Too few teachers have the skills and the dedication to really notice each child’s talents or problems.
I’m afraid I don’t have any suggestions over the dancing, but someone has to appear eventually who is committed and shares your level of interest. Whatever you do, don’t give up with your dancing! Have you put any more videos on Youtube?
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I know I am not alone, because a friend of mine was so upset by the wording in Lee Baer’s book that she couldn’t finish reading it. I’ve noticed many professionals write about violent and sexual urges. I was unhappy with the use of the word ‘urge’ in this context myself, before my friend told me how distressed she was. Are any others upset by it? My dictionary defines the word as a strong need, wish or impulse to do something. I have an urge to eat chocolate but I don’t have an urge to harm someone, I have a fear that I might, but never an urge.
Hi
I have not been on here for a long time but i have been having terrible OCD for the last 2 weeks and just reading through all the posts on here have helped me. I have had many differant obsessions but the one that always comes back and floors me is the sexual harm thoughts. I have always had the odd fleeting thought to the nature discussed here but manage to ignore or forget them. I also have the feelings that accompay the thougths that i am aroused and i always manage to ignore it. However lately i have not been able to ignore either. It started with me deciding to hold my sons 18th birthday party at home with all the family coming round and of course all the kids. last week something in my head snapped and i was over come with fear that i would worry id "do something bad" to one of the kids at the party if i had not made everything perfect in the house cleaning and tidying wise. I got so worked up i cancelled the party twice but felt bad for my son so decided to go ahead with it. In the 2 days before i started to remember all the times i had had thoughts/feelings that i had ignored and most of them revovled around my fiances son aged 16( We both have childern from previous marriages). when he was younger i occasionally worried that i had abused him which i ignored and as he got older and in my mind not at a "vunerable age" it went away, but came back occassionally in the form of me obsessing that i got arosued by him, which again i succesfully ignored. I started obsessing about these pasts thoughts/feelings and got fairly low. The party came and surprisingly i was fine no worries and i ended up drinking too much. The next day i was fine i just kept thinking there must be something that i did wrong it wasnt until the next day(yesterday) when i realized i couldnt remember some of the night i started to panic that i had made sexual advances to my fiance sons that i could not remember. I am now imagaining all sorts of awful thoughts that i am interupting as memories of the night which are freaking me out. I know in my logical part of my brain i have done nothing but my OCD is overpowering making me believe i have done something terrible and i am now spiralling into a depression and im frightened that i will become very ill. I am getting married in 10 weeks and i feel like i dont desrve it and i should be hated!
I have had 2 breakdowns in the past and i do feel like im heading that way, my fiance knows all my thoughts and he is very supportive but i can see its hurting him he feels helpless watching me sitting crying all the time, thats why i feel talkingon here is such a great help i feel more confident by just having wrote all this out!
This is such a terrible way to live sometimes and sites like this are a god send XXX
hi leighmcgivern
i know exactly how ur feeling and how it can make u severely depressed
i do be the same when iv had 2 much 2 drink ur trying 2 piece the whole night together desperate 2 remember everything and the ocd part of u is shouting at u telling u u have done these horrible things i like u am having a really appaulling time of it myself lately and its extreamly difficult witha 2 yr old 2 look after ur not alone with these intrusive thoughts and there r some gr8t people on here who have got me through some of the worse periods in my life this site is definitely a god send i hope i hav helped u in some way all the best hope u feel better soon
trish
Hi Trish
Thank you for your reply and im sorry your having such a bad time just now i know how awful it can be! I have felt better today im trying to think logically and make my self aware that my bad thoughts are my ocd and so are any feelings that occur because of the bad thoughts but the OCD is still trying to over shadow and control me. I always find when im at a really low point past OCD thoughts that I have managed to ignore come back into my head and really bother me its like I think how could i have so easily ignored them in the past but now im finding it so hard to do just that! Also it feels like i have had so many of the bad thoughts in the past and i have to anyalsis each and everyone of them which undoubtly leads to me over exagerating the way I felt at the time! Does this make sense to you? Or any one else reading this post?
Sorry I hope I dont make you feel any worse then you already do and hope you feel better soon.
Take Care
Leigh 
hi leigh
u sound exactly like me i have past thoughts come back 2 haunt me all the time
never feel free of them really i may forget them 4 a while but they always come back 2 me its so debilitating especially if ur having a few good days and then out of the blue there they r yep i know what u mean about analyzing every thought and i know my thoughts r exageretad but still cant stop thinking that way u have not made me feel worse its a nice 2 speak wit someone who is going through the same thing makes me feel less crazy hope ur doing ok
trish
hi leigh and trish
i can totally relate to where you are coming from with thinking you have done something, i do it all the time when i have had a drink i spend days trying to piece together what i might have done the night before.i always feel guilty about it as well which really hurts.i generally look for reassurance from who i have been out with(i know this ia a bad practise)to confirm i havent done anything wrong.i am having a rough time of it at the minute but at least we have friends to help on here
take care both
jimmy
hi jimmy its bloody awful aint it? and it is nice that there r people on here like yourself that we can relate 2 and get some kind of understanding from im sorry ur having a bad time of it at the min i hope u feel better soon know exactly how u feel it drags u right down doesnt it?
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Leigh, I’m so sorry to hear how bad things have been. Alcohol and OCD rarely seem like a good combination, and it was due to a moderate amount of drink that led to my obsessing that I had been unfaithful to my husband, a belief I held on to for twenty years. As I have mentioned here before, we fear we have done something because we can’t recall NOT doing it. Drink obviously fuels the OCD, we believe we might have done something while we were under its influence. It would be clear to anyone reading this that you have not done anything, but I understand that’s of little help. What a nightmare of a symptom.
I’ve written this before, but as an example of the power of OCD, I will repeat it. I believed my daughter was a result of rape (a blurred false memory, made worse by my drinking). OCD seemed to feel I would agonize more if I believed I had consented to sex, and the ‘rape’ changed to a one night stand. I had visualized a white male as my baby’s father. When my daughter was born, the midwife joked that my husband couldn’t be the father, because the baby’s skin was too dark. My heart sank, because I felt my worst fears were confirmed. However, immediately the image changed to a man of mixed race. That’s the power of OCD!
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Trish, I know you had a terrible few days, but have things been any easier since?
Tricia x
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Leigh, it makes perfect sense that our reactions can be worse months, or even years, after an obsession kicked in over an ‘event’. At the time our thinking is relatively clear (as clear as is possible during an OCD moment of panic!) and it’s therefore easier for the rational part of our minds to take control. At a later date, things are less clear and it’s even easier for false memories to occur, or at the very least we develop a highly exaggerated view of a past situation.
hi tricia
getting there now was jst sheer panic that just overwelmed me
think im feeling now that it was jst ocd making me think id done something i hadnt and the guilt jst took over 2 deep down i know im not bad my little girl is proof of that shes a mummys girl is always by my side gets upset if i go out thx 4 all the advice u have given me has helped a gr8t deal all the best trish
hi Tricia
thanks you for your replies they have helped me so so much!!! This site is such a relief and im greatful to everyone who has helped not only me but everyone who has come here in need of help! Bless you all XXXX
Trish and Jimmy I hope you both get stronger every day X
Leigh XXX
Unregistered
I was speaking to one of my closest friends this morning and I felt totally helpless. I would do anything to be able to take her intrusive thoughts away. She has suffered contamination fears and obsessions about harming her young children. Suddenly sexual obsessions kicked in and have taken over. I believe she has at least reached the point where she believes me that this is not her, but the OCD. However, the intrusive thoughts are ruining what should be the most precious time with her young children. I know others here are suffering the very same.
Leigh and Trish, would you mind if she sent PMs to you? I have a good ear, but this is not something I have personal experience of and I feel she needs friends who have.
As you said, Leigh, bless you all xxxx
P.S. Does anyone know how Misty's son is doing?
Hi Tricia
She can also PM me if she wants to it helps just talking to someone who is experiencing the same as you espciallly these types of thoughts.
Leigh
Unregistered
Thank you both so much!
Tricia et al,
I've been suffering from OCD for as long as I can remember, but it's only recently that I can look back upon the narrative of my mental life and apply that lable to all the inexplicable fear, the self-loathing and the unrelenting doubt that has plagued me since I was a child. Although my own particular symptoms have largely taken the form of health anxiety, within the past week a fear of paedophila has been triggered, nurtured by my rebelious brain and blossomed into a consuming dread that I never thought I was capable of feeling. In the past twenty-four hours, it has reached the point where I'm starting to doubt my own memory. I find myself wondering if, at some point in the past that I cannot remember, I abused a child. I cannot produce mental evidence that I did, but I cannot produce mental evidence to the contrary, leaving my OCD brain in the position of assuming guilt until innocence is proven.
This symptom is a new one on me. At first, the memory distortion took on a milder form. One that was easily rationalised away. But within minutes of this rationalisation, a stronger, more distressing distortion took over. This doubt has been gnawing at me since. I've often found myself looking back on my memories with a skeptical eye, anxious about whether or not I can trust them, wishing that they would suddenly snap into lucid focus and give me the reassurance that I require, but I never equated this with OCD until now. It was with immense relief albeit fleeting that I stumbled upon this site and realised that I am not alone.
I'm a writer, or at least I have aspirations. I would love to write a novel on this subject, but as you've pointed out, it's a minefield of possible misunderstandings and misapprehensions. I admire your bravery for engaging the issue and wish you the very best for the project. I hope that someday I'll figure out a way to engage with this topic in my own work. As for me, I'm considering returning to CBT and possibly SSRIs, although I have never tried the pharmacutical road before. I'm willing to try anything to take the edge off. It seems as though every five seconds my adrenal gland is pumping more fear through my veins.
As a first time poster (and, as we have already established, OCD-prone) I hope that I haven't broken any unwritten rules in posting any of the above.
Best wishes,
Tsunami.
welcome tsunami u have not broken any unwritten rules dnt worry its a horrible symptom of ocd and i hope u find some peace of mind by posting on here this forum has helped me immensly u got it bang on there guilty until proven innocence thats exactly how id sum it up im forever looking 4 that evidence that ends my ocd once and 4 all or atleast this particular obsession my life would be perfect if i could jst shake the worry and stress of this obsession im so envious of people going about there lifes with normal worries wht id give 4 a normal worry all the best and i hope this forum helps u
trish
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Welcome to the forum, Tsunami. I don’t have time to write much today, but I will hopefully have more time tomorrow. I have turned my play into a novel, although I am still unsure whether to proceed with either. Some people with this symptom have begged me not to, others are very encouraging. Those who haven't experienced paedophilia fears also have very mixed feelings. I dread causing more harm.
Unregistered
Tsunami, as you have probably gathered by messages in this thread, I am no stranger to false memories. I don’t know if you have read a recent message here where I described how I filled in a blank few moments with a sexual incident which tortured me for twenty years. You would know if you had abused a child. I would know if I had been raped or if I’d cheated on my husband. We can never be sure when in the grip of this kind of obsession, though, because we need to remember every single moment of our lives, we desperately need to recall NOT doing terrible things, and that is obviously impossible. Those without OCD know they haven’t done anything wrong, because they have no recollection of it. That simply isn’t enough for us!
I’m glad this site helped initially, but I appreciate the relief can be fleeting, because that’s the nature of this beast of a condition. The forum offers reassurance. However, reassurance in any form is usually short-lived with OCD. I have a close friend who experienced immense relief when she came here and realized others were experiencing exactly the same kinds of thoughts, also she was helped by the fact this symptom is so common. However, OCD made her question everything and doubt herself. She can see everyone else here has OCD, but wonders if she is the exception. She would trust a perfect stranger more than she would trust herself.
The reason I turned my play into a novel was due to the response from one professional. He wrote that any ambiguity could prove disastrous. I would have little say in the production of a play. A novel is different, I have full control. I am still wavering, I wonder how much of that is due to OCD?!
Please do consider returning to CBT, it can be very helpful (what relief did you gain from it in the past with other symptoms?). I can also recommend SSRIs and, for some, clomipramine. I would probably not be alive today without the help of drugs. We never know how much they will help us until we try them.
Please keep in touch with us!
Best wishes,
Tricia.
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